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Hillary Clinton cited a quote, "It takes a village to raise a child." With regard to the frum world, I would like to state my humble opinion. The influence of parents through direction and guidance is only a partial aspect of a child's growth. Parents must look to the "village", or people within and outside of the immediate (frum) community, to get the required involvement for their child, at different intervals of the child's life (i.e., friendship, education). Conversely, how that child is reared is also effected by that same village. In keeping with this concept, another phrase comes to mind, written by the poet, John Donne. He says, "No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main." It stands to reason that when a human being makes a choice, the person's decision or action usually either directly or inadvertently affects the next person.
Having the above thoughts in mind, I would like to refer to a three-part article that was printed in the Family Matters section of The Jewish Press of August 15, 22 and 29. In the series, The Apple Does Not Fall Far From The Tree -- Or Does It?, Rabbi Simcha and Chaya Feuerman presented their partial explanation to help parents understand why a child may choose to live a different lifestyle than that with which s/he was reared. The thoughts, illustrations of support and conclusions that were presented by the Feuerman's seem to have one focus; parents. I agree that parents are an integral part of a child's life, whose influence greatly impacts upon the child's future. I also believe that parents' feelings of observance are most definitely influential both subtly and obviously. However, there is a difference of opinion that exists, that does not exclusively focus on parents as a subject for understanding the off the derech/at-risk phenomenon.
I would like to humbly bring to the attention of the readers a broad based comprehension of this phenomenon that is plaguing our society today. What I offer to the readership is information that I have gleaned from the therapy and methodology that my husband and I have learned, embraced and followed during these past four years. Many of the tools we used helped us heal first, so that we would be able to then help our child heal. Part of that healing process was understanding that in many cases and situations, parents are not to blame. While parents should take responsibility for their sometimes indiscreet actions toward their child, it does not necessarily follow through that a child going off the derech becomes that way exclusively as a direct or indirect result of some specific indiscretions that were enacted by the parents. Of course this does not excuse a parent's lack of responsibility nor does it give permission for parents to shirk their responsibility of learning and implementing the best parenting skills possible. This includes learning to handle difficult situations that may sometimes constitute a different method of parenting than one is accustomed to using.
Parenting entails both a moral and a religious obligation as well as responsibility to one's conscience and to Hashem. Charged with this duty, parents should try to educate their children through role modeling as well as verbalization. They should also be careful to display sincerity in their attitude and actions along with altruism in their feelings. In other words, they should embrace observance of the mitzvos through love. Living this way can help eliminate hypocrisy in the home. Thus, it gives children the opportunity to emulate the observance as well as the feeling behind observance of the mitzvos. In addition, parents should also be mindful of their relationship toward their children. Parents cannot expect to receive respect from their children if they do not act respectfully toward their children, especially in today's times when derech eretz is so sorely lacking in the world. Again, as with other areas, parents must at least attempt to be the role model in order to give their children the opportunity to follow in their path. This is called hishtadlus. However, what of the end results?
It is possible to assess and evaluate four different case scenarios, whereby varied parenting methodology is being implemented, and each achieves a different outcome. One set of parents might be putting forth their greatest degree of hishtadlus, are excellent role models for their children (including their feeling behind observance of mitzvos) and still one child goes off the derech. A second set of parents may be observing mitzvos but are not careful in their attitudes and feelings in relation to observance, and one child goes off the derech. The third set may do and observe the same as the second, and none of their children leave yiddishkeit, while a fourth set of parents may be dysfunctional and yet none of their children go off the derech. There is no logical sense to the outcome of any of these family situations, and one cannot ascertain that the child who does go off the derech in any of these cases is a direct or indirect exclusive result of what the parents did or did not do. That being the case, what information do we have to help us understand how to prevent this plague from spreading or at least to diminish the numbers that are growing at an alarming rate?
In the past few years, there has been much discussion by many competent therapists in the field of struggling adolescents. After extensive research, the professionals have reached a conclusion in response to why so many struggling teens today choose to rebel through an emotionally and religiously unhealthy lifestyle. Their answer is that they have found NO SINGLE satisfactory explanation as to why certain children are effected and others are not. The best many of them seem to offer is a broad, complex understanding of the dynamics of this phenomenon and how intricate and very specific the issues are for each child involved. This idea is brought forth in a professional handbook,*Children in Crisis, Prevention, Detection and Intervention, published by Nefesh, the international network of Orthodox mental health professionals, and edited by Rabbi Shimon Russell and Dr. Norman Blumenthal. The various "reasons" that might explain this phenomenon are broken down into three clusters, with each cluster having sub-factors. In all, the professionals identified twenty-seven "risk factors" which, in combination, seem to affect these children's lives. A child's personality (including sensitivities and disabilities), the family situation/dynamics and the environment are the overall subject areas. The third cluster, the environment, defines the "village", encompassing both the community and the outside world, which I referred to at the beginning of this article. One more thing, let us be mindful of the Hashgacha Pratis (Divine Providence) that is involved in child rearing, which is the spiritual underpinnings of this phenomenon.
At this point, I would like to discuss a bit about the "village" and how it affects a child. Much of what I have to say is common knowledge. Yet, sometimes, not everyone within the village is aware of how some sensitive children are so terribly effected at various ages. Some children carry with them a great burden from the time they are very young. It is not my purpose to point a finger at any group, institution or people. I am trying to present information to the readers that is based on my own personal experiences as well as the experiences of so many families with whom I have been associated during these past four years. These families have been through a great deal of suffering. Many of these parents have had to stand by and watch their pained children slowly deteriorate before their very eyes, while not being able to do anything to stop the decline. Then there is another group; the educated parents who are diligently trying to hold on to their children in the hope of preventing a fall. Some of their intervention is humbling, yet they are still at the mercy of the village with regard to the hishtadlus that must be relied upon. The cause......
There is no one cause, but there may have been hurtful words uttered and/or harmful actions that have been taken by some people within the village. Whether they be peers or adult figures in authority, the results greatly impacted upon some of these children. In some cases, the hurt had been built up in the child's neshamah which, at some point, caused the child to finally "explode". The "acting out" was the means by which the child's pain was expressed. To continue this picture, when the child felt frustrated or was hurting, s/he may have sought an avenue of escape. The outside world now entered the picture. The Internet, movies, secular "teen" influence (including music and fashion), smoking, drinking, partying and yes, even drugs became new friends to this pained child. The result was a child who sank deeper into pain and depression. The deeper the pain, the more the child sought to escape or mask the pain. The more the child involved her/himself with these means of escape, the more confusing the situation became for the family, teachers, friends, neighbors and immediate community. Their initial reaction could possibly have even (non-deliberately) "pushed" the pained child further away. The child's pain, thus, intensified. This process now completed a full cycle.
Extended family, mechanchim, rebbeim, teachers, camp and youth group leaders, friends, neighbors, peers.....all represent the "village"; the inner community. I do not wish to speak of blame or fault. My sole purpose is to focus on areivus (responsibility to a fellow Jew) and to suggest what people can do. For those children who are hurting and have fallen, it has been humbly suggested by many in the field, that much of the relief appears to lie in the unconditional love, acceptance, understanding and patience that parents and the community could, and should exude. For those who are Boruch Hashem not hurting, I would not doubt that much of the prevention also lies in that same remedy.
At this point, I would like to comment about another group. This group consists of those children who have already been hurt, and have not yet fallen. These children's lives are at the mercy of some individuals within the village. A good judgment call by a compassionate human being can hopefully move them up and save them. A poor judgment call, rachmono l'tzlon, can probably pull them down. Unfortunately, due to a lack of education, there are too many people today who are making poor judgment calls. For now, though, I would like to focus on the positive. I am not exclusively referring to some of the professional mentoring organizations that have been successfully working with such children. I am actually speaking of some very loving, compassionate and caring young men and women who have become educated and have diligently worked on learning when, where and how to make appropriate decisions that have helped save many of these neshamos within Klal Yisroel.
I am familiar with one such an individual; a young woman who has sensitized herself to the pain of these children. She has been relentless in her willingness to "take a chance" on some of these children. Her motto is, "One neshamah is as important to save as the next; who is to say which one is more important than the next!" Perhaps their "look" is not exactly what the village feels it should be, but is that sufficient reason to exclude them and to make them feel unwanted and unloved? Do non-struggling parents in the village recognize that it could even happen to them, perhaps in three or four years down the pike? What then, would not such desperate parents wish to have a compassionate individual going that extra mile to help save their child?"
Taking a chance is about a leap of faith. Fear is usually the obstacle that does not allow one to make that proper judgment call. Fear also leads a person to say, "What will the others in the village think?" or "These children do not fit into our mold/agenda!" Lest we not forget that many of these children were living that same lifestyle as the others in the village until a recent shift. Should these now pained neshamos be cast aside because they were scarred and presently have difficulty living the way they use to live? Perhaps the challenge that Hashem sends to each village is to see how many people within the village can muster up sufficient compassion to help such children; to give these children a possible last chance before they do cholilah fall. In many cases, it can be accomplished if one's desire to help save neshamos is of the highest calibre.
In conclusion, parents must take their responsibility seriously, learn to listen to their children and understand their differences, while also being proper role models. As to the rest of the village, areivus should allow everyone to be mindful of their words, judgmental calls and actions toward children. Simply stated, children are effected greatly by the world around them, but mostly by the world close to them. It takes a village to raise a child: It takes unconditional love, understanding and patience to reach a child.
�Debbie Brown, 2003
* Copies of the book, Children in Crisis: Prevention, Detection and Intervention, are available by calling the Nefesh office at (201)530-0010
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