Psychobabble
If you think modern life is much more complicate than in past generations, you’re only partly right. Actually, its modern vocabulary that’s gotten more complicated, and all those new words have been happily arranged by our leading psychologists and other ‘deep’ thinkers into an infinite permutation of grand concepts, theories, and other all encompassing explanatory devices that aim to explain why we behave in the often cantankerous ways we do. This new psychological liturgy can only be understood by the self elected priesthood of psychologists, who like modern Humpty-Dumpty’s explain things to be as they are because that is of course the way we are.
Got that? Well, who says that we can’t be like Humpty-Dumpty, and redefine the world with nebulous truisms? Clear thinking requires the use of words which have clear and distinct meanings; however, when clear meanings is perverted with words which have a multitude of meanings of no clear meaning at all, we have ‘psychobabble’. Psychobabble is something we can all find of very great value, since we can use it as a nifty replacement for thinking, and we will know that in this fast paced world, who has time to think? Through the selective use of psychobabble in social situations, we can definitively settle, or at least fog over many pressing personal problems. Psychobabble just sounds important and definitive, and as we all know from our own experience, if something sounds important and definitive enough, it must be true.
In the spirit of our times, we offer a psychobabblic interpretation of many of the very cryptic phrases we often utter to mark a particular psycho-sexual social situation. Although this is the next best alternative to the truth, it is a wonderful compromise on the cheap.
Plain Talk and Its
Psychobabblic Interpretation
Plain Talk: Boy! I would really love to hop your bones!
Psychobabble: I would enthusiastically elect to reach a penetrating communion with your whole being.
Plain Talk
: How about a date?Psychobabble: Would you like to form a dyadic pairing to explore mutually expansive issues related to interpersonal growth and sex appeal?
Plain Talk:
Not tonight, I have a headache!Psychobabble:
Your effort to force premature intimacy without consideration of my fragile ego state and low physical lability has resulted in this hysteric conversion reaction that will soon devolve into a punch in the nose if you don’t lay off!
Plain Talk:
I love you!Psychobabble:
Because of a history of mutual reinforcement and the facilitation of neural norepeniphrine linkages due to my prevalent psychobiologic reactivity to your body curvature and select bulges, I would much prefer to engage with you in a variety of intercourses, both social and otherwise.
Plain Talk: Hello, my name is Bob. What’s yours?
Psychobabble: Hi! Would you like to participate in an exchange of self-referential nomenclature leading to a progressively heightening plateau of mutual interpersonal discovery, dating, and salacious behavior?
Plain Talk: I think we should both be dating other people.
Psychobabble:
The progressive atrophy of my unconditioned positive regard for you has weakened irretrievably the positive valences which previously facilitated pair-bonding and conjugal arousal. Thus, I suggest that we escape our personal orbits by following a narrow vector into more satisfying erotic ventures.
Plain Talk: Will you marry me?
Psychobabble: Will you accede to the propitious formality bestowed by jurisprudence and symbiotically join with me in a legal and theological matrimonial bond?
Plain Talk: Before we go any further, you don’t happen to have any social diseases, do you?
Psychobabble:
Prior to our exchange of bodily fluids, I request that you declare the infectious agents, if any, that have proven resistant to your immune system, an document the morphological breakdowns attendant with you adherence to a sybaritic life style and too much fooling around.
Plain Talk: I’m Lonely
Psychobabble: The deprivation of socio-cultural and tactile stimulation has resulted in an anomie verging on semi-involutional catatonia that would have been assuaged if there was anything better to do on Saturday night but watch Melrose Place reruns.
Plain Talk: What position would you prefer?
Psychobabble: Of all prospective and outlandish physical linkages, which one correlates most reliably with your own elevated phenomenological experiences that have led to repeated climactic instances of physiological release and sustained jollies?
Plain Talk:
I’m pregnant!Psychobabble:
My determined effort to block sustained meiosis through the use of specific chemical agents was thwarted when the compound I consumed the night before was misconstrued to be other than Tylenol.
Plain Talk:
You are such a lovely person !Psychobabble:
Your regular features and select bodily curvature have elicited perceived ocular fixation, ribald fantasies and. hydraulic pressures.