Minerva has been talking to me again, but I have no idea what she's been trying to say, and I can't seem to stop fighting her.

   I feel as if she's been pushing all the horrible memories on me of women who have hurt me very deeply in life. Beth especially seems to keep popping up unlooked for. Recently I've gotten in touch with more people on myspace, especially family, and apparently some of them are still in contact with her because she's been included on their friends lists. Every time I think of her I can't help but feel the rage and hatred boiling up in me, and become generally hostile in my thoughts of other women. This always brings up painful memories of the things my mother did to me, and the emotional mixture of my love, hate, awe, pitty and bitterness towards her become almost unbearable. Then I start thinking of how my mother was always the Goddess in my life. Strong, beautiful, vulnerable - yet terrible and cruel. It seems no matter what I do I cannot seem to reconcile my past. Sometimes I truely believe that if she just came to me and admited what she did, admited it was wrong and apologized - not making any excuses anymore - than I could finally forgive her, and perhaps all women. But deep down I know somehow that it will never be that simple. I wish it were. I love her so much that it hurts, and I can't think of her without this painful grief, always wondering if I did the right thing for both of us when I left her. Listen to me, "when I left her." It's as if I've always thought of my mother as my lover and partner instead of the parent she was supposed to be. Perhaps that is the root of my problem? I have no idea...

   The real rub in these thoughts in feelings is that I have no one to confide in. The only man I really talk to is my husband, who has heard it all before and because he can't relate, he can't think of anything to say. I can't bring myself to talk to another woman about it because - well, because that is the problem. I don't entirely trust women, and I don't entirely trust myself around them. Which brings me back to Minerva. I just can't bring myself to give in to her, and I keep fighting her, and I don't know how to stop.

to be continued....