| COMMENTARY PAGE |
| 08/18/01 - A Brave New Year Well, one thing's for sure - it's good that nobody ever really reads up on this site, or I might have had to explain myself as to why I get later and later with my weekly commentaries. But I'll do it anyways, cuz it's always fun to pretend. Life has been slowing down a bit on my end, as my summer has worked itself into a redundant schedule of work and more work, with the occasional fake illness to get a day (or two) off. But here I am now, about three days separated from my 22nd birthday, delivering my Monday commentary on the following Saturday. First things first - there's nothing like a few shots of Jack Daniel's to quiet down the internal noise. And now that you all think I'm a raging alcoholic, and since there's nothing else better to talk about, I've decided to give a few musings as to the past year of my life. The day I turned 21 started out miserably enough. None of my friends spent time with me, and no, there was no big surprise party to pay off for it at the end. It was a lonely time. But the loneliness was not coming from the fact that I wasn't in the physical company of my friends - I actually really go out of my way to try and make my birthday not very special, just sorta relaxed and casual. No, my loneliness came from the fact that I didn't really very many people at that time that I could call a friend. The summer of 2000 was a summer hot off the heels of my worst academic semester of all time. Between the Fall of 99 and the Spring of 2000, I had earned my way to the height of people's respect, then fell from grace with a crashing downward spiral. And a shot of reality that hit me so hard that it had struck me with the second biggest depressive bout in my life. Amazing how much can change in just one year, isn't it? Look at me now - I enjoy many new friendships, and have taken my existing friendships to new heights. I have enjoyed two semesters - one oriented towards tech theatre, the other oriented towards performance theatre - both were rousing personal successes. I climbed my way back up to the top of the hill. I earned respect at every new turn - from hanging and focusing about half of all the lighting instruments in the Fall mainstage show personally, to enjoying a stretch as a part of the Black Box 2001 ensemble, to spending a week in fire escapes and studio floors in the midst of a transit strike, hitchhiking home for the weekends, and living off of $5 a day for food budget. My life has finally become a triumph under my own terms. All the dues I felt I still owed towards my life have, for the most part, been paid. And the most important part? It has given me a new hunger for life. Because whereas before, the ebb and flow of my climbs to success and falls from grace have always forced me to ride on an emotional roller coaster of depression and mania, I now enjoy being at the bottom almost as much as I enjoy being at the top. Falling from grace doesn't feel like punishment anymore, it feels like a challenge. It feels like a chance to pay more dues for the fortunes which lay ahead of me - new friends, new levels of respect, newfound pride and dignity in myself... What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I guess I finally believe that now. And so, with the start of the new school year coming upon me, I no longer look at school with contempt, singing along to a personal variation of Johnny Cash's "San Quentin", as I do with my years at Magee Secondary. Now I can't wait for school, and the new possibilities which I feel I can open up for myself once I'm back. It'll be good to see my friends again, now that I have some, and it will feel different, being able to walk through the theatre lobby with my head held high, but at the age of 22, I, Ric Lee, have finally become the man he wants to be. How long do you think it'll take before my next crashing defeat? ;) I'll tell you one thing, though - looking back on my life story, the pattern is simple - rise up, fall down, rise higher, fall harder, climb to newer heights, fall to greater lows, and on and on and on, with every sunrise a sunset. It feels inevitable that eventually, something will come along to push me off the top of the ladder. To that prospect, I say - BRING IT ON!!! My life is my own now, and at last, at long, long last, it's worth fighting for. |