"Screw family problems and Wacko Jacko. This is MY THEORY: Justin Timberlake and Justin Guarini are products of some genetic experiment by chauvanist Nazi dissemblers in which certain male anatomies are being altered in order to allow men to have children. I think they're also subjects of a 'fountain of youth' project and are both, in reality, between 45-50 years of age. I believe that when they were young they had a love affair and successfully brought little Mario into the world. But due to the extreme treatment of the Nazis, the Justins sought out a different world of bubble gum and dancing with beach towels and ex-girlfriends who glue diamonds to their unmentionables. The stress of trying to make it as over the hill 34 year olds trapped in the bodies of 14 year olds while raising sweet little innocent Mario was too much. They gave Mario up for adoption and went their seperate ways. I think Guarini went the more domestic route while Timberlake actually made a name for himself. Guarini got jealous and became the runner up on the first American Idol. Timberlake watched with a jeering smirk as From Justin to Kelly flopped and Guarini was dropped from his record label. But Guarini got the last laugh as his darling little boy, Mario, spawned from his blessed womb (duh, Guarini is the woman), proved a front runner in the [now] most popular tv show in America. I think Timberlake, in the wake of a sour year of overbearing Nipplegate jokes and the very existence of a one Kevin Federline, snapped and threatened Mario. Or blackmailed Mario. Or said "Mario *heavy breathing* I am your father". Timberlake got to Vazquez. That's what I think." -My theory on why Mario left AI4

The Machine 4: A Lament to End All Laments

"Did I say asshole*s*? I'm sorry, I mean assHOLE, as in The Asshole, aka CONSTANTINE MAROULIS. OMFG, this kid. I can't even, ugh. He is a total ex-theatre major jerkface, pompous actor from RENT, runner-up on an exceedingly gross episode of Elimidate, nerd disguised as a cool "rocker" which comes off as utter douschbaggery, complete tool, Justin Guarini t-shirt wearing grease monkey who ditched his band like a bitch and eye-fucks the camera into oblivion----TO THE EXTREME. His voice, in itself, is kind of cool sounding, but hey too bad his Constantinity gets in the way. I just hate him, you guys. How any female on this planet would cast a vote for him is beyond my comprehension level. But I predicted from the moment I began to hate him in the audition episodes that he'd make it a super long way, just because he's Constantine. I will admit, however, that he's fun to watch and make fun of. Especially the whole "I'm going to be singing 'I Think I Love You' by the Partridge Family because I think it ROCKS and it's about time someone re-did it" thing. Sigh." -My original opinion of Constantine Maroulis, which is now VERY different :)

"Commercial, and then: Muppet Idols. What the hell? They're singing that Digable Planets -- who I really like, by the way, except for this song -- song "Rebirth of Slick (Cool Like Dat)," and they are Muppets. Human-sized Muppets. I call bullshit on many levels. First of all, WHAT? Second of all, I am 80% sure that this is due to the fact that they were probably scheduled up to their eyeballs like they are every week, and thus could not fit in this week's pimpomercial, so they stuck some people in some quickly-whipped up Big Comfy Couch costumes and just did a quick vocal, which explains why they're all singing in the style of the actual Digable Planets, who are pretty street, but that part's a comfort because I do not need to see Actual Carrie singing about how she's "freak like dat." I just don't need that in my life, to the degree that I think maybe that's a good reason to have the Comfy Couch Muppets there, so we don't have to see her and Jessica and Anwar trying to pronounce things correctly. This kind of thing always reminds me of Billie Holliday, how my Dad told me this story a long time ago about how she sang songs from Porgy And Bess and refused to sing it off the book (e.g., "Porgy, I's Your Woman Now"), and how cool I thought that was, and the opposite of that kind of cool is what these Muppets are doing.
It sucks so bad I'll never stop, so here's the rundown of the good bits: the best thing, hands-down, is the Idol Muppets b-boy dancing on cardboard, in slow motion. That actually looks totally awesome in a very Flaming Lips kind of way. Second most awesome is the butt chin of the Constantine Muppet. I love also: the fact that I can't tell who three of them are supposed to be, and that maybe there's not a Scott Muppet at all; how all of them look almost exactly like the people, except none of them are totally fat or creepy, so you don't know which one is Scott; the fact that they're all wearing hip-hop gear; the fact that Nadia Muppet's hair is too small and I took forever to identify her because without the hair, the Muppet looks exactly like the evil yenta upstairs in Rosemary's Baby; the fact that just like in real life the Carrie and Jessica Muppets are nearly indistinguishable; and finally, Ryan's total and utter confusion at what the fuck just happened. I'm feeling you, dude." -Jacob, TWoP

"Constantine was really "psyched" about the theme this week, you know, because he's an actor. And because it was specifically chosen for him, I think. I'm becoming more sure than ever that this whole "pulls off his rocker mask to reveal a theatre geek" routine has been planned all along, and the reason it looks so incompetent as to be organic is that Randy Jackson is the one carrying the banner (after Paula mismanaged the big reveal with the tongue-in-cheek stuff a while back), and he makes no sense when he talks so every week it's like this big epiphany and anybody who didn't catch on to the basic mendacity at the heart of the Constantine Issue the week before, or the week before that, gets to figure it out right here live. Like, next week Randy's going to talk about how he's just figured out that Constantine is not a rocker but some kind of theatre guy. Mark my words.
Constantine sings "My Funny Valentine" from Babes In Arms, which is not only a musical I've never, ever heard of, which is no rarity, but is also not a show tune, as far as I knew. That's interesting. It was also featured in a Sinatra movie. That's not interesting. You know I hate his ass. However, I do love this song, the Chet Baker version, and thus I despise this version already, because it's hip and sexy (as Constantine of course points out) and is too far from the kind I like. Anyway, Constantine goes all breathy between every couple of words and stares yearningly at nothing. Disgusting. He fake laughs about "is your figure less than Greek," and he thinks the joke is that he's Greek (WE KNOW) but really the joke is that he's a fat-ass monster with sixteen chins and his figure is less than acceptable. He gets really aggro again and some more, and bites the ends of his words like all silly bad theatre guy-yuh and his eyes rolling around in his head. And okay, I've figured it out.
This is sexy, if: you don't know what "sexy" is actually like, because sexually you are cookie dough; it's all outer. It's explicit. Like, the faces of sex, that would be sexy in this world. Really tight pants. Sex toys. Public restrooms, maybe. Like if you say "sexy" but you're thinking of porn, that's what this is. Like actual sex. Like that's what sexy is: having actual sex, making sex faces and getting sweaty and gross. In front of people. He's the Morganna the Kissing Bandit of American Idol. The Juggs magazine of what's sexy. Missing all the underneath stuff, like�you know how period porn like Dangerous Liaisons is sexy to adults? Because of what you don't see? That's one kind of sexy. And the opposite of this is what Constantine thinks is sexy: naked people.
And it's working, dude. Because the other side of letting your junk hang out is that it's more accessible, which for a certain kind of person who's not sure if they'll ever get laid, this combination of unattractive-but-not-prohibitively-so (so, not intimidating), plus the sexual desperation he's trying so hard to telegraph to us, means that he's attainable, and if you add in the weird bisexual vibe, that makes him even less threatening. That he just might love you and make love to you and get you out of wherever unhappy place you might find yourself. And if that's appealing to you, you are a Weiner Dog and he's counting on your vote. He is human fan fiction, sprung to life and ready to serve. And that's the other half of the case, and I'm done trying to figure it out because it's so far removed from my own life, I find it difficult to even think my way there. Also because I don't like understanding stuff like this. It's like when I watched American History X. I am similarly discomfited.
Randy didn't buy the rocker thing ever, y'all. He says, and I totally agree, that this is the best Constantine's ever performed anything, that this kind of thing is what he should be doing each week, something like this. Paula loses it, and must admit that she is falling in love with him -- she loves the twist on the song, and thought it was all quite romantic. Then she says the awesomest thing of the night, which is that Constantine is the "perfect role model for guys to get into musicals," and, like, I don't even know what the hell she means by that but it's so fucking funny. She wishes she could get up and hug him, but for some reason she can't. And I don't know, but I'm guessing it's the drugs. She's kind of lucid tonight, at least physically, she's not falling over like last week or anything, but her words aren't holding themselves together so well. I don't know. I'm not so degenerate that I can diagnose what she's on each week, based on just looking at her. I know she's on something, that's all. Simon notes that Constantine has grown in confidence, which is pretty much true, and he gives the vocals a 7, while the "pouting" gets a 9.5. Mike points out that even when he goes for "smoldering," all he gets is "kind of rapey." Constantine, who wasn't looking forward to hearing from Simon to begin with, gets that he just got called an ass. Ryan asks, as if we should ever be allowed behind that particular curtain, who the real Constantine is, and Constantine says he is many different flavors but they are all disgusting. I'm paraphrasing." -Jacob, TWoP (I want to fucking marry him, omg.)

"I can't believe who we heart!" -Colleen

Me: The real question is, do we like him because he's getting less gross, or is he getting less gross because we like him?!
Col: *silently screams in horror*
Me: I hate us.
Col: I know, I know.

A Mini Play:
Con: So, what are you singing next week?
Bo: "I Don't Wanna Be" by Gavin DeGraw.
Con: Awesome. Good choice.
Bo: Thank you. And yourself?
Con: That overplayed Nickelback song, whatever it is.
Bo: *stares incredulously*
Con: What?
Bo: *still staring*
Con: Dude, WHAT?
Bo: *smacks Constantine across the face*
Con: Christ, what was that for?
Bo: First of all, don't use the Lord's name in vain in my presence. Secondly, NICKELBACK?!?!
Con: Well, I...
Bo: Do you want to be voted off?!
Con: No, I...
Bo: Do you want Savol to win American Idol?!
Con: NO!!
Bo: Well then, as your roommate and friend I must advise against this choice.
Con: It's too late now, damn it.
Bo: *paces* Okay, okay.. how can we make this not a complete trainwreck..
Con: *hopeful* I could kick at the camera a lot and make like I'm attacking the backup singers.
Bo: *stares at him*
Con: No good?
Bo: I give up. *exits*
Con: I like to kick things...

"Rocker-Constantine confronts Theatre-Constantine, which is like Alien Vs. Predator in that no matter who wins there, we all lose." -Jacob from Television Without Pity

"Can we sing something not from five minutes ago?" -Colleen

The Giant, Manic, Insane Farewell LJ Tribute to Constantine!!!!

Idol' Rocker Shocker: No More Constantine:
In a stunning upset last Wednesday night, "American Idol" fave CONSTANTINE MAROULIS was given his walking papers. Did America get it wrong? If the reaction since the announcement was made is any indication, that may be the case.
The audience booed, judge PAULA ABDUL was in tears, Constantine's mother looked shell-shocked as Paula tried to console her, and the rumor is there is a petition being started to try to get the 29-year-old rocker from New York reinstated.
"You can't be too confident in this competition," the ousted "Idol" points out. "I prepared myself every week to go home. It was a bit shocking, but they put me in front of the world's biggest stage, and let me do my thing for months and months."
Constantine dropped by the ET set and told Paula that he felt that he had proven himself and his versatility over the last few weeks and that he had hoped he would get farther along in the finals. He was stunned when he heard his name, but he appreciates the fan reaction.
"If you only knew what a big geek I was at school," he says with a laugh, adding he currently has no girlfriend. "I am still a big geek. So it is pretty awesome to affect people and have the attention."
So what was the glitch? Was it song choice? "How You Remind Me" wasn't Constantine's first choice to sing, but his first choice didn't clear. Thinking the gregarious Greek was safe, did America vote for SCOTT SAVOL after judge SIMON COWELL issued the harsh decree that Scott should pack his bags?
"I was really psyched by the NICKELBACK song," Constantine admits. "That was a huge hit. Not the most range-y song, but I didn't think I needed to go out there and sing high C's all night. I wanted to bring back the rock thing. Then next week, I was going back to a beautiful ballad."
No one knows why America votes the way it does, but Constantine's departure was also timed with the announcement that his band PRAY FOR THE SOUL OF BETTY had just been signed to a record deal by Koch, the same label that released the WILLIAM HUNG CD during last year's "American Idol" competition. Even though it hasn't yet been released, the CD is No. 2 on the amazon.com sales charts.
"I am hoping to do some dates with Pray for the Soul of Betty," he reveals, "but we will see what we can work out. I am committed to the 'American Idol' tour this summer, which I am very much looking forward to doing. I am trying to build a big team around me. I would like to do whatever it takes. I love to work. I love to sing. I love to act. Whatever the best situation is for me and my family, that is what we will do."
Pray for the Soul of Betty are not the only musicians with whom Constantine may be making beautiful music.
"BO BICE and I were roomates, so we have been jamming," he tells Paula. "Check it out. There may be a Bo-Constantine record coming out sometime. Bo and I are both professionals in a sense. We have both been doing this for a long time and struggling. We have both been in vans with no heat driving with our bands to gigs and trying to put out our own music for so long, we appreciate this amazing opportunity."

Colleen's response:
HOLY FUCKING CRAP!!!!!!!!!!
CAN I JUST MARRY HIM RIGHT NOW---PLEASE???!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!
Katie--amazing article, I feel the same way as you. I love him and hate him at the same time (is that possible??) I mean I love you, Constantine--you're hott, smoldering, a GEEK (he got sooo many points for that statement!!!!!), and may do a record with HAROLDBOBICE (I will die happy if that's the last thing I get to hear before I die), yet you fuck everything up with NICKELBACK (WTF until the world ends, which may be soon the way things are going, ha) and you might go back to Betty (nooooooooooo!!!!!!)
I just don't know what to do with him, Katie! My insides are torn up because of this man....I think I need to have his babies (heee heeee) but we'll rty to stay away from his creepy fam (but who knows, they'd probably grow on me, just as Connie did)
I'm hopeless.
See you tonight.
Colleen

"Bo is THAT GUY. That guy, the really cool one, who you see hanging around with the stoner outlaw guys and you watch him out of the corner of your eye as you're hurrying to class and you know they're all on drugs and in trouble with the law but you can't help noticing how blue his eyes are and how those old faded jeans fit him so snugly and the way he moves, kinda like a jungle cat, and he bends his head down laughing and his hair slides over one shoulder and you wonder how it would feel to run your fingers through it...

...and then one day you finally get up the nerve to talk to him and to your surprise he's not a badass, he's really kind of dorky and sweet and funny...and he asks you out to see a movie and when he comes to pick you up he wrestles with your dog and goofs around with your annoying little brother and is totally polite to your mom and wowed by her homemade oatmeal cookies and eats three of them and compliments her like crazy so that she's not even too shocked when you hop on the back of his motorcycle and drive off into the night...

...in the other direction, away from the movie theater, like he's completely forgotten that was the stated purpose of your date, and you're excited and apprehensive and not all that surprised when he takes you up a deserted winding dirt road to the top of a mountain and tells you it's his favorite place...and you watch the sun go down and a couple of hawks circling and smoke a couple of joints and drink a couple of beers and he plays you a couple songs on his guitar...and then he lays the guitar down and finally you get to touch him and he pushes your skirt up and growls softly in your ear and as you lie there under the stars doing everything your mother told you not to do you think that this is something you'll remember for the rest of your life. He's that guy." -TWoP Forum post

"It's Vonzell!... And she's... not that great. Kind of bad, actually. She's singing that song you've heard a billion times, the one that the other little girl sang at the same time? It goes, 'Con Air is the worst fucking movie in the world / How do I ever -- ever -- survive in a world without Malkovich? / Because his gay ass is dead to me,' right?" -Jacob, TWoP

The Bo/Jaded Interview: MAY
JJ: You, my friend... first of all, are disgustingly hairy, but that's not what I was--
HBB: And I'm FAT.
*guy laughing in background*
JJ: --going to say. That's uh, that's a tangent. You're uh, you're like, Liberaci and Ben Affleck rolled into one. MAN are you Hollywood.
HBB: Liba-Affleck. *background guy murmurs* Bo-raci?
JJ: If you're gonna come out to Hollywood, you might as well go Hollywood.
HBB: *begins eating crackers* Where else are you gonna go? You gonna go to Minnesota, / once you come out here?
JJ: NO.--Ruben and I had this same talk--
HBB: Right?
JJ: --once... now--
HBB: And how is Ruben?
JJ: I'll tell ya how he is, he throws away hundred dollar bills just because they're not crisp enough.

~~~~~

JJ: How long until your date in Biju Phillips(sp!) trashing hotel rooms? I give it two weeks.
HBB: *eats a cracker* Um... I've already done the trashing hotel rooms thing, that gets expensive.

~~~~~

JJ: I would not let you out of my site for one second.
HBB: I wouldn't let me out of my site / either.
JJ: Cuz those Hollywood starlets are gonna come a-callin', for some Bo Bice, for some Bob Ice.
HBB: *pause* They got my phone number?

~~~~~

JJ: You gotta find a girl that knows how to make *hang gesture* hush puppies, though, or fry a catfish up.
HBB: No, no I don't like catfish.
JJ: WHAT?!
HBB: Don't like catfish, man.
JJ: You ain't from the South.
HBB: Don't like it, I like uh, / Italian food--
JJ: I know you don't--Nooo.
HBB: --and steaks. 'N ribs. 'N CHICKEEEEN.
JJ: *holding up two fingers* You / say it like that?
HBB: Chick chick chick. CHICKAAAAYYYYAAAANNNN!!!!!!!!
*pause*
JJ: If you, uh, are you worried *they both crack up* about running out of songs in the Allman catalog? ...Gettin' pretty deep.
HBB: Umm... I'm not really worried about too much, man.

~~~~~

HBB: See, I've learned your gimmick, dude, I know yer, I know the way you do this.
JJ: What? I--
HBB: You try to get a rise out of me, man--
JJ: *defensive* What are you talkin' about?! I love Bo--
HBB: --and it doesn't ever, it doesn't ever work.
JJ: I like Bo Bice.
HBB: *giggles*

~~~~~

JJ: You should do one of those Allman jam songs that runs like 29 minutes, you know?
HBB: Yeah.
JJ: Do that.
HBB: One of those long haired people songs.
JJ: Yeah, yeah. Cuz you know, hippies will definately pick up the phone and dial for two hours to vote.
HBB: Yeah because they're so, you know, they're really go getters.
JJ: They're inspired people.
HBB: Yeah.
JJ: Yeah, so that's--
HBB: Motivated bunch, they are.
JJ: That's good.
HBB: You think they'd be able to find, the, the phone?

~~~~~

HBB: I play a lot of Scrabble.
JJ: Yeah.
HBB: You know, really up on that. Big words like cat... and him. And car. That one was a real-- kinda really messed with me for awhile, you know, but I worked it out man.

~~~~~
HBB: Excuse me, Imma gotta git this. *takes off shoe, puts it to his ear* Yeah. Sell. SELL!! Heh, my accountant. The new shoe phone, just came out.
JJ: You are not a Southern boy. You probably sold your truck... / you don't even have a gun anymore...
HBB: *makes a wtf face!*

~~~~~

JJ: Ladies and gentlemen, this has been superstar Bo Bice!
*the two other people in the room clap*
HBB: Huh! Ho! Thank you! Ha ha ha! Thank you! And... and... you. *points off camera* And you. *points to you*

I liked this article: Following around 5 hyper American Idol contestants for a week not only tires you out but leaves you with the chore of searching through hours of behind the scenes antics. Of course not everything could be included in the TV Guide exclusive so here's just a little bit more to give American Idol fans a better look beyond the cameras.
It is easy to tell that a group dynamic has been forged backstage, however it's interesting to note that the main group appears to have three members. That's not to say that all five of the remaining contestants do not have a bond of friendship, it's just that it's plainly obvious that there are deeper bonds in place between some and lesser between others. Just spending two hours in a relaxed setting with the remaining Idols, you can see that where you find Bo, you'll most likely find Anthony, and where you find Anthony, you'll be sure to find Carrie. It's and ecclectic group for sure. Three close friends who you are positive would never have associated with each other had not been for the crazy world they were thrust into.(Ok so Carrie and Anthony would've have been in the popular group in their high school. But Bo?) To watch the three of them behind the scenes is akin to watching a strange college road trip movie where the two pretty kids pick up a long haired hitchiker and they set off on an absured comedic adventure. Here's a brief glimpse into their bizzare yet extremely endearing friendship.
--Carrie sitting on the top of the couch behind Bo, arranging his hair into a thousand little braids, while Bo calmly switches through the channels on the TV.
--Anthony riding piggyback on Bo, while they run through Simon Cowell's office, for apparently no other reason except for to annoy their uptight judge.
--Carrie and Anthony curled together on a sofa in a backstage dressing room, singing softly to each other and then asking, "Was that off? Was I pitchy?" Then breaking into hysterical giggles.
--Anthony strutting around the boys dressing room in a pair of Bo's worn leather pants while complaining to his friend about his painful wedgie. Bo, helps him out by grabbing him from behind and yanking the pants up even higher on Anthony hips.
--Chasing each other through the hallways with Super Soakers, making fellow cast members and crew hide behind scenery to avoid a drenching.
--Bo and Anthony discussing the finer attributes of Pamela Anderson, complete with hand gestures and words that make grandmas blush during an episode of Stacked, while Carrie rolls her eyes and laughs.
One wonders if TV Guide shouldn't have taken a video camera with them and sold the rights to Access Hollywood. It would be quality entertainment.

Tuesday's Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me - "It's really great, with the very fucking drama lights shining down on Bo, who again looks better than ever before, but not as much as he will tomorrow, or the day after that. Well, he's wearing fucking sunglasses, but you know, I think I've got that nailed, and if I'm right, I feel cruddy about getting so irritated by it. It's entirely possible that he's hiding behind them. And in my head, it goes to a place like this: imagine your life is a little ditty about Jack and Diane, or whatever, and your boyfriend is a mechanic with this certain smell of cigarettes and diesel fuel and sweat that never goes away, but it's a good kind of smell, even clean in its way, and he likes to play the guitar and he has a sensitive side and he makes you omelets on Sunday morning and he has eyes the exact color of a college blue book, the same exact color, but the truth is that he's from Chino and you're from Newport and there's no way it'll last. So you invite him to dinner with your folks, or happy hour with your friends at the advertising firm, and he's there with a beer making conversation, hair combed back, looking very sweet and presentable�but he's wearing sunglasses at the table. Because he's scared to death. These little mini-soap operas of the imagination are why it takes me six hundred hours to get anything done." -Jacob, TWoP

Wednesday's In a Dream - "Back in the studio, he does the same exact a cappella as last night, with the same lighting and the same looks in the same directions and hitting the same notes. All that's different are the jeans. And I couldn't care less, because that's Bo telling you the truth about who he is: he's a performer. And that's all he's been doing, and there's nothing wrong with that, but I'm not fooled, Bo Bice! Do you hear me? I know you're fucking talented! And I'm going to tell everybody! The crowd freaks out for a million years -- actually, that makes sense, because they wouldn't have been here last night so much, which means they probably saw it on TV, but have not been in the room with Bo Bice, and as we know, there's nothing like being in the room with Bo Bice. So they're justified in freaking out, basically. But man, it's exhausting from this end, because on my screen, they were identical, and whatever whatever whatever, if you don't see this as fake and silly, I don't want to fight you on it, because his talent is undeniable, and I like him, and I don't care why you like him, as long as you do, everything that rises must converge. I'm just insulted on his behalf, as I've said." -Jacob, TWoP

An excerpt from LJ: "As you may or may not know, Colleen Ryan (graphic design major at ISU and one of my bffs) has been my number one partner in AI madness this year. We were talking tonight and she told me how she realized that her obsession with AI is really bad, citing a few examples. Whatever, we're talking, and the whole time I'm staring at my TV Guide and drooling, and I tell her about the "Do you know what that lamp is? That's Bo Bice" of the other day, and then there's a joke about stage diving and Constantine's largeness and the crushing of fangirls and how Bo could do it because he's little and then me allowing him to stage dive me, whatever, and then me being all "Oh. My last LJ entry about AI." and Colleen saying "Katie. That's awfully dramatic. You won't write one tomorrow?" and then I said "I was thinking I'd just write BO WINS and leave it at that" but of course I then started thinking about stuff, and she asked what if Bo doesn't win and I had this image involving adobe, Carrie and devil horns to which I busted out laughing and told her and then Colleen Ryan said I should make two different versions of the lj entry and it was thus clear to me that she is the Puppet Master behind all of this, and that you see all my entries and all my craziness and NONE of Colleen's so ****I**** look like the FREAK when in reality, it is much different. Here now, is my loving revenge, for the only AI related dream I have ever had is the one many months ago when I was best friends with Clay Aiken. Enjoy this email Colleen sent me the other day:

KATIEEE omg, i had a totally awesome dream last night. ok, so i think it stemmed from me reading the tv guide article last night and also you saying that constantine was on myspace. so that's the set-up, hehe. So, these are facts that we're going to have to accept---the idols were staying in Springfield OR i was living in LA but it looked like Springfield, ok? my dad and i had a hunch that we knew what apartments (cute little cabin-type) they were staying in---it was a very secluded area in a very nice village/subdivision in springfield (where these dream aparatments do NOT actually exist in reality, fyi). So, we take a nice stroll over there to pretend that we are just taking a walk, but we're actually scoping it out to see if they're there, hehe. and i go closer, casually walking by--and i see VONZELL outside meditating or something, ha, and she gets up as i approach and we just both say 'hey' real casual-like and i keep walking til i come back around to my dad and FREAK OUT cuz i saw vonzell and we were right about where they were!! hehe, this is so lame but i thought you'd appreciate it. oh, but we're not done yet!!!!!! ok, so, then i come back to the apartments with YOU and we do the walk-by thing again, ha, but this time one of doors are open and BO and CONSTANTINE and CARRIE are in there just hangin out like we did in the dorm (awesome!!) and they call out to us, so we, umm, GO INSIDE, and hang out with them!!! we just sort of jack around and tease each other about stuff and it is totally awesome and cool. and this is the best part, heehee, you can totally tell that bo likes you and that constantine likes me (LOL), so yeah, it's like the best dream ever--and i wake up before i can give connie my #. so ummm yeah-----when i woke up it felt so real i was like, wait--nooo, damn that wasn't real **SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH**
have a great day!
love youuuuu!!
-colleen

There was then a SEPERATE P.S. email saying something to the effect of "our boys were lookin' mighty fine". Do you see?! Colleen IS Big Brother, and here are her laws:

AI IS PEACE

SANITY IS SLAVERY

BONSTANTINE IS STRENGTH

BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!!"

Favorite Performances:

Judd- "Travelin' Band"
Mikalah- "God Bless the Child"
Nadia- "Try a Little Tenderness"
"You Don't Have to Say You Love Me"
Anthony- "I Knew You Were Waiting for Me"
"Don't Take Away the Music"
"I Surrender"
Vonzell- "Best of My Love"
"I Have Nothing"
"Let's Hear it for the Boy"
"I'm Every Woman"
Carrie- "Alone"
"Trouble"
"Sin Wagon"
"Crying"
Constantine- "I Think I Love You"
"I Can't Make You Love Me"
"My Funny Valentine"
"Bohemian Rhapsody"
"Nights on Broadway"
Bo- "Whipping Post"
"Spinning Wheel"
"Time in a Bottle"
"Vehicle"
"I Don't Wanna Be"
"Stand By Me"
"For the Love of Money"
"Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me"
"In a Dream"
"Sweet Home Alabama" (w/ Lynyrd Skynyrd)

"America voted... it's a tie... Seacrest out."

"Celebrity, is this money for... drugs?" -Me, IN A DREAM

SEACREST: Let's go to Vancouver. You're on with us. Go ahead.

CALLER: Yes, Bo, I'm on dialysis, and I listen to your music that I've downloaded off the Net. And you've really helped me get through my dialysis sessions. And I appreciate it so much. And I was wondering, if you're not going to shave or get rid of your mustache soon, are you?

BICE: I don't plan on doing that. But you know, first of all, that really means a lot to me. I thank you very much. And bless you, man. You know, I'll say a prayer for you for that. You know, that's really cool. That means a lot to me.

Jon: Now, is it because sugarmoney.com was taken?
Bo: *pause* You're so prolific.
Jon: Stop it.

From the AI4 Finale Recap!!!!!
"They all look ridiculous. It's not even thematic, it's just apparently Look Like Asses Day, onstage. Constantine's wearing a striped Good Humor jacket, they're mostly wearing white jeans -- white jeans -- Nikko's got not one but like five polos with the collars popped, okay, in the flattering hues of Rabid Melon and Aching Lime, under a white sport jacket, which jacket A-Fed is also wearing, with Institutional Blue scrub pants that are aggressively crotchy. They Lift and Separate. Anwar persists with the Bj�rk hair and Kravitz shades, but is now complementing them with a fitted Biological Pink shirt and egregious cameltoe. Lindsey doesn't look too bad, she's wearing white jeans and an orange tank, with a clashing red sash. Scott's wearing a sport jacket in a lovely shade of Elementary School Cafeteria Orange and still looks better than most everyone. Vonzell's wearing a yellow sheath dress and is pretty presentable, except for a huge clot of turquoise at her neck, and Nadia's man-chest is exposed to the world in a sassy Roman Senator number held together by gold chains, hotpants, and a weird plastic belt, and has accessorized with some strange white fan-brush earrings that look like scallops."

"Then Anthony sings -- wait for it -- "Surfer Girl," sitting on the steps, his little self all perfect for this song and whatnot, and then Constantine and Anwar feel some drama."

"George Huff loses it in the crowd at this point and his little fists go crazy in the air, shaking and wigging out. I could buy that George Huff is a huge fan of Rascal Flatts, because I have no idea what gets George Huff excited, besides, like, life, but I think it's more likely that he's just overwhelmed by everything going on around him. Sights and sounds."

"I support a Bo Bice-centered calendar."

"His grandma is again doing a fucking duck call in the audience. I wish a duck would come. Show her what for."

"During the commercials, I think about how my friend Brad told me the other day about when Bono told somebody: "I don't know why, but we always had this belief that there was something sacred about our music, that it was almost holy." I think about that a lot when I've got some downtime, because mulling over this beef I've recently discovered I have with Bono has pretty much completely overshadowed planning my next sneak attack on Lou Diamond Phillips. Whence this hate? I'm like two to ten years too late to be on some kind of "fuck Bono" bandwagon, and yet it consumes me."

"Now we'll be visiting Carrie in her dressing room, where all the Dasani water in the world lives."

"This shit is more content-free than a Tom Cruise interview."

"That's what I'm thinking about while this ongoing, never-ending pile of nothing goes on moving ever forward at a pace, and level of destruction, not unlike those of the mighty glaciers that are even now dissolving under the harsh eye of the sun. This is the kind of boring that could create the Rocky Mountains, given time."

"I would rather see A-Fed dancing in a Speedo in a John Waters movie than go forward with this mess right here."

"Back to the little boy, who...screams back, "Whaaa did yew use reverse sacholidgy awn Bo?" It's hilarious, the pandemonium going on in this tiny dressing room. Thank God for LaToya London."

"I didn't buy it with the past years, but I so totally believe that Carrie and Bo just adore each other, because they're so much the same and so different, and he's such a perfect big brother and she's such a perfect little sister, that there's no way they don't get along."

"Then they go to a Greek restaurant, "Maroulis Dine & Dance," and I can't wait for that shit because you know what's going to happen. Constantine welcomes Steve in and then does some kind of Guido Sarducci riff with a giant Shalit mustache, all about Simon touching someone all over, thereby, in a sad but maybe inevitable isomorphic coincidence, touching himself all over, and then he makes those Constantine faces at the camera through his mustache. It's not funny, it's gross."

"This is the secret best thing about boys: when they get like this, about a new car or Lynyrd Skynyrd, and it's so contagious that your face can start to hurt; it's like he's just forgotten where the hell he is or what he's doing, so he can just relax into and not worry about it, or this show, or anything else again. Until the end of the song... Until the end of the song, he's the luckiest boy in the whole damn world, and it's fucking awesome."

"I heard also that Ben Stiller was here with Christine, and they said they'd voted for Bo like 500 times. How come they're not one of those couples? They've made like eighty movies together, and they are, both separately and communally, pretty awesome. Maybe they stay home a lot. Or maybe nobody can come up with a word for them. "Staylor?" A world that can handle TomKat could use a little Staylor in it, is all I'm saying. Or, like, Jack Black and Kightlinger. How come nobody ever talks about them? 'Sup with the Blightlinger, y'all?"

"Ryan steps in between Carrie and Bo, who are holding hands, and Bo starts crying. Carrie still feels like she might die, but I don't care, because there's Bo. Crying."

"Questions: So, like, when's Bo's album coming out? Come on. And will Carrie be titling her album "Love Songs to Martina McBride," or will it be a more subtle homage? Did Adam get home all right? Did Paula get home all right? How will they top this freak show next year? Is Janice really leaving America's Next Top Model? Who will be the next past Idol to break into the mainstream, and will they have to fly to a secret Norwegian location to do so? Why didn't Bo ever fucking sing "Brandy"? I asked politely. Is Carrie really more marketable than Bo? Will Mark McGrath come back next year? What happened to the flamingo? Who do I need to talk to about the wardrobe for the group sing at the beginning? Will I actually get around to auditioning this summer? Will you?"

"And anyone who's stuck around for the whole season? You're my Idol. Seacrest out."

I LOVE YOU JACOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My American Idol