Third Place - Angst

Winter Holidays were a few days away. Harry sat in his room and looked at his scarf for Ron. It was pitiful. Harry was not skilled with knitting needles. There were holes in the wrong spots and it seemed to twist in on itself. Sighing, Harry tossed it over onto his trunk. He would have to go into Hogsmeade and buy something instead. He wanted to get something for Hermione and Hagrid too. Harry peered at his closed door. He also wanted to get something for Lydia. She was a really nice person if a bit strange for liking Snape. But what was he going to get her? Chewing on his bottom lip, Harry cautiously went to the door and poked his head out.

Snape sat on his sofa, reading a book. Harry watched for a moment trying to screw up enough courage to talk to the sullen man.

"What, Potter?" Snape snapped.

Gathering up his courage, Harry stepped out and shut the door behind him. He leaned back on the wood and spoke.

"I was wondering, sir, if you could give me advice on a nice gift for Lydia."

The book snapped shut and dark eyes peered at him. "What are you yammering on about, Potter?"

"A gift, sir. It is almost the holidays and I want to get Lydia something. She's been very nice to me."

"She is nice to most people, more fool her."

"Well I'd still like to get her something but I'm not really sure what she'd like." Harry suddenly wished he had just picked up some perfume or something and not started this conversation. Snape stared at him some more and Harry really just wanted to go back into his room.

"She enjoys gardening," Snape suddenly said. Harry blinked.

"Gardening?"

"Yes, Potter. Have you been struck deaf? Gardening. She enjoys growing potted plants."

"Oh, thank you." Harry thought of something. "Does she grow you things, sir? You know, for your potions and such?"

"Why does that concern you in the least?" Snape snapped.

"Well, I just thought that that might be something that she would do. And then I could get her some seeds for a potion for you." Harry felt really dumb. This was stupid. Snape was just going to snipe at him and then he and that Logan would probably make fun of him when Lydia opened her present.

Snape's eyes were narrowed on him. "Hmm, yes. She does occasionally grow ingredients that I require."

"Oh good. Well, than that will help me." Harry stood still.

"Was there something more, Potter?" Snape drawled nastily. Harry wished that just once Snape would talk to him like a human and not a piece of pond scum.

"I thought you liked boys." Harry's eyes went wide as he realized that that statement had come out of his own mouth. He wanted to rip his tongue out in that moment. What on earth had possessed him to say that? He gulped and carefully watched Snape, waiting for a strike.

Snape's eyes flared in anger. "That is completely inappropriate, Potter, and none of your business."

"Well, you did have me," Harry said before he could shut his mouth. Oh Merlin, Snape was going to kill him. Why was he acting like this? Sheer boredom? Was Hermione right and he was just trying to get a rise out of Snape like he could with Draco?

Snape's fingers went white as he gripped his book tighter and tighter. "The fact that I had you has no bearing on anything. If this is your way of trying to initiate something, you are going to be sadly disappointed. I wouldn't touch you if you had the cure for old age in your pocket."

"Because I'm a student or because you don't like me?" Harry asked belligerently. Harry started to feel all the anger he had been bottling up start to foam to the top. He realized that he was itching for a fight. And who better to fight with then the author of most of his bad moods?

"Take your pick!" Snape snarled.

"Or is it because you don't want Lydia and that jerk Logan to know that you like boys? Young, barely legal boys." Harry said scathingly.

Silver streaks appeared like fire on Snape's cheekbones as he stood up in a rush and threw the book. "You nasty mouthed little cur! I obviously made a mistake in thinking that you actually required help in any way!"

"Why did you change your mind?" Harry stepped away from the door, fists clenched. "It's not because of a change of heart because we all know you don't have one! So why bother with me? You don't want me. You don't even need me. You seem to be doing quite well with your harem! And you certainly want nothing to do with the whelp in my belly! So why, Snape, did you even bother?"

Snape and Harry had both come towards each other in anger and stopped a mere meter apart. Harry could feel Snape's anger beating at him in waves and it cleared his mind enough to realize how dangerous this was. He was risking so much with this show of defiance and anger. Just as he started to take a step back, Snape's hands came out and grabbed him by the shoulders. They clawed into his flesh and forced him down to his knees. Harry cried out in pain as his knees hit the stone and his shoulders were gripped even more harshly.

Snape leaned down but Harry kept his eyes on the floor.

"You are very fortunate that I can smell what you are doing, Potter!" The potion master's voice was filled with malice and Harry shivered in fear. "I will let this show of stupidity go in deference to your obviously disturbed and hormone filled mind. But challenge me again, and I shall make it painfully clear who exactly is dominant here!" Snape let his hands relax but kept Harry on the floor. "If you are desperate in your sexual frustration, I suggest that you go find someone else to help you with that. For I can not stand the smell of you!"

Snape pushed and Harry found himself on his back. As Snape made to walk out of the room, Harry grabbed at the black robe that floated over his face and held tight. Snape snarled and swung back around. The force of the tug on his robe brought Harry into a sitting position and he held on for all he was worth.

"Very well," Snape snapped. He lunged forward and grabbed Harry's upper arms. He dragged Harry into the boy's room and pushed him onto the bed. Harry still would not give up his hold on the robe. He held tight, his eyes squeezed shut in preparation for any blows. Suddenly, Harry felt himself wrapped in the blanket from his bed. He was wrapped snugly and strong arms came about him and held him from behind. Harry's entire body was tense; he waited for the pillow to come over his face now that he was completely incapacitated.

"You are a fool, Potter, You never know when to stop. You would poke a sleeping dragon with a stick," Snape hissed. But no pillow descended in an attempt to suffocate, no blows rained down. Snape just held him against a strong chest. Harry was so confused and then, of all horrors, began to cry. Snape held him as Harry began to silently shake and sob.

"I'm sorry. I don't know why I am doing this, any of this," Harry managed to get out.

Snape huffed. "Because you are an idiot. And because you have decided to give up. Again."

Harry shook his head vehemently. "No, I haven't. I would never." He released another sob. "I don't even know what you're talking about."

"You are obviously suffering from lack of companionship. For some of which I will take the blame. I should have allowed some touch between us. You are craving it," Snape muttered.

"No, I'm sorry for what I said. I-I don't really want to be part of your harem. I mean, if that was what you wanted I would-,"

"Shut up, Potter. I said touch, not sex."

Harry put his head down and sobbed, "I don't understand!"

Snape brought one arm up and Harry flinched. The potion master drew a long suffering sigh and pushed his hand into the cocoon of blanket and under Harry's shirt before letting it rest on the younger man's chest. Harry instantly began to feel calmer and his rapid sobbing and hiccupping slowed down until only tears fell softly down his cheeks.

"Touch, Potter. You required touch. Mostly from Draco or I, but anyone's would have helped. You have withdrawn in on yourself. Pulled away in a pout."

"I wasn't pouting," Harry argued quietly.

"No? Then you have decided the rest of the school is now unworthy of your attention?"

"No! They were the ones that decided that I was unworthy. Not worth talking to or even looking at."

"Mmmm hmm, and that is new or different because?" Snape moved his hand to another spot on Harry's chest. "I seem to recall a rather spectacular display on a table that seemed to show how very idiotic the student body had become, or rather, proven them to be. Apparently you have forgotten and in your pout have made sure to withdraw from everybody, including your so-called best friends."

Harry sat calmly, with only the occasional tear rolling down his cheek and thought about what Snape was saying. "I didn't mean to give up. I just, I just felt..." Harry sighed. "I don't know."

"You do. You just wish to pretend that you don't. It's ridiculous. You are obviously angry and suffering from melancholy."

"I just don't understand any of this!" Harry burst out. "I picked a fight with you. It was stupid and out of nowhere and I don't know why I did it. I was just, all of a sudden, really angry and I wanted to hurt you. Really hurt you or somebody." Harry looked up at the wall. "I don't know why I did it," he whispered.

"Yes you do," Snape said again.

"No I don't! I don't know anything other than nobody wants me anymore," Harry snapped. "Hermione and Ron, I know they care about me. But, it's not as if they really really need me. I love them and I would die for them. But, once school is over they will go off and become good strong people with careers and a family. I hated what I was destined to do. I wanted to help but I hated that responsibility, but now, no one needs me. I'm free to live my life, but then I get sacked with this, this, heritage thing. I should be studying to make something of my life. To be getting ready to join the big wide world. But I can't, can I?"

"And what exactly is stopping you then?"

"What?" Harry cried out, struggling vainly in the blanket. "Look at what I am! I'm not even a top dog! I'm the bitch, the breeder, the sub! My life consists of being afraid and being happy to please! And not only that, but I have to be the bottom for the two people that could not possibly hate me more! Oh, wait, I take that back. I guess I should be lucky that I dodged the bullet that Lucius Malfoy could be a Supero too! I bet he hates that!"

"Actually, he does. I'm surprised at your ability of observation."

"Now look where I am!" Harry continued ignoring Snape's words. "No one wants me. I'm a freak to everyone at school, to the whole world. They distrust and pity me. But I thought it was okay when Draco... when Draco and I seemed to be getting on. But no! I had to again be a freak and that stupid potion didn't work and now I've got this thing in me that I should have gotten rid of! You see me as a burden and I'm back to living in a cupboard!" Harry stopped and looked down with heartbroken eyes. "A cupboard. I'm again just a freaky burden put away in a cupboard," he whispered. "At least with Draco, he seemed to want me. Maybe it was for the wrong things, like Hermione says. But I'd rather be wanted than ignored." Harry buried his face in his knees and let the tears fall as they would. Suddenly the arm around him tightened harshly and Harry gave an involuntary yelp.

"Well, it is certainly reassuring to see your diva complex is still strong," Snape said harshly. "Poor Potter is no longer the apple in everyone's eye, is that it?"

"No!" Harry shouted angrily, struggling again to free himself of the blanket. "That's not it!"

"Oh, but it is! You say you are not needed or wanted? Well, of course not! Who would have use of a melodramatic, moping, woe-is-me, mess as yourself? What have you got to offer anyone, hmm? Tears? The need to pity you?"

"No! I don't want anyone's pity!"

"No, of course not. That is why you have decided to whither away and lick your phantom wounds in the dark. You are pathetic, Potter. You want to be needed? Than make yourself needed!"

"And how am I supposed to do that?" Harry shouted, still trying to turn around and face his enemy. "What on earth do I have anymore that anyone needs?" Suddenly the hand on his chest withdrew and Harry was free of the blanket. He threw it off him and faced Snape who was now standing in the doorway.

"That is for you to figure out, Potter," he smirked. "And yes, for your edification, I am very happy and settled with my 'harem'. And no, you shall not be joining it, but I will endeavor to touch you upon occasion so that we may trick your subicio aspects into believing you are safely controlled by a Supero."

"I don't need anybody's control over me!" Harry shouted. Snape merely raised an eyebrow.

"Are you so sure? I do believe you have regained a bit of color in your cheeks and a light in your eyes, Potter." With that, Snape walked out and a moment later, Harry heard the chamber door close.

For the next few minutes Harry's blanket and sheets were thrown about the room as he had a wonderful tantrum. How dare Snape say that to him? How dare he say that Harry was a diva without an audience? That he was pouting? How dare Snape tell him to make himself needed?

Harry put his pillow down from where he was beating his bed with it and sat down with a violent sigh. Snape was right. He had been angry, hurt and had begun to pout. And he did feel better since Snape had touched him. So maybe it wasn't all pouting. Harry pushed at some hair that had fallen in his eyes during his fit. His room was destroyed, but luckily there wasn't much in here. Maybe he had just needed a release of emotions? Maybe it was the baby that was making him...

Harry slapped the bed with his palms as he stood up in a rush. Forget all this 'maybe' stuff! Why had he just let Hermione keep all the books on the Indago, on his own race? It was time that Harry actually became proactive in all of this. It was his body doing strange things and there was information out there. He needed to go get it!

Harry stomped out of the room and was soon on his way to Gryffindor Tower. As he passed other students in the halls, Harry made a point of smiling and calling out a cheery hello. If they wanted to snub him, well, they'd have to do so on their own. He wasn't going to oblige and slink about. But to his surprise, many of them called back a hesitant greeting or waved quietly.

"Hello, Harry."

Harry looked up as he came through the Fat Lady's portrait. Neville was standing near the fireplace. He and a few other younger years were the only occupants of the common room.

"Hi, Neville," Harry called back. "Is Hermione here?"

"Think she's up in her room. Her and Ron are arguing again." Neville turned toward a second year girl and nicely asked if she would get Hermione. The girl smiled shyly at Harry and trotted up the stairs. Only a moment later, Hermione was at the top of the steps.

"Hey, Hermione," Harry called up, "Could you get those books for me on your way down?" Hermione nodded and in only a few more moments, Hermione had joined Harry and Neville by the fireplace.

"Hi Harry, you seem to be in a better mood," Hermione said as she handed the books over. Harry smiled.

"I am. Did you know that I have to be touched a lot right now?"

Hermione shook her head, a crease in her brow. "No, I wasn't aware of that. I didn't see anything in the books about that at all. Are you sure?"

"Yep. I'm sure. Anyways, say hello to Ron for me," Harry said, then turned to Neville. With a huge grin he gave his shy friend a hug. Neville's eyes widened but he quickly returned the gesture. Harry pulled away and laughed.

"Thank you, Neville. I never tell you enough how much I really am grateful that you are my friend."

Neville blushed and looked down. "Ah, well, Harry. Thanks. But you don't have to."

"Yes, I do. I'm now done with my pout and I shall be off," Harry turned but was quickly turned back. Hermione had a strange expression on her face, a cross between confusion, happiness, and worry. Only Hermione could pull that look off, Harry thought.

"Harry, are you sure you're okay? You're acting very oddly." Hermione's eyes widened. "You haven't been drinking have you?" Harry laughed.

"Nope, just figuring things out. I'll get the books back to you as soon as I'm done."

"Well, they are yours Harry. So no rush." Harry nodded, wished them all a good evening and traveled back down through the castle to his little cubby in the dungeon. Harry shut his door and realized that this would actually be a really cozy place, he just need some soft things that would... Harry bit his lip. Okay, well maybe he would just start off with some Quidditch posters.

Indago - Chapter 49

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