It is not my intent to propose to the readership that people�s seemingly distant reactions toward the suffering parents are necessarily a deliberate or insensitive mode of thinking. My suggestion does not lay blame nor does it point the finger at any particular people who may come across as displaying a lack of care or concern. I have come to understand that many people are simply uneducated about the problems and issues at hand. In viewing these people, it is possible to perceive their reactions and attitudes in a number of possible ways. Some people seem to act cold or may even ignore parents who are in the parsha (segment) of struggling teens. Even friends may be perceived as being distant when greeting these parents. Then there is the remainder of the community who may include fellow shul members, school parents, neighbors, relatives and possibly extended family. In each case, reactions may vary in degrees. As a result, trust becomes a new issue. With whom can the parents trust to speak honestly and openly? Will opening up about their feelings and pain also open them up to judgmental reactive statements? When parents are confused and in pain, why would they want to face more pain? Who would want to have salt rubbed into an existing open wound?

As some parents have experienced, a newer type of casual greeting may take place as they encounter certain acquaintances. A gentle nod and a cool hello may have replaced an otherwise warmer type of acknowledgment. The past, common mode of speaking suddenly shifts. The acquaintances may be experiencing a discomfort to engage in the �normal� conversation that they have done in the past. They may not consciously even be aware of this action or of its source. After some time of noticing similar reactions from a number of people, these parents may associate a new common development. It is a feeling and possible perception that some people in the outside world are avoiding and rejecting them. Feelings of abandonment thus may ensue.

On the other side, some people may be so fearful of the situation that they may view the parents and their family as a pariah or a leper. The ill-at-ease and discomfort feelings can lead people to think that this family is tainted and their �problem� is tantamount to being contagious. This non-sensible presumption may be silly, yet it is often true. Unfortunately, the degree of fear that this unknown phenomenon suggests, produces and generates many unfound and illogical reactions. Let us also consider the following fact. Professionals in the field have researched and concluded that there is no rhyme nor reason to the effect of this plague. There are only possible causes whose dynamics are so extremely complex, with no definitive and concrete answers as to whom this epidemic affects and why. As a result, many people feel that, �If it can happen to this good family, then it could happen to ours.� In a sense, such reactions are quite similar to those families who are coping with a child that is suffering with a deadly illness. One difference, though, is that people are familiar and do understand physical ailments. The phenomenon of struggling teens who leave the fold of yiddishkeit along with living an unhealthy lifestyle is strange and extremely frightening because it is a fairly new experience in our religious world.

Getting back to the distant feelings that both the families and the outsiders are experiencing.....The question then is, �Which comes first, the chicken or the egg�? Who is truly distancing themselves from whom? Is it the parents who feel alienated from others because of their perception and assumption of what others are thinking about them? On the other hand, do the acquaintances view the parents in an uncomfortable way and do not know how to act toward them due to their own misperception and confusion of the subject matter? As the dictionary explains the term perception, we are referring to feelings that are exuded by the pained parents that are based on their own conjecture, discernment and interpretation of �reading� the others� attitudes and reactions. This understanding may not necessarily be based on reality or truth. It may also be compromised or hindered by the parents� biases and/or personal (bad) feelings. In consideration of this conflict, I would like to discuss this common feeling that many families go through at the outset of parenting a struggling adolescent.

To begin with, let us try to understand some of the reasons why parents face feelings of rejection and abandonment. Even if it were possible to perceive negative vibes from acquaintances, how can parents perceive a negative attitude from people closer to them? In answering these questions, I would like to offer a few thoughts that are based on some of my own experiences, my humble opinion as well as information that I have gleaned over the past few years from speaking to many families who have experienced just this phenomenon.

Many parents relate a statement (quite similar to one another) when they first notice their child displaying a consistent shift in behavior, attitude and/or dress. They indicate that they are mystified and question where the downfall began, why it began and what steps led to the downfall. At the beginning phase of entering this new realm of struggles, parents are also trying to seek quick answers and resolutions in attempting to assure themselves that their child will not sink further and plummet. The combination of these two aspects of the phenomenon is enough to instill a great degree of fear into the parents. In addition, there are also many more reasons that fear enters into their lives. Here are but a few. Parents may �push� their children into following their agenda. Their consideration is that if they �push�, their child may get better soon, or at the least, will not get worse. In keeping with that thought, most parents may have difficulty in giving their child that extra space, a gesture that probably would serve as a healthier choice for the current status. Some of their concern is due to their own feelings of parental and religious responsibility with which they must account to their conscience. On the other hand, many parents run into the problem of how others will view THEM if they are too liberal with giving their child some extra space. Another worry is what ramifications will develop as a result of their child�s choices. What will the school system say when they find out that their child is living a newer and different lifestyle (�How would it look if I don�t stop my daughter from wearing inappropriate clothing?�; �What will the shul people say about me if my son stops to daven?�)? Will their child be kicked out of school? Will friendships be halted by the parents of their child�s friends ( �Your son is a bad influence on my son and I cannot allow my son to remain friends with yours�)? Will some neighbors not allow their children to associate with the siblings of the household due to their overall fears of the unknown? Family and friends may also become somewhat judgmental in their thinking and verbalize their feelings, albeit in an unintentional and non-deliberately hurtful manner.

Very often, parents� concerns reflect their feelings and perception of how the outside world will view them with decisions they make based on their parenting skills. In addition, parents are also worried that others will judge them because of their child�s actions. In other words, the parents perceive others as blaming them for their child�s shift in lifestyle (as reflected in the above questions where �I� and �me� are emphasized). Sometimes, though, these fears are not just a perception, but a reality, again due to lack of education. On an interesting note, while this concept may have been an accepted way of thinking in previous generations, it nevertheless serves as an anachronism today. The world seems to be more educated and sees things from a very different perspective. This new education has taught us that while parents are responsible to teach and guide their children with the best education possible, parents are, nevertheless, not responsible for their child�s decisions. Children do have a mind of their own, their own philosophy, theology and agenda. In keeping with that thought, we must understand that children will make decisions that are not necessarily in sync with their family�s way of living. When this happens, parents, who are still indoctrinated with that anachronism, will have difficulty understanding a concept that contrasts that idea. Parents, thus, remain in a state of confusion when the shift begins. It is this quandary and multitude of fears that lead parents to become depressed, thus displaying an emotion that may seem to indicate distance. This distance can be interpreted or perceived by others as a deliberate act of withdrawal. Yet, in most cases, this is not a deliberate act. In the majority of situations, this distancing is a symptom of anxiety, embarrassment, fear and feeling of aloneness.

Most parents think that the outside world does not understand the emotions that they are currently feeling.

As a result, parents create an almost self-imposed lonely world in which they find themselves living. The worst feeling that many parents seem to come across is the sudden �lost� feeling where they feel that their world is caving in on them. Many parents have been known to make remarks such as, �I keep thinking of my child when s/he was young, smiling and so happy. What happened to her/him? S/he is so miserable now. That one-time happy child is a very depressed and angry person. My heart aches for her/him and my world is totally shattered. I cannot think or sleep; I just cry a lot . There is no one who understands what I am feeling or going through. I feel so alone.� This lonely feeling also often goes hand in hand with feelings of some jealousy that their friends or relatives seem to have �normal� children and moving along life in a �normal� and orderly fashion (i.e. high school, seminary/college or yeshiva, marriage, children...). The end result are parents who withdraw themselves somewhat from those with whom they had a one-time closeness, and a possible complete withdrawal from others in their lives. The total outcome, on both sides, is an air of rejection and abandonment that permeates the environs.

In seeing both sides of the coin, I find that there is a greater clarity to understand and appreciate the in-depth complexity of the situation. Thanks to a recent conversation with a friend, I am now more aware of what some people from the �other side of the coin� understand, feel and perceive. However, most people deep in pain have difficulty �seeing� the other side. That is why, inasmuch as both sides seem to share a similar �distant� feeling, it is my humble opinion, that the one who is suffering should be the one to be given the consideration. In other words, one should not expect a suffering individual to approach a healthy person to report that s/he needs chizuk (support). Such an individual requires healing and much of the healing comes from encouragement and support of others within the community. Thus, as a result of this chizuk, parents can develop less anxiety and fears, their pain can be diminished and they can rather concentrate on helping their child heal.

What I have concluded about this subject of �distancing� is that misperceptions and misinterpretations generally lead to negativity and bad feelings. While this concept very often is at the underpinning of ill-feelings on all sides, it behooves all of klal yisroel, even pained parents, as difficult as it may be, to at least make attempts to view others with the benefit of the doubt. Pirkei Avos teaches us (Avos 1: 6) �Hevai don es kol ha-adom l�kaf zchus� (judge all people favorably). We are not cognizant of the feelings and thoughts that lurk in the minds and hearts of others. Since we do not have ESP and cannot read minds, we have a disadvantage. On the other hand, it is probably just that reason why Pirkei Avos suggests this thought as a tool with which to conduct our lives. No doubt, this tool is made available to us as an instrument of growth. Would we be privy to what the next person would be thinking, we would possibly avoid errors and painful, judgmental statements. Doing this, no doubt, would eliminate an opportunity of bchira chofshis (free choice); of making a right or wrong choice in action or thought. This choice is that instrument whereby Hashem presents opportunities to us for the purpose of our growth. Growth is the reason we are here on this world; the means by which we will perfect our neshamos in reaching our goal of shlaymus (spiritual perfection).

It is my hope that in reading this article, the outside world will begin to view parents of struggling teens in a newer light, through a different perspective. In so doing, people can take advantage of implementing a chesed toward these parents. Parents of struggling teens need warmth, care, concern and support. Life is difficult enough just trying to get through each new day while coping with the various newer and older struggles. The only suggestion I would like to add is in using common sense. In my experiences and travels, the following fact was brought to my attention. Not every parent who has a struggling teen wants to be approached. Also, in certain instances, some parents may be in denial of their child�s struggles altogether. While such a possibility may exist at the outset within some family circumstances, it still does not preclude putting into effect warmth and care by just smiling and saying hello. In most situations, though, checking with a close friend who is aware of the family dynamics may be a smart move in knowing how to proceed in doing this chesed. It does not take much effort. It only takes the desire to have compassion for some very sad and pained individuals. The choice then becomes, �Will you be the chicken or the egg?�

�Debbie Brown, 2003
 

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Links and Dr. Belsky's articles:
MASK
Introduction to Retorno 2003
Stages of Recovery in a MASK group
MASK Parents at Work