A MAN RETURNS HOME FROM WORK AND ENTERS THROUGH THE KITCHEN DOOR.  HE SEES HIS WIFE ON HER HANDS AND KNEES SCRUBBING THE FLOOR.  SHE ONLY HAS AN APRON ON SO HE GETS A BIG HARD ON RIGHT AWAY.  HE WIPS IT OUT AND STARTS FUCKING HIS WIFE DOGGY STYLE.  WHEN HE IS THROUGH HE PULLS IT OUT AND AT THE SAME TIME HITS HER IN THE HEAD.  "WHAT WAS THAT" THE WIFE SCREAMED "HERE I AM BEING SO NICE TO YOU REALLY LETTING YOU ENJOY YOURSELF.  WHAT DID YOU HIT ME FOR?"  THE HUSBAND LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY "FOR NOT LOOKING BACK TO SEE WHO IT WAS!"



A THIRD GRADE TEACHER COMES INTO SCHOOL ONE DAY AND ASKS HER STUDENTS TO USE THIER NEW VOCABULARY WORD "FASCINATE" IN A SENTENCE.  LITTLE SUZY RAISES HER HAND AND SAYS, "LAST WEEK MY PARENTS AND I WENT TO THE ZOO AND WERE FASCINATED BY THE POLAR BEARS."  THE TEACHER SAYS, "THAT'S GOOD SUZY, BUT I WANTED YOU TO USE THE WORD FASCINATE."  LITTLE MIKE RAISES HIS HAND AND SAYS, "LAST WEEK MY PARENTS WENT TO WAL-MART AND WERE FASCINATED BY ALL THE GREAT DEALS."  THE TEACHER SAYS, "THAT'S GOOD MIKE BUT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO USE THE WORD FASCINATE NOT FASCINATED.  CAN ANYONE USE THE WORD FASCINATE IN A SENTENCE?"  THEN LITTLE JONNY RAISES HIS HAND.  THE TEACHER IS HESITANT TO CALL ON HIM BECAUSE HE HAS A REALLY BAD MOUTH.  THEN SHE THINKS THAT THERE IS NO WAY HE CAN MESS UP THE WORD FASCINATE, SO SHE CALLS ON HIM.  JONNY THEN YELLS OUT, "MY SISTER HAS A SWEATER THAT HAS 10 BUTTONS ON IT BUT HER TITS ARE SO BIG SHE CAN ONLY FASTEN EIGHT!!"




A BLONDE WALKS INTO A DOCTERS OFFICE AND EXPLAINS THAT WHEREVER SHE TOUCHES HERSELF THAT IT HURTS.THE DOCTER IS CONCERNED AND IMMEDIATELY STARTS TO EXAMINE HER.  HE ASKS HER TO TAKE HER SHIRT OFF AND TOUCHES HER CHEST.  "DOES THIS HURT?" HE ASKS.  SHE SAYS, "NO."  HE THEN TAKES HIS HAND AND PRESSES HER STOMACH, LEGS, AND ARMS.  AGAIN HE ASKS, "DOES THIS HURT?"  SHE REPLIES, "NO" TO ALL OF THEM.  THE DOCTOR IS PUZZLED.  HE THEN TAKES HER HAND AND TOUCHES HER FINGER.  "OUCH" SHE YELLS.  HE THEN TELLS HER TO PUT HER CLOTHES BACK ON.WHEN SHE ASKS WHAT HE FOUND HE SAID, "YOU HAVE A BROKEN FINGER DUMBASS!"



A GUY IS HAVING MARITAL PROBLEMS.  HE AND HIS WIFE AREN'T COMMUNICATING AT ALL AND HE IS GETTING LONELY.  SO, HE GOES TO THE PET STORE THINKING A PET MIGHT HELP.  THE STORE HE WENT TO SPECIALIZED IN PARROTS.  AS HE WANDERS DOWN THE ROWS OF PARROTS HE NOTICES ONE WITH NO FEET.  SURPRISED, HE MUTTERS "I WONDER HOW HE HANGS ONTO THE PERCH?"  THE PARROT REPLIES "WITH MY DICK, YOU DUMMY."  THE GUY IS STARTLED AND SAYS, "YOU CERTAINLY TALK WELL FOR A PARROT."  THE PARROT SAYS "OF COURSE, I'M A VERY WELL EDUCATED PARROT.  I CAN DISCUSS POLITICS, SPORTS, RELIGION, MOST ANY SUBJECT YOU WISH."  THE GUY SAYS "YOU'RE JUST WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR."  THE PARROT SAYS "THERE'S NOT MUCH OF A MARKET FOR MAIMED PARROTS.  IF YOU OFFER THE PROPRIETOR $20 FOR ME, I'LL BET HE'LL SELL ME."  THE GUY BUYS THE PARROT AND FOR THREE MONTHS THINGS GO GREAT.  WHEN HE COMES HOME FROM WORK THE PARROT TELLS HIM CLINTON SAID THIS, THE A'S WON, THE GIANTS LOST, THE POPE DID SO AND SO.  ONE DAY THE GUY COMES HOME FROM WORK AND THE PARROT WAVES A WING AT HIM AND SAYS "COME IN AND SHUT THE DOOR."  THE GUY SAYS "WHAT'S UP?"  THE PARROT SAYS "I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU THIS, THE MAILMAN CAME TODAY.  YOUR WIFE ANSWERED THE DOOR IN HER NEGLIGEE AND HE KISSED HER RIGHT ON THE LIPS."  THE GUYS GOES "OH A MOMENTARY FLIGHT OF PASSION."  THE PAROOT CONTINUES "WELL, MAYBE, BUT THEN HE FONDLED HER BREASTS."  GUY, "HE DID!"  PARROT, "YES, THEN HE PULLED DOWN HER NEGLIGEE AND STARTED SUCKING ON HER BREASTS."  GUY, "MY GOD, WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?!?"  PARROT, "I DON'T KNOW.  I GOT A HARD-ON AND FELL OFF MY PERCH.!"