| People say the world is a scary place but none haven't lived my world. A world were your life is a big question mark every second of your life. I don't understand it. I never have. And I don't think I'm ever going to. I'm a creature, an animal. If you want to be gentle, a lyncothrophe but I don't change according to the moon. I'm something totally different. An angel of darkness, lover of life, the cause of death. Why am I writing this? It's only a few hours after we've finally defeated Cor. Only hours since I was surrounded by bloodshed, violence, and destruction. I'd felt the griffin's heart beat in my hands as his eyes, those deep purple eyes as they bulged in fear as he knew he was going to die. He was going to die in my hands. Does it make me a monster? I'd killed him after I merged with Will. I'd killed him and enjoyed it. I didn't feel anything afterwards, just happy that he was gone. I'm supposed to feel something at the fact I'd took a life. I felt bad because I was supposed to feel bad and I didn't. Will would argue that he killed him too, that we shared a body and mind. Hell, he'd even argue that our unborn child did it too; it was his little extra push of power that allowed us to destroy the crystal that lay inside of Cor. So Cor was dead, Earth and Nivta was safe, Will was safe, along with Taka and Der and my unborn child. So why didn't I feel happy? Why did I feel empty and alone? Why did I feel...so weak? Of course I'd gotten a rude awakening when I'd got here. I wasn't as strong as I thought I was. By the second day, I was bawling my eyes out because I had nearly killed Will in my animalistic morph. Later that night, the horrible memory of my father's murder made me want to crawl and hide. The the first battle with Sayt, with me being knocked unconsious, captured, and chained. In a throne room with a small girl caring for me, I woke to find that I was still in my morph and staring into the eyes of Sayt...or was it Sayt? Sayt was a demon. He could switch forms like a teenager drinks soda. One battle, he's giant red, multihorned creature and the next, he's an eight foot tall Anubis. He'd picked the form on purpose. I was a WolfAngel, the death side of the combination and Anubis is jackel and the god of death in ancient Egypt. Coincidence? I think not. So what do you do with a capture as valueble as me? Tourture me for info? How about suduce me to have a child that would be the end of Earth and Nivta as we know it? Call me crazy, but the last one would have seemed impossible then. But that was. I could still feel his warm breath on my neck, the intensity of those maroon eyes that stared at me, how soft his gray fur was. He had been human once, I knew that. All demons were humans because all angels were humans and of course, demons are fallen angels? In that instant, I saw in his eyes something that I wasn't expecting to see in a monster: human need. He wanted me to touch him, run my hands across his body and explore. And I wanted to. I was inches from touching him and would have if Will hadn't broken in, the concentration on each other broken. So I went 'animal' and killed him. From almost surrendering to him to ripping his throat out, I felt his blood run down my coat, my muzzle growing slick with with, I heard the soft sound it made when it splattered on the floor. I'd felt proud. He wanted to be dominate to me and I couldn't have that. So I'd killed him. If only the human world was so clean cut, huh? But you know something, I'm not human. Oh, I can be human for a time. That night after I reutrn from killing Sayt, I was human. I was so confused, so lost, so hurt. I'd almost betrayed the one person I loved more than anything. But he didn't care, he knew what had happened to me, what Sayt tried to do. He'd forgiven me for almost forsaking him. He'd held me in his arms and said everything woud be fine in the end. That night, I was human, I'd felt him, held him inside of me, stared up into his eyes as we made love and cried one of the few times I cried tears of plain happiness. I guess I'm still too shocked to talk about the last battle. All I can remember is the violence, the sweet smell of death, the fire and brimstone I'd let lose from inside of me, and blood, so much blood... Maybe it makes me human that I'm still alive. I've survived. Maybe not. I've tried so hard to retain my humanity that maybe, just maybe, I was trying too hard. It all come together, like Will said. In the end. Ok, I don't get it! ((The Explination and Lyrics since this IS a song fic)) HOME |