Earthenwing
�You look like a fuckin yuppie, dawg. I think I like the spandex better.�
Kurt, grossly out of place in clean clothes and sixty dollar shoes, turned in the dim light and blinked the haze of cigarettes out of his eyes. Todd stared back at him, older and disheveled and dead.
It was New York, and the night reeked of smog and piss, clouds hiding the black, starless sky from them and people scurrying in the alleyways like blind rats. Kurt had faced down worse things than lived in the dark in the city, but trapped in the very veins of it, pressed in with the homeless and the dying and the desperate and the mad, he didn�t feel like he had. He felt like a yuppie in good shoes and clean clothes, and he didn�t belong here.
�I�m looking for Todd. Todd Tolensky.� He�d said, probably dozens of times, but of course, nobody knew him. Nobody knew anybody, in places like this; he�d been met with blank, stupid faces, or demands for money, or sometimes violence, and when it had been violence, he�d disappeared, because it didn�t matter if he disappeared here. Nobody would tell, because nobody would believe them.
Todd, a sprawl of bone and bruise and jaundice, stepped over somebody who was laid out on the floor and sauntered over to him, smirking with lips that didn�t seem to have any flesh to them. The insides of his arms were constellations of pinprick bruising.
�I figured it might be you.� Todd grinned, showing gums that were blackened around the rims. �They said some rich faggy lil white guy was lookin for me, and there�s only one faggy lil white guy I know dumb enough to come into this neighborhood.� He looked Kurt up and down appraisingly, or at least, the holographic projection of him. His eyes rested on Kurt�s left hand for a moment. He fisted it and put it in his pocket, hiding the projection of the gold band there.
Todd seemed to be waiting for him to say something. Kurt, looking mutely at the ground between Todd�s bare feet, said nothing. A week ago he�d seen him, a rotted ghost that shocked him out of complacency. Xavier had called him in, and he�d gone, despite Amanda�s protests. He couldn�t put himself in danger like this anymore. Not with her in the way she was in. He�d promised to come home in one piece and she�d let him go, hesitantly, standing in the kitchen in her old blue sweater, hands over her swollen belly and looking miserable. He hated making her look like that.
Through the slums of New York, as an XMen, he�d stalked an invisible enemy. And in the slums, in the dark and the mold, he�d seen Todd, staring at him stupidly from a fire escape, ten years older and ten years the walking dead. They�d stared at each other blankly for a long moment before Todd had cracked and started laughing, slapping the rail and shaking. �Oh my gawd, dawg!� He�d gasped. �You�re still wearing that fuckin spandex! Oh Jesus Christ!� He�d hit his knees on the grating, giggling hysterically, and thus distracted, that was when Kurt�s enemy had attacked.
When the dust had settled, Todd had disappeared.
The silence had crossed the line into awkward.
�Hey.� Todd said quietly. �What�re you doin here, dawg?�
Kurt looked back up at him. �I just wanted to see if you were okay. I�I saw you out on the fire escape. Last week.�
Todd nodded. �Yup. Well, I�m alive. Duty done, conscience clear.� He looked quickly around the room, like he�d heard something, prompting Kurt to glance behind himself, but there wasn�t anyone there who was in a state to do anything. �You gonna go home and feel good about yourself now?� Todd said, covering.
�No.� Kurt said, honestly. �It�s just�it�s been a long time. You just kind of disappeared, back then. I was�I was wondering what happened to you.�
�Shit happened.� Todd shrugged. �It was better for everybody if I got the hell out of town. You know how it is.�
�No. I don�t.� Kurt said. He looked at Todd for a long moment, taking in the ragged jeans and nothing else that was the same thing he�d been wearing last week. They hung off his hips, barely suspended by a choke belt that had seen better days. �I looked for you, you know.� He added quietly.
The corner of Todd�s mouth twitched. �Yeah. I bet you did.�
Kurt couldn�t tell if he was being sarcastic or not.
One of the bodies in the room shifted in sleep, muttering something and struggling with a tangled sweater. Kurt bit his lip and pulled his shoulders in, uncomfortable. Todd watched him impassively.
�Come on.� He said quietly, after a moment. �I got somewhere we can talk.�
Todd went to the wide, dirty windows, open to the smoky night, and hopped onto the ledge. For a moment, the familiar hunch of a toad was profiled in the gritty dark, and then he was gone, clattering up the fire escape. Kurt scrambled after him. Up three flights of chipped paint and rust, then across a ledge of crumbling masonry to a narrow window half covered by twisted plastic blinds. Todd wretched it open and disappeared inside. Kurt slipped in after him, perching on the sill while he scanned the room, tail out for balance and ruining the effect of the hologram. The room was small, the size of an attic bedroom, the paint on the walls sagging and yellowed and the smell of stale cigarettes overpowering. For furniture, there was little. Amidst the collected junk and litter a stained mattress lay on the bare flooring, taking up nearly half the room. There was one door out. A bookcase had been toppled in front of it, jamming the doorknob into uncomfortable angles and sealing the room from the inside. The window was the only way in or out.
Kurt stepped cautiously down into the litter at the base of the window. Near his leg was a cardboard box that was serving as a bedside table. There was an old tin open on top of it. Inside, he could see the plastic caps of syringes, a length of rubber tubing, bags and paraphernalia he recognized vaguely. Todd saw where he was looking and snapped the lid back on the tin, sweeping it off the box and under the litter.
�So. Home sweet home, huh? Find something and sit on it.� Todd said, sitting down on the mattress with a grunt. His hunch was more pronounced, vertebrae rising from his shoulders like a sea monster. Kurt lowered himself more cautiously beside him. The place was dirty. He put his hands on his lap, trying not to touch anything.
Todd was fumbling with a pack of cigarettes. It took him a moment to get one between his lips, another to get the thing lit. The red ember glowed in the near dark, a jet of smoke issuing from his lips like a censer. After a silence, he reached across to Kurt�s wrist, catching him even though he recoiled, and turned off the holowatch. The projection of the neat, clean, pale yuppie disappeared, leaving a demon crouching in his place. Kurt�s eyes glowed faintly. The only light came from the open window, giving the room a dark, twilight cast.
Todd looked him up and down, appraising his real face the same as his projected one. His eyes settled on his captured hand. He�d had to have a band specially made, when he�d gotten married. Large and oddly shaped, but simple, gold that had gotten scratched a little over the past few years, too pure to hold. Eventually, Todd let his hand go. Kurt hid them between his knees.
�So, go ahead.� Todd said, wedging the cigarette between his teeth. �Ask the burning question you wanna ask.�
Kurt chewed the corner of his lip for a moment. �What happened?� he asked simply.
Todd sighed. He�d been hoping for something unexpected. A question to give him pause. But no. Kurt WOULD come to him after all this time asking the same stupid shit.
�You want the long or the short of it, dawg?� he asked, leaning his elbows on his knees.
�Just tell me.�
Todd crushed the cigarette filter in his teeth. �Alright. I fucked up.� He said simply. �I fucked up too many times. Between Wanda and the missions and�yeah. I fucked up. So Magneto decided he was gonna get rid of me.� He chewed the filter the other way and tried to take a drag off it. He had little luck. He pulled it out of his teeth and stared at the glowing tip. �That man is a sick fuck.� He muttered.
Kurt hunched forward, looking at him. �What happened? What did he do?�
Todd looked at him. For a moment, it looked like he wasn�t going to say. Then, �He sent Sabertooth to do it.� He muttered. �Sabertooth took too long, and I got away.�
�Sabertooth?� Kurt said blankly. �What did Sabertooth��
�Figure it out.� Todd snapped.
Kurt was silent for a moment, then, �Why didn�t you come to the Institute?� He asked. �When you got away? We could have protected you.�
�Yeah, right! Like I�m gonna go there.� Todd rolled his eyes. �It�s all fine and dandy for you, Xavier NEEDS you, He DON�T need me. And I�m not gonna go begging for pity from that fuck.�
�He would have helped you!�
�I didn�t need his help! What, would you really have been happy with ME living under the same roof? Kinda hard to keep me your dirty little secret that way, isn�t it?�
Kurt blinked at him. Todd lowered his head and cursed.
�I�ve managed.� Todd said eventually, tone even.
Kurt�s was more accusatory. �You disappeared.�
�And it was best for everyone.� Todd said, raising his head again. �Come on, dawg. Really. You gonna pretend like you had a problem with it? Bet you breathed one great big sigh of relief when you realized Todd wasn�t around to screw up your life any more. I didn�t have shit going for me in Bayville. No family, no friends, no jack. And you and me, we didn�t have shit, either. You had Amanda, and you weren�t gonna leave her. Not for me. You had something normal, and you weren�t gonna let it go. Still haven�t.� he said, gesturing vaguely to the ring on Kurt�s hand. �I had no god damned reason to stay. Easier on everyone if I was gone.�
�And look what happened to you.� Kurt said, unable to keep a hint of disgust out of his voice.
�Yeah.� Todd said quietly. �Look what happened to me.�
Kurt shut his mouth. Todd hung his head, arms sprawled out on his knees and track marks turned up to the light. He traced them delicately with thin fingers. Kurt looked down at his own hands. He could hear cars down on the street, the noise of tenants in the building.
�Why don�t you go home, dawg.� Todd muttered eventually. �You ain�t got no place here. Go home to your perfect little wife and your perfect little life and leave me to mine.�
Kurt bit his lip miserably. �I didn�t come here to fight with you, Todd.�
�Then why the hell are you here.� Todd grumbled.
�I�I wanted to know what happened.� Kurt said. �I wanted to know where you were. I missed you. I tried to find out, but if anyone knew they weren�t telling. I tried to get Xavier to help but he said it wasn�t any of our business.�
Todd snorted. �You actually brought me up to Xavier? Wasn�t that kind of risky?�
�I wanted to know.� Kurt insisted. �It was important to me. I thought�I thought maybe you�d come back. You know? I thought maybe you�d just gone off and you�d come back in a few weeks and call me an idiot for worrying about you. And then I thought maybe you�d left for good. And then I thought maybe you were dead.�
�Melodramatic much?� Todd muttered.
�I mean it. I was worried. But you didn�t turn up and I couldn�t find you�I�I suppose I thought you didn�t want to be found.�
The corner of Todd�s mouth twitched. �I didn�t.� he said.
Kurt looked at him. �I found you anyway.�
�Yeah. You�re a stubborn son of a bitch.�
Kurt�s ears slid back slightly, watching Todd�s face. He was in desperate need of a bath and some astringent, probably some food, by the look of him. The dirt had caked into dark streaks behind his ears. He wasn�t quite looking at Kurt. �Didn�t�didn�t it ever mean anything to you?� Kurt asked quietly, after it had been silent too long. �Wasn�t it worth fighting for?�
Todd�s eyes flashed to his, red and yellow in wrong ways. �Wasn�t ever whether it meant anything to ME, dawg.� He said, letting the corner of his mouth twitch. �Was whether it meant anything to YOU.� He caught Kurt�s left hand, holding it up and fingering the gold band pointedly. �Nope. Never meant a damned thing.�
Kurt snatched his hand back. Todd snorted, and went about trying to light another cigarette. �It is her, isn�t it?� Todd asked casually, muttering around the filter. �Amanda?�
�Yes.� Kurt said quietly.
�There ya go.�
Todd blew a thin line of smoke at Kurt�s face and lay back, folding an arm behind his head.
�Your parents happy? They come see you get married to the normal girl?�
Kurt shut his eyes. �Yes.�
�And now you�re living the American dream with the good little catholic girl from Massachusetts, and nobody�s any the wiser that what you really wanna be doing is getting fucked six ways from Friday by ugly boys, because they make you feel like the freak you really are.� He took a drag, blowing smoke out slowly and letting it drift. �You�ve always been a fucking liar, Kurt. Amanda ever figure out you like fucking men? Or does she still think she bagged herself a carnival prize?�
�Shut up!� Kurt snapped harshly, hands fisting on the knees of his trousers. Todd just calmly took another drag and eyeballed him, lifting his head a little.
�Who�d you replace me with?� he asked quietly. �Who�s your little freak fest once I was out of the picture?�
Kurt swallowed and hung his head, mortified. �No one.� He whispered. �It was just you.�
�You really gonna tell me you been faithful to the little woman for ten whole years?�
�Yes.� Kurt hissed.
�Liar.�
Kurt said nothing. Todd sat up, cigarette in his teeth and lip turned up. �You come here for an ugly little freakshow? Looking to make up and make out?�
�I just came to see if you were alright!� Kurt protested. �I wanted to know what happened to you! I wanted to know if you were okay! I�ve missed you, Todd! You disappeared all those years ago and you never let me know what happened to you, you never let me know where you were, whether you believe me or not, I was worried! I thought about you! I wondered where you were, I wondered how you were doing, what life had done to you! I didn�t think it had done this!� He touched Todd�s skeletal jaw hesitantly, mouth pulled down in a pained grimace. �I didn�t know! I shouldn�t have stopped looking, I shouldn�t have stopped until I found you!�
�What, and given up your American dream?� Todd sneered.
�I could have gotten you help.� Kurt said quietly.
�I don�t need your pity.� Todd said acidicly, blowing smoke out his nostrils.
Kurt shook his head slowly. �You don�t have it.�
�And I don�t need you.� Todd sneered, as Kurt slid his fingers down the side of his face.
�I know.� Kurt said quietly.
Kurt�s hand slid around to Todd�s tangled hair, resting on the nape of his neck. Todd�s mouth cracked and split, lips pulling down into an ugly grimace. The cigarette tumbled and bounced off the knee of his jeans, landing on the boards of the floor and smoking.
�Fucking hate your guts�� Todd said, voice cracking.
Kurt leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his forehead, hearing Todd let out a shaky breath. The man�s hands were at his collar then, pulling at him convulsively, and Kurt wrapped his other arm around him.
�Son of a bitch.� Todd managed, pressing his face into Kurt�s neck, the muscles in his back jittering under Kurt�s hands. �Should of�fucking�.KILLED you��
�I know.�
Todd�s arms pulled around him and clutched at the back of his coat, taking up fistfuls and pulling the collar too tight around his throat. Kurt didn�t let him go. Todd felt shuddering and fragile like a dying bird, all ridges of bone and unclean skin. Todd made a whining noise in his throat and Kurt felt a kiss pressed to the underside of his jaw, Todd�s breath tickling his fur.
He felt vertebrae underneath his fingers. He wondered fleetingly if Todd was dying. And of what.
The ribs under his hand spasmed and Todd pulled up. He bit Kurt on the jaw too hard but then--
But then Todd was kissing him, mouth bitter and harsh, and Kurt clutched at him, digging nails into thin skin. Todd�s hands scrabbled at the zipper of his coat and ripped it down, clawing at his shirt with the same witlessness, and Kurt pulled back with a strangled sound. Todd stared at him, challenging.
Kurt took a deep breath to steady himself and pulled the coat off, tossing it away from the mattress. He sent his shirt the same way, not bothering with the buttons, and yanked his boots off. Todd stayed where he was, watching, and jittering, seeming unable to hold still inside his own skin. When Kurt had stripped himself down to the same condition Todd apparently lived in he reached for him, running a hand down a chest that had caved in, skipping fingertips down ribs like xylophone keys. Todd grabbed him, pulling him in and raking fingers through glossed fur over well trained muscles.
Kurt pushed Todd backwards onto the mattress. Todd didn�t put up a fight, just kept reaching for him, trying to hold onto him. Todd kissed badly, as badly as he had in high school, breathing too fast and biting at Kurt�s lip. Kurt pulled back to avoid it, kissing down the exposed tendon of his throat and making Todd whine.
Todd caught a fistful of fur on Kurt�s back and pulled. Kurt yelped and grabbed for his wrists, pinning them above Todd�s head and looking down at him for a moment, mystified.
�Sorry.� Todd whimpered.
Kurt left his wrists pinned. He kissed down to Todd�s chest, finding the dark bead of a nipple and licking at it, making Todd arch under him. Todd was making noise. Kurt couldn�t remember him ever making noise. He�d always been dead silent, biting his own arm if he had to. Todd was squirming and whimpering underneath him now, and he�d barely done anything.
He let go of one of Todd�s wrists and began unbuttoning the man�s jeans. That hand flew immediately to Kurt�s shoulder and caught a fistful of fur, and Kurt winced. Todd had never done that before, either. He hauled the jeans down (Todd was wearing nothing underneath) and managed to get them off, turning them inside out in the process. He threw them somewhere in the room, and heard them crash in the litter. Todd grabbed for him again. Kurt kissed him, resigning himself to it, as Todd hauled him down on top of him.
Todd couldn�t hold still. Squirming and pulling and biting, he gave a whine of protest when Kurt jerked back with a bleeding lip, keeping himself clear of Todd�s mouth. Todd stuck his own wrist between his teeth and bit down, whimpering as Kurt pushed his legs apart and settled between them, licking at Todd�s erection and leaving streaks of blood in his wake.
There was nothing even remotely useful as lubricant. Kurt, unwilling to put his hand in Todd�s mouth to use slime, used his own spit, pressing an oversized finger into Todd and listening to the man gasp and whine, trying to hold him still with one hand. He wondered just when in the past ten years Todd had changed. When he had gone from silent and stone faced to squirming and squealing and biting and apparently unable to control himself. Probably about the same time he�d started using whatever drug was in his system. Kurt hesitated. After a moment, Todd made a frustrated noise and propped himself up to look at him, eyes glazed and slightly feverish, mouth reddened.
�What are you waiting for?� Todd demanded, pressing his hips up pointedly.
Kurt crawled up, putting his hands on either side of Todd�s ribs and fumbling to unbutton his trousers. Todd startled him, running a curiously tender hand through his short hair. Kurt blinked at him, but Todd clawed his shoulder and made an impatient noise, so he hitched his trousers down, lined himself up, and pressed in.
Todd yelped and pulled at Kurt�s fur, making him freeze halfway with a pained noise and try to shrug out from under Todd�s grip. Todd wouldn�t let go. Kurt carefully pried Todd�s hands out of his fur and pinned them beside his head, ignoring a faint struggle on Todd�s part to get them back. Then he started moving again. Todd arched, squirming under him, and for a moment Kurt worried he was hurting him. But it didn�t look like pain.
Todd fought for control of his arms. Kurt wouldn�t let him have them. The noises he made were hypnotic, panting and gasping, whining and whimpering, grunting when he had to; they overpowered the sound of the street below and the ramblings of the other tenants, filling Kurt�s ears.
Todd strangled himself, and it took Kurt a moment to realize his jaw was working, trying to form words.
�In�in high school�� Todd panted desperately, arching his back and trying to hold a train of thought against overwhelming odds. �In high school� I knew�you weren�t� ever�ever�.ah! gonna�.� Todd threw his head back, brow furrowed in concentration and pulling against Kurt�s grip on his arms. �I knew you weren�t gonna leave her�for me� but I was�. I was so� I was so fucking in lo�lo�uh! so�.�
Kurt let go of one of Todd�s wrists, reaching down between them and grabbing Todd�s dick, stroking him and shattering the confession with a squeal. Todd arched and scrabbled for Kurt�s shoulder with his free hand, digging his fingernails into the meat as Kurt jerked him the few short steps to completion, finishing him with a scream and a sob. Todd went limp against the mattress as Kurt worked his own way to release. He shuddered and slumped over Todd�s chest, panting. Todd did not move.
After a moment, he looked up at him. Todd�s eyes were closed, his head back at an uncomfortable angle. Kurt�s heart stuttered and he stuck his fingers under Todd�s jaw, checking for a pulse. He found one, fast but there. He let his breath out in a puff of relief. Unconscious, not dead. Sex was probably a little much for him, in his state. He crawled off Todd carefully, tugging his trousers back up and buttoning them. There was spend smeared in the fur of his belly and he rubbed at it, smearing it in and making it unrecognizable, except, perhaps, to Amanda. He�d have to clean that out before he went home.
He waited for the pang of guilt when he thought about her. When it came, it was faint, vague and undefined. His fingers wandered absently to his wedding band, smudging it with Todd�s drying semen. He was unimpressed be his guilt.
He�d fucked Todd first, of course. Before Amanda had even known his name, Todd had had him underneath the bleachers during a football game, risking exposure, risking everything. It was the best he could ever remember. He thought about it, sometimes, when he was making love to his wife.
She didn�t know.
He snuck through the litter and retrieved his shirt and his coat, putting them on and settling his appearance carefully. He turned on the holographic projector. Once more, he looked like a yuppie in clean clothes and expensive shoes. The illusion was perfect. And easy.
Todd was still sprawled on the bed, legs spread and head back, stomach streaked with come. Kurt knelt next to him and gently rearranged him, pulling his legs straight and repositioning his head so he looked at least slightly less painful. Todd didn�t even flinch. He wondered if he should leave him cash for food. He needed it, but he knew he�d just spend it on whatever the hell was killing him. He looked at him for a moment. Then he pulled his coat off and draped it over Todd�s chest, a makeshift blanket. It wasn�t cold, but it was wrong to leave him like that. Even Todd. He placed a careful kiss on Todd�s forehead. Todd slept on like the dead.
Kurt stood up and looked around to see if he�d forgotten anything important. Fingering the wedding band on his left hand, Kurt disappeared from the little room in New York City. A smoggy breeze stirred the stale air, cycling out the evidence of his departure.
***
It was summer. Early summer, barely out of spring, and Amanda sat at the kitchen table, teeth thoroughly brushed after her 6am bout of morning sickness and tea cup resting on top of her belly. The little girl inside it was swimming laps this morning, apparently. Bless her. Of course.
Her To Do list today was relatively short, considering her condition; she wanted to hang some pictures in the nursery and get the living room vacuumed. If she was feeling ambitious she�d tackle the dishes in the sink. If not, she�d make Kurt do them when he finally got out of bed. Whenever that happened to be. And after he showered.
Kurt had come home last night. Late, at nearly three o�clock. She�d woken up out of a bleary doze and rolled to look at him, feeling like a beached whale on the mattress. She�d seen his eyes glowing yellow in the dark. But he wasn�t looking at her. She�d muttered something vague and sleepy while he fumbled out of his clothing and put his holowatch on the bedside table, then slid under the covers beside her, spooning up to her back and wrapping a protective arm around her belly. She�d snuggled up to him contentedly.
Kurt had smelled like cigarettes. Cigarettes and flesh and sex, but not like a woman�s sex. Kurt had pressed his face to the back of her neck, smelling her perfumed smell, and rumbled contentedly. He�d drifted off not soon after.
Amanda laid awake until dawn, when her stomach had compelled her out of bed and into the bathroom. As she�s sat there with her head in the bowl, feeling miserable and nauseous, she�d only thought �He�s doing it again. He�s doing it AGAIN.�
Maybe it was because of the baby. Because in her condition they couldn�t have sex, and nausea forbid her from doing anything for him. Just like before, when faith forbid them from doing anything, way back in high school, and Kurt had instead done it with Todd.
Who was he doing it to now?
Amanda had stood up and brushed her teeth, scrubbing viciously at her molars with the toothbrush. In a month, the baby was due. In a few months after that, they could have sex again. And maybe then things would be okay. Maybe then.
In the kitchen, Amanda drained her teacup and pushed herself to her feet, going to the sink to rinse the cup out. Out the kitchen window, outside the little white picket fence Kurt had put up mostly as a joke, two little girls were walking to school, lugging backpacks and kicking at pebbles in brightly colored shorts and tank tops. They were talking about something, something that required grandiose gestures and wide eyes. Amanda smiled and leaned her hip against the counter, putting a hand on her belly.
At her last ultrasound, the doctor had confirmed that their baby girl had a tail. But she was healthy and she was intact, and as long as they were willing to raise her with understanding and compassion, everything would�
�Everything�s gonna be okay.� She said quietly, rubbing her belly as she watched the little girls disappear around the street corner. She wasn�t sure who she was trying to convince, her daughter or herself. �Don�t you worry about a thing, baby girl. Everything is gonna be okay.�
She watched where the girls had disappeared, standing in the silent house. Then, ambling slowly, she went to find the vacuum cleaner and tackle the living room floor. It was summer in Bayville. It was summer in America. And she knew that, for a new mother and her new baby, everything was going to turn out alright.
It just had to.