Your stuffed dragon finally got a name today. You named him Wuffle. Why? Good question and one I don't have an answer to. I just know you took forever trying to come up with the perfect name and it ended up being Wuffle.
I gotta admit you're adorable when you're asking where your Wuffle is. But now I'm sleeping with two dragons every night, one of them named Wuffle. When did my life get so strange ...
September 13
Oh gods, Draco! This just had to be the best day ever since we got back to school. I took you out flying today. It felt incredible to be back on a broom again! For you, too. I took you up with me, and you had a blast.
You want to know what else was awe inspiring? As a four-year-old, you showed complete and total trust in me. I don't think you were ever scared once up there in the air. Despite all the crazy stunts I was pulling.
Snape would absolutely kill me actually, if he'd seen me up there with you. We spent hours in the air and by the time we came down again, I could even pull off the Wronski Feint with you on the broom. Heh, kind of scary even for me to be thinking about it now.
But neither of us was scared up there and we'll have to do it more often. Think I can get away with taking you to practices with me once they start up? After today I think I can probably get away with it ...
September 15
I can't believe I actually wore Slytherin robes around the school. I think I've got everybody in this school a little bit confused. Hell, I'm confused. I don't particularly care for being the center of attention all the time, but I guess I'm kinda getting used to it.
It's strange though. I'm going around school with this cute little boy (yes, you!) and I seem to have everyone's support there. I think I'm not the only one that has trouble resisting your four-year-old charms! But then, here I am, Harry Potter, the Gryffindor Golden Boy, hanging around the Slytherin dorms every other night.
A lot of students have been pretty supportive, but I'm not stupid. And no, I don't feel like hearing you tell me otherwise, even if it is just in my head. Anyway, I know a lot of other students are simply afraid of me again. But what am I supposed to do about it?
In some ways it didn't help that I accidentally performed those bursts of magic. It made some of the students afraid of me. But then, I think a lot of them are seeing it as a good thing. If I can produce magical displays like that, then maybe I will actually be able to defeat Voldemort. Or else turn into the next Dark Lord myself. Like I said, I've got everyone confused.
I know what I'm writing sure sounds confused, but I can't help it. There's just been so much going on with me the last couple of weeks.
It's even more odd because I've got your old henchmen protecting me almost all the time. Whoever would have thought I'd have Crabbe and Goyle following me around everywhere - and not wanting to beat me into a bloody pulp? I really like them, but sure as hell wouldn't have expected to see me ever being friends with them. I think they're a little bemused by this new friendship too ...
September 16
Snape is driving me fucking nuts!! Argh! I swear some nights that I don't need Voldemort trying to kill me, because Snape's just going to do it for him. Almost every fucking night after you go to bed, I end up training with Snape for at least an hour or two. Have I told you that already? I can't remember.
Honestly, my brain's feeling a bit addled tonight after Snape's been fucking with it. And no, right now I don't feel like hearing that I was already addled to start with.
I fucking hate Occlumency training with a passion. The man's going to kill me with it. I suppose I should be thankful he actually started out the training this year by actually giving me some more information about how to actually go about it. How to clear my mind instead of just ordering me to do it. Course, I'm still getting that order, too.
About 20 minutes ago I got the order to clear my mind and go to bed. I just know I can't sleep yet. It always leaves me feeling at least a little shaky when he spends an hour or so breaking into my mind, and tonight was even harsher than normal. I'm feeling kind of worked up and need to calm down.
So, what all can I tell you about what you did today ...
September 19
I talked to Colin Creevey finally today. I know, I don't want to hear it. If I didn't want the pictures so bad, I never would have approached him. Even so, it took me this long.
He's going to take pictures for me and I gave him the money so he could owl order me my own camera and show me how to work it.
Don't worry! He's under death threats if any of the pictures get out.
But I want the pictures. I don't know. Maybe you'll laugh at me. A lot of people up in Gryffindor were already teasing me. But see, there were never any pictures taken of me when I was growing up so it's kind of important to me ...
September 22
I finally took you up to the owlery today. You absolutely loved it! You've sure hidden well your love for creatures over the years. It's hard for me to associate the grief you put Hagrid through over Buckbeak, with the same little boy who was enchanted with all the owls today.
It makes me wonder and worry what all else your father has done to you over the years. How much of you is simply a reflection of your father's views? How much of this sweet, loving, four-year-old boy is still inside you now?
I suspect that there's actually still a lot of sweetness and loving inside you. See, I was kind of wondering about it already this summer. You'll probably be shocked to know that I spent a lot of time thinking about you. Gods, it's not like I had anything else to do anyway, what with staying with the Dursleys. But that's another story for another day.
Anyway, I thought about you a lot. Um, already I'm kind of thinking twice about actually sharing this journal with you. I may have to kind of take a bunch of things out first.
Because, you see, well, it kind of started because I was trying to sort out my sexuality. Gods, I can hear you snorting in amusement in my head. I'm sure that you'll find this whole story quite amusing.
Things didn't exactly work out well with Cho last year. And it's kind of hard to say I'm into girls when the best I could say about her kiss was that it was wet. That's it. Wet. So, I thought about that this summer. Then I tried to figure out why that's all I got out of kissing her. Was it just her? Was it me? At some point it crossed my mind that maybe I just wasn't into girls at all.
So then I started thinking about boys. You'll be quite shocked to know that my thoughts led me to realize that I find you highly attractive. Gods, you're absolutely gorgeous, Draco! Not that *that* is news to you because you're also a bloody vain git!
Well, you can imagine the angst I went through when I realized I was attracted to my bitter rival of the last five years. I wasn't exactly pleased at first, and I spent a lot of time telling myself all the reasons why I couldn't be attracted to you. Somewhere along the line my thoughts kind of shifted and I started trying to figure out the reasons why I *could* be attracted to you.
I'm afraid I kind of psychoanalyzed you this summer. I kind of doubt you'll be pleased to hear that. But it's what I did. I tried to figure out what made you tick. I went back over all our encounters over the years. Even before all the revelations over the last couple of weeks, I realized that your father has played a huge role in your life.
Maybe I'm totally way off base. Maybe I just rationalized because I'm attracted to you. I don't know. But I ended up deciding that you don't show the world the real Draco Malfoy. It wasn't exactly hard to figure out that you hide behind a bunch of masks. Not once I allowed myself to think about it anyway. Which I hadn't done the last five years.
But this summer I did. You've been hiding, Draco. Even before I got back to Hogwarts I'd decided that you weren't really the little Death Eater wannabe that I'd always thought you were. Heh, I guess you've hidden yourself fairly well over the years. At least from me.
You spouting off all the time about your father, touting his worth at every turn. You had me convinced. But when I thought about it, something seemed off about it all. I couldn't be sure what exactly, although I know at least part of it now. But you're just not like your father, Draco.
I'm not saying you can't be a bastard when you want to be! But even your worst stunts over the years aren't cruel and sadistic like your father. And remember, I've met your father before. Met him in a graveyard once even. No, I don't want to think about that.
Gods, I don't actually want to talk about your father at all. How did I get on this topic anyway? Oh yeah, because I think you wear this mask of your father's but it doesn't fit you so well. Geez, that sounds kind of corny, even if it does make sense to me.
I don't know, Draco. I guess, I just tried to put myself in your shoes. Not even knowing about the abuse he's put you through, I could still see him instilling all his aristocratic attitudes in you and trying to control you like a puppet. You've had so little personality of your own. That probably sounds cruel. Well, maybe not.
I can see you trying to win your father's approval. I'd have done the same thing in your shoes. Hell, I try to win people's approval all the time. I don't want to think about Sirius. Anyway, I can see if he was my father, I'd try to be like him, try to make him proud, try not to disappoint him.
Unfortunately I just can't see you making your father proud. Not because of anything you've done or not done. Just because your father could care less about anybody but himself. He's Voldemort's right hand man and somewhere a long time ago he lost his heart.
His loss. Because you're highly intelligent, you're fabulous on a broomstick, you're a leader and inspire loyalty in your friends. I think you've got a wicked sense of humor, if you just weren't using it to put me or my friends down all the time. Imagine how funny you could be without the insult factor. I've also seen you lay on the charm with people. Not with me, of course. But you can be very charming.
I'm sure it'll surprise you to know that I came back to Hogwarts this year with the intention of trying to get to know you better. To try to be friends with you. Not that anyone would likely believe that. Well, they might believe it now, considering how vehement I was about taking care of you from the beginning.
Heh, the strange twists my life tends to take ...
September 28
You'd be impressed with Ron. Well, ok, maybe you wouldn't be. It's just that he's really working hard to tear down some of his old prejudices. I actually saw Ron talking with some other Slytherins today - not Pansy, Blaise, Crabbe or Goyle. I know at first he was just trying to do his best not to be insulting to Slytherins because of me. But he really seems to be changing his attitude on a deeper level now. I don't think he believes all Slytherins are evil bastards anymore.
It's odd that Ron and the rest of us seem to be growing up a little when you've gone so far backwards on the growing up scale. You've helped change far more than you ever expected with this little de-aging scheme of yours.
Oh, I haven't told you about all my theories regarding your *potions accident*, have I? I told them to Snape and Dumbledore the day after the accident. At the time Snape said he was willing to admit that I was probably the best possible caregiver for his godson because I seemed to have a far better understanding of you than he ever would have expected from me.
So you want to hear about my theories of why you did this? Whether you want to hear them or not, I'll tell you, because I don't feel like working on my Charms assignment at the moment ...
September 30
You want to know something? I think I've finally got Occlumency down. Three weeks of intense training every night might have something to do with that fact. Two nights in a row now, Snape hasn't been able to get past my mental shields. Not once.
I'm afraid to jinx myself, but I haven't heard from Voldemort in over a week. Planted vision or otherwise. I hope to hell he can't actually get to me anymore. At least not intentionally.
Believe it or not, I do hope that I can still get the visions of the Death Eater meetings and stuff. Not that I want to see them, but we need to be able to know what's going on.
I'm a little worried too, because Voldemort's been quiet lately. If he thinks I can't see him anymore and can't hear his plans, will he start doing more again? Gods, I hope not.
October 2
It was a Gryffindor night for us. You had a blast! Ok, so I think almost everyone in Gryffindor tower had a blast! Being as it's a Friday night we got a lot of people involved. No one cared really about getting assignments done and they liked having something different to do. Even Mione got involved. Heh, this is probably just going to reinforce your ideas that Gryffindors are immature, but oh well.
Anyway, I had the house elves help us take every single last block you own up to the tower. Mione did some kind of complicated, temporary, duplicating transfiguration spell or something. I don't understand what she did exactly, but we ended up with even more blocks for the night.
More and more people got involved in the building. At one point we had a huge lion built. But then that got taken apart and everyone started working on pieces of this huge medieval castle. Of course you helped me build dragons for it!
It's odd sometimes when I let myself think about the fact that you're fitting in so well with the Gryffindors. Of course, it's not the same at all, but ...
October 10
Ha, ha to you! You can't say it's just Gryffindors who are immature now! Your adorable little self managed to sweet talk the Slytherins into a block party like we had in Gryffindor last Friday. Of course, I might have influenced them a bit when I said that Slytherins probably just weren't capable of being as creative as the Gryffindors.
Admittedly it took longer for some of the Slytherins to get involved, but more of them ended up helping us build than I would have expected at first. It was nice seeing the Slytherins do something a little silly just for fun.
How many of your fellow Slytherins have grown up not being allowed to do things like that? I'm afraid to ask Blaise, even though I know he'll tell me ...
October 13
You know what, Draco? I miss you. Everyone would think I was nuts for saying it, but I do. Not that I don't love you as a four-year-old, but I miss seeing you around school. School doesn't seem the same without you around this year.
Well, that's not exactly true because you are around and everything is actually totally out of whack around here because of you. I'm smiling because I know you'll be pleased that you've had such an impact and stirred everything up this year ...
October 17
Did I say Snape and I were getting along? I lied! He's just trying to lure me in by being civil and then he's going to kill me off. Or he's just trying to see how slowly he can kill me. Maybe it's just that he likes to torture me. I know, nothing new there.
Argh! He just drives me fucking nuts! He drives me so crazy. Middle of the night after a vision and he's gentle, he holds me and takes care of me. Then he turns around and insults and belittles me at every turn.
Hermione and Pansy seem to agree that he's just compensating because he doesn't know how to handle emotions well. They say if I'm patient, he'll come around eventually.
Ha! The man will always be a damn snarky bastard. I don't expect him to always be perfectly nice. I just don't like it when I feel like he's completely turned on me and when he treats me worse than he did before even ...
October 19
Yeah, it was our first Hogsmeade weekend. I've been wanting to take you there since you first reverted to a four-year-old. It was fun for awhile, but oh gods, you won't believe how stupid I was. We picked out tons and tons of the different candies at Honeydukes. Not so stupid an idea. But letting you eat that candy to your heart's content? That was the stupidest thing I've done for awhile.
I never thought I'd see Draco Malfoy, at any age, literally bouncing off the bloody walls.
Admittedly you did a great job entertaining our friends for a long time. They thought your antics were hilarious and the bloody gits thought it was quite comical watching me try to chase you down. Not a one of them would help me. Too busy rolling around on the floor laughing at me. What kind of friends are they anyway? Yes, I'm sulking. And I don't care ...
October 21
I'm so sick and tired of training. Almost every single fucking night Snape is training me in something or other. Did you know Snape has another room in his quarters? I mean, we know there's our room and his bedroom, a couple bathrooms, the sitting room with the little side kitchen, and his little office he has for working here.
I think that little office got put there after we arrived here, too. So he could work close by and keep an eye on us.
Anyway, I think bloody Dumbledore added this other room to Snape's quarters and it's become my fucking training room. Can you tell how excited I am about it?
I shouldn't really be complaining. I know I need the training. I think I might have even asked for it. Although at the moment I'm having trouble remembering why I would've asked for extra training from Snape. The man is bloody ruthless with me. I sure as hell don't ever get any mercy.
Alright, I admit I'm learning a lot though. I can certainly control my magic a whole lot better. He's even been doing a little bit of wandless training with me. But I don't feel nowhere near being able to defeat Voldemort. How will I ever be able to vanquish him like I'm supposed to ...
October 26
We watched the Slytherin/Ravenclaw Quidditch game today. Slytherin won! Do you know how bloody weird it was to be sitting in the Slytherin stands cheering for Slytherin? I can just hear you laughing your arse off about that.
Blaise has taken your place on the team for now. He does alright and he did catch the Snitch today. But he's just not nearly as good as you are, and if it wasn't for the fact that Ravenclaw's new Seeker is so lousy, I'm not sure Slytherin would have won. Blaise even admitted to me that he'll be glad when you're back.
I'm really glad Slytherin doesn't play Gryffindor until the spring. It wouldn't seem right playing against someone else. Um, well, I don't know if I actually want to play against you now or not, come to think of it. You get right ticked at me for beating you and I'm really hoping we don't go back to the whole rivalry thing.
I don't care if playing you is the only real challenge I get playing Seeker. I'd rather be friends, or ...
October 27
How upset would you actually be if I said I wanted to be so much more than friends with you? Bloody hell, I don't know if you'll even want to be friends.
I think it's going to be one hell of a rude awakening for you when you're back to being 16. I don't know if you'll be willing to give me a chance of at least being friends or if you're just going to hate me even more.
It would probably totally freak you out if I told you that I think I'm actually falling in love with you. Not the four-year-old you, but the sixteen-year-old you.
I talk to you every day. It wasn't my intention when I started this journal, and I'm going to have to figure out how to make a copy and take out all the parts like this before I give it to you. I'm thinking during Christmas break when I have more time, I'll redo it so I can give you a record of your second childhood.
I think it'll make a nice Christmas present, along with a scrapbook of all the pictures that have been taken. By the time Christmas gets here you'll only have a short time left as a four-year-old. The journal and scrapbook is something that I think you'll appreciate at both ages.
Of course, like I said, I still have to figure out how to take out all these incriminating parts. I suppose it'd be a whole lot easier if I just didn't write them or if I started another journal or something. But no one ever accused me of doing things the easy way.
I've just gotten quite comfortable talking to you this way. I know it's probably stupid, but I can't seem to stop myself now. Maybe I'm not really falling in love with you. Maybe I'm just falling in love with some idealized version of you that I've created in my mind.
Heh, not that I've exactly got this idealized image of you. I know perfectly well that even if you didn't have your father hanging over your shoulder you'd still be a vain git who could be a real obnoxious prat at times.
I've listened to Pansy and Blaise especially as they've talked about you. You've let your guard down around your friends. They, along with Crabbe and Goyle, seem to know more about the real you than anyone else.
I admit, I shamelessly listen in as they tell the four-year-old you about yourself. You're a lot nicer than you show the world, but you can still be a real prick sometimes. Of course, those stories are usually the ones Blaise tells me on the side. You're going to be so angry with Blaise, too!
October 29
Sometimes I wonder how I get all my assignments done. I never get enough sleep, training sessions every night, all the time I spend with you and our friends. Hell, all the time I spend writing in this journal.
You know what finally hit me? I haven't had a detention this year. Not a single one. Detentions used to take up a lot of my time, and now I haven't had any. Of course, you could consider it like I've got almost a permanent detention until January. But still ...
October 31
You should have seen your eyes tonight, angel. You were absolutely enchanted with the Halloween feast. I've got pictures and can't wait to see how they turn out. You loved every minute of the celebration tonight.
Well, except for when I told you that you had to limit how much candy you ate. You looked disappointed for just a minute until you got caught up in all the excitement again. Of course, I got a lot of teasing about the bloody candy. Never, ever again.
You could've been kicking, screaming and throwing a royal tantrum and I wouldn't have given in on that one. Not that you do that kind of thing. Seems you didn't become a spoiled brat until later years!
You've still got as much of a sweet tooth though. Crabbe and Goyle told me where you would hide your secret stash of chocolate and sweets in your dorm. Before I started writing tonight I searched the secret compartment in your trunk. Oh gods, Draco! I can't believe all the sweets you've got stashed away. I'm just thanking Merlin that you don't remember that compartment or I'd never keep you down ...
November 1
Last night was bad. Really bad. Seems Halloween really is a bad day for me. Although it was a whole lot worse for others. I had a vision. A bad one. Voldemort decided to send his followers on a last minute raid. Snape somehow managed to pull me out of it about halfway through and we were able to inform Dumbledore, who then got the Order and the Aurors sent.
I'm told they managed to save a lot of lives. But they couldn't save all of them. I haven't been able to stop shaking all day. Everyone keeps telling me it wasn't my fault. My vision actually helped, they keep saying.
So what? People still died. I know because I was forced to watch them die. It was horrible, Draco.
Sorry, got to go. Snape says I have five minutes and if I haven't drank the Dreamless Sleep potion by then he's going to force it down my throat himself ...
November 10
I'm feeling pretty good today. Things are going better. Maybe I'm just handling things better. I don't know. I do know that I wouldn't be doing so well if it wasn't for you. Our friends have been supportive and even Snape's been supportive in his own way.
But if it wasn't for you ... As I know you can tell from everything I've written the last week, I've been able to work through a lot of it. When I go back cutting things out of this journal for you I should probably cut out all the graphic details of that vision though. But writing about it helped me ... kind of get it out of my system.
I've desperately needed to talk to you this week. The journal has helped. I wish you were really here though. I wish you could talk back. I wish you could wrap your arms around me and just hold me. I wish for a lot of things that'll probably never happen.
At least I've had your four-year-old self here to give me regular hugs. And I've needed and appreciated every single one of them. I've had to try to pull myself together for your sake. It's been hard but I've been doing it.
I suppose part of the reason I'm feeling so much better today is because after the vision I had about that Death Eater meeting a couple nights ago, the Aurors and Order members were able to prevent another raid. Snape just informed me a little while ago that no one was hurt and they were even able to capture some of the Death Eaters ...
November 14
I had a really relaxing time tonight. While you were off playing cars with Blaise, I spent the whole time just talking with Crabbe and Goyle. And they actually talked the whole time. It's hard getting them to speak up sometimes. Geez, Draco, you've had well trained thugs all these years. Trained to take orders but keep quiet otherwise.
I've learned that they've always been extra quiet, but don't you think you could have encouraged them to speak up for themselves at least once in awhile? At least now I know that you've always stuck up for them.
This is one of those days when I can't decide to be totally irritated with your behavior or really pleased ...
November 26
Do you realize that we've actually had an entire week without nightmares? For either one of us? Wow, it's amazing to have some normal sleep.
I'm so happy for you. You've come a long ways the last three months. Hard to believe it's been that long already. I'm afraid to think about what's going to happen a little over a month from now.
I want you back to normal, but then I'm going to miss you this way. And then I'm scared that you'll hate me again.
And what about Pansy, Blaise, Crabbe and Goyle? If you hate me again, will they still be my friends? Their loyalty is to you first, Draco, and I've always known that. I'm scared I'm going to lose it all ...
November 30
I'm such an idiot! You agree? Good, because I am. We were all up in the Room of Requirement hanging out today. I'm still the only Gryffindor allowed in the Slytherin dorms and you're still the only Slytherin allowed into Gryffindor, so when we all want to meet up we go to the Room of Requirement like we did today. It's a Saturday and we all took a little time off from studying for the exams that'll be coming up soon.
Yeah, I know I'm stalling. I know you already know about our meeting place. I think I even told you about studying for exams.
Oh, fuck! I let it slip, Draco. They all know now. Our friends all know that I'm gay. They all know that I love you. How could I be so stupid to tell them?
Everyone just got to talking about girls and boys and sex and somehow I let it slip. I didn't want to tell them. I didn't want anyone to know. I'm sure they must all be disgusted with me right now.
Um, I actually don't know for sure. See, I kind of shocked them all, and while they were all still staring at me speechless, I ran. Times like this, it's really nice rooming in Snape's quarters where none of our friends can reach me. Things have been going so good lately, too. Why'd I have to be so stupid ...
December 1
Still think I'm an idiot? Good, because I do, too. Snape forced me to go to lunch where I had to face everyone and they dragged me back up to the Room of Requirement, where I promptly got told off for not having more faith in my friends.
Although I guess my fears had some merit, because from what I understand Hermione spent hours talking to Ron about it all last night. He didn't have a problem with me being gay I don't think, but he thinks I'm a bloody fool for falling in love with you.
Maybe I am. I still don't know what's going to happen a month from now ...
December 4
I can't believe how much things have changed between me and Snape. Can you believe he actually said today that I can call him Severus when we're in his chambers? Course, I call him Severus half the time here anyway, but that's only because of your younger self. It's different now.
He seems to have gotten over whatever issues and his ambivalences towards me. Maybe I've just been able to finally prove myself to him. I think he might even actually respect me now. We've been getting along better and better as time has wore on, and it's actually kind of nice now.
He finally asked me about this journal today. I guess because I felt comfortable enough to actually bring it out into the sitting room to write for once. Normally, I only keep it in our room and never write anywhere else. In fact, only you and Snape even know that I write in it.
He gave me that damnable quirked eyebrow look when I told him I'd been writing to you since the beginning of the year, but he seemed to think it was a good idea when I told him I was going to rework it over holidays so I could give it to you for Christmas.
Most of the time things are pretty peaceable with Snape now. He definitely still has his moods though and training sessions still absolutely suck ...
December 6
Do you know how adorable you are, Draco? No matter what happens next month, I'm still always going to have this time with you as my little angel. That fact alone is probably enough to make you want to gag, but I don't care.
I love bedtime. When you're in your footie pajamas and all sweet smelling from the bath. You and Wuffle snuggle up with me under your soft blanket and we read quietly. You're just so adorable and sweet and innocent.
It's a little bittersweet though. I'd be even happier, I think, if you were back to normal and you were wearing some of your silk pajamas all snuggled up in bed with me. Actually, you can just leave off the silk pajamas.
I don't know if Blaise was trying to do me a favor or if he was trying to torture me, but he finally told me you had a photo album in one of your trunks. Let's just say I found the pictures. It's not like you're naked in them or anything, but oh gods, Draco. Do you know how hot you are? Yeah, I know, we've already long established the fact that you know.
I've been picturing you in my mind, but it was still quite a slam to see those photos. I still miss you, you bloody git ...
December 7
I don't know why I didn't think to ask for pictures of you earlier. You're fascinated with pictures of yourself. Ha! No big surprise there! Actually I just meant the four-year-old you is fascinated with what you'll look like at 16.
Merlin, I'm getting tired of referring to you as two different people almost. You're the same and yet not the same and it's getting bloody confusing sometimes.
I think you're becoming a little anxious about turning back, too. It's both a good and a bad feeling and it's coming closer to the time ...
Malfoy's Child - Chapter 16
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