Alex: Hello, I'm Alex Trebek. Welcome to Celebrity Jeopardy! We are pleased to have three fine specimens this evening. First, is the star of blockbusters such as Pearl Harbor and Armageddon... Ben Afleck!
Ben: Hello Alex.
Alex: And what charity are you playing for?
Ben: *smiling warmly* I'm donating it to the children.
Alex: Uhh, what?
Ben: The children, they're so hungry.
Alex: *looks at sheet* Ben, it says here your charity is Alcoholics Anonymous.
Ben: *narrowing eyes* You're not supposed to know that.
Alex: Moving along to our next contestant, Gwenyth Paltrow, who recently co-starred with Ben in Bounce. What is your charity, Gwenyth?
Gwenyth: *flighty* I'm donating all my money to help feed the birds.
Alex: *confused* Uhh, what?
Gwenyth: It's only toppons a bag...
Alex: *rolls eyes* Gwenyth, do you realize you're quoting "Mary Poppins"?
Gwenyth: What are you talking about?
Alex: Nevermind. Our final contestant has just completed his final season on The X-Files. Please welcome, David Duchovny.
David: *being his dapper self* What's going on Alex?
Alex: Nothing related to brain stimulation. David, what are you playing for?
David: My money will go to the Vivid Video chain.
Alex: *attempting to conceal his disgust* And what might your reason be?
David: To expand the minds of curious people everywhere. *mumbles* And to have something to watch after the drink lady goes to sleep...
Alex: All right that's too much information! Our catagories are: Food, Music, Historical Events, Animals, Things that Make You Go Hmm, Over-rated Actresses and Miscellaneous. Mr. Afleck, you choose first.
Ben: I'll take Vodka and Tonic for 200, Alex.
Alex: I'm sorry that is not one of the categories.
Gwenyth: *turning to Ben* Oh Ben why do you do this to yourself?
Ben: Do you have to ask? Did you see Pearl Harbor?
Alex: *shaking head* Mr. Duchovny why don't YOU pick the category.
David: I'll take Over-rated Actresses for 500.
Alex: She starred in the 1995 film Bad Boys along side Will Smith and Martin Lawrence.
Gwenyth: *buzz* Who is Dana Carvey?
Alex: No, I'm sorry that's incorrect.
Gwenyth: *buzz buzz* Who is Dana Carvey as 'The Church Lady'?
Alex: *annoyed* I'm sorry that's not correct.
David: *buzz* Who is my wife?
Alex: Could you be more specific?
David: Uhh...
Alex: You don't know your own wife's name?
David: I know this... It's spelled like a drink... but it's not pronounced that way...
Ben: Did somebody say drink?
Gwenyth: *pleading* Benny no!
Ben: *waving a fist* I TOLD YOU TO NEVER CALL ME THAT!
Alex: *talking over the fighting* I need an answer David.
David: *still rambling* ...she worked so hard on JP3 that we didn't converse too often... spent a lot of time at Gilian Anderson's house that summer...
Alex: *raising his voice* Will you all be quiet PLEASE? *akward silence* Thank you. Since I have been paying attention to all this worthless rambling, I forgot whose turn it was. Gwenyth, why don't you choose?
Gwenyth: *squints at board* I'll take Historical Events for 300 pweaze!
Alex: *clearing his throat* This battle happened on December 7th 1941...
Ben: *balisticly leaning over podium* WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!?! *runs offstage*
David: *buzz* I like to watch porn on the weekends.
Alex: That has absolutely nothing to do with the question.
David: *exasperated* It has everything to do with everything.
Gwenyth: *slapping David* PIG!
Ben: *appearing with empty bottle of Jack Daniels* Thaths not faiiiiiir... *collapses on floor*
Gwenyth: *prancing to his side* Benny!
Alex: We cannot continue the game unless Gwenyth, you return to your seat, and if we can find a replacement for Mr. Afleck...
Matt Damon: *appearing randomly from audience* Hi I'm Will Hunting. But my friends call me Mr. Ripley.
Alex: *glaring* No, you're Matt Damon. And you're standing on Ben Afleck's head.
Matt Damon: He likes it when I do that.
Ben: *muffled* He's rightth.
Gwenyth: *adoring* Oh Matt I'm so glad you're here! Now it can just be the three of us like old times!
David: *pondering* The three of them...
Alex: *rubbing his temples* We'll be right back after this commercial break.
::Five minutes later everyone is back in their proper places, with Matt holding Ben upright, Gwenyth purring soothingly that everything will be all right, and David staring intently at the three as though he were attempting to envision something no one else could see::
Alex: We're back, and considering how much airtime we've wasted, we're going to cut to Final Jeopardy. The question is... "What is high in the middle and round on both ends?"
::Famous theme song plays::
Alex: All right Ben let's see what you've answered... *looks* It's only a bunch of worthless scribbles, no I'm sorry.
Matt: It's okay buddy you'll get it right next time! *punches Ben in shoulder*
Ben: *falls to floor* Arrrggghh..
Alex: Gwenyth, you're somewhat bright, let's hope you're not another Ben Afleck... *looks* It seems you've told all of America to 'save the environment', decorated with cute little hearts dancing atop the Earth. INCORRECT!
Gwenyth: *bursting into tears* How can you be so CRUEL?!
Alex: It's my job... And finally Mr. Duchovny has not enlightened us with superb vocabulary; rather *looks* he answered "Boobies". No, the correct answer is Ohio.
David: Damn, that's the state 'where the wind comes sweeping down the plain' right?
Matt: No you idiot, that's Utah!
Gwenyth: *whining mousily* Stop yelling you self centered ego maniacs!
Alex: That's all the time we have for today, unfortenately--
Anne: *popping out from nowhere* YOU ARE THE WEAKEST LINK! GOODBYE!
