First Place - Angst

I drove for I don’t know how long, and by the time I stopped the car and pulled over, I’d driven halfway up the mountain. I was certain I hadn’t been followed which I was both saddened by and grateful for. I wasn’t sure what I would’ve said to Remus or Severus had I been confronted with them.

I just didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want to think of what I was capable of because in that moment my heart was shattering. I’d told him no. Remus had said yes but I said no. I did admit that I wanted it but there would have never been a choice. Not for me. Remus was my all.

I thought I was his. I had felt guilty because I thought Remus was caught unawares and I had been wrong. That was the most painful part of it all.

I was never good enough. I never would be good enough, not for Severus and not for Remus.

I don’t remember how long I sat there, outside in the desert mountain, overlooking a large cliff. I could see the city below me, the small twinkling lights appearing as the sun began to set in earnest, the sky turning a faint purple colour. The stars began to peek out, the brightest coming out first and the rest appearing with the full moon.

The air began to cool off rapidly and eventually I realised I was shivering and needed to come up with a plan. It wasn’t that I didn’t have a place to go. I still had my flat with Tonks and if anyone would understand and sympathise, it was her. Still, recounting the events I’d just witnessed was to admit it happened.

I was shaking from my emotions as well as the cold when I finally got back into my car and started back into the city. The road took me directly past Remus’ house and I could see that his car was missing. It was likely he was either out looking for me or out looking for a sympathetic ear. Or perhaps a peaceful place to drink and ponder his choice.

And that was another thing. Was I willing to let there be a choice? Was I willing to accept Remus back after that? I couldn’t be too judgemental. In the heat of that one moment I wanted Severus as well, but I pushed him away. I never let my love for Remus waver. Not once.

I couldn’t be sure that Remus’ love for me was less than his want for Severus, but it was clear to me from what I’d seen that he was considering Severus. And that was the painful part. Severus had taken a huge part of my trust. Such a huge part that I’d still been unable to open up to Remus.

Remus didn’t know about Draco, he didn’t know about my father or the details of my relationship with Severus. Remus knew the bare basics of me. That was it.

It was all because I’d opened up to Severus and had my dreams of love and contentment shattered by those small words, “It was a mistake.”

I couldn’t handle being Remus’ mistake either and I was frightened. Pulling up to my flat, I saw Tonks’ car was missing from the street so I headed upstairs, lit the lamps, pulled my thin blanket round my shoulders and attempted to wait for her on the sofa.

The emotional trauma of the night caused my body to tire out so quickly that by the time she got home, I was asleep.

When I woke, it was morning already and I found Tonks in the kitchen preparing a rather large breakfast. Emotionally broken, my stomach was too tense to handle food and I accepted only the offered tea.

“So do you want to tell me now or do you want to play twenty questions?” she asked as she tipped the eggs and toast onto her plate.

I sighed into my cup and took a long drink. “Remus and I split up.”

“I gathered that,” she said. She hesitated a moment, her face troubled as she sat down across from me. “He was here last night.”

My eyes widened. “What?”

“Long before you got home,” she said. “He and I went down to the café and had a short chat.”

“What did he say?” I demanded, my insides clenching worse than they already were.

“He was very worried when he saw you hadn’t come here first,” she said almost timidly. “He said you overheard a conversation between him and Severus.” Tonks sighed and took a drink of her juice before continuing. “You see, at first I thought it was because of the other night. Then he just sort of broke down and started crying and apologising. I realised it wasn’t you who’d fucked it up. I was sympathetic to him, I hope you’re not angry with me.”

I shook my head dumbly, unable to respond verbally.

“I was angry with him, mind, but he was crying and I couldn’t stand to see him so hurt.”

“Did you tell him about my incident with Severus?” I asked in a dead tone.

“No. I thought you should do that yourself.”

“Did he say why?” I demanded, now sounding slightly angry. “Did he give any sort of excuse?”

“None, except that he wasn’t thinking. He said he felt stupid for what you saw and he didn’t mean it.”

I shook my head and gave a bitter laugh. “Didn’t mean it.”

“You aren’t totally innocent in this either, Harry,” she pointed out. It stung, and she was right. “You and Remus were in the same position. I don’t think Remus knows about you and Severus, but you know about him and Severus. You ought to be mad at Severus for playing on both your and Remus’ past with him. Severus knew damn well what he was doing, Harry.”

“But…” I said and replayed Remus’ words in my head. He had to think about it. I didn’t. I just wanted to get away from Severus, but Remus needed to think about it. “He doesn’t love me enough, Tonks,” I said miserably. “I’m not enough for him.”

“What is it about this Snape, guy?” Tonks hissed angrily. “Honestly. You and Remus are both great and worth so much more than this asshole. Please Harry, at least talk to Remus.”

But I couldn’t. I ignored every single phone call for the next two weeks. I avoided the University as best I could and refused to pass along or hear any messages from Tonks. I wasn’t about to walk into this blindly.

I wasn’t going to forgive Remus unless I figured out what I really wanted from him. It wasn’t just the Snape thing, in the end. It was the fact that Remus was the source of my happiness and I couldn’t deal with that.

I needed to start fresh with him. I couldn’t walk into the relationship again until Remus knew the proper me. Until he knew what I’d done, how I’d felt. Knew my father, knew the Snape that I did, knew about my first love and my last.

After the third week I found myself missing Remus and going out of my mind with not knowing. Because I’d been avoiding Remus so thoroughly, I didn’t know whether he and Severus had decided to get back together. I didn’t know if he knew what Severus had said to me or if Severus had finally gone.

Remus and I had been together far too long for me to walk away like that. It wasn’t fair to either of us. So, plucking up the courage, I picked up my mobile and dialled Remus’ number.

He answered immediately, his voice sounding almost hysterical when he answered with, “Harry? Is that you?”

“It’s me,” I said, my stomach churning rather unpleasantly.

“Uhm… well… how are you?” he said, stumbling over his words.

“I’m getting along,” I said and then took a deep breath. “I think you and I need to talk.”

“Harry listen, I know what you overheard was hurtful. I can’t take back the words but I’m so sorry and I…”

“Wait,” I said sharply, silencing him. “I don’t want to do this over the phone. There are more issues here than what I saw between you and Snape.”

“I had a feeling there were,” Remus said with a small sigh. “Mon dieu, Harry, are we going to get past this?”

“I can’t answer that now,” I said honestly. “When can you meet me?”

“Now, later, whenever. I’ll make any time for you, Harry. I can’t take your absence.”

“Is he… are you and he…” I blurted, desperate to know yet desperate to push the thought out of my head.

“He and I aren’t anything, Harry. I promise you that.”

“Is he still there?”

“He is,” Remus admitted hesitantly. I had to give him credit for being honest with me in that moment, despite the anger it brought up in me.

“Tonight at six. I’d prefer it to be here at my flat,” I said. “I want to be able to talk alone.”

“I’ll be there,” he vowed.

“See you then.” And not allowing him to say anything more, I rang off. Now all I had to do was wait.

Remus arrived ten minutes early, though that wasn’t unexpected. I was ready for him, with tea and steeled nerves. I was prepared to see him teary-eyed or angry or calm. I was prepared for anything.

I was even prepared for the pain it caused me when I first saw him again and for how much I longed to just wrap my arms round him, bury my face in the side of his neck and never move again.

Remus gave me a slightly pained smile as he took a seat in the chair and accepted the tea. We sat in a tense silence for several moments before I began.

“I’m not sure what Snape told you about me, but I want to make sure everything is out in the open.”

“Do you mean about your past?” he asked with a bemused frown.

“No,” I said. “Severus knows more than anyone concerning my past, but I don’t think he would have divulged any of that information.”

“He hasn’t,” Remus said, looking slightly hurt.

“I was referring to the other night, when you were at the late meeting,” I confessed. “Severus and I had been drinking and talking.” I slowly recounted every moment that Severus had spent in each other’s company and when I finished I looked directly into Remus’ pained eyes.

“So he… you and he…”

“We didn’t do anything more than what I saw the two of you doing. Though my reaction was slightly different,” I said icily.

Remus visibly winced at that, but didn’t deny anything. “He didn’t mean what he said to me.”

“Does it matter?” I asked.

Remus sighed. “Not really. I thought, for that moment he was speaking to me like he had once, that it would matter. That perhaps I was passing up something great. But then I saw your face, the pain in your eyes for that split second and I knew that all I wanted was you.”

“I knew that without seeing you,” I said. “Do you love me enough, Remus?”

Remus nodded firmly and his hand twitched as though he wanted to touch me. “More than enough. I’m sure of it. I’ve never been more sorry, Harry. Considering someone other than you was my greatest mistake and I will spend the rest of my life trying to make sure I never do it again.”

My heart gave a great lurch. He used similar words Severus had, yet they held so much more meaning. Severus didn’t really feel sorry for letting me go. I didn’t know why Severus had decided to try his luck with us both, but I knew Remus had chosen me.

“There’s more, Remus. Much more, before you decide what you want of me.”

“Before I decide?”

I nodded, took a deep breath and began the tale of my life. It was odd how short a time it took to tell him everything. I spared no remembered detail when I explained the tension between my father and me. I told him about the relationship with Draco, the break up, the death of my godfather and my relationship with Severus. I told him all.

I told him exactly why I didn’t let him into my past before, why I was terrified in that moment and how frightened of myself I was.

Remus waited for several moments after I’d stopped talking. “And you think I would turn you down after hearing this?”

“I thought you might not want to be with me,” I confessed.

Remus shook his head. “This isn’t my choice, Harry. My choice has nothing to do with your past. I accept you for who you are. But you, Harry, you need to make the decision. I won’t lie to you. I had considered Severus. I realise now what he was doing but I won’t deny that I wanted him.”

Only part of me actually wanted to hear that confession. Only part of me really wanted to know the truth and it was just as painful as I thought it would have been. My eyes burned with unshed tears and I had to turn away from him. “Why am I not good enough?”

“You are,” he stressed. “I just didn’t…”

“What?” I said, turning my eyes back to him. “You didn’t remember? You didn’t think? Not when he was touching you and promising you all the things you’d wanted from him before you left. Not when he could offer a thousand things that I can’t.” My voice had taken on a note of desperation, but I couldn’t help it. I just wanted for once, someone who wanted only me. Only me.

“Harry,” Remus begged.

I shook my head. “I can’t do this right now. I need to think.”

“My heart is with you Harry, no matter which route you choose. It will always be with you.” Remus stood and walked toward the door.

Before he left, I stood up and asked him what I was dying to know. “Remus, if I turn away from us, will you go back to him?”

Remus bowed his head. He took in a deep breath that I couldn’t hear and finally looked me in the eye. “How could I?” And with that, he was gone.

Long after Remus had left, my tears would not fall. Eventually I went to bed, feeling more hollow and more empty than I had in a long time. Remus’ face floated at the surface of my mind but lurking just beyond his kind eyes was another face. Severus Snape.

When I woke in the morning I knew exactly what I had to do.

I knew Severus was free the next morning while Remus was at his office. I wasn’t sure if I was going to catch Severus but I made it a point to arrive early.

Using my key, I slipped into the house and looked round until I spotted Severus out in the back garden enjoying his morning coffee.

I made no attempt to conceal my presence as I slipped outside and I fixed him with cold eyes. Severus set down his coffee and rose to greet me, a small smirk playing with his lips.

“What are you playing at, Severus?” I demanded as I approached him.

“I can’t expect someone of your age to understand what I’m doing,” Severus said with a shrug.

He meant the words to sting, another blow at my age as though it made me inferior. It wasn’t working. “If you planned to cause this sort of upset, you’ve done a fine job. What I don’t understand is why? Why tell me these things, why tell him? Do you want me to continue to pine for you?”

“That was never my intention,” he said in a strangely quiet tone.

“What was your intention?” I hissed, my anger almost boiling over.

Severus let out a small sigh and then without warning, he took my face between his long, soft fingers and looked me directly in the eye. “Because he was the next best thing, Harry. You turned me down. The rejection was plain and I couldn’t bear it. I wanted something, Harry, and next to you, he is the only thing I could tolerate.”

I shivered under his intense gaze and didn’t make a move to stop him when Severus leant in very slowly, and kissed me. His lips were pliant, soft and warm as they had always been. But the kiss was empty.

Perhaps once upon a time I would have believed passion was in that kiss, but now, at this point in my life, I could see that passion was Severus’ greatest pretend. I could feel it behind his prodding tongue and in the fingers that were pressing into my cheeks.

Eventually Severus pulled away and looked at me. His eyes were dead. He knew that I knew. “Why?” I whispered.

Severus turned his face away for a moment. “You’ll never understand.”

I took a step back and gave him a small smile. Perhaps not, I signed when he looked back at me. I’ve never been afraid to love, Severus. You’ve always been afraid.

It was the oddest thing. As I signed the words, as I thought the words, I understood them.

You know nothing, Severus signed back hastily.

“I know enough,” I said and sighed. “Remus is mine, Severus, and I’m his. This mysterious lover of yours… he can belong to you but you’ll have to let him.”

A sudden cold glint flashed in Severus’ eyes and his mouth moved into his usual smirk. “Did you tell your precious lover of your past yet?”

I nodded. “He knows. The choice is mine now, Severus.”

“Because of me,” Severus said evilly. “Because he wanted me.”

“But I wanted you too, and he knows that as well. It’s not really a choice, Severus. It never was and I think I need to remind him of that.”

More sated in the soul than I had ever been, I walked back toward the house and left, not once looking back.

The hours that passed seemed like an eternity as I waited for Remus’ classes to end. He had a strict routine, which really worked for me. Classes from nine to noon and then two hours in his office marking papers.

I waited until a little past noon before venturing up to the office and found the door closed. I could see movement beyond the small curtain blocking the window and I entered without knocking.

Remus looked rather pale and quite surprised to see me as I stepped in the small room and locked the door behind me.

“Harry,” he said and pushed out the second chair for me to sit in.

I smiled at him gently, hoping to convey contentment in my expression. “How were your classes?”

“Well enough,” he said slowly.

Leaning forward on my knees, I clasped my hands under my chin and looked him directly in the eye. “I went to your house this morning.”

“I had early classes,” he said with a frown.

“I know. I went to see Severus.”

Remus’ eyes widened and a small flicker of pain flashed through them. “I see.”

“I needed to know something, Remus. I needed to know what he meant by it all. I wanted to know whether he was sincere or if he was just trying to cause discord in our lives.”

“And?” he pressed.

“And I don’t think he even knows.” I sighed and reached out for his hand, which he gave me happily. “It was never a choice,” I said, repeating my previous words.

“Harry,” Remus whispered.

I smiled again, feeling tears prickle in my eyes again and this time I allowed a few to fall as I drew him up and fell into his warm embrace. “I’m sorry Remus, I just needed to understand a few things. I was lost and hurt, but it was never a choice. Not really.”

Remus ran his fingers into my hair and pressed a kiss to the top of my head. “I love you, Harry.”

“I love you too,” I said and lifted my face for a kiss.

This time the lips on mine were warm and the passion was so real it made my head spin. My hands latched onto his shoulders for support as he pressed me up against the wall and held me with such intensity, as though I’d disappear if he let me go for even an instant.

I felt much the same.

His arms were what I had been craving over the long weeks I’d shut him out of my life and I realised the mistake I’d made. But it was easy to remedy that.

Before I could think properly, Remus and I were lying in my flat, wrapped round each other in my bed. Remus never seemed more with me in that moment and I knew I was utterly with him. The moment couldn’t be described as perfect. Hell, was anything ever perfect? But Remus was as close to perfection as I could possibly get.

I no longer felt like a mistake, I no longer felt as though I was a choice. When Remus looked into my eyes as he slid inside of me and palmed my cheek, I knew that it was forever. Those words Draco had once spoken to me of eternity love and forevers finally rang true in my head.

I loved Remus and couldn’t be more content.

After a bit of time just being, Remus and I agreed that we should take things as they were. Severus was there, we could both deal with that. Severus knew the truth and I knew he wasn’t a stupid man. I knew he wasn’t exactly a respectful man, but he was intelligent enough to know he’d lost.

A week after we tried to settle back into a routine, Severus announced that his lover was finally making an appearance and they’d be renting a flat near to the campus for the remainder of the term and longer depending on Severus’ work there.

I didn’t know what to think of it all, but I was happy for the distraction. Remus and I agreed to prepare a dinner for the couple after Severus went to pick up the mystery man and we decided to be good sports and make something that tasted good.

Enjoying the company of just Remus in the house, we made time for a quick go in the shower before Severus returned. Sated in many ways, I finished putting out the food as Remus took care of everything else.

I thought I would have been nervous about the moment but when the headlamps of Severus’ hire car flashed in the window, I was more relieved than anything. Severus finally had his, here, with him. Remus and I could finally break away from it all and just be us.

Reaching out for Remus’ hand, I pulled my lover in for a kiss. “I love you,” I murmured against his lips.

“Love you, Harry,” he whispered back.

I could feel the words more than I could hear them but they were just what I needed. I would never get tired of having them repeated back to me, never tire of knowing that my love was returned.

As Remus and I waited in the kitchen with the wine and the food, the front door opened and shut. I could hear the murmur of voices in the lounge though I couldn’t make out much more than a tone. There was a long pause and eventually Severus appeared in the doorway.

Then, surprising me to the point of speechlessness, Severus stepped aside and allowed his lover through. Draco Malfoy.

His grey eyes met mine and he looked as shocked to see me as I was to see him. “What?” he demanded of Severus. “He’s here?”

My hand fumbled for Remus’ as I backed into my lover’s arms. “Is this a joke?” I spat.

Draco’s shock turned into a smirk. “Is what a joke? That I’m enough man for your ex-lover?”

My eyes narrowed but before I could speak, Severus stepped in. “Harry, I believe you remember Draco.”

Remus’ grip on me tightened. “Draco Malfoy?”

I gave a feeble nod. “Yes.”

Draco looked up at Severus. “The company you’ve been keeping Severus, honestly.”

“Didn’t have much choice Draco,” Severus replied.

Remus released my arm and took a step forward. “I can’t believe you brought him here,” he hissed at Severus.

“Potter is the one who ought to be embarrassed,” Draco sneered. “He’s the one who nearly killed me.”

My face reddened but I didn’t make a move to defend myself. Draco spoke the truth. But that wasn’t the shocking thing. The fact that Severus had chosen Draco to be his lover, to be his one. Of all people… of all people in the world, Severus had chosen that one.

I had been their mistake and they found contentment with each other.

Before I could process the entirety of the situation, Remus had taken Severus and Draco into the other room and asked them to leave. Neither of them put up any sort of fight and before long, Remus had me sitting on the sofa, sipping on glass of wine to calm my nerves.

“I’m sorry you had to see that, Harry,” Remus whispered, kissing my face all over.

I shook my head. “It’s not that Remus. It’s just… of all people… of all people…”

“I understand,” Remus said, brushing my fringe away from my face. “I know.”

“I never expected life to be fair. I never expected Severus to love me or pine away for a love lost. Even when he started this whole nonsense with us, I knew it was fake. But this… I just don’t understand it.”

“Perhaps there is no real way to understand it,” Remus ventured. “Perhaps it just is what it is.” Remus let out a small breath, took my face in his hands and made me look at him. His fingers were warm and sent a wave of comfort rushing through me. “Does it matter, Harry? Does it matter whether Severus’ life is fair to you?”

I looked into his soft amber eyes and right then knew the truth. I loved him and all that mattered was him. All that existed to me right then was him. “No,” I whispered and meant it.