As denial is the first and most difficult stage to cope with and to get through, I will reserve discussion of it to later. Anger is multifaceted. It brings to mind everyone and anyone. Very often, the one on the immediate receiving end of the parents� resentment and anger is the struggling child. �How could s/he do this to us?� Others at the receiving end may also be the chinuch system including teachers and principals, the child�s friends, the siblings and perhaps even the grandparents. Finally, at some point, each spouse may become angry with one another. Then, when all fails and one does not receive solace from the satisfaction of the wrath that seethes, parents, regretfully, turn their anger on to G-d.... � How could Hashem do this to us? We have done everything right in parenting this child. We spent so much money on this child when we saw problems arising. We have put our heart and soul into making sure that our child will have every opportunity to grow and to become a productive member of society. How can s/he be at-risk? We are so involved in the tzibur and do so much for our community. How can Hashem allow this to happen to us?� This fierce emotion goes hand in hand with blame, and when left to fester, produces strong feelings of hostility. The intense feelings can only lead to an unhealthy home environment where everyone in the household suffers. The rage gives rise to more blame, thus, a vicious cycle has developed.

As the parents notice further escalation of their child�s defiant behavior and change in lifestyle, they may tend to do anything possible to try to stop the problems from intensifying even more. They may endeavor to control and to �fix� the situation or their child in the attempt to change or halt the process. Bargaining describes this stage. Fixing it means that they may try to cut a deal with their child ( i.e. �If you keep to your curfew for two months, we will pay for your car insurance for six months�). This bribery may lead to further bribery and manipulation with little or no compliance on the part of the child. Some parents may even try bargaining with Hashem (i.e. �Hashem, we will do such and such if You protect our child from falling further). They may also feel that what is happening to their child is exclusively a punishment (to the parents) for something they did do or did not do. In attempting to control the situation, parents may make some inappropriate and harmful decisions that can �push� their child further away. Rather than giving the child her/his needed space, they may pressure their child to continue living the life that they had chosen for her/him to live. This may accelerate the alienation of the parent-child relationship and create a hostile environment in which to live.

It is very difficult and painful to have to be faced with the loss of the dream for which parents have hoped and prayed for since the child�s birth. This loss is the mourning period which these parents experience. Our indoctrination begins at a bris when all guests wish the baalei simcha that they be zoche to bring up (rear) their child to Torah, to the chupah and to ma-asim tovim (good deeds). As religiously responsible parents, we aspire to the positive outcome emanating from the brochos that were bestowed upon us at the bris. We spend years working on chinuch bonim by doing our part at home and seeking the best possible education for our child. We do everything we can in order to help our child grow to be that mentsch that will be involved in learning Torah and doing ma-asim tovim. Then the bomb hits! Even a son, who davened so beautifully in shul and shteiged at his learning.... even a daughter, who sat next to her mother at shul and davened while other girls ran around....is no longer. The interest changed and so did the lifestyle. The parents� dream is now lost. The parents are devastated and depressed as they lack an understanding or explanation of what had gone wrong. Not only do they begin to blame themselves and each other, but the depression is exacerbated by the judgmental statements of the outside world. Relatives, friends, school personnel and community people also do not comprehend the picture. The unfortunate and harmful results of this lack of education are blame and finger pointing. Parents not only receive the feedback, but because they do not understand the underlying factors of the scenario, believe and trust the world at large and blame themselves even more. Guilt now enters the picture which goes hand in hand with the blame.

The last stage is that of acceptance. Once the parents reach this stage and learn to accept the situation and their child for who s/he is, they have reached the peak of their healing process. They can now be more relaxed in acknowledging their role in the bigger picture. Being at ease with their child�s struggles can help them re-establish their family relationship, to one that is warm and loving. In recognizing that the struggles are here to stay for a while, the parents can understand that they cannot change or control their child; they can only change themselves. As they embrace new characteristics and make emotional changes, they automatically move up in the spiritual ladder. Understanding this concept gives them the ability to appreciate that having a struggling adolescent is a gift from Hashem, to help them grow as they help their child heal and grow.

Denial is the most difficult stage. On an interesting note, it is �normal� to experience. It may possibly even be a healthy one as it is a bridge between hopes and beliefs, and facing reality and truth. During this period, parents may say and do anything and everything in evading the truth that their child is struggling and/or at-risk. They may fabricate stories or sway facts (both to themselves and to others) in their attempts to veer from the truth. They may become defensive and excuse their child�s actions and behaviors or blame others as a coping mechanism for dealing with their denial. They may try to give themselves false hope in believing that their child is just passing through a typical adolescent stage and all will be good very soon. Parents may utilize bandage ideas such as implementing newer parenting suggestions that they glean from books and/or lectures. They may even seek professional intervention just so that they satisfy their parental responsibility to help their child get through this very brief stage. While it is okay for them to be in this �normal� stage, yet, sustained for too long a period, denial may become harmful. The familial situation may deteriorate as time goes on, especially if the parents do not become educated in how to cope with the various problems that may arise during this interval.

In acknowledging and coming to grips with some underlying factors that are the causes behind denial, it may be possible for such people to understand why they are having difficulty. Someone in denial may have many reasons for being in that state. For the purpose of this article, though, I would like to address three areas that are common to many people: personal arrogance; financial success and religious cause and effect. Personal arrogance gives the individual a feeling that s/he is better than the next person. It may be due to yichus or family connections, the person may be related to a famed individual in the frum world or the individual may have established her/his own personal fame through communal successful accomplishments. Having financial success may cause an individual to become a powerful leader in his community where his money can �buy� him almost anything. The myth of religious cause and effect has a tendency to �throw� the individual off track in understanding Hashem�s plan. Sometimes an individual deludes her/himself in believing that strict observance of mitzvos or dedication to many years of Torah study will protect her/him against any calamity. This in fact is contrary to chazal�s teachings that tribulations and challenges are an instrument of growth and increased spirituality.

In understanding the above reasoning why a person may be in denial, it is plain to see why it is so very difficult for such an individual to acknowledge and to jettison the denial. I have the greatest degree of empathy and compassion for this individual. It will have to take a great deal of fortitude to be able to get past those issues. I wish I had an easy answer or a quick fix to help this person accomplish this phenomenally great task. Unfortunately, I have none. Then what is s/he to do? Can such a person ever free her/himself from the prison of denial?.... It is my humble opinion that everything boils down to, �What does one want out of life, where do one�s responsibilities lie and most importantly, what is Hashem�s mission for the individual.� If a parent truly wishes to help her/his struggling child heal and grow both emotionally and spiritually, then it behooves the parent to do a great deal of soul searching. Once the person can get past that emotional and personality difficulty, s/he can then break through the stage of denial. Thus, the next step can proceed and the process can continue until all stages are completed. Healing can thus take place.

With regard to my husband and myself, we did not experience such a difficulty. We barely went through denial. At the outset, we recognized that there were problems and sought help immediately. We were zoche to have been led to an extremely qualified, erudite, compassionate and caring psychotherapist. He has educated us in learning how to cope with a struggling adolescent, taught us skills and tools and guided us every step of the way. Succinctly put, the foundation of our education entailed understanding the following five facts: 1) Facing the various challenges was about our own growth; 2) Everything that our child would be doing and going through in the next few years was about his own nisoyon (challenge) and not ours. Our nisoyon was being on the receiving end of his decisions and choices. Both our nisoyonos were linked yet each had its own integrity; 3) The struggles of the teen is a process and will therefore take time to resolve (till maturity sets in). We must be patient until such a time; 4) We cannot stop any part of the process from happening and we are best off not trying to �fix� things lest we hinder our relationship in the bigger picture and 5) We can only be there for our child and help him through the difficult times by demonstrating unconditional love and implementing firm, yet sensible and compassionate rules.

Many professional have varied ideas on how to cope with a struggling teenager. Some work and some don�t. There is also no guarantee for a child�s return to Yiddishkeit nor to a productive life in general. Our experiences and the methodology that my husband and I have followed have, Boruch Hashem, produced tangible results. All situations are different and all people are different. Although each family�s dynamic is different, it does not preclude putting into action the compassionate nature of such a concept that we have followed; for it is truly a combination of bein odom l�chaveiro and emulating the compassionate nature of Hashem. It is my hope that those who read this article take to heart the intensity and the destructive nature of remaining in an extended state of denial. At the other end of the pole, an uplifting and enriching experience await as one recognizes the possibilities and degree of growth that one can achieve by breaking away from the chains of denial. I wish all who endeavor to make a change within her/himself great inner strength to accomplish this feat.

Debbie Brown

�Debbie Brown, 2003
 

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Links and Dr. Belsky's articles:
MASK
Introduction to Retorno 2003
Stages of Recovery in a MASK group
MASK Parents at Work