First Place - Angst

As I stepped outside I found that the walk to the car was too long. My legs had grown immediately weary and the furthest I could go was to the small swaying bench. Steadying myself with one foot, I drew my other leg to my chest, resting my chin on my knee.

Severus. Severus. Severus.

The name wouldn�t stop repeating in my head, his face wouldn�t stop haunting me. I could feel his presence, looming, ominous, sucking the happiness from my life as he had done just before I left.

And here he was again. Putting a hand over my face, my previous thought came back to me. I was set to meet Remus� Severus. Oh the irony of that moment was overwhelming.

I could hardly believe any of it. I found I wasn�t sad or angry. The emotions were too confusing for me to decide exactly what I was. Except that I was alone. Remus was still inside with Severus. With his former lover. With the man he couldn�t get over the same as I couldn�t get over.

Oh we were so fucked.

And then another thought came back to me. Remus had mentioned a lover. Severus had moved on and gotten another lover. One he deemed worthy to bring along on this trip. One that would last the better part of the term. What if that person made Severus fall in love, or feel love, or believe in it? This person who could make Severus feel what I could never make him feel. What Remus could never make him feel.

When I felt a warm hand fall on my shoulder, I started. I hadn�t heard anyone come outside and I jumped as I gazed up into the troubled face of Remus.

�I�� he said and hesitated, easing himself down next to me. �Harry I�m sorry.�

�Did you know?� I asked miserably.

�Of course not. Do you think I would�ve brought you here unawares if I�d known?�

I gave a feeble shrug. �You obviously know now.�

Remus gave a short nod. �He explained it. Some of it. I took it upon myself to assume Severus is the one. The one as he is my one.�

I gave a bitter laugh. �The coincidences of our past lovers are no longer so strange.�

�It seems not.� Remus shook his head and gently reached out to trace the outside of my ear, a favourite habit of his. �Do you want me to drive you home?�

�I don�t know,� I confessed. �I don�t know what I�m feeling.�

�Then we are much the same tonight,� Remus said and pressed a kiss to the side of my face.

The attention he was showing me was comforting in that troubling moment and I thought for a short while that things really would be okay between us.

�Did he know, Remus? Did you tell him who I was?�

Remus shook his head. �I just didn�t think. Didn�t think to mention his name with you, either.�

I toyed with the laces on my trainer absently as I thought. �What do we do now? I mean, he�s going to be staying with you and he was your� well� you know. What does this mean for us?�

Remus wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me against him. �This means nothing more than it meant before you knew who he was, Harry. This means nothing to us because we are an us.�

I looked up into Remus� eyes and saw nothing but the utmost honesty. And I believe, even now, that in that moment Remus believed that. Reaching my face up for a kiss, Remus pressed his lips to mine and then took my hand.

�I still have dinner cooking and I can�t chuck him out. Why don�t we go inside, eat and try to work some of this out. I think Severus is just as shocked to see you as you were to see him.�

I bit my lower lip but eventually nodded and allowed Remus to draw me inside. Severus was now in the lounge, sipping on brandy and looking even more peaky than he usually did.

When Remus and I entered the room, Severus looked up with expressionless eyes and tipped his glass toward me. �I see the pouting has ended,� he sneered.

Nothing I hadn�t been used to before, so I didn�t react to the snark. �Good to see you again,� was all I replied with and happily accepted the wine Remus pressed into my hand.

�Can I trust you two to play nicely,� Remus asked, �because I need to finish preparing our meal.�

�I believe we can,� Severus said and I replied with just a nod as Remus left the room.

Shifting uncomfortably, I stayed standing near the wall, trying not to look directly at Severus who seemed to find his brandy extremely fascinating.

�Oh for fuck�s sake,� he eventually snapped, �will you sit down? This situation is already uncomfortable enough as it is.�

I narrowed my eyes in a glare but lowered myself into the armchair and took a long drink from my glass. �This isn�t exactly easy for me either, Snape.�

�Back to surnames, are we Potter?� he asked with a slight smirk.

�We never ventured beyond them, if you remember,� I replied hotly.

�For a short while we did,� he said and his voice actually sounded a bit kinder. It was disconcerting and I wasn�t sure how to react to it. Eventually Severus let out a long breath and leant forward to look at me. �This is a shock for me. I certainly didn�t expect to arrive Stateside and find you shagging my former lover.�

�And I didn�t expect my current lover was once with you� like I was.�

Severus sneered and shook his head. �Yes the relationships really were disturbingly similar, now that I think about it. I suppose you two really are made for each other.�

�And your new lover?� I hissed. �Exactly what you were looking for? Someone with no emotions, is he?�

Severus actually went a bit green and cleared his throat. �Yes well� something I�d not rather discuss at this moment.�

I was shocked. The Severus Snape I knew would have never passed up an opportunity to rub something like that in my face. Yet here he was, clearly uncomfortable and refusing to talk about it.

Well I wasn�t going to goad him further. Yes, I was bitter, but I was also in love with Remus and didn�t want to cause any more friction than there was already going to be. And there was going to be a lot.

Remus came back into the lounge and noticed the stony silence. With a small sigh, he indicated that the dinner was ready and we all walked to the table and tucked into our meal, though no one really seemed very hungry.

By midnight, Remus and I were snuggling in bed. My head was swimming and I was certain I wasn�t going to be able to sleep.

�You can talk to me, Harry,� Remus said gently as he rubbed circles over the small of my back. �I can listen to anything, even if you need to tell me you still love Severus.�

�I don�t,� I mumbled. �It�s not a matter of love, Remus, because I love you. But the pain isn�t easily forgotten and having him here under your roof, knowing the past you two had�� I trailed off and sighed.

Remus stilled the motions on my back and eventually rolled me over to face him. �Do you trust me?� he asked.

My eyes widened. �Of course I do. That was never a question.�

�I mean,� Remus said more slowly, �do you fear that my feelings for Severus will change now that he�s here.�

I shook my head. �No, I don�t think that,� I said and meant it. �I just� keep thinking about his past with you and his past with me. It�s just so� well I just hate to think you�re feeling the same things toward him that I am.�

Remus ran his fingers into my hair and pulled me in for a gentle kiss. �There is still a whisper of hurt when I talk to him sometimes. I won�t deny that I loved him almost as much as I love you. But it�s long gone. I�ve had quite a lot of time to get over him compared to you. You just fled here and jumped into this uneasy relationship with me. I can�t expect this to be easy on you, but you can expect it to be easy on me.�

�Really?� I breathed, and was answered by way of lips against mine. Remus pulled me in toward him, keeping his hold on me firm and possessive. His tongue was persistent as it explored the inside of my mouth and his hands were unyielding as he found my hard length and stroked me until I came, crashing over the edge.

When it was over, I reached out to return the favour but he drew my hand away. �That was just for you,� he said, pressing his lips to my temple. �Just for you.�

I was a bit confused but more touched than I�d ever been in bed. �For me?�

Remus nodded and gently reached out to pull my hearing aids out of my ears. Placing them on the table, I slowly adjusted to the intense, heavy silence that came with my partial deafness and I trained my eyes on his lips.

�For you,� he mouthed and kissed me again. Reaching over me, he switched off the lamp and snuggled down into my side.

As I let the darkness wash over me soothingly, I felt Remus� breathing even out as he slipped into his own slumber. In that moment I was sure it was to last. That Remus was the only one.

At Remus� request, I agreed to remain at his house for the entire duration of Severus� stay. Despite my earlier declaration that I trusted Remus and believed that he was over Severus, I was still insecure.

I�d entered the relationship quite broken� because of Severus� and never allowed myself the time to heal on my own. I relied on Remus for so much of my happiness that the thought of Severus taking it away again was terrifying.

So I fell into a routine. Work, class and Remus. Severus was there sometimes, and sometimes he was not. After the first two weeks, the tension eased some and conversation was far easier than the first few times we�d all spoken.

I did notice that Severus didn�t speak another word about his mysterious lover, but I didn�t bother to bring it up again. I merely concentrated on remaining happy and comfortable with Remus.

Of course it was bound to happen that I spend some time alone with Severus, especially with Remus� exams impending and the fact that I was taking time off of work for studying.

It was the third night that Severus and I were alone together that he finally decided to speak to me.

I was at the table in the kitchen with my papers and books spread out before me, my pencil clenched in between my teeth. I was frustrated with the class, US History being my weakest subject yet one of the required fields of the degree.

Severus was standing beside the cooker waiting for his tea to steep and he was watching me with hooded eyes. I pretended not to notice, but I did. How could I not when he was who he was?

�Having an issue?� he eventually asked.

I turned up glaring eyes toward him and pulled the pencil out from between my teeth. �I�d love to tell you to fuck off but��

�I�m right?� he offered with a smirk.

�I hate US History,� I moaned and slammed the pencil atop my book.

�What is your issue?� he ventured as he stirred cream into his tea.

�The Jeffersonian Era,� I grumbled, now glaring at my page of notes. �It�s� stupid.�

Severus chuckled under his breath, put his spoon down and slid into the chair next to mine. �I would try to offer some help, but really, there�s no short-cuts for this rubbish. Now you see why I specialised in European History?�

I rolled my eyes but the friendly tone made the moment less tense. �I suppose so, depending on which European civilisation.�

Severus quirked an eyebrow but didn�t comment on it. Instead he grabbed my stack of notes and began to read them through. �Well I�d love to say you did a rubbish job and that�s your problem, but I think it�s your professor,� Severus eventually said. �His information is not in a proper time sequence, he seems to drone which is why your notes are so here and there, and his information seems to be barely accurate.� Then, to my continued surprise, Severus picked up my text and flipped through it. �This is likely why. Tell me, is the complete moron called your professor lecturing out of this book?�

I nodded. �Usually, though he has his own notes as well.�

�This book is rubbish. Your teacher is a moron and if I were you I�d just tell the class to fuck off and re-take it with someone competent. Does your lover,� he said, slightly sneering the word lover, �teach the subject?�

I shook my head. �Religious History and History of the Wars, depending on which term it is.�

�How like him,� Severus mused with a curious look in his eye that I really didn�t like. It was almost reminiscent and it made my insecurity shoot up.

Before I could react to that moment, Severus plucked the pencil from my fingers, took my notes and began to make corrections. His small, spidery writing soon covered the entire page, but it was legible. He�d corrected every point where I�d gone wrong and after I�d read through the lot, it all started to make sense.

�Uhm� thanks,� I said, slightly astonished he�d go through such trouble.

�Ever the teacher, I am,� he commented and rose from his chair, slipping outside.

I debated heavily whether I should follow and attempt to repair some of the damage done in our past but I didn�t have the courage. Instead I set down to my task of memorising what Severus� had given me.

By the time Remus returned home, I was done with my homework and ready to spend some time in his company. Severus retired to his bedroom rather early, skipping the dinner Remus had made and left us to our intimate silence.

That night I felt strangely light yet strangely melancholy at the same time. I wasn�t sure what to make of my emotions during those days and I think Remus knew it. He did his best to reassure me and I felt sated through the rest of the week.

The next time Severus and I really spoke was just after the finals' marks were posted. Remus had agreed to teach two of the summer sessions, which kept him so busy he wasn�t usually home until well into the evening. Severus had agreed to stay on through another term since it looked like Margaret wasn�t going to return any time soon and her classes needed to be filled.

I wasn�t sure how I felt about that, but our general conversation had been a lot less tense. There had been no mention of his lover who had yet to make an appearance, though I�d overheard Severus talking to him on a few occasions. I couldn�t pretend it wasn�t painful to hear his voice so soft, the voice he�d once used with me, but I remembered Remus� arms and found myself filled with guilt, as though my pain was a betrayal of sorts. And maybe it was. Maybe it wasn�t fair of me to still have those feelings after so much time had passed.

Severus was sitting outside when I walked in the door. It was the middle of December but the weather was lovely compared to where we had been living before. Throwing on my jumper, I grabbed a bottle of water and headed outside to say a hello.

Remus had previously phoned and said he wouldn�t be home until quite late. He had a dinner meeting with a few of his colleagues and was likely to be in well after eleven.

When I stepped outside Severus looked up at me with hooded eyes. �Where�s your lover?�

�Won�t be back until late,� I said with a shrug. �Enjoying the weather?�

�It�s too bloody hot here,� Severus grumbled and took a long drink from his bottle of beer. �Did you want something?�

�Not really,� I said and frowned. �Sorry if my company disturbs you.� I got up and started for the door.

�Wait,� Severus said and I paused with my hand on the door.

�Yes?�

�Your company� doesn�t disturb me,� he said in a tense tone. �You can sit. If you want.�

I stood there for a few moments before I walked back to the chair and sat. �Did you have a rough day?� I ventured.

Severus snorted. �Not really. Can�t exactly call my life here difficult.�

�But you miss your� you know� lover, don�t you?�

�His absence is felt,� Severus admitted, though grudgingly.

That hurt a little and I quickly rose to fetch something to drink. If I was going to do this with Severus, this companionable conversation about his lover, I wasn�t going to be sober.

Severus seemed to have the same idea and moments later we switched to something a bit harder. Ten minutes later Severus and I had loose enough tongues to develop on the previous statement.

In my state of inebriation I blurted out, �You really do miss your lover?�

�Yes,� Severus said without as much bitterness as before.

�Did you ever miss me, when I was your lover?� I knew where the words were coming from, but I didn�t know where the bollocks came from. Still, I had them and I was ready to speak my mind.

�You never left long enough for me to miss you,� Severus said and took a long drink of the scotch.

�What about when I left?�

�I left you, if you recall properly.�

Ouch. That was true but it was also painful. �Your mistake,� I repeated.

�My greatest mistake, in many ways,� Severus said in a tone so low I barely caught it.

But I did catch the words and I was pretty sure I caught the underlying meaning. �Severus,� I said, using his name carefully.

�Harry,� he repeated and looked at me directly.

His eyes were so much the same. So black, seemingly empty yet they were so full, you just had to look at them the right way. �Does he love you like I did?�

�Did?� Severus echoed and then gave a hollow laugh. �He doesn�t believe in love, Harry.�

�Just what you wished for,� I spat and finished off what was in my glass.

Severus laughed again, sounding so bitter. �I suppose so. Just what I wished for.�

�But not what you want?� I challenged, but before he could answer, I realised I�d had enough of the conversation. It was going into a dangerous place and I wasn�t ready to face it. Rising, I quickly walked into the house and soon found myself in Remus� bedroom.

Removing my hearing aids, I changed into my pyjama bottoms and a t-shirt and decided that bed was probably the best idea. Before I could switch off the light and climb in, there was movement by the door and I turned to see Severus standing there.

His eyes flickered over to the table where my hearing aids were lying and he slowly raised his hands.Does he love you?

My heart clenched. No one signed to me anymore. Severus had been the very last. Remus didn�t know it and didn�t really show interest in learning it. I didn�t blame him but it was still my language.

He loves me.

Severus gave one short nod. Does he love you like you wished me to?

I dropped my hands, refusing to answer. Closing my eyes, I blocked out the sight of him and tried to wish him away. But the fates didn�t feel like being kind on this night. My luck, it seemed, had run out.

In my dark silence, I suddenly felt warm hands cup my cheeks. I couldn�t resist and my eyes slowly opened to see him just inches away from me. God, he was still so beautiful and in that moment all I knew was him.

�He won�t ever love you the way you wanted. You wanted the impossible and I can still give you that.� Severus moved closer so that our lips were nearly touching.

�I love him, though,� I breathed. And it was true. After Severus, all I saw was Remus and I loved Remus with all of my heart. Severus ran his thumb over my bottom lip and tiled my head up slightly. �Don�t,� I whimpered. �Please. I don�t want it.�

�Yes you do,� he whispered against my mouth. �I can feel it.�

�I don�t want it because I want it,� I said and made my tone as firm as I could manage in that moment. Pulling away from him very gently, I shook my head and took a step back. �Severus, I can�t. I�m happy.�

�For how long?� he asked and then raised his hands. He can�t give you what I can. I�ve realised my biggest mistake, Harry. It wasn�t being with you, it was not loving you as you deserved. I�ll never regret a thing, if you give me that chance. With that, Severus backed out of the room, closing the door behind him.

My head was swimming and I burst into tears. They were silent but more painful than I�d ever experienced in my life. Throwing myself into the bed, I switched off the lamp and cried myself to sleep. By the time my emotions let me go into my slumber, I was so gone I didn�t hear Remus come in later and didn�t hear him leave in the morning.

He was kind enough to leave me a small note declaring how much he missed me and that he would phone later. I felt hung over, and probably was. Needing to get out of the house where Severus� presence was constantly felt, I dressed and got into my car, speeding down to the shop where Tonks was working an all-day shift.

Seeing the distressed look on my face, Tonks quickly pulled me into a hug and then sat me down and demanded to know what was going on. I spared no detail in recounting the events and I included my own thoughts and emotions during the entire time Severus and I were talking.

�So now what?� Tonks asked, sounding almost as defeated as I felt.

�Now I don�t know,� I confessed. �I don�t know what to do about this. Remus is clearly unawares and it would kill him to know I was even considering it.�

�And what about this unnamed lover of his? Where does he fit in?�

I gave a feeble shrug. �I don�t know, Tonks. I wonder if he even exists.�

�That�s the first thing I thought,� she said. �Why don�t you confront him about it?�

�Because I can�t be around him any longer. If I can, I don�t know if I can keep away.�

�Is he really that amazing?� she asked sceptically. �I�ve seen you with Remus, Harry, and you two are great together. You fit, and he loves you more than I can describe with words. I�ve seen how he looks at you and shit Harry, I�ve seen how you look at him. Severus won�t be here forever and he�ll likely chuck you just as easily as he did the first time.�

�I just think Remus deserves someone better than me, Tonks,� I groaned into my hands that were covering my face. �Even if I don�t get together with Severus, Remus deserves someone who wouldn�t consider another man.�

Tonks removed my hands from my face and looked into my eyes. �Are you really considering another man? Or are you just afraid and hurt by the man who was such a big part of your past?�

She was spot-on. Because in the end, I wanted my dues from Severus, nothing more. I couldn�t actually take being with him again. His constant discontent, his unending snark and unhappiness with the world.

Remus was what I needed, and Remus also deserved to know what had happened in the house.

�You�re right, Tonks,� I said with a nod. �Remus is the only one who actually matters to me.� I gave a small sigh and rubbed at my incredibly tense shoulder. �D�you think I ought to tell him about it?�

Tonks chewed on her lower lip in thought. �I�m not sure, Harry. It will likely cause a huge upset and you�ll have to decide whether it�s worth it.�

�Not to mention how awful Remus will feel when he learns that Severus wants me back. He was hurt by Severus too and it won�t feel good to hear his ex-lover wants his current lover.�

�Well just make sure it�s clear to Severus so he doesn�t get any ideas. Is he the vindictive type?�

I shrugged. �I don�t think so, not really. A bit bitter, perhaps, but not vindictive.�

�Let�s hope not,� Tonks said.

Feeling much better, I decided to work that shift with her and was happy to receive my call from Remus. He phoned earlier in the afternoon to let me know he was home early. Tonks had asked me out to dinner so I told Remus I�d join her and meet with him later. By the end of the day, though, I was ready to see my lover and decided to skip the dinner in favour of Remus� company.

I bade a fast farewell to Tonks before hopping in my car and heading out to the house. When I pulled up, I saw the interior of the house dark but the light in the back garden signalled that Remus had prepared the meal outside. I knew he wasn�t expecting me so I headed for the door.

I wasn�t, however, prepared for the sight I was met with. Standing beside the table was Remus and Severus� in exactly the same position Severus had me in the night before. Severus had Remus� face in his hands. They were standing off to the side and I could see both of them perfectly. I wondered for a moment whether they saw me or not but it seemed as though they hadn�t.

Leaning against the glass, I could make out their lips perfectly and found myself horrified by the conversation.

�Leaving you was my greatest mistake,� Severus said and Remus closed his eyes, a look of pain crossing his face.

�I can�t do this, Severus.�

�But you want to.�

�Yes but� Harry�� Remus said weakly.

�He matters that much? Really? After all we�ve had, after what you want, he still matters?�

�I� have to think about this, Severus.� Remus pulled away and as he did, he caught sight of me. Paling rapidly, Remus started for the door but before he could get to it, I was out the front door and speeding away in my car.

In my mirror I could just make out his form in the fading dusk as I sped off down the road and I was determined not to look back. Ever.

Greatest Mistake - Chapter 5

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