First Place - Angst

Walking into the flat, I found Tonks sitting up on the sofa, staring at me with wide eyes and an irritating grin. �You snogged,� she declared, pointing her finger at me.

I flushed. I couldn�t believe it was obvious. �What, am I wearing a sign?� I growled as I flopped into the armchair.

Tonks giggled. �No, I was just guessing. I can�t believe you two snogged! Harry, that�s great.�

�Is it?� I asked with a small frown. �Is it great?�

�You fancy Remus. Fuck Harry, you�re practically in love with him. How is this not great?�

�Considering my track record�� I said with a huff.

Tonks rolled her eyes. �Wasn�t the purpose of you moving here to start over?�

�Yes,� I breathed, kicking my feet up on the low table. �It could still be a colossal mistake. Remus is so much like Severus it�s scary.�

�Have you told him about your past?� she questioned.

�No and I have no intentions of doing so. How�s he going to think of me then, when I say that I left because I couldn�t handle dating my former professor?�

�I doubt he�ll mind much. I�m sure he�s had his share of mistakes as well.�

She was totally right and I knew I�d have to tell Remus at some point. But still, saying the things I�d done aloud? Telling Remus what I�d done to Draco, all because my heart was broken? He would surely hate me.

This was all too much. It really was. I excused myself to bed and decided not to talk about it for a while.

Two days passed before I heard from Remus again and I had begun to think he really was disinterested in me after the kiss. I was working a shift on my own that Friday night when the door opened and Remus stepped in the shop.

He fixed me with a slightly intense gaze and a hesitant smile. �Hello,� he said with a gentlemanly nod.

�Hey,� I said, not quite smiling myself.

�How are you?�

The tension was so thick I could barely breathe. Telling what he was thinking was almost impossible and I was growing more insecure by the moment. �I�m okay.�

�I�m sorry I didn�t phone you sooner. A friend of mine had an emergency and I had to leave town. I would�ve phoned but I was distracted. I only just got back about ten minutes ago.� Remus paused and laughed. �I haven�t even been home yet. Just to your flat and Tonks told me you were here tonight.�

I felt my heart lighten just a little. �Oh, well sorry about the emergency. I hope everything�s okay.�

�It is now,� Remus said with a wink. �Fancy dinner? When do you close up shop?�

I checked my watch and suppressed a huge grin. �Forty-five minutes. Enough time for you to settle things at home?�

�Yes it is. Why don�t I meet you at your flat in an hour and a half and we can go from there.�

�Okay,� I said and grinned stupidly as he waved and headed back out of the shop. God I was pathetic but the amount of relief I felt from this small visit was almost comical.

An hour and a half later I was walking down the stairs to the street where Remus was waiting. He gave me a cheerful wave hello as I slipped into his car and waited impatiently for him to get in as well.

�I thought we might have a spot of dinner at my house,� he said, switching on the engine.

My heart began to race. His house? His house. That was a serious invitation. �Er� are you sure?� I asked.

�Well if you�re not comfortable with it,� he said with a shrug, �we can go out.�

I paused, not sure what I wanted. Eventually I just opened my mouth and spoke, which is a stupid thing to do, but in this case, it worked out. �Why don�t we just go to your house? You look exhausted and you deserve a sit-down.�

Remus� face brightened and he quickly sped off. The drive ended up being quite long and it seemed that Remus lived at the base of the large mountain. When we pulled up to his house, I marveled at the desert beauty of it. There were colourful cacti scattered about his front garden, and the house was partially tucked into a cliff. It wasn�t huge but it was quaint enough. It didn�t have the typical desert theme to it when we stepped inside, either, which I appreciated.

The place was decorated with a myriad of paintings, books, plush French-style furniture and candles were everywhere. The front door led into the lounge, which split off, to the kitchen on one end and the hallway that led to the bedrooms on the other.

�This is my home,� he said, waving his hand about. �Feel free to sit down or tour the place. I�m going to get us a couple of drinks. Wine okay with you?�

I nodded and began to browse his books. All of the titles were either in French or German. I didn�t recognise any of the books but I was in awe of him. His house was exactly as I imagined mine to be when I finally finished with my education and settled into my career. It was perfect.

Just one more thing that I found endearing about him and one more reason I didn�t want to let him go.

�Here you are,� he said, startling me out of my thoughts. Remus pressed a glass of dark-red wine in my hand and gestured toward the sofa. �Shall we sit? I put the dinner in the oven and it ought to be done soon.�

�Excellent,� I said and took a seat just a breath away from the tawny-haired man.

�You looked a little distressed when I first saw you today, Harry,� Remus said and my cheerful mood plummeted. It was clear that Remus was going to force these fears, these feelings, out of me.

�I was� just a little bit,� I confessed.

Remus nodded slowly. �I thought as much. Was it because we didn�t chat before? Or is it something else?�

I shrugged and let out a slow breath. I knew Remus rather well. We�d spent a fair amount of time together before and during the term. Then there was the kiss and it was clear he wanted me. But I was still lost. I didn�t know what he wanted and I was afraid to be hurt. Again. I was afraid what would come out of me if that pain surfaced in me once more.

�It�s� both,� I said a little lamely. �I sort of have this� past and I guess I�m just feeling a little hesitant.�

�I can understand that, you know. I really can. Before I moved here, as I�ve told you before, I�d had a very bad split with someone I loved very much. In the end I think it was all for the best but even now the hurt peeks out.�

I frowned. �Are you over him though? Are you really over him?�

�As much as I ever will be, Harry. I think there are people in our lives who will always leave a lasting imprint. I think my last lover was one of those people. Luckily I�ve had three years with no contact and I know that even if he did come back, he�s not right for me.�

I toyed with the edge of my wine glass and sat in thought. Is that how I felt about Severus? I mean, if he came up to me in this moment, apologised and told me he did truly believe that he loved me, would I take him back?

When I looked back up at Remus� beautiful amber eyes I knew that although I didn�t have an answer yet, it was looking like Remus was more there for me than Severus ever could be.

�I know what you mean,� I eventually whispered.

Remus� mouth stretched into a soft smile and he reached out, plucking the wine glass from my hands and he set it on the table. Lacing his fingers with mine, he pulled me forward so that our faces were just inches apart.

�I didn�t mean to make you fret,� he whispered. �I just didn�t think.�

�It�s okay,� I whispered back, feeling the intimacy of this moment flooding through my every pore.

�It�s not. I like you Harry, I have since the moment I saw you and I didn�t want to make you fret the way I did. Can you forgive me?�

�Yes,� I breathed and could say no more as his mouth claimed mine and I lost myself in his wonderful arms.

It was over almost too soon but Remus didn�t release me this time. He just held me close, his fingers tangled in my hair and his breath ghosting over my cheeks. �Harry,� he said as though tasting the word.

�I�m� I�m no good at this, just so you know,� I blurted suddenly, finding myself, as usual, horribly awkward in those sweet, intimate moments.

Remus chuckled a little and pulled back so he could look into my face. �No good at what, Harry?�

I shrugged, my face already flushed from the kiss. �This. Relationships or� you know, snogging. Whatever it is we�re doing. I�m rubbish at it. I�ve only had it twice and they were complete disasters.�

�We can�t all have perfection on the first try,� Remus said seriously. �I�ve had my fair share of one-offs and relationships and friendships, Harry, and I still barely know what I�m doing. I�m not expecting any more than what you want to give me.�

Remus words flowed over me as a soothing balm and I merely sat and enjoyed the feeling. No one had ever spoken to me like that, not even Draco with his flowery promises of love and eternity. No one had ever promised they would be okay with only what I have to give.

�Do you believe that love exists?� I asked suddenly. It sounded odd but the truth was, I had to know. I couldn�t make the same mistake again.

�What do you mean?� Remus asked, and I noticed a strange sort of look in his eyes. Something akin to suspicion or perhaps familiarity. I wasn�t sure.

A sudden fear struck me. What if he thought I was implying that I loved him? I didn�t! I barely knew him. �I only meant the idea of love,� I quickly clarified. �Do you believe that the emotion love actually exists?�

�Yes,� he said slowly, �I do. Do you?�

�Yes,� I said, my voice filled with relief. �I just� just had a bad experience with someone who didn�t believe the same way and I had to make sure. Forgive me for being so paranoid.� I suddenly felt rather sheepish and slightly immature.

To my relief, Remus gathered me into his arms and kissed me soundly. �It�s okay,� he breathed against my mouth and I melted in his arms.

Needless to say, dinner was all but forgotten that night, and for several nights later. I could go on and on in my tale, describing the days and nights Remus and I spent in each other�s arms. I could spend hours talking about our tentative relationship, the way we both seemed to constantly fear and how we spent so much time reassuring one another of our certainty in our loving embraces, kisses and passionate love making.

I�m sure some of you will be disappointed that I�m not going to tell those tales. They are wonderful, they really are. But they are mine, and I think I�ll keep them to myself. Instead I�ll leap into the future, one year later actually, when things got to their worst.

Something happened that I didn�t expect and it turned everything upside down. I won�t lie to you, I was certain at one point that I was going to lose Remus to another man. I was almost certain at that time that I was going to leave Remus for another man as well.

So this is where my tale truly begins. I won�t tell you where I am now, or whom I am sitting with, but I will tell you that I did find my happiness.

Remus and I had officially declared our love for one another. It had been a year and though the two of us were almost obsessive about taking things slowly, we were still very much happy. I spent the bulk of my time at Remus� house though I still maintained my little flat with Tonks and still worked the bookshop job in between classes.

I was still another year from graduating and still had another four years atop that before I was ready to teach. But I was happy. Remus and I had no plans to move and although we talked about a European holiday, we never really meant it.

It was well after our one-year anniversary that it all seemed to fall apart, and honestly, by this time I did not see it coming.

I walked into Remus� house one night after a long day�s work and found my lover seated on the sofa, staring blankly at the television.

�Something wrong?� I asked him, sidling up next to him.

Remus started, as though he hadn�t noticed me come in and he met me with my usual kiss. �No, nothing�s wrong. I�ve just got off the phone with an old friend who�s coming to visit.�

�Oh really?� I asked, secretly pleased to meet someone from his past. He�d given me no clue about his past, his lovers, his family, nothing. It was a sudden joy to learn one of them would be visiting. �Who is it?�

�Uhm� well it�s a very old friend of mine from England. He�s going to be here next week and he�ll be staying for the rest of the term.�

My eyes widened. �Really? That long?�

�He�s filling in for Margaret�s sudden departure.� Margaret was the entry-level history professor and due to a death in the family she�d left suddenly, leaving six classes untaught. Remus filled in on what he could but he already had a full timetable to work with.

�Oh so he�s a teacher then.� It was odd, so many teachers in my life. Perhaps a sign that I really ought to be one.

�Well anyhow, he�s staying here and I�m sure you�ll have plenty of opportunity to meet him.� Remus� tone was strange, a bit strained and very closed.

�Is something wrong?� I asked almost meekly.

Remus shook his head and slowly drew me closer to him. �I just wasn�t expecting to see anyone from my past and now� now this.�

�Is it a bad thing?� I asked. �Does he not know about us?�

�Oh I told him everything. Well mostly, anyhow. He knows you�re English and he�s looking forward to meeting you. There�s just� one tiny thing.�

I knew there would be. �Yes?� I asked carefully, almost afraid to know.

Remus laced his fingers with mine. �He�s an ex-lover.�

Oh. Well I was expecting something a bit more. But then again� �Is he the lover?� I asked.

Remus gave a slow nod. �We�d always swore we�d stay in touch, be friendly, but we never did. Now this, and well, I didn�t want you to think there was anything more to it than this.�

His words were very reassuring and I leant up to kiss him gently. �It�s really okay,� I said. �I don�t mind, so long as you love me best.�

Remus chuckled and cupped my cheek. �Of course I love you best.�

A few hours later as we were lying in bed, Remus behind me. I felt him shift and then I felt movement and hot breath ghosting over my right ear. �I can�t hear you in that ear,� I said slightly groggily.

The movement continued and I reached up to confirm that he was speaking, which he was. With a growl I rolled over, pushed him onto his back and straddled his waist. Remus tucked his arms under his head and smiled up at me.

�What were you saying?� I demanded with a mocking glare.

�Hmmm what was I saying?� he asked cheekily. �I can�t quite remember.�

I leant forward on my arms and brought my face down close to his. �I didn�t have my hearing aid in, I couldn�t hear you.�

�Yes I know,� he said with an infuriating grin.

�That�s not fair!� I declared hotly.

Remus smirked, grabbed my waist and flung me to the side, quickly straddling me. Leaning very close to me so that I could feel his warm breath against my face, he whispered near my left ear, �You are amazing and I love you more than I thought possible.�

My heart clenched with both nerves and happiness. The feeling of love crashed over me so hard all I could do was pull him down for a firm kiss. Our lips molded together as if they were made to be that way.

When I finally pulled away, I reached up and ran my fingers down Remus� cheek. �I�� faltering in my words, I turned my face away. I didn�t know what to say. I�d heard declarations like that before in my life, from Draco, of course, but these words were spoken with a feeling I thought I�d never hear.

�It�s okay,� Remus said, kissed me again and reached over to switch off the light. Settling next to me, he pulled the covers up and pressed a kiss to my shoulder.

After a few moments, Remus� fingers trailed down my arm, pushing my hand open and began to trace patterns on my palm. It took me a few minutes to realise what he was doing but eventually I began to make out letters.

I concentrated with a deep frown as I repeated the letters in my head, forming a sentence. �I� will love you� always?� I asked.

�Correct,� he breathed and rewarded me with a kiss along the back of my neck.

He began to trace shapes again. This time I burst into laughter. �You�re lucky I�m such a good shag?�

�Correct again,� Remus said with amusement in his voice.

I spun round and grabbed Remus� hand spelling out my own little message. I had to trace it four times before he got it, but he rewarded me with the deepest kiss I�d ever experienced.

�Yes my eternity should be with you as well,� he breathed into my left ear. �Always.�

It should have stayed like that. Despite the fear, the small bits of reluctance and insecurity the both of us felt, it was happiness. I never thought I�d have it, but for the first time I could remember, I was content.

The week passed much the same and on the night his friend was due to arrive, I agreed to meet Remus at the house for dinner. Remus phoned me on his way to pick up the person who I didn�t realise was still nameless to me.

�Well I�m almost there. He phoned me earlier and told me that his lover will be along in a few weeks, as soon as his class is finished.�

�Well that�s a pity but you�ll have some time to catch up then, won�t you?� I replied, but that made me nervous. The ex. THE ex. Remus� Severus. What was I supposed to think about that? The two of them alone together in the house getting to know one another again. What if it had all changed? What if Remus preferred someone like-minded, smarter than I was, older, better? I couldn�t lose Remus and I began to panic.

�Well I�ll see you soon, if you still want me for dinner,� I said, trying to mask my discomfort and doing a piss-poor job at it.

�I want you for longer than that, Harry,� Remus said kindly. �I�ll see you very soon. I miss you already.�

I flushed a little. �I miss you as well. See you soon.� With that, I rang off and prepared myself to meet THE ex.

It was too much anticipation. I worked myself nearly sick as I tried to find something to wear. Tonks had tired of my rambling and fretting hours before hand and left me to my own agony as I tried to decide what would be best.

How should I act in front of this person anyhow? How would Remus treat me? There were too many questions. Finally choosing my best jeans and a comfortable shirt, I slapped a handful of gel into my hair in a pathetic attempt to tame it and headed out to my car.

The drive to Remus� was pleasantly long and gave me time to relax. Driving soothed me like nothing else could and by the time I pulled up to Remus� house my heart had slowed and I was breathing normally again.

Remus was home already and I could see the light on in the interior of the house. I wondered briefly if Remus wanted me to knock, but my heart told me nothing had changed because of one man.

I walked up to the door and slowly pushed it open. I couldn�t hear any noise but that was normal for me and instead followed the smell of food into the kitchen where Remus was standing alone.

He turned and met me with a huge smile. �I thought it would be awkward but it�s actually rather pleasant,� he said after he kissed me.

�Where is he?� I asked, more anxious to see if I was close to comparison with this man. This famed lover.

�He�s outside enjoying the weather,� Remus said with a laugh. �I�m sure you can appreciate that one.�

I quirked a half smile. It was true and I wondered how much in common with this man I could possibly have. Remus poured out three glasses of our favourite wine and handed me one.

�Ready to meet him?�

No. �Yes,� I said in spite of myself.

Remus let out a nervous laugh and led me outside.

And that�s when it all hit me. That�s when I realised my life would always be slightly more complicated than anyone else I knew. That�s also when I nearly choked on my wine.

Sitting in one of the garden chairs was none other than Severus Snape. He looked much the same, though that thought didn�t register straight away. He was fixing me with the most surprised look I�d ever seen on him and he rose slowly.

�Well isn�t this interesting,� Severus said in that painfully familiar tone. �Never thought� well I�� he was fumbling for words. Severus Snape was fumbling for words. This was going to be bad.

�Severus, I�d like you to meet my lover, Harry.�

My gaze was firmly locked with Severus� and I barely heard Remus� words. �I� can�t do this,� I gasped. I turned to run into the house, leaving a bewildered Remus and knowing Severus standing outside.

It was close to being over. I couldn�t handle this and I had to get away.

Greatest Mistake - Chapter 4

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