| Jokes... || Two sausages are in a frying pan. One looks at the other and says, "Whew - it's hot in here." The other sausage says, "Oh my God! It's a talking sausage!" || Three men walk into a room. Two get shot. How many are left? Three�It's not like the two that were shot could get up and walk out! || Two Arkansans meet on a dusty, country road. One of them is carrying a big bag, labeled chickens. "Chickens, eh?" says his friend. "Hey, if i guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?" "Heck," says the guy with the bag. "You guess right, I'll give you both of 'em." "Um...five?" || A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night. All of a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out. "Jesus is gonna get you." The robber ignored it, and takes the tv. Again, the parrot cries out. "Jesus is gonna get you." The robber started to get a little worried. "What's your name, birdie?" "Moses." "What dumbass named you Moses?" "The same dumbass who named his rottweiler Jesus!" || A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!' The grasshopper looks surprised and says, "You have a drink named Steve?" || A stoner stumbles out of a party, and starts to walk home. On the way, he bumps into a guy who is all bloody and mangled. The guy limps up to the stoner and says "Call me an ambulance!" The stoner looks at him for a second, smiles and says, "You're an ambulance!" || A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head. Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!" The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around." || A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it! This one isn't wearing any shoes either!" || There was this American tourist in mexico, and he was getting tired of walking around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, ''Can I rent a donkey?' The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, We call them asses. This is the only ass I have left, and you have to scratch him when you want to make him stop." The guy rides his ass for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a hotdog. The vendor replies, "We don't call them hotdogs here. We call the wieners." Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to another tourist and says "Will you hold my wiener while I scratch my ass?" || Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes. His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!" His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!" |