October 10, 1982
Its been ten years today since that fight. I walked out on the only person I’ve ever really loved, and for what? To save face? HA! Whatever face I had was gone the minute I first stepped on a stage.
Or was it to spare my dignity? Not that I really ever had any of that either. Otherwise I wouldn’t be what I am. And it DEFINITELY wasn’t for my pride…or was it? I COULD have let my pride get in the way. But maybe that would have been too easy.
Maybe it was for my heart. After all, I killed all those feelings a long time ago. I haven’t let these feelings get me down in years. So why are they coming back to haunt me now?
God Damn these feelings! They make me so week inside and out. If only life could be as wonderful as a dream…as magical. That way I could go back to the best times of my life and never have to worry or hurt again. But the sad thing is this: it isn’t really as bad as it seems. I just wish Brian could have seen that.
“Curt,” he told me once, “life sucks. This empty feeling is something that has always been with us. The only thing that’s worth anything is the part where you dream.”
I used to think he was right about all of that. Part of it was dead-on…but life doesn’t really completely suck. I’ve had some good times. Parts of my life I wouldn’t trade for the world. But then again, there are those damned feelings. Its just easier to kill them all… all of the ones we don’t need. Just start at the beginning…with the sense of self…and kill all of those ghosts before they come back to haunt us.
Start with your sense of self and kill all your ghosts…
I like that. Maybe I could use it in a song. I haven’t written a song in a long time. Well, not a real good one. Most of the stuff I write lately is drivel.
God damn these feelings
that make me us so weak.
Why can’t life be
as magic as sleep?
This could work. Brian always said that writing songs from the heart was a stupid thing to do – that it never really worked. And I always believed him. Damn I was stupid.
But the silly, sad thing is:
Its really not all that bad
This empty feeling’s something
I’ve we’ve always had.
I think I’m onto something here. This isn’t the normal mindless, boring shit that I come up with. Of course, since I like it so much, everyone else is going to hate it. After all, look at all of my other songs? I never really could do what Brian did – get out there and make people go crazy.
The biggest hit I ever had was “Gimme Danger” and I’ll never do that song again. Its too painful. It reminds me of him.
Its ridiculous to be sitting here ten years later, pining for the one that got away. But I had spent so long looking for him…I never thought I’d actually find him…the one that made me fall in love.
But it turns out it wasn’t real. Love never is. Its just a massive chemical misfire in our brains. Brian proved to me that being the romantic is a stupid thing. You can’t worship another person… you have to look out for yourself.
In this new world
Of self-religion,
It’s the only way
To be forgiven
To Kill all the feelings
That weigh you down…
I wish Brian could see this. He’d think it was stupid…but then again, what the hell does it matter what Brian thinks? He’s the one strung out on every drug he can find, hiding in some pit somewhere, waiting to make his big comeback as “Tommy Stone,” and I’m the one out here in the spotlight.
Well, sort of. But at least I’m honest with myself and the world. Fuck ‘em all if they don’t like what I am. Its my choice.
And its also showtime. I’ll finish this later.