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| AQUARIUS (January 21 - February 19) OVERALL STATS: You are a born liar ... you lie on your back, you lie on your butt, you lie on your stomach, etc. Your looks make others believe you were born in a fat, found aquarium. LOVE AND MARRIAGE: You will marry a very, very stupid person who will depend on you for life. MONEY: You will earn enough money to buy an aquarium filled with water ... but with no fish. PISCES (February 22 - March 20) OVERALL STATS: You have vivid imagination and often think you're being followed. You catch fish, you keep fish, you eat fish and you smell like fish ... LOVE AND MARRIAGE: Luckily for you, your kind of soulmate is easy to find. Just look in the water ... MONEY: Making money is easy for you. Grab your soulmate, sell him/her and get the money. Then grab another soulmate ... ARIES (March 21 - April 20) OVERALL STATS: You hold most people in contempt. You are quicktempered, horny and impatient, scornful of advice and incurably romantic. You are also very sarcastic. LOVE AND MARRIAGE: You will have many spouses, though not legally. You make love with a different 'spouse' everyday. MONEY: After every love-making, the money starts pouring in ... TAURUS (April 21 - May 21) OVERALL STATS: You have a dogged determination to work like a bull. You are also very bull-headed. Most born under Taurus are very energetic and shy towards members of the opposite sex. That's why they are sex-shy, or sexy for short (this rarely refers to the male species). LOVE AND MARRIAGE: Most Taurus are animal lovers and end up becoming Vetrinarians - they love to make love with their patients. MONEY: Money isn't very hard to come-by. You have plenty of ways of making money ... begging, 'examining' your patients, and working like a bull is just a few. GEMINI (May 22 - June 21) OVERALL STATS: You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are strong and healthy ... like a baby. You have two faces, but prefer to use the ugly one. You do so much to accomplish little. LOVE AND MARRIAGE: You must force your bride-to-be to marry you with a threat. MONEY: Forget it. CANCER (June 22 - July 22) OVERALL STATS: You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems. They think you're a sucker who's always prying into other people's business. Your sign is Cancer, but you'll be more likely to beafflicted with AIDS and HIV. LOVE AND MARRIAGE: You tend to walk sideways. When the person of your dreams walks past, you won't even notice. MONEY: You earn a lot of money, but you spend all of it trying to sure yourself of your sicknesses and problems. But to no avail ... LEO (July 23 - August 23) OVERALL STATS: You consider yourself a Born Leader. You are pushy and most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is YUCK. However, you have a very good sense of humor and usually end up working in a circus. You try and keep the lions from devouring you with your jokes, but don't live long enough to see their reaction. LOVE AND MARRIAGE: Leos tend to pretend to be faithful to one lion/lioness only. But when they are caught, they are eaten. MONEY: You have many opportunities to earn big dough and you grab all of them all at once. The result? A hectic schedule. You're usually late for work and eventually get fired. VIRGO (August 24 - September 23) OVERALL STATS: You hate disorder and you're very logical. That's why when you mess up, you get logical disorder. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while making love. Most Virgos are not virgins. LOVE AND MARRIAGE: Your life is extremly pathetic and true marriage will never come. MONEY: What money? LIBRA (September 24 - October 23) OVERALL STATS: You are the artistic type and you're often daydreaming for ideas. You have a difficult time with reality and you often pinch yourself, which makes people think you're retarded and put you in a mental hospital. This is proff that you're very sentimental: 1% senti, 99% mental. You make excellent librarians. LOVE AND MARRIAGE: Your lover will be your roomate at the mental hospital until the day you die. MONEY: Wasted on hospital bills. SCORPIO (October 24 - November 22) OVERALL STATS: You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. Therefore we're not telling you naymore, should you fin out that our philosophy secrets are just made up. LOVE AND MARRIAGE: Go away. MONEY: Better yet, go to hell. SAGITARRIUS (November 23 - December 21) OVERALL STATS: You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. People laugh at you a great deal behind your back. LOVE AND MARRIAGE: Most of your lovers are actually just playing on you, but your true love will be a leprechaun. MONEY: Your true love will give you a million pieces of gold, which all eventually turn out to be fake. CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 20) OVERALL STATS: You are very conservative and are afraid of taking risks. You have a nice ass and you're smart, that's why people call you a smart ass. Capricorns should avoid standing still for long periods of time as they somehow tend to attract pigeons. Those born on December 25 have the wildest dreams, which are usually about being born in a place with lots of straw and animal poop. LOVE AND MARRIAGE: Pigeons love you. MONEY: You are a slow worker and therefore your money comes in slow ... say a dollar a month. For a personalized reading, see Icie D. Fyutyor, or call him at: 1-800-PSYCHIC (1-800-779-2442) If you are a female, Mr. Fyutyor will let you hold his crystal balls. "There are two qualities a person should have in order to become a psychic: handsome and intelligent. My boss (Yam A. Knucklehead) was surprised when I became one." -Icie D. Fyutyor |
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