"Watch out Grandma. They're coming." -Sign at a Citgo (WHERE THE
CITS GO! *whee*)
"LET'S NOT LET SATAN WIN THIS ONE!" -Moron ranting about our Gay Rights Bill
"I think Sean Connery used to be sexy."-Me "THAT'S LIKE DATING YOUR GREAT GRANDFATHER!"-Cody as Amanda chimes in "Yeah he's only 70 years older than you."
"Aww look at the pretty Gentleman's club." -Me
"BURGER DRUGS!!!!" -Amanda
"Ice cream, pizza, PIE! Hey that sounds like Ice cream pizzapie. Get it?" -Amanda
"Daewoo, where the DAES WOO!!" -Me (ROFL Cody)
Watching the some music award show with my father:
"Who was the one who got shot? Was it Tupac... a day... habit? HAH
HAH HAH!"
"Lenny Kravits? Sounds like he should be a friend of the Beaver."
"Janet Jackson? I like her. She's a hard worker... you know... as long as
she doesn't turn into her brother."
"WHAT?! N'SYNC FOR BEST BLACK ALBUM?!" "No dad, POP
album."
"Is she an actress? And does she 'love hewitt'?"
"That's HUNK Daddy!" (referring to Toby Keith)
"HEEEEEY LIMP BIZKIT WON!"
(Me confused about something a guy from Limp Bizkit said and my
father's reply which ACTUALLY might make sense, which is scary.)
"Keeping OG?" "Keepin' on going!"
"Usher... yeah they'd better usher him out."
"Is there a Notorius S.M.A.L.L.?"
(Me singing the tune of 'Hypnotize') "Little little litte, you're so small..
sometimes I lose you in the hall."
(Dad stands on one foot and stretches out his arms.) "Lutz!"
"HARMONY HARMONY HEY!" -The Starmites *shudder*
"Girl: Mom-IE!
Mom: Yes, light of my life?
Girl: Has Santa Claus come yet?
Mom: No Dear, you aren't in bed. Now why don't you get on your scooter? Can ya show
me how ya scoot? Scoot scoot scoot scoot on to bed!
Girl: I love YOU Mom-IE!
Mom: PISS OFF!" -Second City skit at Theatre Fest CraZyQuiN3: My dad ran into an old buddie of his who is a plumber/actor and this guy
has worked with Gary Sinese and John Malkovich. Hurray.
renzo2: nice
renzo2: lol, gotta love the plumbler/actor
CraZyQuiN3: rofl, I know
renzo2: er, plumber, even
CraZyQuiN3: Plumbler... that reminds me of that one demonic McDonald's creature...
what was it? HAMBURGLER! Ahhhh *fear*
renzo2: lolol, the hamburgler owned
renzo2: i always felt bad for him
renzo2: him and the trix rabbit....
renzo2: they tried so hard
CraZyQuiN3: The Trix Rabbit... those fucking racist children.
CraZyQuiN3: He's just a damn rabbit... give him some cereal for God's sake!
renzo2: yea... the cereal is really bad, too.... so maybe, in a way, its better that the rabbit
doesnt taste it
renzo2: its like some deep, metaphorical meaning behind it
renzo2: like, in his mind the cereal will be perfect, until he tastes it, and then he will realize
its not perfect.... and then his dreams will be shattered
renzo2: or, he could just be a stupid cartoon rabbit... either or
CraZyQuiN3: Maybe, but he longs for it so... It's the principle damn it! He can't have trix
because it's only for kids! Kinda like in the 60's when the front of the bus was for white
people.
renzo2: LOL
renzo2: comparing trix to segregation
renzo2: yes, the trix rabbit is our modern day rosa parks
CraZyQuiN3: bahaha, wow yeah I'm tired.
renzo2: lololol
renzo2: no, no, its an intriguing theory �Rumplestiltskin: WOULD YOU LIKE TO GUESS MY NAME?!?!�
"My thumbs... I... I CAN'T MOVE MY THUMBS!" -Me improving during Freeze, and my partner replies, "I'm sorry, I can't
help you with that."
"David Duchovny, why don't you love me?" -Me
"My bacteria friends were sitting there." -Jesse
"No offense to them *points to names on program* but, WHY AND
HOW?!" -DANDY!!!!!
"You're not going to Heaven, you're going to P.E.!" -Cody
"Super Nintendo brings out the best in people... FUCK! FUCK YOU
BASTARD NOOOOOO! FUCK YOU!!!!!" -Me
"Okay children, let's stop flirting." -I forgot *sob*
"The Leprachaun will probably stand over here and shoot a rainbow and walk up to your
window and break it in." -Me telling Cody about the malevolent Leprachaun which was going to kill him
"One reason to buy an X-Box over a Game Cube is because there are no Game Cubes in
Scary Clown Land; so all the Scary Clowns will come to your house and play your Game
Cube." -Ahahaha, X-Box add!
"SO MAGGIE WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
"I'M DOING MY GEOMETRIC THEOREMS! THEY'RE SO FUNNY!"
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA CALCULUS! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
"WOO HOO AHAHA I KNOW MY CALCULUS AHAHAHAHA!" -Maggie and I trying not to feel left out
"Ein Gedicht von Eugen Gromringer, und es heisst 'Ping Pong'. Es geht... Ping pong, ping
pong ping, pong ping pong, ping pong." -Part of my Dada presentation
"I had string cheese and a cookie." -AMANDA!!!!
"Do I have a face??" -Uhm, I forgot again DAMN IT *hits self*
"Hey Cody, do you know what a 'Reeve' is?"
"Yeah it's one of those things you hang on your door at Christmas."
"It was like... 'Why did you ditch class?'... 'Here's my phone number'!?!?!" -Step-on-me
"I think any Muppet movie is great. That's where the Zanzibar Barbarians came from..." -Jesse
"READ IT LIKE THE SWEDISH CHEF!" -Copper trying to make me read Shakespeare
"The Germans are coming! The Germans are coming!" -Me excited about CAROLIN COMING YAY!
My spiel about Crossroads:
"Last Thursday marked the most utterly horrible night in my entire realm of existance. Why
is that, do you ask? Hah, well perhaps the reason pertains to the simple unaliable fact that
I SAW CROSSROADS AND I COULD HAVE NEVER EXPECTED IT TO BE SO
TERRIBLE THAT I WOULD LITERALLY WEEP FOR THE FUTURE OF OUR
GENERATION! Before you judge me to be a wretchedly moronic being which I most
likely am, you must understand that Cody and I wanted to see it to poke fun at it. "Oh la
de da we know it's going to be stupid haha Britney Spears, what a joke." No. NO! (By the
way, we got in free... as if we'd spend money on that worthless piece of sh--) It wasn't as if
only ONE aspect of the movie blew monkey chunks; EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY
THING WAS STUPID/JUVENILE/SHALLOW/UNREALISTIC/DID I MENTION
STUPID?/MORONIC AHHHH I CANNOT EVEN JUSTIFY IT'S
HORRIFYING-eh-NESS WITH WORDS IN ENGLISH OR GERMAN!
Frickadippitygardahwack. FUCKING RAT BASTARD FROM HELL I HAD TO MAKE
UP MY OWN WORD! You know, the clothes and makeup were a bit too popstarish for a
realistic portrayal of the average American teen. They're 22 year olds playing 18 year olds
for flipping God's sake; and hey I know that MY big goal on the night of my graduation is
to lose my virginity! I also know that I dance around in skanky underwear with my dad in
house all the time. I mean, who doesn't? WHAT THE BLEEDING FRICK I HOLD
THAT OFFENSIVE TO TEENAGE GIRLS EVERYWHERE! We are not ALL pretty
blonde airheads with a lack of integrity and self respect. Give me a break. And their
attempt at drama morphed into a pathetic mirrored image of most daytime soaps. I tell ya,
the most hilarious part in the movie was where the popular chick found out her fiance
raped the trailor trash chick and she wanted him to admit it to her face so she grabs her
friend who is pregnant with her fiance's baby but the pregnant trailor trash chick protests
and proceeds to fall down the fucking stairs and has a miscarriage. Cody and I were
convulsing; my muscles were literally spasming, I was sobbing like a baby, and we were
both laughing to the end of the earth. Tell me, would even a horrible movie EVER use the
cliche: "Did you hear about the guitar guy?" "No, what about him?" "I HEAR HE
KILLED A MAN!" BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Really. I HEAR
HE KILLED A MAN! *slaps knee* WOO HOO THAT TICKLES ME! *tear* What a
wonderful waste of time. I honestly think Cody and I witnessed a real live portal to hell.
My soul was drained after such an experience. Upon exiting the theatre we were quite
speechless. Upon entering my car... well... we screamed and screamed and screamed and
beat ourselves senseless. *sigh* Know what else? Britney's dad was played by Dan
Ackroyd. Dan fucking Ackroyd. I believe the world is ending."
"IT'S SO BIG! (referring to the toilet) IF I WAS SICK, I WOULDN'T MISS IT!" -Carolin quoting Daniel
"Fucking assholes." -Carolin!!!
"NO PEROGI FOR THE JEW!" -What my imagination thought Carolin's great Uncle said to me. *shakes head*
*Sings song from "Death to Smoochy" aka Best Movie Ever* "He slams the door, he stomps his feet; sends me to bed with zilch to eat... But my
stepdad�s not mean he�s just adjusting! His temper�s bad and he�s a slob; he�s bitter cause
he lost his job... But my stepdads not mean hes just adjusting. So three cheers for the man
that I proudly call Stan! He�s not quite a dad or a brother. Yes he gets cross, but still, HE'S THE BOSS! And besides, he takes care of my mother. So be patient with new friends like Stan,
it's tough to be mom's second man... but my stepdad's not mean he's just adjusting! So
remember kids, a stepdad is a lot like a new puppy. He needs lots of love and patience
while he adjusts to his new surroundings. But remember kids, if he�s ever abusive to you
or mommy, what are the magic numbers? *kids scream: 9-1-1!* THAT'S RIGHT!"
My Conversation with Strother about AP Testing:
Strother: and did you have one with a poem about the "fish in the rock?"
Me: The first essay about comedy was okay.. but after the titanic poem it was all downhill
from there. It was like "Describe the poetic devises and how they are used to help express
the meaning of the poem" and I basically told the AP test to screw itself.. so I'm like uhhhh
it rhymes.. and there are a pattern of syllables to establish a rate and tone which add to the
melancholy aspect or some other bs crap.
Strother: hehehe was it about the titanic?? or something like that?
Me: YES. It was a good poem, but honestly, I didn't feel like analysing it that much.
Strother: Yeah I know I liked the poem alot but analyzing it was STUPID. I was like "the
diction in the poem uhhh makes you feel sad"
Me: It had some deep meaning about the ship representing aristocracy and how money
doesn't matter because the inevitable doesn't give jack about wealth. *shrug* that's what I
saw anyway.
Strother: I said that he was sad about the sinking but it was all fates work and no matter
how well they thought they built the ship it was still gonna sink cause fate or God said it
would
Me: blah blah blah "All right Mr. Gaines, I think I will give you a 3 for your overall score,
which is good considering all the other dumbasses studying English in the world, but you
know... even though you spent 80 damn dollars to waste three hours of your life... IT"S
NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO GET OUT OF FRESHMAN ENGLISH
BUWAHAHAHAHA SATAN WINS AGAIN!"
Strother: NOOOOOOO WHY WHY WHY?*goes insane*
Me: AP Test Man: BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I LOVE RUINING
PROSPECTIVE STUDENT'S LIVES, WHEN IT WOULD BE SO MUCH LESS EVIL
TO HAVE WEIGHTED GRADES IN SCHOOL BUT NO! NO NO NO! I SAY NO TO
A FAIR SCHOOL SYSTEM!
Strother: BLAST YOU AP TEST MAN YOU WEREN"T POPULAR IN SCHOOL
WERE YOU? YOU JUST WANT TO MAKE ALL OF US COOL KIDS FEEL YOUR
PAIN WELL THIS ISN"T THE WAY STOP THE VICIOUS CYCLE MR AP TEST
MAN
Me: AP Test Man: OH BUT I CAN'T!!! YOU SEE, I HAVE A DEAL WITH
PRESIDENT BUSH TO SOON MORPH ALL SCHOOLING INTO A GIANT
STANDARDIZED TEST! YOU SEE, NO STUDENT WILL EVER HAVE TO LEARN
ANYTHING EVER AGAIN! THEY'LL JUST KEEP TAKING TESTS UNTIL THEY
GET ALL THE RIGHT ANSWERS!
Strother: NOOO THAT IS NOT A TRUE LEARNING ENVIRONMENT MR AP TEST
MAN CAN"T YOU SEE THAT? WHY CAN"T WE LEARN? WHY MUST WE BE
FORCED INTO BOREDOM AND COMPLAICENCY
Me: AP Test Man: BECAUSE IT'S THE WAY THE WORLD MUST WORK! IN
ORDER TO BEAT AFGANISTAN AND TO PUT A STOP TO WORLD HUNGER
AND POLUTION WE HAVE TO USE THESE TESTS TO CONTROL THE YOUNG
MINDS SO THE FUTURE LEADERS OF OUR WORLD WILL ALL HAVE THE
SAME NON-IGNORANT OR SELFISH IDEALS! EVERYTHING WILL BE SO
SIMPLE!
Strother: YOUR PLAN IS FLAWED IT WILL ONLY LEAD TO REBELLION TRUST
ME I KNOW
Me: AP Test Man: PERHAPS! BUT I AM TIRED NOW I MUST RETIRE TO THE
WORLD OF STARCHED PIN STRIPED SHIRTS AND EATING RAMIJN NOODLES
IN FRONT OF THE TV WATCHING 20/20 WITH MY THREE CATS! SEE YOU IN
COLLEGE FINALS.... MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *vanishes into AP Test world* "Cactus: If you didn't have one, YOU WOULD DIE!!!!" -Our speech commercial
"ONE POINT TWENTY ONE JIGGAWATTS?!?!?!?!?!" -Me paralleling my Woodstock hair with Doc Brown from Back to the Future "TO THE GALLOWS WITH YOU!" -My Mafia phrase
�Tortilleria ATOTONILCO!� -The best truck ever
"She's pregnant... I should have just pushed her down!" -Cody
"Prevent Spontaneous Combustion: LET IT RIP!" -My T-shirt
"Did you consider the contents of Proposition 209?" -Dominique (WHA-BAM! PROPOSITION 209 IN YOUR FACE.)
"It's a bird... it's a plane... IT'S A WEATHER BALLOON!" in which Tony mocked "It's a
plane... it's a bird... IT'S A GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY!" -Ahh speech debates
"Some people shouldn't be humans." -Ben H.
"Can girls accidentially kill kittens?" -Also Ben H. *rolls eyes*
"Everyone, be a pedophile! It's the new fad!" -Cody and I
"Stop... *snaps fingers* ...stealing my PANTS!" *jazz hands* -The Bloated Housewives (e.g. Me, Darcie and Chris)
"BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM EYIIEYIIEYIIEYII!!!!" -Ed Ed Revolution
"This usually costs a dollar three, but today it's on sale for nine-ty five cents!" -Me, mocking Cody and Amanda's joke about Nine-ty five cents.
"IT'S KITTEN MITTEN AND PUPPY BOOT!!" -CHRIS AND I!!!! (Datamatch doesn't lie.)
"We, the residents Elmhearse, have a Mafia problem.
"That caused bad karma. Go run three laps around each tree." -Refe
�I CAN�T GET THIS GODDAMN CHAIR TO OPEN!� -ROFL the guy from The Sum of All Fears. See the movie and laugh.
*whines* "You're mom calls me Post-it!" -Steve
"Hey, 8th grade called. They want you back." -Fast Eddie from Ed Debevic's
"Oh God, it's the Anti-Christ." -Hugh Grant from "About a Boy"
