Which is brought to you by me, Mark Doyle and me mind full of shite

I would just like to warn all you people to get a glass of water and prepared to be amazed by the amount of shite that has poured out of my brain and onto the web. Most of you have been scared quite frequently by this madness. Now it is time to spread the word...not the good word, but the word of shite, which I speak ...a lot...

But before we do that we have to look at Bob going to for a crap again...

LOOK AT 'EM GO!!!!

Now on to the story...

I happened to be walking along the road in Saigon, wit a big big gun called a Mallet 2000, this gun is fecking great, believe me, it has this big massive cap on the end of it, which not only shoots chickens, but ....donkey shite, yes my friends, donkey shite. I was jus walking along the road because the people at the hotel were being wankers and wouldn't let me use the toilet....wankers, KILL ALL THE HOTEL STAFF I WILL!!!! yes, again back to walking along the road, when this viet-cong guy comes up to me and asks me if I'm an American....( I think he must have been inbred or something, all I wud need to make me look even more American would be a massive sticker on my forehead saying "I'm AN AMERICAN, FOR ALL THOSE DUMBASSES OUT THERE!" and a big uncle sam hat, on top of my helmet) so natyourally I said no, because I'm Irish..... and he walked away sad because he couldn't kill me, but I called him back to go have a pint wit him, cus he may have been a dumbass but we all make stupid mistakes...maybe not as idiotic but still...so we all headed to this little hut off the mouth of a river, natyourally they had Guinness, like every good bar :), we both had a big drinking session then I remembered I had to go to the toilet so I found the nearest tree, and screamed on the top of my voice   "FWAH GRRRRRRRR!" and the viet-cong guy came running over to see what was happening, and seen that I was only squeezing out a tyourtle head, and he laughed at me, so I growled at him for interupting me  and finished off and then grabbed the Vietcong by the neck, and headbutted him, and he fell on his ass, " No Mr. Irishman, no hyourt me, I buy you more drink" and I shook my head and said  " you think you can buy me with drink? you insult me....make it 4 pints and a packet of peanuts," the Vietcong smiled and whipped out his wallet, and I did smile.

We both grabbed a seat and drank like nothing normal, so he starts talking about how many Americans he had killed, and the different techniques he's used " I kill many yankee scum, especially Texans, they big dumbasses Ahohohoho ( stupid Vietnameese laugh I thought to myself), " ...did you not say you were only a cook?" I said, and he replied " ah yes, me cook, but me kill yankee scum by bad food, ahohohoho" me serving in the American army, was offended, and demanded an appology, and he did so and bought me another pint, and promised never to cook again. After this I seen a pink elephant walking up to the bar and asking for a pint of harp, this is when I began to think something was strange...then  I heard this voice screaming at me and I woke up.
"DAMN you SHANE you WANKER! I was having such a kick ass dream," "FUCK UP DOYLE I HATE you!" he screamed back at me, "FUCK UP I HATE you MORE!" I screamed at him in reply, and he began to cry, I went to pat him on the back when I realised I had no right arm....

"Shane...." I said " Yea?" he said between crying and sniffling, " WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED MY ARM you WANKER!?" "It was in the cupboard,but eh, the guys sorta gave it to the Dog... The guys played a cruel joke on ya last night, they were trying to shave your head but becus they were pissed the accidently cut off your arm. So naturally when You accidently chop off someones arm you try and hide it and hope they dont notice that its gone" "Oh right, Wheres that fecking wanker Tots I bet he did this," I said         "well.... I wouldn't be too harsh on him, cus he mightnt have done it at all, ye know" and I replied " IT WAS you, you CUNT YA!" and shane replied " Aye it was, you think your bad, you shud see what we did to Tots, we cut his balls off trying to give him a tatoo by stapling a painting to his stomach, see we had to cut the painting a wee bit so we cut staple it to him, but we sorta cut off his scrotum instead....by god I bet he's glad he was pissed when that happened" " Jesus, I forgive ya, help me down to the local M*A*S*H* and ill get it sown back on" I said as I went to the cupboard to find my arm. When I opened the door I found my arm stapled to the wall with army jackets hanging on it. " Ah for god sake, now  were going to have to get more hangers" shane said. "Ahh I couldnt be bothered going to the M*A*S*H* unit now, and its a very nice hanger, I'm sore we could attach some motor and a remote to it and it cud open the cupboard and give ya your coat and everything! thatd be mad! and I smiled quite a lot, then I went into the kitchen and started to make a sandwhich, I grabbed a sharp knife to cut the bread, and called Shane in, " Aye wot do ye want?" he inquired "Cud you hold this breadboard for me?" I asked and he replied "For fuck sake, The A-Teams coming on!!!!" and grabbed the breadboard. I took the knife and pulled back the knife in a hilarious manner and slashed off Shanes arm " You think that I'm going to go without wanking the rest of my life you have another thing coming!" I grabbed his arm and ran out the door and ran down the street and nabbed a jeep, and drove very quickly to a M*A*S*H* unit and met the first doctor I cud see.

He was called Dr. Pierce and he said " Certainly sir, hold on till I sharpen this railing," "Cut the shit and sow me arm back on" I said and he went " Ah rite, rite, sorry I thought you were that guy looking to know about the horse down the road, its been raped by Major Burns again, we just cant find a good home for it because the damn Vietnameese would just eat it, damnit they near ate my jacket when I was operating, AND HE WAS UNCONSCIOUS!" " Ah rite, that's some serious shit mate, get it sorted, were meant to be a democratic state and there's people raping horses, what the hell is going on here!? " I shouted, "Ah don't worry, it'll be fine, the French are taking it to be properly fed and looked after" he said " WHAT?! YOUR GIVING AN ANIMAL TO THE FRENCH!? ARE YOU CRAZY MAN? IT'LL BE IN THE OVEN B4 THEY CAN GET IT BACK TO THEIR BASE!" "Crickeys your rite, but we'll sow your arm on first" he said and we both walked into the Operating room. So he sowed me arm back  on and everything was great, because I was jus sitting there having a drink wit Hawkeye ( Dr. Pierce) Trapper and Col. Blake, when Shane comes drives in the base in a jeep dressed in a white coat and a big funny beard, you cud tell rightly it was him because he had no arm, and he was looking the horse, " SHANE you ASSHOLE! LEAVE  THAT HORSE ALONE!!!!" I screamed at him. He began to cry again and shouted "But I only wanted to feed something to him" and he cried more. "....dirty bastard" I said as I walked away in disgust. So anyway, me wit a new arm, Shane with his knew victim...I mean horse, all grabbed the nearest jeep and went back to the base we were stationed, and everyone lived happily ever after...except for shane becus he needed to arms to mount his horse....heheheheh

By jesus that was a long story eh? I bet your eyes hurt if your not wearing glasses too? hehehehe well I hope ye liked the Big Mad Nam Story, was a good laugh eh? well I thought so :D thanx for reading it, if you actually did! grrr@people who didn't read it all grrrrrr