Disclaimer: I don't own Slayers. It belongs to Hajime Kanzaka and Rui Araizumi. I don't own this song, either. It belongs to the Eraserheads, from their Christmas album. *sighs* If I only had at least *half* of Ely Buendia's songwriting talent... ;_;

Fruitcake

There's a fruitcake for everybody
There's a fruitcake for everyone
There are b-sides to every story
If you decide to have some fun

"Oneesan, here are the eggs you asked for," Jiras the one-eyed foxman said, putting down the brown bag and container on the kitchen counter. "What are you cooking?"

"Thanks, Jiras." Filia, former priestess of Ka Ryuuou, now adoptive mother of the Ancient Valgaav, and Mace & Vase shopkeeper extraordinaire, took the carton from her assistant. "Lemon shortcake." The dragon declared happily. It would make a good afternoon snack for little Val when he came home from school. Not to mention that she heard it went well with tea.

"Oh, that sounds delicious, Sis!" the fox exclaimed. "Can I have a slice, too? Can I? Can I???"

She sweatdropped, adjusting the pink apron tied round her waist and taking out a small sack of flour from the cabinet. "Of course you could," she replied. "Just as soon as you dispose of those new bombs you were testing out a week ago in our backyard," she reminded him.

Now it was Jiras' turn to sweatdrop. "Alright, Sis, right away, Sis," he affirmed, eager as a puppy, and rushed off to do his errand.

Filia smiled fondly, watching her assistant scurry off to the backyard. She didn't really need to have the flammable mess and knicknacks that were Jiras' attempts at constructing better explosives removed, but that distraction offered her the brief joy of solitude. And solitude was what she needed to devote her full attention to baking. Humming softly to herself, the blond woman proceeded to mix in the various ingredients needed to make the cake.

"Let's see," she read aloud the recipe book she had left open right beside her, "Add in the melted butter, the sugar, and--" The dragon frowned. She could have sworn she'd left that bottle right here. Slightly annoyed, she quickly scanned through the various ingredients scattered on her table. Maybe she'd forgotten it?

Take a bite
It's alright
There's some brandy and star margarine to make it bright
Take a bite
It's alright
A little lovin' and some fruit to bake
Life is a piece of...cake

"Looking for this, Filia-san?" A smooth, all-knowing voice inquired tauntingly behind her. The dragon maiden could feel her skin crawl as she whirled around to face the purple-haired, eternally GENKI Mazoku that was, to her, (fluorish of trumpets please!) Monsieur--

"NAMAGOMI!!!!" she cried, tail popping out of her dress.

Xellos simply grinned obnoxiously back at her, wagging one chiding finger in a patronizing manner while holding out a tiny bottle of yellow liquid in the other hand. "Now, is that any way to greet your visitors, Filia-san?"

Chi fires blazed from her eyes. "It is when one deals with Mazoku, namagomi," she fumed, taking out Mace-sama, and raising it high above her head. "Now give that back!"

He ignored her. "What could be in this bottle, anyway?" The Mazoku inquired, examining the tiny bottle, opening the cap and sniffing the contents. "Feminine wash? Perfume?"

"That's lemon extract, you idiot Mazoku!" she yelled, turning red. Swing.

Xellos easily dodged the black spiked projectile, putting back the tiny bottle at the edge of the table. "Aww, Filia-san, I was only asking," he said, feigning a pout.

Filia huffed. "And now that you got an answer, please leave," she bit back, and snatched the lemon extract away. "I'm *trying* to bake a cake here."

It's the season for being happy
But the reason is dead and gone
If the reason for being happy
Takes a backseat when the season's done

"A cake? Really? For me, Filia-san? My, how thoughtful of you!" Xellos exclaimed, appearing right behind her. She could feel his cool breath on her neck and she jumped, blushing. The dragon turned around immediately, grabbing the Mazoku by the front edges of his black cloak, and glared into his eyes. "Now look here, you dirty piece of--"

"Er... Oneesan?"

"... trash." Both Mazoku and blonde ex-priestess looked up to see Jiras-kun standing by the kitchen doorway, twiddling his thumbs. Then back to each other, and the rather compromising position they were in.

Filia blushed. "Jiras, it's n--" she began, only to be cut off abruptly by a pair of arms encircling her waist, pulling her closer.

"Oh, it is, it's definitely what you're thinking," Xellos smoothly interceded, grinning fruitily. "Now, Filia-chan, you really should control your urges. I know I am a most attractive and irresistible Mazoku and all, but here? In your kitchen? Truly y--"

WHAP-THWACK. One Trickster Priest with a mace dent sent flying through the kitchen window and beyond, care of dear Filia-san.

Just take a bite
It's alright
Taste the taste that sent all mothers giggling in sheer delight
Take a bite
It's alright
A little lovin' and some fruit to bake
Life is a piece of...cake

The dragon turned to the wide-eyed foxman, smiling sweetly through glittering blue eyes. "You never saw anything."

Jiras nodded. "I never saw anything."

"Just your imagination."

"Just my imagination," the fox repeated nervously, starting to tiptoe away.

Filia smiled, and returned to her mixing bowl. She'd already put in the eggs, the butter, and some flour. She frowned. The consistency wasn't right. Too watery. She looked around the table for the flour sack, found none. "Now where did I put that?"

Everybody, everywhere people do you really care
Christmas time has once again arrived (2x)
Mistletoe and a little snow
But we don't get it there at fruitcake heights (2x)

"Look!" In an instant Jiras was back at the doorway, looking very surprised and agitated about something. The foxman pointed at the kitchen window. "Oneesan, it's snowing!"

Filia raised an eyebrow. "But it's the middle of summer!" She looked out the window. Sure enough, white, fluffy, powdery stuff fell on the streets, on the trees, on the roofs... She held out her hand to catch what fell near the sill.

Oh no...

She blinked. "Wait, this isn't snow... it's..." Flour. That damn Mazoku!!! Fuming, she stuck her head out the window again, craning her neck upwards. "Mazoku! Give that back!!!" she yelled to the jolly Xel-kun in a Santa outfit prancing around in midair above her.

"Hm, you mean this?" Xellos peered down at her quizically, slinging the sack of flour over his shoulder as he sprinkled some more flour on the ground below.

"Yes!!!" she yelled, trying to snatch it away from him. To no avail.

"Ah, but Filia-chan, you have to kiss me first," the Mazoku put in, pointing one gloved finger at the mistletoe he had affixed atop her window. He leaned forward with closed eyes and puckered his lips.

Her eyes flared. "DIEEE!!!!" WHHAAAAM!!!

Xellos was sent flying upwards to be one with the cosmos by a very irate dragon. Another grrreat Mace-sama bat-away by Filia Ul Copt, ladies and gentlemen.

Stars are falling down from heaven
But it's nowhere near our town
Miracles are falling down from heaven
But it's nowhere near our town

Meanwhile, various spectators from the neighboring towns could only stare in dubious amazement as a purple-black blur shot straight up in the sky, vanishing with a final farewell twinkle amongst parted clouds.

"Good," Filia declared, dusting her hands off. She turned to Jiras.

"I never saw a thing," the foxman said, taking a step back. "I'm... uh... off to fetch Master Valgaav from school..." he finished, and ran out of there.

The dragon watched him go and sighed, stretching her arms. "Now I could bake in peace," she breathed happily, and went back to the table.

"Filia-san, you have one heck of a follow-through," Xellos remarked, appearing cross-legged above the table, one hand rubbing his jaw, oblivious to her surprised 'Eeeep!'.

"Why don't you leave me alone?!" said maiden cried in exasperation.

"Ah, but I see you need my help in cooking," he replied, grinning at her obnoxiously. "And I simply can't abandon my favorite dragon in such distress, now, can I?"

She gave him a funny look. "You, cook?"

He nodded.

She couldn't help it. Xellos stared in puzzlement as the blonde woman collapsed on the floor in a helpless laughing fit.

"Ne, what's so funny, Filia-san?"

The dragon recovered, picking herselp up off the ground, and regarded him with a haughty shrug. "Hmph, everyone knows you can't cook," she told him, smirking.

Xellos twitched. "Oh, they do, don't they?" he said.

She nodded.

"That's it, then," the Mazoku finally declared, suddenly grabbing the mixing bowl from the table, "I must go and show you my great cooking skills!" With that, he leaped through the open window.

"Namagomi!!!"

There's a fruitcake in everybody
There's a fruitcake in everyone
There are b-sides to every story
If you decide to have some fun

She teleported outside, wildly searching her surroundings for the namagomi. Spotting him, she held her mace aloft by way of greeting.

"Xellos!!!" Filia shrieked. "Get back down here with my cake batter!!!!"

"Na-uh, Filia-san," the maniacally grinning Mazoku threw back happily from his perch on the roof, balancing the bowl of batter at the tip of his staff and making it tilt and spin expertly. "Not until you appreciate my great culinary skills!"

With that, he vanished. The dragon blinked, briefly wondering where he'd gone off to. That is, until certain identifiable and unidentifiable noises that decidedly came from her kitchen intruded her thoughts.

"Namagomi!!!" She screamed again, rushing into the house, a cloud trail of dust in her wake, as she sought to rescue her kitchen from the evil clutches of that vile, diabolical, disgusting--

"Fruitcake?" Filia sniffed the air again, as if unable to believe the nutty, tart scent of fruit baking from the oven. The rich smell wafted through the cracks of the door to her kitchen. Suddenly curious, the former shrine maiden threw open the door.

"Is that--?"

"Fruitcake, Filia-san?" A Xellos donning a baker's hat and a cute purple 'Kiss Ze Chef' apron responded cheerily from his post by her kitchen table. "Why, yes, I do believe that's what I've whipped up. Now sit you here, let it bake for a couple of hours. Would you care for some tea?" Not really quite believing the situation she was in, the dragon maiden let herself be seated on the chair beside a flour-sprinkled table. Not a second later she found herself sharing a steamy pot of tea with said namagomi.

"How did you know I like fruitcake?"

Just take a bite
It's alright
Taste the taste that sent all mothers giggling in sheer delight

Two hours passed.

"Ha! Old Maid!!!" Filia exclaimed, throwing in her paired-up aces to the card stack and pointing a finger at him.

"So I am." Xellos retained his grin as one purple eyebrow twitched, and threw down his single Queen of Hearts. He retrieved what turned out to be the Queen of Clubs from underneath a saucer, and stood up. "Well, the cake's just about done right now, I think." Humming cheerfully, the Mazoku strode to the oven, stuck in a toothpick, and soon pulled out the cake. Not that she would go out and admit it, but it looked alright enough. It was brown, with pecans, and raisins, and, oh, are those cherries? -- spread over the surface of the cake.

Smiling benignly, Xellos set the fruitcake down on the platter, and proceeded to cut a slice off of it. "Now to try it out, Filia-san," he declared, offering the cake slice to her. He whipped out a silver fork out of nowhere and held it out to her as well. "Then we'll see what you could say about my cooking skills!"

"But people don't normally eat fruitcake so soon out of the oven," the dragon maiden protested, Lina's horror stories of Xellos' cooking resurfacing in her mind. "Shouldn't we wait for two weeks, three weeks maybe, before--"

"Oh, but we've waited long enough," the Mazoku replied breezily, still holding it out for her. "See, Filia, this fruitcake is very special. It's even more delicious fresh out of the oven! You must immediately try it." He opened one eye, winking at her, and lowered his voice just the slightest bit. "It's good."

Filia gave him a disbelieving look, but took the cake slice and fork from his hands. No harm in trying, and it did smell good. Tentatively, she took a dainty little bite out of the cake, chewing slowly. She swallowed the decidedly edible tidbit, warily watching the Mazoku all the while. She blinked.

Xellos' crooked grin grew wider as she forked out another chunk off her slice of cake, bit, chew, swallowed, charming little gulp. The smile turned into a positively devious smirk as she proceeded to consume the rest of the cake.

"This... Isn't so bad," the blonde remarked. She tried to keep her calm, even demeanor with regards to the Mazoku, but was suddenly unable to keep a smile from surfacing onto her face. Stranger still, she found the faintest tickles of laughter threatening to escape her throat. Soon, she found herself laughing; no, that wasn't right -- she wasn't laughing, she was giggling, heartily and uncontrollably and for no apparent reason, her voice as light as the tinkling of silver bells in the drowsy silence of the afternoon. "This is GOOD!" The dragon managed to exclaim between giggles, turning to Xellos.

"It is, now, isn't it?" the Mazoku affirmed, stepping a little closer to the giggling and very giddy dragon.

She nodded. "Really good," she said. "You should teach me the recipe. Oh, Xellos, whatever did you put in it?" Filia asked, clutching his shoulders for support, as she found it hard to think straight and keep her balance at the moment.

Xellos merely smiled, purple bangs covering his eyes, and pulled her unresistingly into his arms. "Now that," he smirked, voice low and decidedly dangerous, "is a secret."

Take a bite
It's alright
A little lovin' and some fruit to bake
Life is a piece of...cake

*~*

"But I thought you told me Mother was baking me a cake to eat this evening," Val asked the foxman. "Why're you telling me we're eating out tonight?"

"She, uh, changed her mind," Jiras answered, averting his gaze. Not that it was easy to notice, but the aqua-haired seven-year-old could have sworn Uncle Jiras turn a brighter shade of red.

"OK," the boy returned tentatively. "But I gotta leave my bag and stuff at home," before the fox could stop him, he made a few quick steps to the pottery shop. "Are you sure Mom doesn't want to--" He stopped right at the front porch. Maybe it was because of the closed door, or maybe it was because of the strange noises coming from the kitchen window. All that moaning and banging. Weird.

Raising both of his eyebrows, Val finally backed off, exchanging glances with the one-eyed fox. Poor Jiras-san was blushing so hard, faint whiffs of steam were coming out of his ears. He couldn't blame him. Pink must be making a delightful color combination with his spiky aqua-green hair right about now, if the burning sensation on his cheeks were any indication.

"Oh." Shrugging inwardly, he slung back his backpack over one lanky shoulder and walked back to Jiras, who looked for all the world about to faint right on the spot or bolt for the hills. "I guess I could bring 'em along. The restaurant's just a few blocks off, isn't it?"

Without further conversation, the boy and the foxman headed off to the nearest restaurant.

*~*

Author's Ramblings: Ee, Mica knows it's irrelevant. Yes, she knows there is no real plot or point to speak of. Yessir, and she deeply apologizes for wasting your time. And for defiling Ely Buendia's hallowed name. Mica also advises Dear Reader to not take this fic too seriously, because it may do weird things to your brain. She would be really happy if Dear Reader would leave a review, too. Mica loooves feedback... And death threats, good Xellia lemons, Lezard Valeth, Legolas, and plushies, no, you can never have too many plushies... Mica also notices this 'notes' section growing long, so she will shut up now. ^_^

WHAT *IS* IT WITH XELLIA FICS AND PASTRY?