If You Only Knew...

Disclaimer: I own neither Filia Ul Copt nor Xellos Metallium...I just borrow them from time to time.

 

               Do you have any idea what this…no, what you are doing to me?  You really haven’t any idea, do you?  Kind of ironic, don’t you think, how you’re always so good at sensing my moods and emotions, yet it’s you this time that hasn’t the slightest clue as to what’s going on.

          Or, maybe you do.  Maybe this—all that we had—is your idea of some joke.  You always did like to screw with my mind.  Or anyone’s mind for that matter.  Why should I be any different?  Just another little plaything for your personal amusement.  Oh, let’s mess with the priestess!  What fun that will be!  After all, I’m sure she won’t mind.  She’s just a golden dragon, nothing of consequence.       

         

          But as I look at your face when we make love, I realize that you really don’t know.  You aren’t pretending.  You probably think that this is going to be able to survive.  But I know it won’t.  We’re too different, you and me.  It doesn’t matter that I don’t interfere with your work.  Our superiors will never let it survive.  Or us.       

         

Sometimes I wonder how we ever got into this mess in the first place.  You and me—together?  Just the idea is absurd.  We’re mortal enemies, yet somehow we wound up going from hating each other to sleeping together.  When I asked, you insisted that you never hated me—that I was the one who hated, not you.  I did hate you.  I can’t say that I still don’t.  You make me so angry sometimes!  I wonder if you’re lying when you say you never hated me.  I don’t see how you couldn’t hate me…after all, I am you’re natural enemy.  Dark never did well in the Light.  Of course, you always were a bit odd, weren’t you?

Maybe it’s just wanting what you can’t have;  Light always was so unattainable until I came along.  What made it be me, though?  Why me?  Why would you want me?  Was it the challenge of making the one who hated you most love you?  Well, you won.  You won.  So why are you still here?  What is it that makes you stay?  What is it that makes you come back after a mission?  Why won’t you just leave me alone?  Wouldn’t that be easier for everyone involved?  If you just never came back?

 

It would hurt.  Never seeing you again would hurt a good deal.  I can’t believe how my chest tightens just thinking about never seeing your smiling face again.  Or your glittering amethyst eyes looking at me when I wake up in the morning.  Never feeling your warm arms wrapped around me.  Yes, it does hurt.  It hurts much more than it should.  Much more than I’m comfortable with.  Bet it doesn’t hurt you, does it?  Does anything hurt you?  Or can anything hurt you?

 

I’m just going to have to do what’s best for everyone.  You leave me no choice.  It would be different if I didn’t love you.  If I didn’t care so damn much, none of this would be a problem.  It would just be sex, and everyone could go home happy.  But you had to make me love you, didn’t you?  Damn you.  Damn me for loving you.

 

I’m sorry, Xellos.  Goodbye.

 

 

***

 

          Xellos bent down and picked up Filia’s body.  His open eyes stared at the bloodstained floor…the bloodstained piece of glass…her blood-soaked hair and clothing…the small smile on her lips, unreadable amethyst eyes staring at his lover.

          “Stupid Dragon,” he whispered, cradling her in his arms.  Still wet, the blood clung to his cloak and shirt.  “It would have worked.”.    

By: Filia Umbrae