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| 06/24/01: Musical Clarification Okay, first things first. I know my first two commentaries have been really really long, but I'm not sure how many times I'll actually have enough time on my hands to write that much here anymore. Definitely not today, so this week's commentary will be shortened down to the length of about 99% of the commentaries you normally find on a web page. Okay, for this week, I'm just going to clear something up, which seems to be a common misconception about me, and understandably so. Every now and then, someone tries to introduce me to some new artist or group I've never really listened to before, and they play it for me, and offer the disclaimer of "I'm not sure if you'll like it, cuz it isn't very hard." First of all, I take absolutely no offense to this remark, in fact I kinda like it. But it's still a false assumption. People also tend to assume that because it's heavy metal, I must like it. Also wrong. Fact of the matter is that I do enjoy music that isn't included in the genre of heavy metal. And there are heavy metal acts that I don't enjoy. Most obviously, those of you who have read my first commentary should now know that I do have an affinity for (good) country music. And when I say (good) country music, I'm referring to the trailer-park redneck style of country, not this atrocious pseudo-pop radio country style. I'm talking about David Allen Coe, Johnny Cash, Merle Haggard, Hank Williams Jr. Anyhow, for this week's commentary, I've decided to keep it remotely simple and compile a few lists which are relevant to my musical tastes. Top 5 Heavy Metal Acts I Don't Like 5) KISS - Okay, so I'm stretching on this one. First of all, my personal definition of heavy metal is designed in such a way that excludes some of the "metal" pioneers. I have nothing particularly against KISS, but I'm not a big fan. Some of their songs are classic ("Detroit Rock City", "Rock n Roll All Nite"), some of them grate my nerves ("Christine, Sixteen", "Do You Love Me"), but if people insist that they're heavy metal, then I insist that they're not very good heavy metal. 4) Power Ballads - A genre of music that tends to get misclassified as heavy metal. You know the genre where the male vocals are sung with a heavy reverb, each song comes with token guitar solo, and they all sound alike? Do the names "Poison", "Warrant", and "Nazareth" mean anything to you? Please don't call these glaring examples of industrial rock "heavy metal". And even as their own genre, even in their own little island, I still hate them. Well, actually, in this case, I love hating them. In the same way that I watch B-horror movies to laugh at them, I'd listen to power ballads just to make fun of them. 3) Napalm Death - A band that tries way to hard to be hard. I can't make out a single word they're grunting. 2) Dark Army - Such wasted talent. Some good heavy metal here, but it's tainted by an extremely annoying omnipresent cymbal. I mean, how can a heavy metal fan respect a band whose guitars seem almost secondary to the frustratingly rhythmic cymbals? 1) Any heavy metal band that relies on its name to define themselves as heavy metal - Look, guys, I want to listen to your music for your music, not for your band's name. As evil as you try to make yourself sound ("Born Again Pagans", "Dead Fetus"), I don't give a shit - I want to hear good music, not pathetic names! Top 5 Non-Metal Acts I Like 5) Bon Jovi - Very '80s. Some of Bon Jovi's songs make the milk in my stomach curdle, but they're also responsible for some of my all-time favourites like "Blaze of Glory", "Someday I'll Be Saturday Night" and "Wanted: Dead or Alive". 4) Pink Floyd - Need I say more? 3) Garbage - Pop electronica that's actually *gasp!* good quality music! 2) Beatles/Elvis - Duh. 1) Rolling Stones - Okay, this one was a giveaway, folks. For those of you who think that I only like heavy metal, do you guys not recall something along the lines of "Honky Tonk Woman" playing at each and every single damn hang and focus in the past 3 years? Note - I'll always love their songs, but every time I see them on TV, in their flashy clothes and facial make-up, I lose a bit of respect for them. But hey, I don't need to see them to listen to them, so, as my good friend M.H. used to always say, "it's all good." Top 5 Songs That Inspire Violence In Me (aka: The Morgan Palmer Award) 5) "Make Me Bad" - Korn: So moody that it puts me in a dark mood. Ric + Dark mood = Uh oh... 4) "Breed" - Nirvana: This one tends to invoke my inner rebel. I know, I don't strike most people as being a rebellious sort, but this song is capable of bringing it out of me. 3) "Demonoid Phenomenon" and "The Ballad of Resurrection Joe and Rosa Whore" - Rob Zombie: Pure violent energy, these two songs could inspire me to pick a fight with Triple-H. On that note, these songs could very well be responsible for my death one of these days... 2) "Disposable Heroes" - Metallica: Pure adrenaline music. 1) "Iron Man" - Black Sabbath: Come on, this one needs no explanation. Well, there you go. This commentary wasn't as short as I'd hoped it would be, but there's a lot of details I left out so that it wouldn't drag. Can you believe that, as long as this commentary has been, it's the abridged version? :) See you next week! 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