Ending the Silence

* MESSAGE BOARD
* HOME
* DONATIONS
* HOTLINES
* DEFINING ABUSE
* GROWING UP
* SEXUAL ABUSE
* DEPRESSION
* THE HEALING JOURNEY
* CHANGING PATTERNS
* GETTING SUPPORT
* LINKS
* ARTICLES (PIECES WRITTEN BY ME)
* BOOKS
* MY POETRY
* GODS & GODDESSES OF MYTHOLOGY
* GEM MAGICK
* HERBS
* WICCA
* FAIRIES
* SUPERSTITIONS
* ART WITH WORDS
* DISCOVERING DRAGONS
* ANCIENT BELIEFS

The abuse was never our fault! We never asked for it, wanted it, or needed it. It was done to us!

If you have visited this site before then you know that its appearance has changed yet again. I love to hear what you about the changes to the site, if you like them, or prefer the older look, and if you are new, well then you have little to compair this new look with, but in neither case, I hope you enjoy the site and thank you for stopping bye.

Been battered and bruised,
Been lost in the darkness,
Drowning in the sea of sorrow,
But here I am still standing,
Still seeking and striving
To stand tall.

Click on any of the areas listed below to visit those pages. Thank you.

Past Becomes Present

Common Patterns in Adult Survivors

What is normal?

Feelings: Necessary part of life

Panic: Calming Down

Guilt & Shame

What is guilt?

What can guilt do to you?

Suggested steps to overcome guilt

What is anxiety?

What is panic disorder?

Panic attack symptoms

Anger management tips

Boundaries

What is a boundary?

Signs of ignored boundaries

Rational boundary building thinking

How to establish healthy boundaries

Ten ways to build your self esteem

How to increase your self esteem

Self Acceptance

Self acceptance is an important part of healing, to be able to like who one is and to accept that what was simply was, and that one can only change the present and the future...Only you can change who you are and the only person who truly matters is you, that you like you!

No matter what abuse you have suffered, it is the emotional abuse that is at the core of the problems you may currently be facing. You may have difficulty with the ability to trust, low self-esteem, depression, relationship problems, eating disorders, and alcohol or drug addictions. The emotional abandonment, the lack of consistent nurturing, protection and guidance left you in a state of internal deprivation, with feelings of isolation and emptiness. You may have been striving to fill that emptiness with alcohol or drugs, food, or material goods to name a few.

As a child you may have had dreams of what it would be like when you became an adult, but shortly after, found yourself disillusioned, disenchanted with your adult life. Nothing seemed to be going like you thought, either with your job or personal relationships. You found yourself feeling lonely and depressed. You might of starting asking yourself questions, like "why do I feel like this?" "Why don't my relationships work?" for a few explains. You might have found yourself becoming more and more like your parents, and hating what you were becoming but didn't know how to stop it.

To find the answers to why your life wasn't working, you have to first look at your childhood, to see how you adapted to your abusive family in order to survive.

Try to remember a specific episode of abuse in your childhood. How did you feel? Did you notice any adaptations you made in yourself to deal with the abuse? How did you change over time deal with your family? Did you notice any changes in your personality, or heard of other family members comments? Can you remember anything that shaped who you are? If not, have you changed any behaviors that had existed most of your life for better?

There is no locking the doors,
The doors to the heart and soul,
For every opened door,
Comes a new dawn.

Common patterns that appear consistently in adult survivors of child abuse are problems with control, avoiding feelings, guilt from over-responsibility, crisis addiction, guessing at normality, and absolute thinking.

Control

The first issue, control is best understood if you remember the instability and unpredictability, the chaos and uncertainty that reigned in your home. As a child, you didn�t know when the next explosion or episode would occur. You learned to �hang back� , to be watchful and cautious, to deny, suppress, and repress your feelings and thoughts, and to control your outward behavior. You felt that you had to be in control in order to have some predictability in an unpredictable world.

A quote by Charles Whitfield written in �Healing the child within� is �Ultimately, we cannot control life, so the more that we try to control it, the more out of control we feel because we are focusing so much attention on it. Frequently the person who feels out of control is obsessed with the need to be in control.�

Since survivors grow up in a chaotic environment often times we go to great lengths to have order in our lives. Control can be a positive or a negative influence in our lives. The positives are that one may be good at organization, planning, and orderly, but the down side is that one may lack the ability to be flexible, difficulty in negotiating or compromising.

For myself, I never truly thought of myself as having a problem with the need to be in control since I find making decisions difficult but as an adult I found myself in situations that I couldn�t control or have an influence over. In these situations I found myself upset, nervous, and uncomfortable. In most cases, my initial reaction was to act like a spoil child or flee the situation when things were not following a set pattern or plan. Thus, I found myself looking backwards, wondering why I was so inflexible and wondering how much of my life was influenced with the need to being in control. I have never been one whose able to make on the spot decision or to go with the flow. For me, going with the flow always brought forth an element of chaos, unpredictability, and the unknown.

My need or desire to control stems from my fear of the unknown, the terror I have toward chaos. As a child, chaos and the unknown reigned supreme in my life with an alcoholic stepfather and a manic depressive mother. Even though now as an adult I acknowledge that I have this problem at times I find myself struggling since I have three children and a husband who love spontaneous activities, whereas for me it leaves me unsettled and unprepared for the event. I try my best everyday to accept the world around me, but sometimes it does get the best of me, and I find myself needing space. I need time to get my bearings and stability before I can jump into the event or the situation. At times this annoys both my husband and my children, but for me, it is just the way I am, and I can not be more than I am, thus we attempted to have a brief plan of the activities, but no one can truly predict what will be or what will happen for in general life can be chaotic.

Avoiding Feelings

As a child growing up in an abusive home you learned to deny what you were feeling. You learned to distrust what you felt and to ignore whatever your senses tell you. If you cried when you were beaten, then you got beaten some more for crying, or if you expressed your anger, you may have been punished for doing so. Thus, you concluded that feelings were an experience to be feared, so you learned to keep a lid on them. You taught yourself to be emotionally unaffected and not to express them. Another reason you may avoid feelings as an adult is that you associate feelings with actions. If you saw your mother being anger and she slapped you or if you saw your dad sexually aroused and he abused you, then you learned to assume feelings with actions. You didn�t learn that feelings could be something to warn you of action or that they didn�t have to be acted upon. Many times as a child you were not allowed to have feelings for if you felt scared, you couldn�t seek comfort because previous efforts had led to rejection. Thus, you learned to obey the unspoken rule that feelings were not to be express or talked about.

In addition to the above reasons, the intensity of the feelings you did have- terror, rage, helplessness, and sadness -was so powerful that it would have been overwhelming to fully experience them. There is just so much that a human being, especially a child, can feel before the person �shuts-down�. Now, as an adult, you have shut down so much and learned to avoid your feelings so well that it�s hard for you to feel anything intensely.

Guilt from over-responsibility

You may feel guilt that stems from feeling overly responsible for your parents actions and for the abuse your siblings received. Typically, children are self-centered and usually think that the events around them are the direct result of their behavior. If you were abused in spite of good behavior, then you assumed that the mistreatment must have been because of something you thought or did. You may have tried to be the prefect child, but it never worked. Your parents might of even told you that it was your fault. Thus, you learned that you had responsibility for what the other person felt or did, and when someone was upset you blames yourself, feeling that there must be something you could do to try it.

For myself, I am still struggling with the responsibility I feel toward my mother. I have always felt that I was responsible for how she felt and whatever actions she took or didn�t take as if I had some control over her. Logically I know that I don�t have this, but emotional I am tied to her much to closely and have in recent months withdrawn from her for my own well being. I am attempting to remove the responsibility I feel toward her knowing that it is misplaced and misguide, a result of the messages and abuse she handed out to me. For a long time I also felt responsible for the sexual abuse I suffered as if in some way I asked for it. I know and feel differently now, but in the beginning stages of my healing I felt this very strongly.

Crisis Addiction

Crisis addiction is an extension of your childhood. You became used to inconsistency, surprises, and terror that when things in your adult life are
calm and stable, you literally don't know what to do with yourself. Chaos is what you have become accustomed too, so to be throughout it, you may feel lost, uncomfortable, and keep searching for the crisis. Thus, if you find your life is calm and peaceful, but you are feeling uneasy, anxious or depressed you may be addicted to crisis, because without a crisis there is nothing for you to manage or deal with. In another instance it may be the person you choose to date or be with, they may create the crisis with you cleaning up and dealing with it.

For a long time when I felt life was too calm or peaceful I would find myself searching for the next conflict, and when I couldn't find
a conflict, I knew that I had to look no further then my own mother. Thus, if life began too calm, I reach out to my mother knowing that within a short time chaos would occur. It hasn't been easy, but I have backed away from doing this and instead finding healthy ways to spark excitement.

Guessing at Normality

What is normality? You have not reference point, since your home environment was one of extremes. If you compared your home to others you found yourself confused because others didn�t seem as chaotic, unpredictable as yours. Since you couldn�t talk about the differences, ask questions, or share your feelings you may have found yourself wondering how to act, what to think, and feel.

For myself, I can remember as a child watching a family sitcom, wondering why my family was so different. Wondering why we didn�t seem to solve problems, talk about things, or have the fun that the families on television seemed to have. Yet, I never really seemed able to express what was so wrong with my family.

Absolute Thinking

Absolute thinking is the belief or the thought that everything is in black and white, all or nothing. You think in a matter that all things are right or all wrong, there is no middle ground. You either trust completely or not at all. Children generally see things not in relative terms but in absolute terms, because of your need to maintain control at all times you may not be able to see things in between. This plays a greater role when it comes to success. For with success you are either successful or a failure, and little middle ground exist. Due to this absolute thinking you may have little self esteem, judging yourself harshly when something doesn�t come out the way you imagined or planned it to be.

Minimizing

Minimizing means "pretending that whatever happened wasn't really that bad." You find ways of downplaying the actions of the adults. "Kids growing up surrounded by abuse often believe that everyone else grows up the same way."

I know that I did. I actually believed that there had to be something wrong with me, and that was why I didn't feel comfortable with the sexual abuse my stepfather was doing. I honestly thought that it was just how everything was supposed to be, that he had a responsibility to teach me about sex, and how to please a man. I know now, that wasn't true, but I didn't then.

Rationalizing

Rationalizing "is the means by which children explain away abuse." We invent reasons as to why the abuse is happening, and keep the focus on the abuser as we attempted to explain their actions. A feat that I have done myself, explaining that the emotional abuse my mother gave to me was because I caused the love of her life to leave her alone with a small ill child. I explained the sexual abuse I received from my stepfather as the simple fact that he was my teacher, and that he was an alcoholic who didn't know any better, that somehow he had become confused, and thought that I was his wife, or at least performing some of her roles. As well as for a while I spent time, trying figure out why they could treat me the way they had, explaining that he had been physically abused by his father, and that my mother has been verbally abused by her own mother and older sister. Yet, in the end, all I was doing was focusing on them, instead of myself.

Denying

Denying "is turning your head the other way and pretending that whatever happened isn't, or what has happened didn't." It is almost universal where incest is concerned. Denial is a way of avoid telling anyone about the abuse. It is easy for a child to deny the abuse then to face the fact that the abuse is happening. For a long time, I did this, until I wake up one day and found myself looking at suicide or survival. I had been fifteen years old, and no longer able to handle the abuse that was occurring. I was frightened of getting pregnant, and yet, how could I tell anyone that it could happen? How could I tell anyone that I was having sex with my stepfather? I had become really depressed, wanting to die, to be invisible, become anxerioa, and found myself striving toward very dangerous behaviors. I was looking for death, being unable to actually commit suicide, and yet, sometime deep inside of me told that my life could be different. It was a painful choose, but I had to stop denying that the abuse was occurring, and had to expose the secret, no matter what pain it caused my family, for I knew that I had a right to have a chance at having a life. It wasn't easy for me, for I had feared being completely rejected my family, especially my mother, who I wanted to protect, but once in my life I had acted totally selfishly and faced the truth, forcing them to face it too.

Forgetting

Forgetting is one of the most common and effective ways children deal with sexual abuse. "The human mind has tremendous powers of repression." Many children are able to forget about the abuse, even as the abuse is happening to them. The capacity to forget explains why so many adult survivors are unaware of the fact that they were abused.

Splitting

"Clinically, splitting refers to the tendency to view people or events as either all good or all bad. It is a way of coping that allows a person to hold opposite, unintegrated views. For example, the child who separates the father whom she depends on for love and protection from the father who abuses her." This allows you to preserve an image of the "good" father, but at a great cost. You are left identifying yourself as "bad" in order to make sense of the abuse.

Splitting can also mean the way a sexual survivor describes the way in which one leaves one's body as the abuse is occurring. This is something I did every time I was sexually abused, for as the abuse was occurring it always seemed as if it was movie, or was happening to someone else who just looked like me, but was me at all.

Control

Many survivors have a problem with control. One either needs complete control or has a lack of control, but commonly since one grew up in a chaotic environment that one attempts to control or have order in one's life. For me, the one thing that will always trigger a panic attack is the fear that I have no control. Yet, the ability to have control is both a positive and a negative.

Chaos

Surprisingly enough some survivors learned to have control by creating chaos. "If your behavior is out of control, you force the people around you to drop what they are doing to respond to your latest problems." You learn that you can get attention by creating a crisis, and yet it is negative attention that you are receiving. Most survivors and children of alcoholic parents are good at both resolving and generating crises. I am no different, and sometimes feel that I thrive in chaotic environments best. (Currently, hold a job that is fast paced, and very chaotic at times.)

Spacing Out

All survivors may have the uncanny ability to space out, to not be present. The main problem with this kind of distancing is that you can cut yourself off, not only from the pain, but from the richness of life and human feelings. For myself, I had cut off my emotions, feeling nothing, and not knowing how to react to any situation with any kind of real emotions. At the beginning stages of my healing as I was just beginning to feel, I would mirror the emotions of those around me, since I didn't know what feelings were and always tried to react in ways that were expected of me, but never truly feeling them. This is still something that plagues me from time to time, especially in regards to anger, an emotion that I fear since it seems so uncontrollable. Feelings are an important part of life, for they can act as warnings, as triggers to whatever situation that is occurring in our life.

Being Super Alert

As a child, tuning into every nuance of your environment may have saved you from being abused. You may have always known where you were in a room, which was around you, knowing where the entrance and exits were, knowing what mood the people around you were in. This can be asset, but the constant alertness can be taxing, and everyone needs to relax sometime.

For myself as a child, I was good at this, knowing what those around me might want even before they asked or moved for it. A number of those in family believed I was always being helpful, and yet, in reality I was trying to head off any problems that may be occurring before they had a chance to happen. It left me with having a hard time relaxing, of knowing even how to relax.

Humor

A tough sense of humor, a bitter wit or a sense of cynicism can get you through the hard times. You may have used laughter as a protected shield, knowing that as long as you can laugh then nothing is truly bothering you. When in reality, the opposite was probably the truth.

Busyness

A behavior I still possess very much today, for when I am under emotional stress, I am always doing something, keeping myself busy, instead of feeling. Survivors use busyness to avoid feelings and to avoid being present.

Escape

Another way to cope with the abuse is to escape. You may have tried to run away either literally, or by reading books. You may have escaped reality by entering into a fantasy, either creating one or consuming a lot of books. For myself I was very much a avid reader, using books to leave my own reality and enter someone else�s.

Self-Mutilation

"Self-mutilation is one way survivors control their experience of pain. Instead of the abuser hurting you, you hurt yourself."

In the end, the child developed whatever skills the child needed to survive. The child had limited skills, limited resources, and yet, the child adapted, finding ways to cope in a dangerous environment. Some of the skills the child developed were positive as well as negative. Considering the environment in which the child was in, it is a wonder the child may have learned to thrive at all, but you did! You did what you had to do to survived! Feel proud of how you survived, and honor the child you were!

Have you ever wondered if you were normal or not, or asked yourself the question, �am I normal?� If so, then you�ve spent your time seeking something that doesn�t exist. The term �normal� consist of a broad range of behaviors. Essentially, the term �normal� references to what a group may think is normal, or an individual, whence in other terms, what is considered normal is determined by who is stating what is normal. Simply put what one person or one group states is normal behavior may not be normal behavior for another person or group. Thus, why should one spend their time seeking what is normal, when in reality the whole concept of being normal needs to be forgotten. The term and question is a useless one that will just leave someone spinning their wheels but not actually getting anywhere. In reality, the question one needs to be asking is what is functional and what is dysfunctional, and do you know the difference between the two.

For those of us who have survived child abuse from our caretakers have ample examples of dysfunctional, but still that doesn�t mean that we can tell the difference between functional and dysfunctional. Yet, the search to learn what is functional is much more productive then seeking what is normal. For any behavior that is functional, in the end can be what is normal for the individual. Yet, how can one know the difference between the two?

A constructive question to ask yourself to determine what is functional and what isn�t, is to ask the following questions:

# Will it work to get the job done?
# Will it hurt me?
# Will it hurt others?
# Is it practical?

For example, suppose you had been out drinking and was debiting on driving yourself home. Ask yourself the above questions. The first question is yes, since driving yourself even though you have been drinking will still get the job done, but when asked the other questions, two of them being yes, and one no, leaves the activity as being dysfunctional. a functional activity will still get the task done, but will not hurt yourself or others, and will be practical.

The other things that someone can do when faced with a difficult situation is to ask the advice of someone you trust, to trust yourself, and your instincts, or read more about it, research the problem and different solutions of others. In the end, a functional behavior is one that is functional to you, hurts no one else including yourself, and gets the task done.

Forget the term �normal�. The whole concept is crippling and harmful. If you remember nothing else from this short piece, remember that what works for you is normal for you as long as it hurts no one including yourself. Stop comparing yourself to others. We are all unique individuals with the ability to make our own decisions and discover what is functional for ourselves.

As a survivor of child abuse, when asked, "What are you feeling" or when your upset and asked "What's wrong?" Do you stare blankly at the person unsure of what the person is asking of you? Unsure of how to tell the person what you are feeling, unable to label the feeling, and to express it to them. If so, then you are not alone. Every person has feelings, whether you�re aware of them or not. Feelings arise in response to whatever is occurring in our lives. They are a natural response, but we may find ourselves not always having the ability to recognize or understand them.

Lately, I have been discovering that this is a main factor in my life. I found myself on emotional roller coaster ride. At time I am not positive of the cause or really what I am feeling, and find myself when asked "what is wrong" responding with familiar and safe comments. I know that the underlining factor is the changing family structure within my household. I have a teenager daughter who is beginning to demand her independence and wants to begin to date, which is a triggering source for me. Even though I know this is natural, that my daughter has a right to begin to have a life outside of the family unit I am riddled with insecure, fears, and overwhelming sadness. Slowly, I am beginning to understand them and deal with them, but many times I feel so behind the curve. I feel as though the stuff I shouldn't of already known isn't there. For in my childhood feelings of love and trust were betrayed, feelings of hurt and anger were dismissed. My pain was minimized and denied by those who cared for me. I find myself struggling to label what I am feeling much less dealing with them.

As a child we reflect our emotions off those who cared for is and when we are unable to do this, then we learn other ways to deal with feelings and to label them. Sometimes we may not even have the ability to know what we feel. For myself, I find this to be true, and find myself unable to explain what I feel to myself much less to someone else. Yet, feelings are a necessary part of life. We all need feelings. They are insights and warnings to responses to a particular situation. Yet, within the same breathe they can be overwhelming and confusing.

"Feelings are a package deal." Once the floodgates are opened, there is no closing them. One needs to learn how to accept them without judgment, experience them, work with them, and learn from them.

Getting in touch with ones bodily functions or reactions to feelings is another big step for most survivors. I know for myself that in order to function and to survive I would not acknowledge what my body was telling me. Yet, each feeling as a reaction within our bodies, like a tightening in the stomach, trembling in the hands, labored breathing, tears in the eyes, tightening in the throat, etc. If you have ignored your body for a long time tuning in to these emotional reactions may be difficult and overwhelming. One needs to begin to teach them what bodily signals we are being given, and label them to the feelings we have. For most survivors, myself included I have spent a lot of time and energy to be one step ahead of my emotions, or suppressing them, not acknowledging that they even exists. We may quickly label them with feelings that we are comfortable with, such as when one is beginning to feel happy we slide into anxiety, when feeling anger we slide into self hatred, and yet, there is an underlining feeling that we are running from.

As a child we were unable to say that we hatred our fathers, mothers, care takers or siblings. Instead of directing our anger or acknowledge that it was okay to feel the way we did, we turned it inward, blaming ourselves. We could find dozens of reasons to hate ourselves, to blame ourselves, for as child it was difficult to place the blame and the anger at the source. If you find yourself turning anger into self hate, then one must explore the underlining reasons, the feelings underneath the self hate for it has become a habit and not the truth.

The journey isn't an easy one. It is a path that I am walking on myself, and yet each day I try to learn about myself, exploring my feelings and learning about them. To look underneath my instinct self-blame and self-hate to see the true feelings that I am feeling. In this life, feelings are a natural response and an important part of life.

Panic occurs when you become frightened of your own emotions and lack the skills to calm yourself down or when you�re trying like to suppress feelings or memories. Even though it seems that panic attacks come out of the blue there is always an underlined trigger. During the attack you may not realized the connections but they are there. All you know during the panic is that you are feeling out of control.

The first step when you are beginning to feel a panic attack is to breathe. Often times the first reaction is to quickly run away from the scared feeling, but this frenzy need to escape increases the attack. Instead, try to reassure yourself that it is just a powerful feeling and don�t rush into action. Expressing the feelings when you are extremely frightened can free you from the free, but the most effective way to deal with panic is to catch it early. Once the panic runs out control it is more difficult to stop.

The important thing in calming down is to do whatever works for you, even if it seems embarrassing or silly. Through trial and error you can discover what assist you in calming down. Try comfort things and write up a list, keeping it handy so that when an attack begins you can use your comfort things to calm yourself down.

For more suggestions and help with panic attacks check out these links:

* The Anxiety Panic Internet Resource: http://www.algy.com/anxiety/
* Panic and Anxiety Disorders: http://panicdisorder.about.com/
* Breathing Exercises: http://panicdisorder.about.com/cs/shbreathing/
* Panic Disorders: http://panicdisorder.about.com/cs/panicdisorder/
* Anxiety and Panic Hub: http://www.paems.com.au/
* APA Panic Disorders: http://www.apa.org/pubinfo/panic.html

A panic attack is a sudden surge of overwhelming fear that comes without warning and without any obvious reason. It is far more intense than the feeling of being 'stressed out' that most people experience. Symptoms of a panic attack include:
� racing heartbeat
� difficulty breathing, feeling as though you 'can't get enough air'
� terror that is almost paralyzing
� dizziness, lightheadedness or nausea
� trembling, sweating, shaking
� choking, chest pains
� hot flashes, or sudden chills
� tingling in fingers or toes ('pins and needles')
� fear that you're going to go crazy or are about to die
Source of the above information is: APA Panic Disorders: http://www.apa.org/pubinfo/panic.html

Definition of shame as per Webster dictionary: "A painful sense of guilt or degradation caused by consciousness of guilt, or anything degrading, unworthy, or immodest." Webster's New Universal Unabridged Dictionary defines shame as "the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, and ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another." And yes, it is a painful feeling, and is very common among survivors of abuse.

Guilt is an emotion and a legal concept that belongs to the perpetrator, the initiator of an act of abuse.  Shame is an emotion that afflicts the victim, the recipient of an act of abuse. Both men and women deal with shame, but experts believe that in general, among abuse survivors, women tend to feel more guilt, and men tend to feel more shame.

Thus, does that not imply the guilt one feels, or accepts due to a traumatic even, or repeated events stems from a sense of humiliation, degradation, or immodesty of what one has suffered? Is not shame (guilt) a warped sense of failed responsibility for something one has not meet expectations of? In an essence what sense of shame drives one to accept that which is not one's to have, where one bares no responsibility too, yet has accepted it has their own? Is it not this impression, this programming that pleads one to repeating say, "they are sorry" for things they had no control of, nor possible even a place in the situation to begin with? Is it not related to the dysfunctional environment I was raised in? an environment where whose who probably truly should of bore the responsibility, the failure, the shame, the guilt could not for what ever reasons, and in their place I stepped up to the plate. Is it not implied due to my caregiver�s denial and their refusal that triggered my warped sense of what I was responsible for? What fault within me, allowed me to do so, to readily step into this role, yet I feel the frustration and the anger at being forced to play this role of responsibility at such a young age, feeling old before my time, thus the guilt of failing at an imagery role, the sense of shame at the necessary skills to be able to perform them. Is not this not the root of some of my anger toward myself and others? Is it not, what I resent so badly? I wonder, if I shall forever grieve for the childhood that never was, and yet at the same time, forever accept responsibility for it. 
 
Guilt is a simple debriefing and rehearsal process that the mind engages in after perceiving that something negative has taken place and has caused painful and/or anxious feelings. One's mind goes over and over the something negative and the painful/anxious feelings and forces us to again and again review what happened. This is NOT necessarily a completely negative thing to happen. It doesn't feel good -- true.

The feelings it brings up again and again are very uncomfortable, but again and again it comes to mind. This goes on for several hours, perhaps off and on for days or weeks or even over months.

Sometimes, though, self punishment beyond guilt feelings can hurt. To the extent that the punishment overloads the mind with negative feeling, any learning from the experience is clouded or lost. The only things really punished when punishment is too harsh are self-respect and awareness. Decreasing self-respect will make one more likely to not care about danger. Decreasing awareness is the same as decreasing one's intelligence. It isn't smart to make one's self dumber by being hostile to self.

Preferences can differ, but it�s advisable to clarify what you should feel guilty about -- or if you should feel guilty at all -- as early in the guilt experience as possible. An excellent though not foolproof check on whether you believe you should feel guilt feelings is to ask yourself how you would see the situation if it were a friend in your situation and you were in the situation of support. If you are expecting more of yourself or harder on yourself than you would advocate that a friend should be, ask yourself why.

As survivors of child abuse we may feel guilt about what happened to us as a child, however we have nothing to feel guilty about. We did nothing wrong, wrong was done to us. Feeling guilty about the abuse or about what had happened is just another way that we continue to punish ourselves for something we no longer need to be punished for.

When guilt feelings are way out of line with logic but they don't seem to go away or diminish, it can be a very frustrating, negative experience. This situation is uncomfortable in itself but it also often can corrode self-esteem, motivation, productivity and health. It can be a cause of depression and self sabotaging behaviors. One can feel increasingly helpless, hostile to self and hopeless.

Allow yourself to let go of guilt, and I know it is easier said then done, but it must be done to continue to move forward.

Emotional Wound - The physical act, whatever it may have been, was done by the prep to give himself a feeling of power, and to give you a feeling of powerlessness. The act was carefully chosen by the perp, thinking like a torturer, to give you the most emotional pain. So when dealing with shame, don't think in terms of healing your physical wounds. You must think of it in emotional terms, and analyze what your emotional wounds are. For your emotional wounds, you have to see a therapist. Many people resist this step, but it is no stranger than seeing a doctor for your bruises or cuts, and is every bit as important.

Powerlessness - The powerlessness, the fear, the shock of the abuse is behind your feeling of shame. Even if you know the perp is guilty, that doesn't necessarily affect your feelings of shame. You need to realize that the perpetrator worked very hard to ensure that he had all of the power, and you had none. The thing to remember is that no matter what the specifics are, the perpetrator has taken enormous pains to make sure that this is not a fair fight; that all of the advantages are his, and you have none at all. It is not fair for you to feel that you "should" have been able to do something to stop it. The perpetrator made sure you couldn't. In those circumstances, almost nobody could have. The abuse happened because the perpetrator planned it carefully, and was never, never fair. It's not because you were weak, or cowardly, or stupid.

Guilt is:
* Feeling of responsibility for negative circumstances that have befallen yourself or others. 
* Feeling of regret for your real or imagined misdeeds, both past and present. 
* Sense of remorse for thoughts, feelings, or attitudes that were or are negative, uncomplimentary, or non-accepting concerning yourself or others. 
* Feeling of obligation for not pleasing, not helping, or not placating another. 
* Feeling of bewilderment and lack of balance for not responding to a situation in your typical, stereotype manner. 
* Feeling of loss and shame for not having done or said something to someone who is no longer available to you. 
* Accepting of responsibility for someone else's misfortune or problem because it bothers you to see that person suffer. 
* Motivator to amend all real or perceived wrongs. 
* Strong moral sense of right and wrong that inhibits you from choosing a ``wrong'' course of action; however, you assign your own definitions to the words. 
* Driving force or mask behind which irrational beliefs hide.

Guilt can:

* Make you become over responsible, striving to make life ``right.'' You overwork. You over give of yourself. You are willing to do anything in your attempt to make everyone happy. 
* Make you over conscientious. You fret over every action you take as to its possible negative consequence to others, even if this means that you must ignore your needs and wants. 
* Make you over sensitive. You see decisions about right and wrong in every aspect of your life and become obsessed with the tenuous nature of all of your personal actions, words, and decisions. You are sensitive to the cues of others where any implication of your wrong doing is intimated. 
* Immobilize you. You can become so overcome by the fear of doing, acting, saying, or being ``wrong'' that you eventually collapse, give in, and choose inactivity, silence, and the status quo. 
* Interfere in your decision making. It is so important to always be "right'' in your decisions that you become unable to make a decision lest it be a wrong one. 
* Be hidden by the mask of self denial. Because it is less guilt inducing to take care of others first, instead of yourself, you hide behind the mask of self denial. You honestly believe it is better to serve others first, unaware that "guilt'' is the motivator for such "generous'' behavior. 
* Make you ignore the full array of emotions and feelings available to you. Overcome by guilt or the fear of it, you can become emotionally blocked or closed off. You are able neither to enjoy the positive fruits of life nor experience the negative aspects. 
* Be a motivator to change. Because you feel guilt and the discomfort it brings, you can use it as a barometer of the need to change things in your life and rid yourself of the guilt. 
* Be a mask for negative self belief. You may actually have low self-esteem, but claim the reason for your negativity is the overwhelming sense of guilt you experience. 
* Mislead or misdirect you. Because many irrational beliefs lie behind guilt, you may be unable to sort out your feelings. It is important to be objective with yourself when you are experiencing guilt; be sure that your decisions are based on sound, rational thinking.

Panic disorder is another type of anxiety. It occurs when you have repeated periods of extreme panic, called panic attacks.

Suppose one day you're getting out of your car to go to work. Suddenly, your chest feels tight. Your heart races. You begin to feel dizzy and faint. You start to choke. You feel as if the end is near. Was it all in your head? No. Most likely, you had a panic attack.

Panic attacks last about 5 to 30 minutes and may include any of the symptoms listed in the box below. Panic attacks can lead to phobias if they aren't treated.

Panic attack symptoms
    * Feeling like you're going to choke
    * Chest pressure or chest pain
    * Pounding heart
    * Racing pulse
    * Dizziness or lightheadedness
    * Shortness of breath or tightness in the throat
    * Sweating
    * Trembling or shaking
    * Nausea
    * Tingling or numbness in the hands or feet
    * Hot flashes or chills
    * Sense of unreality or dreamlike sensations
    * Fear of losing control, doing something embarrassing, going "crazy" or dying

Step 1: You can recognize the role guilt is playing in your life by choosing a current problem and answering the following questions in your journal:
a .    What problem is currently troubling me? 
b .   Who is responsible for the problem? 
c .    Whose problem is it, really? 
d .   What did I do to make this problem worse for myself? 
e .    How much guilt do I feel about this problem? 
f .    How much does the guilt I experience exaggerate or exacerbate my problem? 
g .    If I felt no more guilt what would my problem look like then?

If the answer to question ``g'' is that your problem can be solved by reducing guilt, go to Step 2.

Step 2:   Redefine your problem with the absence of guilt as an issue.

* How insurmountable is the problem? 
* Is this problem an interpersonal or interpersonal problem?
* If it is interpersonal: Can I help the other person and myself to set aside guilt and resolve this problem? 
* If it is interpersonal: Can I set aside guilt or the fear of it and resolve this problem? 
* Does this problem have more than one solution? Can others and myself experience satisfaction, comfort, and resolution with a minimum of debilitating guilt? 
* Whose problem is it, really?
* Is it my problem or another(s)? 
* Am I taking on another's responsibility? 
* Am I trying to keep another from experiencing pain, hardship, or discomfort?

Step 3:  If the problem is really someone else's, give the problem back to the person(s) to solve and to deal with.

If the problem is yours, go to Step 4.

Step 4:   You must confront the real or imagined guilt or fear of guilt preventing you from either handing the problem back to the person(s) whose problem it really is (Step 3) or from handling the problem on your own. Consider the following: 
a .    What fears are blocking me at this moment from taking the steps I need to resolve this problem? 
b .   What are the irrational beliefs behind these fears? 
c .    Refute the irrational beliefs using the steps given in the ``Handling Irrational Beliefs'' section two in Tools for Personal Growth. 
d .   Initiate a program of self-affirmation as presented in the "Self-Affirmations'' section 3 in Tools for Personal Growth.. 
e .    Use an imagery scenario with ``guilt'' as an object you packaged in a nice box. It is brought to a mountain top and thrown off a cliff for good. 
f .    Affirm for yourself that: 
         You deserve to solve this problem.  
          You deserve to be good to yourself 
          You deserve to have others be good to you, too!

Everyday we are faced with problems, and usually within that day we are confronted by someone that we feel anger towards. It could be a co-worker, a sibling or maybe a perfect stranger.

When put in a compromising position, one must remember to keep his cool. If not, you can cause yourself more problems. In the work place, it is difficult to maintain sometimes because of the high level of stress already present. But in order to keep your job you must maintain a professional manor, even when you are very angry.

Counting to ten usually doesn't work, arguing back or trying to explain your side at the time of the argument doesn't work either. During an argument nothing said is ever really heard, your emotions are to high, and no matter what your going to think you right, same with the other person, which would explain the high tension.

Time outs may seem childish, but they are the only way to organize your thoughts. Walking away from the argument for ten to fifteen minutes just for some quiet to really clear your head is a healthy way to deal with your anger. It can give you the chance to think rationally, and if you have to talk to this person again you will be able to talk and listen a lot better.

Perfect stranger can really get under your skin when in a heated argument. And one always wants to get over on the other. We know this gets us no where. Don't give the other person the satisfaction by stooping to their level of annoyance. Turn around take your time off and forget them. Easier said than done. Imagery is a great way to forget about that annoying person. Picture somewhere you would rather be, someone you'd rather be with. Anything to make you relax.

A final idea for dealing with your anger is exercise, when tense with anger nothing gets that tension out faster than a work out. If available, go punch the punching bag for a while, or do a vigorous work out. If time does not permit, take a nice ten minute walk, you will be amazed how much better you feel when you return. Exercise is a great way to deal with stress, and should be a part of your everyday routine.

* Emotional and physical space between you and another person.
* Demarcation of where you end and another begins and where you begin and another ends.
* Limit or line over which you will not allow anyone to cross because of the negative impact of its being crossed in the past.
* Established set of limits over your physical and emotional well-being which you expect others to respect in their relationship with you.
* Emotional and physical space you need in order to be the real you without the pressure from others to be something that you are not.
* Emotional and/or physical perimeter of your life which is or has been violated when you were emotionally, verbally, physically, and/or sexually abused.
* Healthy emotional and physical distance you can maintain between you and another so that you do not become overly enmeshed and/or dependent.
* Appropriate amount of emotional and physical closeness you need to maintain so that you and another do not become too detached and/or overly independent.
* Balanced emotional and physical limits set on interacting with another so that you can achieve an interdependent relationship of independent beings who do not lose their personal identity, uniqueness, and autonomy in the process.
* Clearly defined limits within which you are free to be yourself with no restrictions placed on you by others as to how to think, feel, or act.
* Set of parameters which make you a unique, autonomous and free individual who has the freedom to be a creative, original, idiosyncratic problem solver.

* Over Enmeshment This symptom requires everyone to follow the rule that everyone must do everything together and that everyone is to think, feel, and act in the same way. No one is allowed to deviate from the family or group norms. Everyone looks homogeneous. Uniqueness, autonomy and idiosyncratic behaviors are viewed as deviations from the norm. 
* Disassociation This symptom involves blanking out during a stressful emotional event. You feel your physical and/or emotional space being violated and you tell yourself something like: "It doesn't matter.'' "Ignore it and it will go away soon enough.'' "No sense in fighting it, just hang on and it will be over soon.'' "Don't put up a struggle or else it will be worse for you.'' This blanking out results in your being out of touch with your feelings about what happened. It also may result in your inability to remember what happened.
* Excessive Detachment This symptom occurs when neither you nor anyone else in the group or family is able to establish any fusion of emotions or affiliation of feelings. Everyone is totally independent from everyone else and there doesn't seem to be anything to hold you and them together in healthy union. You and they seem to lack a common purpose, goal, identity, or rationale for existing together. There is a seeming lack of desire from you and the other members to draw together to form a union because you fear loss of personal identity.
* Victimhood or Martyrdom In this symptom, you identify yourself as a violated victim and become overly defensive to ward off further violation. Or it can be that once you accept your victimization you continue to be knowingly victimized and then let others know of your martyrdom.
* Chip on the Shoulder This symptom is reflected in your interactions with others. Because of your anger over past violation of your emotional and/or physical space and the real or perceived ignoring of your rights by others, you have a "chip on your shoulder'' that declares "I dare you to come too close!''
* Invisibility This symptom involves your pulling in or over controlling so that others even yourself never know how you are really feeling or what you are really thinking. Your goal is not to be seen or heard so that your boundaries are not violated. 
* Aloofness or Shyness This symptom is a result of your insecurity from real or perceived experiences of being ignored, roved, or rejected in the past. This feels like a violation of your efforts to expand or stretch your boundaries to include others in your space. Once rejected you take the defensive posture to reject others before they reject you. This keeps you inward and unwilling or fearful of opening up your space to others.
* Cold and Distant This symptom builds walls or barriers to insure that others do not permeate or invade your emotional or physical space. This too can be a defense, due to previous hurt and pain, from being violated, hurt, ignored or rejected. This stance is your declaration that "I've drawn the line over which I dare you to cross.'' It is a way to keep others out and put them off.
* Smothering This symptom results when another is overly solicitous of your needs and interests. This cloying interest is overly intrusive into your emotional and physical space. It can be so overwhelming that you feel like you are being strangled, held too tightly and lack freedom to breathe on your own. You feel violated, used, and overwhelmed.
* Lack of Privacy this symptom is present when you feel that nothing you think, feel, or do is your own business. You are expected to report to others in your family or group all the detail and content of your feelings, reactions, opinions, relationships and dealings with the outside world. You begin to feel that nothing you experience can be kept in the privacy of your own domain. You begin to believe you don't have a private domain or your own space into which you can escape to be your own person.

These are just a few examples of unhealthy thoughts or beliefs which allow boundaries to be ignored or violated. Following each unhealthy belief is a more healthy, rational, realistic, reality-based affirmation for healthy boundary building.

Unhealthy: I can never say "no'' to others. Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to say "no'' to others if it is an invasion of my space or a violation of my rights.

Unhealthy: It is my duty to hold them together. Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to take care of myself. If they want to stay together as a family or group, it is up to each individual to make such a decision. They all have equal responsibility to create the interdependency needed to keep us a united group.

Unhealthy: I can never trust anyone again. Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to take the risk to grow in my relationships with others. If I find my space or rights are being violated or ignored, I can assertively protect myself to ensure I am not hurt.

Unhealthy: I would feel guilty if I did something on my own and left my family or group out of it. Healthy Boundary Builder: I have the right and need to do things which are uniquely mine so that I do not become so overly enmeshed with others that I lose my identity.

Unhealthy: I should do everything I can to spend as much time together with you or else we won't be a healthy family or group. Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right and a need to explore my own interests, hobbies, and outlets so that I can bring back to this family or group my unique personality to enrich our lives rather than be lost in a closed and over enmeshed system.

Unhealthy: It doesn't matter what they are doing to me. As long as I keep quiet and don't complain, they will eventually leave me alone. Healthy Boundary Builder: I will never again allow my space and rights to be violated. I will stand up for myself and assert my rights to be respected and not hurt or violated. If they choose to ignore me, then I have the right to leave them or ask them to get out of my life.

Unhealthy: As long as I am not seen or heard, I won't be violated or hurt. Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to be visible and to be seen and heard. I will stand up for myself so that others can learn to respect my rights, my needs, and not violate my space.

Unhealthy: I'd rather not pay attention to what is happening to me in this relationship which is overly intrusive, smothering and violating my privacy. In this way I don't have to feel the pain and hurt that comes from such a violation. Healthy Boundary Builder: I choose no longer to disassociate from my feelings when I am being treated in a negatively painful way so that I can be aware of what is happening to me and assertively protect myself from further violation or hurt.

Unhealthy: I've been hurt badly in the past and I will never let anyone in close enough to hurt me again. Healthy Boundary Builder: I do not need to be cold and distant or aloof and shy as protective tools to avoid being hurt. I choose to open myself up to others trusting that I will be assertive to protect my rights and privacy from being violated.

Unhealthy: I can never tell where to draw the line with others. Healthy Boundary Builder: There is a line I have drawn over which I do not allow others to cross. This line ensures me my uniqueness, autonomy, and privacy. I am able to be me the way I really am rather than the way people want me to be by drawing this line. By this line I let others know: this is who I am and where I begin and you end; this is who you are and where you begin and I end; we will never cross over this line so that we can maintain a healthy relationship with one another.

In order to establish healthy boundaries between yourself and others, you need to:

* First: Identify the symptoms of your boundaries currently being or having been violated or ignored.
* Second: Identify the irrational or unhealthy thinking and beliefs by which you allow your boundaries to be ignored or violated
* Third: Identify new, more rational, healthy thinking and beliefs which will encourage you to change your behaviors so that you build healthy boundaries between you and others.
* Fourth: Identify new behaviors you need to add to your healthy boundary building behaviors repertoire in order to sustain healthy boundaries between you and others.
* Fifth: Implement the healthy boundary building beliefs and behaviors in your life so that your space, privacy, and rights are no longer ignored or violated.

In healthy families, each member has distinct boundaries, both physical and psychological. The physical boundaries include the body and material possessions. The psychological boundaries though invisible, include a sense "self" as being separate from another person and territorial boundaries such as the immediate space around one's body. These psychological boundaries develop as a child gains awareness of their physical boundaries. In healthy families each member is aware that they are distinct from one another. A child learns about thier boundaries depending on how these are defined and honored. However, in families of abuse, the child is never certain of these boundaries and they keep changing.  There was little respect for your personal boundaries or belongings. Your parents might have sold, thrown out, or given away your personal belongings without regard to how you felt about it or without your knowledge. Being treated in this fashion, may have left you with an unstable sense of identity, an uncertainty as to where to drawn the line between yourself and others.

In my own family, I lacked a clear sense of my boundaries. My physical boundaries were ignored each time my stepfather touched me. He held little concern about how I felt about what he was doing for what was important to him was how he felt and what he needed. However, my lack of boundaries began very little in my life for I had been a very little child and my boundaries had been invaded by doctor's treating, at the time I had little understanding of what they were doing to me. I might have been able to bounce back, and learn to have a sense of boundaries, but having already learned that I had no control over body that when my stepfather began sexually molesting at the age of three one lead into the other. I had no clear understanding of physical boundaries and as for my belongings, I had been forced to share whatever I had with my siblings, which had again reinforced my feelings that I had no real boundaries that not matter what I felt was mine, was never mine. As a child I became enmeshed with those in family. I developed no real sense of who I was, and only saw myself as an extension of what they needed and wanted, that no real needs or wants of my own existed or were important.

This has been a struggle for me to develop a clear sense of boundaries, of establish that I do have needs and wants and that I have a right to have them meet. I feel that this will be an area that I will continue to struggle with for some time, but I am learning, learning that I do have rights and that my boundaries are important.

Many of the signs to the left, can and could be used to describe me at varying points in my life, and this is an area that I continue to work on. At times, I know that I fall back upon old behaviors and old boundaries.

Unhealthy: I can never say "no'' to others.

For the longest time I believed that I had no right to say no, but then again, in my childhood I had been taught that even when I said no, it was often unheard or ignored. I had learned that even to say no, meant yes to those around me. It has been difficult learning that I can tell others no, without hurting their feelings or losing them in some way. At times I still struggle with this.

Unhealthy: It is my duty to hold them together.

As a child and not so much as an adult, I believed it was up to me to keep the family together and felt that if I didn't make everyone happy that things would fall apart.
Unhealthy: I can never trust anyone again.

Again, this is an area I struggle with for when I am troubled or worried, I have a hard time opening up to those closest to me, believing that it is my problem and up to me to solve the problem without asking or talking to them, which has caused problems in my relationship with my spouse at times, but I am trying to be more open and to talk to him when things bother me, only it isn't easy for me do that.

Unhealthy: I would feel guilty if I did something on my own and left my family or group out of it.
I have got a lot better at this, and now do take time for myself and do things that I want to do, knowing that it is important to take care of me.
Unhealthy: I should do everything I can to spend as much time together with you or else we won't be a healthy family or group.

Currently, this has never been a strong factor in my life, since both myself and my spouse have never been on the same schedules such as for work and such, thus when we are together which is mainly one day a week it is family time.
Unhealthy: It doesn't matter what they are doing to me. As long as I keep quiet and don't complain, they will eventually leave me alone.

As a child this was a strong factor in life, and one that could have described me perfectly, for I was not one to complain or say anything about what was happening to me or what was going on, until at the age of 15, I basically had an emotional breakdown. Sometimes, even now, this can play a role in my life, for I struggle with voicing my needs and wants.
Unhealthy: As long as I am not seen or heard, I won't be violated or hurt.
As a child, I yearned to be invisible, to never be seen or heard, which at times plays a role in my adult life, since I do not like being a center of attention and sometimes will suffer in silences before voicing my concerns or worries, feeling that it is better to say nothing then to be critized or teased for saying the wrong thing.

My boundaries are not prefect but it is an area that I continue to work and develop.

The following list consists of ten different steps to take that will help you to raise your self-esteem. For all those times you need to feel good about yourself, using these methods will help you take control of the way you feel about yourself. Your greatest victory will come in knowing that it�s not the way others perceive you, but rather its the way that you perceive yourself, which can make all the difference.

Step Number One: Remember that without risk, there is no progress. If you never try anything new, you will never know anything different about yourself. Learn to be a risk-taker with some aspects of your life. And by taking a class, or learning something new, you�ll discover new things about yourself.

Step Number Two: Imagine your goals are achieved. Of course, most of us rarely accomplish all the goals that were set for ourselves. But if you want to own a home, start a business, have children, or travel- whatever your goal may be, you can visualize it and at some point, it helps the dream to become reality.

Step Number Three: Start a Victory Wall of accomplishments. Along the way, we all have moments in our lives that we cherish and want to remember. Whether it was a childhood blue ribbon, a photograph of a special time or place, or a memento or an award that we received, we can all use a boost from showcasing our triumphs and achievements. These can be displayed on a bulletin board or by using a wall of photos.

Step Number Four: Remember to thank people who are helpful to you. You will feel better about yourself if you give other people strokes for their accomplishments too. Whether it is your child or someone else�s, a friend who needs a boost, or someone you admire or perhaps has helped you in some way, you will learn that by boosting morale in others it is an important boost for you as well. It says good things about you if you are able to acknowledge strengths and triumphs in those around you.

Step Number Five: Make your bedtime a happy, quiet time. We all must deal with chaos around us at some or all moments of our day. But everyone should make an effort to set aside some part of the evening for him or herself. You must learn to create a haven around you, to nurture yourself, and to treat yourself well. After all, if you don�t create a sense of calm about you, then who will?

Step Number Six: Outline your personal goals. Keep your personal goals on index cards, or use a similar system to list exactly what it is you want to do with your life. This can be easily updated and changed on a frequent basis. Our lives are constantly in a state of change, so our goals will experience similar changes.

Step Number Seven: Simplify your life. When you learn to un-clutter your living space, you may sometimes find that you can prioritize other things in your life as well. You may be clinging to something that reminds you of the past. But if you learn to let go of material objects, you may find that the only thing that was holding you back was....you!

Step Number Eight: Don�t give up! Sometimes we goof up, make mistakes, become embarrassed, or confused in front of other people. And then....so what? Most people feel the same way. It�s a rare person who never suffers from a blooper or a social mishap. The best thing to do is to persevere when we start something. Maybe we won�t like it once we are finished, but well still feel better about ourselves for having finished it and followed through on a commitment.

Step Number Nine: You may need to renegotiate some broken agreements. If the past is stopping you from doing some of the things that you would like to do, then you may need to come to terms with a problem before moving ahead. Think about a broken promise or commitment that you may need to re-work. Or perhaps there is a simple phone call that you need to make. In any case, remember to adjust your outlook. Sometimes things don�t work out as we would like, but we can learn to control our feelings and adjust our outlook accordingly. We can�t control other people or events, but by learning to change our outlook-the outcome of any situation may turn out better than we had ever imagined.

Step Number Ten: Remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said, No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent. You need to become your best friend and biggest fan. Everyone needs a cheerleader, and if you don�t happen to have one, then do it yourself! Talk yourself up.

When someone says something negative or discouraging about you, try to look at the remark in a different light. If there is a grain of truth in the remark, take the advice that it conveys. And try to look past the criticism to understand why the person would offer it. Perhaps its completely unfounded, and in that case, you need to realize other people have hang-ups and motives that keep them from realizing their potential as well.

Well, there you have it. A list of ten simple ways to help you achieve your goals. Use this list to start building your self-esteem and you�ll soon discover that you have a new best friend-YOU!

What is self acceptance? What does it mean to you? How do you feel about your self? Do you still judge yourself by the opinions of others? Do you seek others approval and hold them above yourself? Do you accept who you are?

Self-acceptance is about developing an understanding and pure awareness of who we are. To let go of tension without effort you must first become aware of this tension and then accept it. Through this acceptance the tension will fade away.

Authentic Self

When you're asked, "Who are you?" what is your answer? "I'm a mom." "I'm a doctor." "I live in Ohio." Often the answer is not who you are, but what you do, what your social station is, or how you see your function in life. You can't answer who you are, because you don't know. The "authentic" self is the you that can be found at your absolute core. It is the part of you not defined by your job, function or role. It is the composite of all your skills, talents and wisdom. It is all of the things that are uniquely yours and need expression, rather than what you believe you are supposed to be and do. accept

Self Acceptance may seem impossible if not difficult at times, however it is something that along the healing journey is continuously touched upon and is I believe an essential goal, for are we all not striving toward that? Are we not looking to like and love ourselves? Many factors come into play to reach this point, and to find happiness for one selves and there exist no magical wand to make it possible, but it is an important factor along the journey. It is wrapped into all the hard work one does to discover who they are, and to accept that person is probably the ending goal.

By increasing your self esteem right now you will be happier and have more confidence in your abilities. And those who appear confident others will trust. When others trust you your career will improve and your relationships with others will improve. Now's the time to begin to raise your self confidence.

First grab a pencil and a couple pieces of paper. Consider some things about yourself. As you honestly write the answers down and you will begin to see what a wonderful person you are.

To begin make a list of your talents. Some of the first things many people think of are artistic talents, like drawing, painting, playing music, singing, dancing etc. Other areas include cooking, running, writing, decorating, getting things done on time. And then what about your relationships with people? Are you a good listener? Do you always know what someone else actually means even though they don�t say it perfectly? Do you know how to give good compliments? Can you be honest with people while still taking their feeling in to consideration? Come up with at least ten talents that you have. And here is a hint: talents aren�t something that you do better then everybody else, they are just something that just kind of comes naturally. Some of them you wont be really good at just because you haven�t fully developed them, but you still have them and you can call on them whenever you have the desire to work on that area of yourself.

Now make a list of things that interest you. This may sound the same as your talents, but its not necessarily. These are things you enjoy reading about, talking about. Things that you know something about and can hold a conversation about. When this list is made you will see how many things you know about or can at least ask intelligent questions about. When trying to gain confidence in a relationship you can direct conversations to these areas and know that you can speak confidently about them. Some examples are: genealogy, specific biographies, architecture, weather patterns, family life, parenting, investing, exciting dates etc.

The next list to make is about what you have done or are doing that is better than it was five years ago. Include methods that are better, increased abilities and better results. Which relationships are better? What did you do to get them there? What specific things do people notice about you that they didn�t five years ago? Did you get a promotion or change your career? Think about how you have improved and then think about ways that you will likely improve even more in the next five years. Using this method shows how you can gain confidence by competing against yourself and only against yourself, what other people are doing never even enters the picture.

The last list is about what you have done for others. Do you have children? What are some sacrifices you have made for them? What about friends? How have you made their lives better? And what about coworkers, employers or employees? It doesn�t have to be anything recent either, just within your life time. Write about every time that you can think of when you have affected someone�s life for good. This list you will probably never be able to complete because there are many you won�t remember and many times that you�ve helped and don�t even know it.

With these four lists in hand you will see that you are a wonderfully talented individual who can contribute confidently to a conversation. You have come a long way in improving yourself and you have helped many others along the way. This is only the beginning too. You are more important than you will ever know, but with these list you can realize you have a claim to happiness, achievement and high self-esteem.

Hosted by www.Geocities.ws