entry 1 07.31.01
"It’s hard to be above average," I said in the darkness, not yet sure whom I was talking to, but felt something listening. "I mean, above average is the middle ground, between the average and excellent. Like me."
But you are excellent I felt the omnipresent something reply.
"Report cards don’t mean jack." I huffed exuberantly, and felt the darkness shift slightly at my reaction. It returned to the comfortable, smothering stillness it had been before once I calmed down. It gave a small indication to continue by pushing slightly at the peripheral edges of my mind.
"Not really anyway. You could bust your ass for your grades, but still be only above average, never one of the excellent."
What defines "excellent" then? The question wasn’t really spoken or heard aloud, but was instantly understood, as it was meant to be.
I crossed my arms, and put my weight on my right leg. I thought quietly for a moment, while the darkness waited patiently for my reply. "The person. One person could have excellent grades, but still lack behind others in ranking, never being the best. It’s like a G.E.D.- always good enough, but never great enough, never the best."
I shifted my weight to my other leg, and felt the ground retract for a minute, before adjusting to the transfer of mass. I stared for a minute, and let my breaths come easily in the temperate atmosphere, the kind easily ignored and gone unnoticed unless consciously focused upon.
"It’s just too easy for some people." I said finally, and sat down in the darkness. "They can do extra-curricular activities, make the grade, be social- be everything. While others can work so hard for just one of those, and come up lacking terribly."
This isn’t just about grades anymore is it? The something almost sighed, I felt the goose bumps form on my skin as the darkness contracted with the dangerous thought.
I furrowed my brow, and rested my head on my knees. "No, and it never really was. I can try so hard to be number one in academics, be the star athlete, become a social butterfly- but do not succeed often."
Then, what are you?
I sighed. "I already told you. I’m above-average. I’m not special, not unique, but can’t blend into the vast mass of normalcy the majority occupies. I’m stuck in the middle."
And what’s wrong with the middle?
"Lack of difference. The lack of numbers. The lack of practically everything defining and outstanding." I said to the darkness.
Ah, but I don’t think you are one of the "middle" then.
I was confused at that. The something felt smug, and a palpable smile formed with and in the darkness. "And why not?"
Do you truly think the "excellent" think of such things as you? Do you think they have these insecurities?
"Everyone has insecurities. Mine are no more different or new than any others." I bordered on a perturbed tone at the disagreement.
The darkness contracted, and the ground gave way. I’m sorry you feel that way the something replied as I fell.
I stared up on the way down, wearing the confused look I wore only in the dark.
entry 2 08.18.01
There's something strangely empowering about driving to a teenager I must say. As I'm sure any other teenager can verify, it makes the 15 and a half year old adolescent that's been waiting practically their whole life for the chance to rev up that engine, put the transmission in drive, and only go about 15 MPH around a parking lot.
But soon, one learns to surpass that, and eventually begin passing on the freeway from Vegas to St. George, and vice versa. All while their father is sitting the passenger seat of the two door Saturn coup that doesn't accommodate comfortably to those over a height of, oh let's say, about 5'6". Meanwhile, the aforementioned teenager is driving, hands nonchalantly positioned at 8 and three minutes, and 3 and three minutes on the proverbial steering wheel clock.
It is indeed, something to be feared when that same adolescent is belting her heart out to Drops of Jupiter by Train, and veering slightly when trying to adjust the mirrored visor. Also very frightening when she decides to but on the 80's channel and revisit her unremembered early childhood.
Frightening indeed.
entry 3 08.23.01
"Hey!" I yelled out towards the darkness again.
It shifted slightly at my outburst, but soon regained it's volume. Yes? is asked with a tinge of wariness to it's voice.
"What are you exactly?" I bit off a piece of the snickers I had brought along.
Darkness. Was all it simply replied.
I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, I kind of figured that."
I think I felt the void sighed slightly, like that of my Mother when I'm being incredibly obnoxious. I'm you.
"Thanks Mister slash Ms Vague."
I think it was the darkness that rolled it's eyes this time. How about I put it like this: I'm your alter ego, and with such, I change shape to complement your mood.
"So that's why you're acting like you got a twenty foot pole up your ass today." I bit another piece of the snickers to hide my snicker.
Well, yes, it is. The submissive complement the dominant, as I complement you.
"You mean, as I complement me."
Yeah, I guess you could put it like that.
"Well I kinda just did."
The darkness let go of it's foundation below, in a not so subtle way telling me to leave. Pft, what a bitch, was the thought on the way down.
entry 4 08.26.01
I don't know what to say right now, except I think I'm in a dull shock after hearing Aaliyah has died in a plane crash on CNN. Of all the people you'd think had it coming, it certainly wouldn't have been her. She was nice, she made good music, she was cool; I liked her dammit! She just had this thing about her that a person could like.
Sigh. Has anyone else but me noticed the world's gone insane lately? I mean, all these celebrities going into rehab and mental hospitals, and now this. It's not to say other celebrities haven't died lately, but you know, I'm young, and Aaliyah was a celebrity that appealed to young people. It's just, different somehow when it's a person you've seen around for a while.
I don't know what else to say, it's just... depressing I guess when you hear something like this. I just hope she's somewhere nice now, along with the other people on the plane.
entry 5 08.27.01
"Somebody's got to help me!" I screamed a raw scream in the darkness.
The essence contracted at my apparent outburst, and it wasn't a few minutes later when I had stopped pacing, muttering to myself, and making noises not unlike those of a squirrel that it remained it's former, calm, normal position. Well, I don't think you could ever say it's normal per se, after it, it is some level of my subconscious- I think. I'll have to get back to you on the specifics of that one.
I huffed down onto the unseen ground, and ran my hand through my unruly hair a few times, crossing my legs, and adjusting around my shoes. Fuck that, I thought, and discarded them with a thought.
You're certainly in a fine mood today. My alter-ego's unheard voice still echoed and reverberated through The void to a point.
"Es shaddap." I replied, and crossed my arms. Then, in an instant the dementia that had gripped me only minutes ago, reclaimed it's hold, and started making noises of frustration. "Dude! I don't want to go back to school!" I yelled to my furthest extent, and raised my clenched fists in the air.
Is this what you were yelling about earlier? It asked, and I think I "heard" (in a not really way) a cocky quality to it's "voice."
"Yes!" I screamed instantly. I coughed embarrassedly at the outburst, and cleared my throat. "I mean, I'll have to go nine, count nine-"
One, two, three, four, twenty-six, two-thousand ninety-one, fifty-two million eight thousand seven hundred fourty- five point 82 repeating, nine. The voice interrupted.
"Yeah, nine months, of spending seven hours in classes, more time after school for sports, yearbook, and other such, cramming in correspondence courses, maintaining websites, a job, and cello lessons. Mah gawd!"
I think if it could have managed it in some way or other, the darkness would have reached out and patted my head in a some-what comforting manner, but you know, no hands.
Poor Teggie. My alter-ego said.
I sniffed pathetically. "I know."
entry 6 08.29.01
Med students are funny people. Well not funny ha-ha, but you know, funny in that they're incredibly awkward at times and don't know exactly how to deal with a fifteen year old who's answering all the questions while her father sits in a chair, eyes closed, brow furrowed.
But I really have to say I liked the med student I saw a month ago better than the one I saw at today's visit to the doctor. And it's a bit disconcerting when your doctor says "Mmm'kay," every other word and you just keep getting this image of of that counselor from South Park that does the same thing.
I also really, really hate those blood pressure things. Like you'd have a nice blood pressure if that thing was cutting off the circulation in your arm and making you as uncomfortable as hell. Dude, it's just not a nice thing to do to a person! And I don't think the lady checked my last blood pressure reading which was really rather normal and low, and this one was higher because it felt like my arm had just been bitten liker a rabid bull dog. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating, but I just really hate taking my blood pressure.
And they can't even send in a female med student to talk to me like they did last time. They had to send in a male! Though, I'm pretty sure it was more uncomfortable for him than it was for me. We won't disclose what for, but I'll just say it was.
But what the hell am I saying, in roughly ten years that'll be me in that office taking the patient's medical history. Joy.
entry 7 08.31.01
I'm torn between breaking down on the floor and crying and hitting something- hard. No no, school's fine, except for my chemistry class. I should've just taken Honors and endured the super-bitch. But that's a different story.
We took this math assessment test today in chemistry, and I missed, five, count five out of ten and failed the thing. Here I am, having finished Algebra I Honors the year before, and now in Geometry Honors; somebody tell me what the hell is going on? Did I simply forget it or something like that? I really don't know what to say, except it makes me feel incredibly inadequate when I'm supposed to be in an Honors Chemistry class, but I can't even pass the math assessment in the regular one.
It just pisses me off that I can't pass the assessment of simple Algebra questions in a regular chemistry class, when I'm supposed to be in Honors! Not to mention all the people in the class. I know barely anyone in here. And I'm in there with people from my biology class last year; the class which I had the highest grades out of both Honors classes. (Not to say, a fair amount of them could qualify as village idiots. Now, I know that's mean, but c'mon now, it's not their intelligence, it's the way they show it- or don't actually.)
I know biology is a life science, which is much different than physical sciences, but I got the highest test grade on the chemistry unit in chemistry in last year's biology class. Maybe I should just go into Honors. But, if I can't even pass the assessment for a regular class what the hell am I supposed to do in Honors?
I just feel, very torn, and inadequate right now. Please don't mind me while I rip apart a few stuffed animals and then collapse in my bed in a bundle of tears.
entry 8 09.08.01
Let's play a word association game.
I bit my banana while skeptically raising an eyebrow. "Why?"
To sum up the beginning of the new school year. It replied matter-of-factly, and I could tell my alter-ego was in one of his "moods."
I sat on this idea for a few moments. "Okay."
All right, it began, I'll say a word, and you say whatever comes to mind.
"I know how word association games work." I answered tempestuously. I think the darkness changed it's direction of soft movement around and around me at my comment. And I knew my alter-ego rolled his eyes.
All right. World history. "Short weird Korean guys."
What? I also knew my alter-ego raised an eyebrow at that.
"That pretty much describes my teacher." I discarded the banana peel with quick flick of my wrist, in which it was thrown over my shoulder, and discarded just as easily with a thought.
I thought you liked World History. I rolled my eyes, sometimes my alter-ego could be really dense. "I do, and I like the teacher, but that doesn't mean he's not a weird, short Korean guy."
There was a silent pause here as the subject mulled over inside my alter-ego's conscious thought. (Is there even such a thing?)
Okay, geometry. "Weird, short American dudes that likes sports waaaaaay too much."
Following a pattern I presume? It asked haughtily, obviously not pleased with my answers.
I smiled wickedly. "Perhaps. but don't worry, my English and Publications teachers is a women." Because they're the same person my alter-ego mentally mumbled in reply.
I shrugged, "You're the one that wanted to play this."
I think he sighed again. Yeah yeah. Anyway, sociology.
"Way too many people in that class that don't know what the hell it's
about. Oh, and a weird, short - but also pretty old- guy."
"Chemistry. "A weird, short teacher from
Africa with a thick accent."
English. "Fun."
The darkness retracted, and there was a heavy pause. I think that's the first true answer you've given me so far.
I shrugged again. "Don't get used to it."
It sighed. Publications. "Waaaay too many cheerleaders for my own comfort."
Lunch. "Me and Adam need to see other people, literally."
The darkness seemed amused by this. Why is that?
"The bastard eats all my crackers. And we're treading on each other's last nerve; we're pretty close to hitting each other."
Never stopped you before. I glared, not sure in which direction to aim it at. He just laughed.
"Yeah, and you my dear, suck." Was all I replied.
entry 9 09.11.01
Nine-Eleven-Two thousand one
What much else is there to say,
On this, a tragic day.
What stood proud and tall,
Now lays broken beneath the sprawl.
The tears flow,
From this blow,
And the anger is barely held back,
After this attack.
The lives were taken,
Leaving all shaken.
No regard for human life,
Amid the sickening, disgusting strife.
What else is there to do,
That which we cannot undo?
What can be done,
To save this country from oblivion?
What a day of infamy,
What an evil capacity,
What a state of perverse tendency,
What a sight for us to see.
Tragedy struck deep today,
And I don't know what else to say.
It's purely disgusting what has happened today, with no regard to the value of human life and peace. I think everyone in America is utterly, as a whole fucking pissed. That's the thing about Americans, when these sort of things happen, we don't get discouraged, we get mad. High ranking government official Oren Hatch summed it up quite nicely in: "We'll get those bastards."
Now, that's not to say I'm not all for peace. I would absolutely love and worship it if we all got along great, and fine; but we all know that just isn't going to happen very easily. Practically impossible it would seem from history's teachings.
I mean, what sort of life is it to live to dedicate your whole being and essence into hate for another country and it's people? What sort of existence is it to focus so solely upon one of the most despicable, petty, and evil sins?
And what sort of thing is it for a terrorist group to stage something like this- a deliberate act of war- and not fess up to it?
Truly, I would love for peace, and do not wish for more death and loss of human life. And I do not truly think I would like a war. But what really can be done? We cannot stand by and let people think we back down, and we cannot rightly justify taking human life to account for that which has already been. War is never simple.
And if I seem overly "American" in this, I must say that it's what any person would say to defend themselves in a time like this. What person wouldn't defend themselves and their country when it has been deliberately attacked?
I just say I send my condolences and light my incense for the families of the victims and all those affected by this. Be safe.
entry 10 09.15.01
Sometimes, it's just better to stay in bed. But then, if I stay in bed, I eventually turn on the television, and eventually switch back and forth between news channels, and eventually go to MTV and watch their coverage. And eventually, I just can't take it anymore, and go back to sleep. I don't think I've done this sort of thing since my bout with depression three years ago.
I just have this ache in my chest, and over-all numbness with a general tired feeling about it all. And it's only been the first week of it.
And a lot about it just pisses me off. Gets me fucking mad. And none of it's really fair, and yes I know, life isn't fair. But what sort of life is it where a person devotes their whole being and essence into hating another nation or group of nations and their people? To devote their whole life to strive to create strife and suffering, to hate another people and want to hurt them so?
And the Afghanistan government are being complete ignorant and uncompromising assholes. Saying they'll take military action against neighboring countries that aid and support the US? What the hell is that! We have practical the whole world behind us, and what do they have! And it pisses me off that they're calling it a "holy war." What the fuck! Holy war my ass! The whole term "holy war" is contradictory and oxy-moronic in nature. A holy war equates in stupidity to the Spanish inquisition.
It also pisses me off that the small Arab and Islamic fanatic and certifiably insane minority can take down the Arab and Islamic majority that condemn and never wanted this in the first place. That the innocent majority will be caught in the middle, just as the innocents of every other country in the world including ours, including Afghanistan's have no say in this war. It's not fair that this is going to take innocent lives; more than it already had.
It also pisses me off that they do this all in the name of Islam. The teachings of Islam are not about hate, killing and hurting another group of people based on prejudice. Allah does not support that, our God does not support that, Buddha does not support that. No religion teaches that; no religion supports that. They are twisting it for their own twisted and inhuman beliefs.
These people are inhuman and do not represent an faction of humanity. And yet, our retaliation is not any better but to say, what else can be done? I am not fully comfortable with war, as I'm sure most of the country feels also. It is important in this time to band together as not just nation, but a whole world to find strength in each other, and help keep this from occurring again.