|
In the May 9th issue of the Jewish Press, the Feuerman�s ask a question that, in my humble opinion, is very vital to a family relationship and is a very potent and poignant question. Should Parents Love A Child Unconditionally when a child displays consistent negative behaviors? No doubt, many parents who detect signs of negative behavior in their children probably ask themselves just that question.. Parents may notice patterns of abhorrent conduct or a conflicting demeanor. They may react with a statement such as, �My child is out of control.� Yet, at the same time, parents may be also baffled and mystified in recognizing or understanding its source. Parents� natural tendency or reaction to such behavior may be a combination of one or more of the following: shock; anger at the chutzpah; fear for what has been transpiring both to their child and to themselves and worry about the impact on the rest of the family. This worry can take one very far and wide, perhaps even into the future. Parents� concern may be anywhere from, �What effect will this behavior have on the younger children?� to �How will this effect shidduchim in our family?�
For the purpose of this article, I would like to pose another three questions with responses that are my humble opinion. Before I do, though, I would like to state that my opinions are based on my family experiences in parenting a struggling teen for the past three years. My ideas and thoughts are rooted in the excellent education and training that my husband and I received from our outstanding, compassionate and caring therapist. The knowledge that we had gleaned from our teacher helped us not only cope with some very difficult situations, but also helped us understand our tafkid (purpose) and responsibility in our role as parents of an anguished neshamah. Yes, a child with issues very often manifests itself through expressions of negative behavior. Such a child has a tormented and pained neshamah.
The focus and key to helping our child was based on unconditional love. We learned that parents must work on loving their child despite any negative behavior or choices of lifestyle that is different from their own. Loving one�s child is acknowledging that the child is a gift from Hashem to help the parents grow. The child is given in the parents� charge to love, to protect and to help it fulfill its purpose on this world. It is not the prerogative nor the decision of the parents whether or not they wish to receive this particular neshamah with all of its challenges. Parents are given a specific neshamah in the body of a specific child to guide and to direct. This means that it is the parents� responsibility to unconditionally love that child just for that reason and for that reason alone.
Back to my three questions....The first, �Could parents love their child unconditionally despite such negative and abhorrent behavior? The answer is, �Probably, not.� How can one love one�s child when the child shames and embarrasses the parents, when the child is so terribly defiant and unruly in school and/or at home and when the child is so insolent and chutzpadik to them? It is extremely difficult and almost impossible.
The second question is that which was asked in the May 9th issue, �Should parents love a child unconditionally if the child is disrespectful, truant, abusive, etc.?� My response is, �most definitely yes!� As indicated above, it is incumbent upon the parents to love their child despite any negativity. Matter of fact, I would like to suggest the following as an analogy and as food for thought. Hashem sends down many neshamohs to this world in the form of physically or mentally handicapped children. We generally refer to such children with a kind and compassionate adjective known as challenged. Challenged refers both to their own struggles of coping and dealing with life�s hurdles and vicissitudes. Yet, it also pertains to those charges who are at the receiving end of the child�s difficulties. In other words, parents of those struggling children have their own set of struggles and obstacles. They must contend with their personal difficulties and pain while they watch their children deal with the pain and hurt that accompanies the challenges.
When a child misbehaves in a consistent manner and is abusive, truant and/or unmanageable, this child is expressing her/his pain that emanates from the deepest recesses of her/his neshamah. This child is probably hurting and has probably experienced some very emotionally painful inflictions that has caused the child to react in the manner in which s/he has. The negative behavior is probably the neshamah crying out where the voice of the child cannot. The immature child cannot express that which is causing the hurt, or may be afraid or intimidated to express what s/he is keeping inside. Instead, s/he expresses her/his hurt feelings through negative behavior. Why then is this child not given similar consideration for her/his challenges and struggles as the physically or mentally challenged child? Why do we see such a child as a pariah? If parents can unconditionally love a physically or mentally challenged child, then parents should most definitely be able to love an emotionally challenged child.
The third question is, �Would or will you love your child unconditionally?� The response is within the realm of the parents. This response depends on the person�s b�chirah chofshis (free will). It is up to the parents to learn to understand their child�s cry and call for help. No doubt, consistent negative behavior and acting out is a manner in which the child is asking for help because s/he does not know how to verbally state it. The response should not be rejection nor pity but rather the desire to accept the child with all her/his faults, and to love the child unconditionally. It is only through accepting one�s child �as is,� with all the flaws, that the child can eventually live an emotionally healthy life. This is where self-esteem does come into the picture. Rejection is a sure way to diminish a child�s self-esteem and self-respect. This is not what we want to do to our children. We want to help them learn how to live in this difficult world with all of its obstacles. We want our children to learn how to cope, how to love and how to live in a secure and healthy manner. This can only be accomplished with demonstrating unconditional love.
At this point, I would like to share some possibilities that can take place if unconditional love is NOT enacted. The impact and repercussions that may ensue can affect the entire family; the parents, the difficult child and the other children. As lack of unconditional love slowly builds, it can erode whatever little love exists between parents and child. Eventually, this erosion can lead to resentment and rejection. This erosion can affect the child with another build-up; of anger. As anger builds within the child, contentiousness grows between child and parents. The home can become permeated with unrest and sometimes even hatred. The more fury, the more fuel to feed the fire of further negative behavior, anger, and resentment. What I have illustrated is a catch-22 effect. What can G-d forbid develop, is a battleground zone.
My fourth and last question is How can we learn to love our child unconditionally despite the negative behavior? The answer to that question is by learning from our best role model, from Hashem. We are taught that we must emulate Hashem in every which way. There are many times that the Torah speaks of Hashem as a compassionate father who, despite negative behavior of his children, still is compassionate and does not punish them; he rather gives them time and waits for them to repent. He still loves them unconditionally despite their behavior. This is what we must emulate and embrace. While we can excuse ourselves and say that we are merely human beings and are not capable of enacting the same as Hashem, nevertheless, we must diligently attempt to reach that goal. We must work on ourselves to grow, to reach that level where we are able to love our child unconditionally despite the flaws of negativity. One of the skills that can help us reach that level is learning to raise our compassion for our children who are flawed. This again, is emulating Hashem�s methodology of compassion. As I said, Hashem is providing us with the skills that we need to help us reach that point. He is serving as the role model and is consistently demonstrating to us, His children, how to be compassionate to our children. We must take these lessons from Hashem and learn them well so that we can implement them and grow. As we grow, so will our children and they, in turn, will learn from us, their role models.
One more thing, and this is more of a warning. If parents do demonstrate unconditional love, this does not mean that the child will automatically and immediately become at ease and more calm. Parents should NOT have high expectations for the child to exhibit immediate changes. We are the mature parents; the child is immature and reactive. We must have that thought in mind and expect very little. This means that we must not stop demonstrating and enacting unconditional love even if we do not see an immediate difference. The hope is that eventually, with utilizing appropriate parenting skills and demonstrating constant and consistent unconditional love, the child will become reconditioned in her/his attitude When the child no longer has fuel for her/his fire and feels the love, the child will want to accept that love and return it.. We must be patient until such time arrives. This does not mean that it will be easy. All challenges are difficult; that is why they are challenges. It is up to each individual to take his and her challenge head on and to see it to its fruition. The one other area that can help the individual to cope and get through such a challenge is the power of Tefillah. It is most helpful with such a difficult challenge as this, to ask Hashem to give us the inner strength to help us raise the compassion and love within ourselves that will allow us to properly demonstrate unconditional love. Thereafter, the will is our own to do as we choose.
It is now three and a half years since my husband and I have entered a new realm of struggling adolescence. I see the good outcome that exists within so many families that have utilized unconditional love as the basis for their family dynamics. I have also experienced within our home how much growth a family can achieve, how much more warmth and calm can permeate the family structure. From my own experience and those of many other families, I can vouch for the fact that IT DOES WORK! It takes much work, inner strength and patience. Yet that is exactly where our growth takes place. There is light at the end of the tunnel!
|
|