Mirror
They say that eyes are windows
to your soul, gateways to the secrets your heart is afraid to tell. They
say that your eyes can betray your every move, that people can tell by
just a look what you are thinking, what your next action will be. They
do not tell you that all windows can be shut. It took me years to realize
it, myself. I was lucky, though. I have - I had - a good friend who taught
me.
We were best friends,
Tony and I. Ever since we were children. We grew up together... his house
was only two down from mine, on the same side of the street. We discovered
a lot about life together. Everything, almost... from mud pies and watergun
fights to dancing and... love.
Was that what it was?
Did I really love him? He was everything... a listener when I needed to
talk, clown to cheer me, a true friend to just hang around and goof off
with. A teacher when I wanted to learn.
It's too difficult to
remember all the things he taught me. I already told you the most important.
He taught me how to shut the world out of my life, keep it from gleaning
little pieces of my dreams from my mind to torment me.
I think I must have
been a freshman at the time. Ninth grade? That seems to be about right.
I'd just broken up with the first "great love" of my life. His name was
Jerry, and I'd liked him for years, ever since I'd first laid eyes on him.
He was everything... smart, handsome, charming... a little too charming.
It turned out that I was one of three girls he was stringing along.
That hurt a lot to find
out. I mean, all this time I had thought that I was special, that I was
the only one he wanted. It was like he knew exactly what to say. I told
Tony that the day Jerry and I broke up. He was the first person I talked
to, the only one I wanted to talk to. And he helped me. He told me those
old proverbs about your eyes. The same ones I told you earlier. And then
he told me how to shut the windows, to draw the blinds over everything
that tries to shine out to all those close to you. It was almost a month
before I was successful, before I could look into my mirror, and see two
small black mirrors looking back, reflecting nothing more than the world
around me.
But I won't tell you
how. Tony was a master of it - he really knew what he was talking about.
And it helped a lot, it really did. I had four boyfriends, after Jerry.
I never let any of them see inside me. And do you know what? It worked.
Not one of them even came close to hurting me like he had.
Then Tony and I got
together. It was a dare at first, just the silly result of a party where
everyone had drunk too much. But then next day... I don't know. It was
real. My other friends all thought it was just so cute, that we'd finally
hooked up. And I never regretted a minute of it.
We stayed together for
two years, right up until graduation. And the summer afterwards. We both
went to the community college ten minutes from where I live. And then...
he told me. I thought I'd die when he broke the news to me.
He was going to move
to Colorado. His father was transferred. We wouldn't be together any more.
I grew up with him... how could they just rip us apart?
It made me feel a little
better that his mother felt the same way. She likes this area, everything
about it. It seems like such a little thing, but it was just the tip of
the iceberg, and the ship of Tony's home life soon sank to the ocean floor.
He spent lots of time
at my house then. His family used to be so close, I knew it tore him up
inside to see his parents fight. But he never said a word. He was as goofy
and wonderful as ever. His eyes were the mirrors he'd taught me to use.
And that's why I'll
never tell you how to do it. His parents got a divorce - the final papers
went through just yesterday. His father's moving next week. His mother
will stay behind, to bury him.
Tony died last night.
I found him this morning, when I went to wake him for our morning walk.
He'd slit both his wrists and taken whole bottles of pills. I guess he
didn't want to leave anything to chance. It was horrible, seeing him lying
there like a puppet dropped from a string.
The sight shook me,
cracked the perfect shades I'd put up with his help. I saw myself in the
mirror earlier. I almost didn't recognize my own reflection. My face is
more empty than I ever remember it being.
But I can accept that.
There was only one thing Tony never told me. If you close the windows,
you'll suffocate. I need the air to live. No matter how badly it hurts.