Third Place - Romance

Severus hadn't seen Harry at dinner time. He hated admitting to himself that he was worried about the boy. It went against the grain, and his grain had been firmly established, set in place for many years, so crossing it caused great discomfort. Knowing Harry had caused him more struggles with his own personality than he'd experienced since becoming a spy for the light.

He was worried about the boy. When Harry had fled from his chambers, so soon after finally breaking down, he had been concerned that he might do something drastic. He had monitored the status of the boy for the rest of the night. So he knew that Harry had had another nightmare. He thought about how Harry coped with the nightmares when he was on his own. Did he put up silencing spells? Did his friends help him? Or did he suffer by himself? Knowing Harry, which he felt did more than anyone, he knew that the boy was too proud to ask for help. Or too ashamed. Or, in this particular case, probably some strange mixture of the two.

Harry had looked fine the next morning though. Snape considered, and decided that the boy must have discovered concealment charms. But if he could hide the circles under his eyes, then what else might be hidden also? He had been subconsciously checking what parts of Harry's arms he could see every time he encountered him, but if the boy was using spells... Snape had to talk to him, to find out how he was doing.

But then Harry hadn't been there at dinner. Severus had been planning on taking him aside afterwards. But he hadn't been there. And as Snape sat there and maintained his usual glower, he was thinking about all of the trouble that Harry could be getting into. Although the charm should alert him if anything got too bad. Damn the boy for doing this to him anyway. He didn't care. He didn't!

Severus went back down to his dungeons, and tried not to worry.

Snape hadn't actually managed to read any of his book. The words just didn't make sense to him. The boy had probably just been gallivanting off for a lark. Inconsiderate brat. Making others worry. But then, all of his friends had been at dinner. And they had looked as though they hadn't known where he was. In fact the only other person missing from the tables had been Malfoy. Draco Malfoy. Who hated Harry. What if he had cornered him somewhere and hurt him? What if his taunts caused Harry to break down and no one was around to help him?

What if he was being a paranoid idiot?

He kept on trying to read his book, until he was interrupted.

"Albus?"

"Hello, Severus. Just thought I'd drop by for a bit. How are you doing?"

While the question was sincere, it was not what the Headmaster had come for. Snape could tell these things.

"I'm fine, dealing with the knowledge that I failed everyone as usual."

So much bitterness, whispered the little voice inside his head. It said that believing that he had failed everyone was no different from the way that Harry was feeling. And what had he told the boy? That others took responsibility for themselves. Don't preach if you can't practise, the voice expounded.

He sighed. "What is it you want, Albus?"

The damn eyes were twinkling again

"Can't I just be concerned for you, my friend? No? Well then, I came here about Harry."

Astonishment was a feeling entirely absent.

"I was talking to him earlier about his relatives."

Severus began listening more keenly. Harry was very sensitive about his relatives.

"I told him how they had been punished. He seemed upset. I really don't understand the boy sometimes, I thought he'd be pleased that he wouldn't have to return to them. I thought maybe you could help?"

Snape resisted the urge to groan.

"His friends came to see me. They are worried about him."

Well, so they should be. The little brats showing some sensitivity at last. But telling Albus was not the best way to go forward. Harry would never forgive them.

"They had a word with Minerva too, I believe."

Ouch. Even worse. The old bird wouldn't know a trauma case if it bit her on the...Harry was really never going to forgive them.

"They told me they haven't seen him at all this evening, he wasn't at dinner, and he didn't go back to the Gryffindor Tower afterwards."

Albus looked slightly mischievous, whilst still keeping the air of sad puzzlement around him. It was an art. One which really got up Snape's nose.

"I thought as you spent so much time with Harry you might understand him a little better than the rest of us. I'm giving you first chance to go and look for him, otherwise I'll have to put everyone on alert. Tell me when you find him."

Severus hated the way that Albus just assumed he would comply. The Headmaster obviously knew that he had a soft spot for the boy though. He wouldn't have asked unless he was sure that Snape wouldn't just deep fry Harry when he found him. Although Severus might still do that, as punishment for frightening him. Not that he had been frightened when he'd heard that Harry had gone missing. No. He was the stern, aloof Potion's Master, who cared only for himself.

His inner voice seemed to spend a great deal of time laughing at him recently.

He went out to stalk the corridors of Hogwarts.

He came across Draco, lurking around outside the entrance to the Slytherin dorms. He was about to take points, when he remembered that Draco had been missing from dinner too. Maybe he knew where Harry was.

"Have you seen Potter?"

Malfoy gave him an unfathomable look. He took so long to reply that Snape began to grow suspicious.

"No."

Was that a lie? Told on Harry's behalf to protect him, or to spite him?

When it occurred to him, finding Harry was of course made much easier by the spell linking them. Snape adapted it to become a trace so it would lead him straight to the boy. Not really straight though. Considering all of the corners, and stairs and places where Harry had backtracked.

Eventually he found him. Half crouched into a ball against the wall, down in an disused part of the dungeons. Severus felt the now familiar protective feeling in his chest rise, and the worried one somewhat abate. He really hated the boy for corrupting him like this.

He knelt in front of Harry. He was staring into nothing again. Not a promising start.

He had to call the boy's name several times before achieving a response.

"You really should be more careful wandering around without your cloak Harry. Someone might be inclined to take points."

Harry smiled weakly, but didn't bother trying to answer.

He made the boy get up, but Harry seemed unsteady and had to rest an arm against the wall for support.

"Harry? Harry. What's wrong? Harry?"

"I..." Pause as the boy moistened dry lips. "I don't feel too good." He began to slide downwards.

Severus stopped his descent by wrapping an arm round him.

"What is wrong? Are you hurt?" Was it Malfoy?

"No I just..."

Harry sagged in his arms. Snape sighed. Why did these things always happen to him? His little voice sniggered and said that if they did always happen to him then he'd be far more practised at dealing with them than he was. He lifted the boy easily, he was still far too light.

Harry muttered something, and Snape strained to hear it. "Maybe I should have eaten something today after all," he made out.

"You haven't eaten anything all day?"

Further mumbling was incomprehensible.

"Stupid boy, can't take care of yourself."

At least his quarters weren't that far away.

They seemed to end up on the couch like this a lot. Harry in some kind of pain, and Snape trying to solve it. It was becoming natural.

He got the boy to drink some water, which seemed to revive him a little.

Then he forced him to eat. Harry didn't seem that hungry, which belied the fact that he hadn't eaten since yesterday. If he had eaten yesterday. Snape couldn't remember if he'd seen the boy do so.

He managed half a bowl of soup, then stopped. Upon further pressing from Snape, he became angry. Severus knew that the boy had reached his limit, but he was so thin. So underweight. He tried to get the boy to take another spoonful.

The soup ended up all over the floor.

Immediately, Harry cowered away as though he expected to be hit. But Snape was beginning to understand how to deal with him.

"I'm going to have to resurface all of my floors I see. Why don't you just tell me which colours co-ordinate with what you'll be spilling where, and I'll organise the redecorating."

Harry relaxed. He laughed. He actually laughed. It was only a little laugh, but it was far more genuine than those that the boy's friends had elicited from him previously.

Snape felt an enormous sense of accomplishment overtake him. He had made Harry laugh.

A house elf cleaned up the mess.

Snape switched his campaign to cookies. They were far more likely to go down well. And would make less of a stain if chucked across the room.

Harry nibbled them.

Cookies, however, did not seem to cure all of his troubles this time.

"You should get some sleep," suggested Severus.

Harry became tense. "I don't want to. I'm not tired."

"Have you been having nightmares again?"

"No, I'm fine. I'm just not tired."

"Harry."

Harry's eyes dropped. Severus hadn't known that the floor could be so interesting.

Snape undid the concealment charms. Harry really was becoming far too proficient in disguising his problems.

The boy looked terrible. Absolutely exhausted. His eyes were burning hollows in his face.

Severus sighed. He seemed to do that a lot around the boy.

"You've been having nightmares."

Harry still wouldn't answer.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of. You have no control over them." Which was probably why he feared them so much.

Severus would have to try harder then, to get the boy to rest. For he so clearly needed it.

"I left Hogwarts for a while when I was your age, did you know?"

Harry's head came up a little, he seemed interested in spite of himself.

"My parents thought that I wasn't receiving a proper education in the more important areas. Dark arts namely. So I went abroad for a time. I was always moving around from place to place, for almost a year, until my parents died and I came back here. The first place I went to was in France. There was a secret wizarding village out in the wilderness, completely cut off from everything. We had to use magic to get all of our supplies. The man who taught me there was called Arematis, and he had a really strange way of walking that made him look like a stork. Of course, the rest of him looked like a stork too, so there really wasn't..."

Harry fell asleep somewhere in the middle of Egypt, and Severus smiled in relief. The indignity of having to babble had been rewarded. He got up, careful to avoid disturbing the slumbering boy, and went to the fireplace. He told Albus where Harry was, and that he had fallen asleep there. He said he thought it would be a bad idea to wake him as the boy needed rest, so suggested Harry remain on the couch for the night. The Headmaster didn't protest.

Severus went into his lab to carry on researching something that would help the boy with the visions.

Screams. He held Harry. He soothed Harry. He tried not to think about how nice it was to have someone who needed him. Who depended on him. After all, it was a heavy weight to bear.

As Harry recovered from the lingering pain, Snape delicately ran his fingers over Harry's wrists, needing to reassure himself. Harry was apparently lucid enough to notice this.

"Didn't do anything," he murmured. "I wanted to," he added a moment later.

Severus felt something inside him stir at the words.

"It's all right Harry, you didn't. That's what matters. You don't need to. You can manage without."

"Oh yeah, see me managing," came the weak reply.

Severus smiled to himself. Harry would be fine. He just needed reminding of it. And watching over. And food.

He made the boy eat another cookie.

Harry refused to go back to sleep. Snape wasn't surprised, and to be truthful didn't want to hear the screams again himself. They grated on his ears. And his heart, for he remembered similar screams coming from himself many a time.

He took the boy into his lab, and let him prepare some of the ingredients. None of the difficult ones, and he kept a close eye on him to ensure that his tiredness did not lead to clumsiness. He also kept a very close eye on everything Harry did with the knife.

Paranoia was an irremovable personality trait.

Harry wasn't entirely sure how he had ended up on the couch again when he awoke there in the morning. He didn't remember having any more nightmares though, which was good.

He got up slowly, and saw Snape sitting at the table eating breakfast and reading a newspaper. He went to join him.

Snape smiled at him. It was surprising how much a simple smile could change the professor's face so drastically. Harry had never seen Snape smile before just recently. The fact that Harry could make Snape, the dour, greasy, bitter Potions master smile, was quite an achievement.

"You slept in late, lazy boy." There was no sting in the words. "You missed breakfast in the hall, you're lucky it's a Saturday."

Harry ordered some food for himself. He noticed Snape paying attention to how much he ate, so tried to finish most of what was on the plate, even though in his opinion the house elves had been much too generous in their helpings. He made sure Sylrissin got some milk, and then sat back, fully sated, gently stroking her scales as she curled round his wrist.

He left soon afterwards, knowing that Ron and Hermione would be missing him, and not wanting them to raise even more of a fuss.

Harry found Ron and Hermione in the Gryffindor common room. Hermione was working, and Ron was not. Despite Hermione. From looking at them, Harry wouldn't have thought that they were in a relationship. Maybe Malfoy had just been trying to stir up trouble between the three. Not that there wasn't enough already.

They wouldn't stop pressing him with questions about where he'd been and what was wrong with him. Harry didn't know how to act around them any more. They had blamed him for not trusting them, but when he did they instantly proved that they couldn't be trusted after all. He couldn't explain all of that to them.

"I'm really fine, you guys. I just couldn't sleep, so I went for a walk. One of the professors found me. And no, Ron, I didn't get into trouble."

Hermione watched him for a few seconds as though debating how much further to take this. Evidently her curiosity won out.

"Professor Dumbledore told us, you know."

Told them what? Told them what?

"Where you were last night. He came to reassure us that you were safe, and he said that you were staying with Professor Snape. He said that you'd stayed with him over the holidays too. We just wanted to see if you would tell us by yourself. We gave you a chance. Why didn't you tell us?"

"And why the hell were you staying with that creep?" Ron burst in, unable to refrain from adding to the conversation.

Harry felt betrayed once more. By Dumbledore again. Every one was trying to do what was best for him, and they all kept on making things worse, aggravating things that ought to be left alone. Professor Snape was the only one who listened without judgement.

"I had to get some potions from him for my nightmares last night, and fell asleep there once I'd taken them. And I was there over Christmas as he's trying to develop a potion to stop my visions. He's helping me."

That was actually a really good explanation. Hermione still looked suspicious though.

"I got the impression that it was something else," she said.

Before Harry had a chance to defend himself, Ron butted in again. He really couldn't stand being left out. Harry supposed that was what having so many siblings did to a person.

"You had to stay with that greasy old git. Why the hell didn't you tell us? We could have rescued you from the bastard!" Harry's protestations that Snape really had been trying to help him were drowned out. "He could have tried to poison you! I can't believe you went back there last night."

Harry was fed up now. So much for them trying to understand him. The storm rose once more, and this time it was unleashed fully.

"Shut up! Just shut up will you."

Everyone in the common room was staring at them now. But Harry was too far gone. He couldn't even hear Sylrissin hissing at him to calm down through his rage.

"You don't know anything. You don't know how I feel, you don't even know who I am anymore. Stop trying to interfere. Stop trying to make me be someone I'm not."

Hermione was finally getting angry too. "Well, if we don't know how you feel, it's because you don't tell us. You never talk to us anymore Harry, and we're your best friends."

"Are you?" Harry asked, his voice going cold. "Best friends shouldn't have to be told. Best friends should know. Best friends should be there."

He ran out of the room. No one came after him.

He didn't talk to anyone for the rest of the day.

He went out and sat on the field again, out of sight of the castle.

Malfoy was already there.

They didn't speak at all.

Harry showed Malfoy Sylrissin. The other boy slowly ran his fingertips down her body in awe, as she hissed her approval. Hermione never had been able to find out what kind of snake she was.

They still didn't speak. They watched the wind playing with long grass off to the side of the field. They watched the birds. They watched the Hufflepuff quidditch team come out and start to practise.

Practise would be starting for Harry soon too. He wasn't sure if he wanted all of the pressure of trying to win on him. After all, if he failed, how would everyone treat him. Potter wasn't allowed to lose. But he wasn't Potter.

They left before sundown, neither having spoken a word.

Harry woke with the darkness still in front of his eyes and the screams still resounding throughout his skull. He wanted to get up. He wanted to walk in the corridors of the cold castle until dawn. But Snape had said he couldn't. Snape had said that he had to learn to deal with it.

So he lay back down and prayed for peaceful sleep.

He woke up screaming again. When the shaking stopped he went to the bathroom and washed his face clean of the quickly drying sweat. He looked around for a knife. No. That wasn't allowed.

This was impossible! There was no way that he was going back to that bed.

He went down to the common room, taking his wand with him in case he decided that he wanted some biscuits, and sat in front of the fireplace again, as he had the first night back. He rocked back and forth on the rug until he drifted off.

He woke again, not screaming this time. And this time his shivering had a different cause.

It hadn't been the darkness this time. This time he had been able to see. And Remus had died in front of his eyes.

He wiped the tears away with the back of a hand and headed down to the dungeons. He left Sylrissin asleep in front of the fire.

About half-way there he realised that it hadn't been a vision, just a normal nightmare. Which made it no less distressing. Of course, he hadn't taken the dreamless sleep potion. He'd run out the night before and forgotten about it. He could ask Snape for some now then. At least it was a legitimate reason for going down to his quarters. He might have become angry otherwise. No matter how nice he had been the night before.

Harry reached the entrance to Snape's chambers. It was scary that his feet automatically brought him here even when his mind was off somewhere else.

The portrait was empty. Harry stared at in for a moment in shock, before tentatively inquiring "Serminysa?" No answer. She must be off wondering around the castle somewhere. Harry knocked on the door. Snape was going to kill him. But there was no answer. He knocked again, much louder. Nothing.

He stood back and the trembling started again. It had never occurred to him that Snape might not be here. After all, he always had been in the past when Harry needed him.

Harry was cold.

He sat with his back against the portrait and waited.

Severus trekked back to his quarters after a meeting with Albus. It had been frustrating. Meetings with Albus always were. His dark mark had been burning painfully again. And there was nothing he could do to make it stop. He just wanted to lie down and sleep. And never get up. And never have to see anyone else ever again.

He practically tripped over the body lying on his doorstep. Harry.

Merlin, this was becoming ridiculous. Much as he did care about the boy, and he was too tired to argue with his inner voice when it told him that he did, all he wanted now was to sleep. And rip his own arm off. Harry couldn't keep coming here every time he had a problem. The boy had to stand up on his own two feet or he would never get anywhere. He had to deal with some things by himself.

Snape's arm really hurt.

Part of him felt very guilty, worried about why Harry was here. For all he knew the boy needed to see him for an important reason. But the rest of him was too tired. So tired.

His arm really, really hurt.

"Boy, what do you think you're doing here?" he uttered sharply and irritatedly.

Harry woke from his doze and looked up.

Harry scrambled to his feet and tried not to look pathetic. But he was so tired. And he couldn't sleep. He needed to be here, to be comforted by Snape.

"Sir, I'm sorry but I just..."

"I've warned you before, Mr. Potter, about being out of your bed at all hours. You do not have a right to be treated differently than everyone else. That will be fifty points from Gryffindor."

What? But, why? Why was he Potter again? Harry didn't understand. He had done something wrong then. And the professor was angry. Sure, he knew that he wasn't supposed to be out of bed now, but there was a reason. Why wouldn't the only person he now trusted listen to him? As an afterthought, Harry noted that the Gryffindors were going to be very, very unhappy with him for losing all of those points. Especially since he had lost his temper with his friends yesterday.

"But I needed..."

"Twenty points. Now leave."

"But, Severus, please."

Snape whirled round angrily. Harry was in shock himself. Where had that come from? He hadn't meant to say that. It had just slipped out. He had a vague memory of hands holding him and a voice reassuring him that it was Severus. But maybe that had been a dream too.

"One hundred points. You are not welcome here now, Mr. Potter." The tone was ice. The words were steel.

Harry nodded stiffly and turned away.

It had been a dream then.

It had all been a dream.

He walked for a long time. Snape wasn't speaking to him. Snape hated him.

The Gryffindors wouldn't be speaking to him. Not after he had lost them so many points.

His friends wouldn't be speaking to him. Not after he had told them that they weren't his friends.

He didn't have anyone.

He wanted desperately to talk to Sirius. He needed to see Sirius. He wanted to be held. To be hugged and told that everything was alright.

But he had no one. Sirius was dead.

He remembered how Sirius had screamed. He remembered how Lupin had screamed. But that hadn't been real. He didn't think. It was so hard to think.

He stumbled, and fell to the floor, barely catching himself with his hands. The pain from the impact jolted through him and made his arms scream with pain. At least it wasn't the darkness though.

He crawled for a while, then made it back to his feet.

He ended up in a bathroom. He wasn't sure exactly where in the castle he was. It didn't matter. Everything was out of focus. Maybe the spell on his eyes was wearing off. Hermione had liked him better without the glasses, but Ron said he didn't look like himself any more. Was that because the glasses were part of Potter's image, and Ron had only ever seen Potter?

Potter wouldn't be in toilet crying like this because he had no one, no relatives, no friends, no one who cared.

Potter wouldn't have spoken like that to his friends. Potter wouldn't have gone to the dungeons and lost so many points. Potter would have somehow managed to save Sirius.

But there was no Potter anymore. He was never coming back. And what was left of Harry couldn't take anymore.

Harry transfigured a toilet roll into a knife. A proper knife. He hadn't cut with a proper knife before. Had never had a chance. Just the razor that he had found by accident.

Snape had told him not to.

Snape hated him. Snape had told him to go away.

He cut. He cut again.

He wasn't sure if it was helping.

The image of Remus dying blended with what he remembered of Sirius' and Cedric's screams, until it was them that he saw dying in front of his eyes. And there was so much pain.

And he cut.

He glanced up into the mirror.

Snape wasn't there.

That was when he remembered that he wasn't in Snape's chambers. That he wasn't welcome there.

He cut again, the other arm.

A little too deep.

He fell to the floor.

Flawed Lines - Chapter 11

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