December 31, 1972
Another year gone. Some would say it was wasted, while others would say that it was very productive. Personally, I’d say that it has been the worst year of my life. The only good part is that I got off the junk, and have no desire to go back. I still drink like a motherfucker though.
I did have a blast in Berlin with Jack Fairy. In my search for a meaningful relationship, and on the rebound from that horrible fight with Brian, I ran to him. Only, it meant nothing but a fuck and a new album to him, so I was ultimately used and left behind. Again.My self-respect – what little of it there is – took a back seat to my desire for love once again. You’d think that by now I’d learn to stop doing that.
We did have a great time, and we recorded some great songs, but he didn’t really care about me. He’s the pioneer, the survivor, the “hip” one. I’m just the guy that fucked Brian Slade. THAT is where this entire year has landed me.
But I’m not bitter. Hell, I’ve forgotten how to feel. I’ve learned to push the pain away – to send it below the surface. Sometimes it feels like I’m suffocating, but its for the best.
Jack invited me out with him tonight, but I don’t see why I should go. It won’t do anything but bring back more memories that I don’t want to think about. Apparently he just wants someone a little more famous than he is on his arm to make him look good. But at least he had the decency to ask. Brian always wanted someone prettier than me.
Of course, Brian used to hate it because I never really liked parties. “Curt,” he used to say, “how do you ever expect to get anywhere in this world if you don’t go to the parties? The parties have the best people. And the best drugs.”
I don’t do drugs anymore.
But it IS New Years. It’s the time for new beginnings – starting fresh. Maybe I should go. It just might be possible for me to try all of that stupid shit. Maybe I really can start fresh.
Well, I can at least try. What have I got left to lose?