“Sheldon, how many times have I told you not to insult the guest speaker?”
“Is that a rhetorical question?”
“No! Well, yes. But I keep trying to explain to you that society considers it rude to publicly insult intelligent people!”
“But he’s wrong.”
“The man is three times your age and has four doctorates!”
“Yes, but he’s still wrong.” ~ + ~
“Oh no, what happened this time?” Raj asked as Leonard stumbled through the door, looking more harried than usual.
“Oh, nothing out of the ordinary, Raj,” he whimpered, and collapsed into a nearby chair. Raj and Howard were both suspicious of this behavior, and they knew it had something to do with a certain genius that had not yet come through the door.
“Like I said,” Raj stated, “Oh no, what happened this time?” Leonard gave the sarcasm a dirty look and sighed.
“Sheldon told the guest speaker that his approach to String Theory is as comical as a cat stalking a ball of yarn.” As Leonard finished his statement, Sheldon, oblivious to the conversation around him, stepped into the room.
“Nice analogical connection,” Howard said, taking a moment to ponder the thought, “But still a bad idea, Sheldon!” The sound of his name seemed to snap him back to reality. He pursed his lips and crossed his arms.
“Well, I disagree.” Sheldon turned abruptly and started out of the room. Or would have, had it not been for the slender, dark-haired woman in the way. “Can I help you?” he asked, sounding surprised.
“May I talk to you for a moment?” she asked. Her accent was thick, and obviously Russian. She looked only at Sheldon, but he made no move. “In private?”
“Oh, I suppose,” he responded, sounding slightly irritated. “My office is just down the hall.” The woman smiled at him and stepped back, allowing him to brush past her and lead the way. The three remaining occupants of the lab listened intently until they heard the sharp snap of Sheldon’s door closing.
In a flash, they were fighting to see who would be the first to get out of the lab and press his ear to Sheldon’s door. It was a tangle of arms and legs all the way down the hall, and the thump of bodies against the office door should have been enough to give them away.
Inside, the voices never stopped.
Pressed together to listen, the three could barely make out what was being said. The tone of the woman’s voice was seductive, while Sheldon’s grew steadily more impatient. Then, there was a pause, and Sheldon sounded almost gracious.
Then they realized the voices were moving toward the door. The three panicked and scattered, each hiding behind a separate door. Raj made it back down to the lab just in time to appear busy, while Howard ended up in a broom closet. Leonard, on the other hand, was left standing in the hall, foolishly attempting to ponder the inner workings of the water fountain.
When the door opened, he turned, and was very surprised to see the woman lean up on her tiptoes and kiss Sheldon lightly on the cheek. The action startled him, and he narrowed his eyes at her.
“That was an illogical act,” he said simply, and without emotion. She only smiled and walked away.
As soon as she was out of earshot, Sheldon’s colleagues swarmed him, wanting all of the details of this new and mysterious woman.
“She’s not another Missy, is she?” Howard asked hopefully.
“No,” Sheldon responded. He was unfazed by the sinking of all three faces around him.
“So who is she? What did she want?” Leonard prodded, his voice a little more excited than it should have been.
“Her name is Tatyana Komárova, and for your information,” Sheldon snapped, “she quite agrees with my assessment of Doctor Warstein’s studies.”
“You mean she was in the lecture?” Leonard questioned. He was confused.
“Yes.”
“And she was paying attention to you?”
“Well, not solely to me. But she did find it amusing that I would compare a fellow Theoretical Physicist to a feline. She thought the comparison was…telling.”
“Telling?” Leonard asked. He was completely confused. “Telling what?”
Sheldon shrugged. “How should I know? She seems bright enough, but her mind is the most illogical thing I have ever encountered. Women’s minds are never easy to understand, you know.”
Holding his nose significantly higher than normal, Sheldon turned on his heels and strode back into his office, pushing the door closed behind him. Leonard, Howard, and Raj looked back and forth at each other, more confused than ever.
“Since when was Sheldon an expert on the woman’s mind?” Raj asked. “I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him carry on a conversation with a woman other than his mother or sister.”
“Oh, like you have,” Howard snapped. “Sheldon doesn’t know what he’s talking about, and neither do you, Raj.”
“Well neither do you, Howard,” Leonard barked. “You live in your mother’s basement. The only woman you’ve ever had was the one you got at Penny’s party.”
“And you know everything there is to know, right?” Raj asked.
“I didn’t say that,” Leonard retorted, hanging his head.
“Yeah, you’re the one that’s obsessed with a girl and too afraid to tell her how you feel, Leonard,” Howard added.
“Guys, please! What we may or may not know about women is not the point!” Leonard stammered, stamping his foot impatiently. “The point is, Sheldon had a woman in his office, and he hasn’t told us a single thing about her!”
“Yes he did,” Raj said. “He told us her name.”
“Yeah, but aside from that, and the fact that she kissed him on the cheek, what do we know about her?”
“Wait…she kissed Sheldon?” Howard questioned. He looked disgusted. “Sheldon? She kissed him?”
“Yes, she kissed him, and I want to know why!” Leonard whined. Straightening his shoulders, he stepped up to Sheldon’s closed door and knocked.
“Go away!” came the response from inside. Ignoring it, Leonard shoved open the door and stepped inside. Sheldon was at his whiteboard, studying a formula that made very little sense, mainly because no one else could read his writing. Irritated, he stood up and pressed his hands to his hips. “The phrase ‘go away’ does not entitle one to enter, Leonard.”
“I don’t care. Tell me what’s going on with this girl!”
“What?” Sheldon asked innocently. It was as if he had already forgotten she existed. “She complimented my work ethic and my ability to catch flaws in others’ reseach.”
“But she kissed you.”
“So?”
“Why did she do that?”
“How should I know?”
“Because you were the one that had the conversation with her!” It was Leonard’s turn to be irritated. “She was in here for nearly ten minutes, then she kissed you and walked away. She wasn’t bothered by your lack of social skills, and she didn’t even seem to mind that you insulted the kiss she gave you!”
“She’s a scientist, Leonard,” Sheldon droned, as if this were something Leonard should already know. “It was probably some sort of social experiment.”
“I think she likes you,” Raj piped up from the doorway.
“That’s absurd,” Sheldon replied.
“How can you be so calm?” Howard asked. He was nearly ready to jump out of his skin from the excitement. “This girl really digs you, and you act like nothing is going on.”
“That’s because there isn’t anything ‘going on,’ as you put it. Again, the idea of that woman being at all interested in me is absurd.”
“No, it isn’t!” Leonard whined. “Rajesh is right. She likes you, and you have to accept that, and you shouldn’t be so calm about it! Get excited, Sheldon!”
“Interesting hypothesis,” Sheldon said, musing over the subject with no apparent change of emotion, “but you have no evidence to back it up. And I will not get excited unless I’m given irrefutable proof that your hypothesis is indeed correct.”
“Um, hi…she KISSED you.”
“Oh…” Sheldon sounded surprised. “That’s right. Well, I suppose this is going to take some research.” Again, he strode calmly out of the room, leaving his three confused friends standing in his wake. They looked between each other, shrugged, and left the room. Leonard turned out the light and closed the door.
“Well…that’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever witnessed.”