Cast: Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Jon Voight, Bernie Mac, John Turturro, Tyrese Gibson, Josh Duhamel.
Director: Michael Bay.
We knew it would be dumb. But we had no idea it would be so much dumb fun.
Transformers is so jokey that it's practically a goof on the crummy TV cartoon it is based on.
Blowing through the entire Dreamworks-Paramount explosives budget for the year and joked up and acted (by Shia LaBeouf as if he's auditioning for the Royal Shakespeare Company), it's downright giddy for the first hour or so.
Then the stupid robots start talking and the whole enterprise crumples like a Cobalt in a compactor.
In the best Independence Day tradition, we're introduced to the characters -- soldiers, computer geeks -- and the peril facing the planet. There's a sandy assault on a U.S. base in the Middle East in which a helicopter transforms into a monster that plows through tanks, planes and Army Rangers like a bush hog in deep grass.
Pentagon security networks are compromised. And everything from police cars to CD player boom boxes morph into something menacing.
"This is as bad as it's ever goin' to get," drawls the Secretary of Defense (Jon Voight).
Which puts a serious crimp in the hopes of Sam Witwicky (LaBeouf), who only wants to buy his first car and get the attention of his school's Jennifer Connelly look-alike (Megan Fox).
But that magic first automobile is an aged Camaro that Sam doesn't choose. It chooses him. The rusted yellow muscle car has a need to protect Sam and help its fellow General Motors products find something called The Cube, which contains the One Spark (probably an AC Delco product).
All of this is zipped through in a giggling hour-plus of rapid-fire LaBeouf banter, sight gags (the alien cop car has "To Punish and Enslave" painted in place of "To Protect and Serve") and chihuahua-in-a-cast jokes. The Camaro's AM radio helps Sam to court the lovely Mikaela with tunes ranging from "Drive" (by The Cars) to "Sexual Healing," "I Feel Good" and "Baby Come Back."
Cameos by Bernie Mac (as a car salesman) and Anthony Anderson score. A comically threatening government agent (John Turturro) shows up. Assorted teen computer whizzes are introduced and all but forgotten.
Transformers hails from the Fecal Age of TV cartoons -- dim-witted 80s junk solely aimed at selling the toys that were "the stars." Appropriately, the movie is basically a two-hour-and-twenty-minute ad for GM -- Chevys, Pontiacs, Caddy Escalades.
Director Michael Bay, returning to his pre-The Island form of entertaining junk food movies, keeps things loose and fast for much of the film -- so fast that the robot-on-robot fights are metallic blurs. He does a fair job of hiding the most sophomoric stuff (robots copping "street" attitudes, imitating Clint Eastwood or John Wayne, and adapting hip-hop speak). Fans who grew up with the TV show will recognize some of the voices of the gear-grinders -- Optimus Prime, the Autobots (good robots) leader is voiced by the TV Optimus.
Robots will throw-down. Robots will die. Then Optimus goes all metal-messianic on us, marveling at the human race's bravery, and a lot of that fun is undone.
Thank Hasbro for Shia LaBeouf. He hurls himself into this as if his very career depended on it. His glib interplay with his dad (Kevin Dunn), off-hand putdowns and reactions to the lunacy going on around him are out there and on the money. Best of all, when he's running for his life, he's running for his life.
It's a summer popcorn movie, so you take the good with the ready-for-recall. It doesn't have Die Hard's body-count, Spider-Man's gravitas or Pirates' obscene length.
But if you grew up with the toon, it'll be a fun ride down memory lane -- in a Chevrolet.
Full disclosure: I loved Transformers as a kid -- both the toys and the animated series created to sell those toys -- and while I eventually grew out of them and moved on to more grown-up fare, the prospect of a live-action Transformers flick always seemed tremendously appealing. So as I proceed to gush over what is an obviously flawed movie, understand that I do so with a tinge of gleeful nostalgia.
For those of you unfamiliar with the Transformers universe, here's a quick rundown: they're an alien race of sentient, shape-shifting robots mired in a centuries-long civil war. Searching for an energy source to sustain their dying home planet of Cybertron, they wind up on Earth, where they're able to hide in plain sight by "transforming" into everyday objects like cars and airplanes. The robots are divided into two rival factions: the sinister Decepticons, led by the devious Megatron, are determined to exterminate the human race, drain the planet of its resources and use Earth as their own personal battery. The benevolent Autobots, led by the heroic Optimus Prime, wish to peacefully coexist with their human friends.
Transformers director Michael Bay has had his share of critics (myself among them) who questioned several key elements of the film that depart from the original canon, but when Peter Cullen (who plays Autobot leader Optimus Prime) first speaks during the movie's opening credit sequence, suddenly the fact that they gave Prime lips or turned Bumblebee into a Camaro Frozen Megatronseem entirely irrelevant. To Bay's credit, it's obvious throughout the film that he did everything possible to stay true to the original source material while making the movie as modern and believable (and relatable to non-fanboys) as possible. Although some of the stylistic changes are debatable, I have a feeling even the most orthodox fans of the '80s animated series will adore this movie as much as I did.
With Transformers, Bay has raised the bar for the summer blockbuster, crafting a mind-blowing visual effects experience rivaled perhaps only by 300. But whereas Zack Snyder's film presented a hyper-stylized, heavily green-screened reality, Bay's version is firmly entrenched in the real world, with the computer animation integrated almost seamlessly into the live-action footage. Nary a single green-screen shot can be found in the film. When a giant robot collides into a freeway overpass or tumbles through the streets of downtown Los Angeles, it looks and feels authentic.
The first two thirds of the film maintain a very tongue-in-cheek tone, an approach mandated by the inherently absurd premise. Several times the filmmakers wink at the audience, as if to say, "Yeah, we know this is ridiculous too, but just go with it." Sometimes it works -- the interaction between Shia LeBeouf and his Camaro (later revealed to be the Autobot Bumblebee), in which the car plays the role of "wingman" as he attempts to woo Megan Fox, is particularly fun. More often than not, however, it proves annoying and tedious.
Nowhere is this more painfully evident than during one interminably long scene in the middle of the film, in which LaBeouf's character, Spike Witwicky, is confronted by his parents while trying to sneak into the house as his Autobot pals attempt to hide outside in the garden. The scene starts out funny, but the Ironhide in actionhumor soon turns to horror as it slowly becomes apparent that the scene is never going to end. I had terrifying visions of the closing credits rolling an hour later with the Autobots still stumbling around in the yard and LaBeouf still bickering with his parents.
Adding to the frustration is the fact that the sequence takes place immediately after we've been introduced to the whole Autobot crew -- Optimus Prime, Jazz, Ratchet, Ironhide and Bumblebee -- and we're jonesing for some kickass robot action. Instead, we're forced to sit through a 15 minutes of comic relief.
The inane -- and utterly pointless -- scene serves as a microcosm for the problems that plague the movie as a whole. The tone vacillates awkwardly between blockbuster action and slapstick comedy without ever finding the right balance between the two.
The tonal imbalance of Transformers extends to its cast. John Turturro, who plays the head of the super-secret government agency known as "Sector 7"(think of it as the Transformers version of Area 51), turns in a completely over-the-top, buffoonish parody of the archetypal CIA "Men in Black" character. The performance is entertaining, to be sure, but it feels oddly out of step with the rest of the actors, who more or less play it straight.
Prime vs. BonecrusherThankfully, the movie does eventually dispense with the lame attempts at comedy. The last third of the movie is all big-budget spectacle, with ample robot-on-robot action and tons of stuff blowing up (a Bay trademark). It's the first movie I've seen in a long time that can honestly be labeled "Spielberg-esque." (And when I say Spielberg-esque, I'm not talking about Amistad.) It's one of those movies that demands to be experienced in a theater; a 15-inch laptop screen will simply not do it justice.
LaBeouf nails his role as the gawky teenager who becomes the Autobots' greatest ally. Watching his performance, it's easy to see why he's become the apple of Spielberg's eye.
The real stars of the film, however, are those Autobots and Decepticons, and they're simply amazing.
On rare occasions a film comes along that is so visually impressive, so viscerally appealing, that one can excuse its glaring flaws. This is one of those instances. In a season packed with big-budget tentpole flicks, Transformers is the first among them that truly feels like an event. It may not be the best film I've seen this summer, but it's by far the most entertaining one.
The most surprising thing about Michael Bay's much-anticipated, blockbuster-bound Transformers is how funny the movie is. I don't mean funny in an unintentional, Pearl Harbor kind of way: For more than two-thirds of its 144-minute running time, Transformers is essentially a comedy, something neither the film's awesome trailers, nor Bay's track record, ever hinted at.
The emphasis on humor, which is engrained in the script by Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci, then amplified by Bay's uncharacteristically restrained direction and a cast of game actors, was a stroke of genius. Humor is the key, really, to get viewers unfamiliar with the Transformers universe to buy into the premise without diluting or altering it -- and risk invoking the wrath of the legions of fans (who, judging by the middle-aged guy who sat behind me at a preview screening, talking to the images on the screen as if they could hear him, are scarily devoted).
So even though Transformers is a movie in which giant talking robots with names like Optimus Prime and Devastator turn into Camaros, wrestle and punch each other and fight over a glowing cube that holds some kind of unimaginable power, there wasn't a moment in it when I felt my eyes starting to roll.
Bay paces the movie shrewdly, waiting more than an hour before plunging all-out into scenes in which characters say things like ''You hold the key to Earth's survival!'' By then, the film has cannily engrossed us in the archetypal travails of Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf), a suburban teenager dealing with the usual issues of taking care of his first car, winning over the prettiest girl in school (Megan Fox) and keeping his meddling, albeit well-meaning, parents at bay.
LaBeouf, who is just as effortlessly charismatic and likable here as he was in the sleeper hit Disturbia, manages to give this special-effects enterprise a flesh-and-blood center. Even in the gargantuan, eye-popping action sequences, which contain some of the most seamless special-effects work ever put on film, Bay wisely keeps his emphasis on the puny humans' perspective (a lot of the robots' battles are shot from the point of view of bystanders on the ground or trapped inside their cars).
For much of the film, Bay even keeps his own worst habits in check, sometimes even holding onto shots for more than 30 seconds at a time (it's as if he finally got around to reading some of his own reviews). In its climactic 20 minutes, Transformers finally becomes an all-out Michael Bay movie, with explosions and destruction whizzing by so quickly on the screen you can barely register it all. When the film is over, you're not exactly sad to see it go (judging by the clunky abruptness of the last few minutes, even the filmmakers seem exhausted).
But by then, Transformers has won you over with bits like one in which Sam tries to keep his parents from noticing their front lawn happens to be full of metallic, skyscraper-sized extra-terrestrials who urgently need Sam to find the pair of glasses he's hawking on eBay. The last thing anyone expected to find in a Michael Bay movie about warring heavymetal from outer space was whimsy.
What a big, dumb, silly mess "Transformers" is! And how peculiarly enjoyable, in a bloated, overlong kind of way. It's like spending a day at the state fair: a little bit of actual entertainment, a lot of embarrassingly cheesy attempts at entertainment, and the faint whiff of bull crap everywhere.
The first words we hear are narration: "Before time began, there was The Cube." You know you're in for a treat when a movie starts like that. This Cube wound up on Earth, and two races of mechanical, shape-shifting beings -- the good Autobots and the bad Decepticons -- have come to our planet in search of it. The Decepticons want it for power and will gladly kill any humans who get in the way, while the Autobots, who won't harm humans under any circumstances, want to destroy it.
The aliens take the form of our mechanical devices -- cars, trucks, helicopters, and portable stereos (yeah, that seemed weird to me, too) -- but can also change (or "transform," if you will) into awesome-looking robots that can shoot lasers and stuff. One of the Autobots, disguised as a beat-up Camaro, gets himself onto a used-car lot, where he's purchased. I don't know how the transaction took place, given that the car just showed up out of nowhere and the lot owner wouldn't have a title for it, but there you go.
The proud owner of the Camaro is Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf), a slightly spacey high-schooler whose dad has helped him buy his first car. Turns out the Camaro, whose Autobot name is Bumblebee, chose Sam on purpose, because Sam is in possession of a family heirloom that may hold the key to discovering where The Cube is.
The Decepticons suspect this too, having learned a lot by stealing top-secret U.S. government documents detailing artifacts found on an old Arctic expedition. The Decepticons want Sam; the Autobots want to protect Sam but use his knowledge. Sam is suddenly very popular, including with a hot chick from his class, Mikaela (Megan Fox), who is on hand for the sole purpose of giving Shia LaBeouf someone to kiss at the end of the movie.
Meanwhile, a group of U.S. soldiers are attacked by a Decepticon in the desert. The onscreen title tells us where this takes place: "QATAR," followed by the explanatory "THE MIDDLE EAST," because we're idiots who don't know where Qatar is. Familiar names like Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson play the soldiers, but don't get too attached. Most of them simply disappear once the movie doesn't need them anymore.
Back in the States, a room full of nerds is ordered by Defense Secretary Keller (Jon Voight) to figure out how these mechanical terrorists are hacking into the government's system. One of them, an apparently Australian blonde named Maggie (Rachael Taylor), declares with breathless certainty, "There's only one hacker in the world who can crack this code!" Good thing she happens to know him! And that he happens to live nearby! Whew! He's played by Anthony Anderson, and the two of them wind up involved in the military's efforts to stop the killer robots, with Anderson providing additional support in the form of wisecracks.
Part of the problem with all this is that the battle is really between the Autobots and the Decepticons, with Earth (well, Los Angeles, mostly) as the battleground. Introducing a third side, i.e., the military, just complicates things. Does the Army know that the Autobots are good guys? Can they tell them apart? Can WE tell them apart, lacking any prior knowledge of what distinguishes an Autobot from a Decepticon? Since the Army is shooting every robot it sees, including the good guys, does that make the Army bad guys?
The Autobots are led by a semi truck named Optimus Prime (voice of Peter Cullen). There is a momentous scene halfway into the movie when all of the Autobots, the heroes of countless men who were young boys in the '80s, gather together and introduce themselves to Sam. To a certain audience, it must be like seeing Clark Kent change into Superman for the first time.
And wouldn't you know it, the movie ruins it, just whizzes it down the ol' pant leg. One of the Autobots is a black guy (I guess) named Jazz, and he talks all jivey and stuff. Then there's one who gets fussy when a dog pees on his robot foot. They all sneak over to Sam's house to wait for him while he goes inside to retrieve the important family heirloom, and these massive figures, these powerful and noble-minded alien beings, start bumbling around like a bunch of girls at a slumber party. Doh! We accidentally ruined Dad's new lawn! Whoops! We stepped on Mom's petunias! An Autobot actually utters the words, "Sorry, my bad." The jivey one says, "What up, little b****es?" Later, in an act that perfectly summarizes the movie's mindset, one of the robots uncorks his oil pan (located in his crotch area) and "urinates" all over a villainous human. Har!
Optimus Prime does fill us in on the backstory, though. The Autobots and Decepticons lived in peace back on planet Cybertron, until the Decepticons betrayed everyone. And you have to wonder, how did no one see it coming that a group of beings called "Decepticons" might behave, I don't know, deceptively?
Here on Earth, the Decepticons are mean and have names like Megatron and Bonecrusher. One of them takes the form of a police car in order to blend in ... except that where it should say "To Protect and Serve," it says "To Punish and Enslave." Hardy-har, funny joke, but you're kind of blowing your cover with that, aren't you? I wouldn't tolerate that kind of nonsense if I were Megatron. I'm just sayin'.
The film was written by Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman (the duo behind "The Legend of Zorro" and "Mission: Impossible III") and directed, if that is the right word, by Michael Bay. Bay has directed only six films prior to this, yet is as reviled as if he had made 50 bad ones. "Transformers" is closest in spirit to his "Armageddon," with its testosterone-fueled plot, its rag-tag assortment of disparate characters, its unnecessary tacked-on romance, and its frequently inane frat-boy humor.
Bay still loves to film the fight scenes in Confuse-O-Vision�, too, rendering incomprehensible action that might have otherwise been exciting.
I noticed, however, that even when I knew who was firing lasers at whom, I still didn't care very much. Yet the preview audience, which we knew to be full of lifelong Transformers fans, which had audibly reacted to seeing the Camaro's pristine engine in the same way they'd have reacted if they'd seen Halle Berry's breasts -- the audience that applauded every time a familiar (to them) Transformer was introduced, they went nuts at the battle scenes. It wasn't that what the robots were doing to each other was particularly spectacular -- goodness knows we've seen humanoids and mechanical creatures fight before -- but it seemed to be the sheer fact that it was THESE robots, the robots of the audience's childhood, that delighted them so.
Speaking as one who remembers the Transformers phenomenon of the mid-'80s but has no emotional connection to it, I say the movie is often laughably corny, no more thrilling than any typical action movie, and akin to "Independence Day" in its reliance on questionable science and dubious logic. I think it must be a film that succeeds only for a specific target audience: people who already love Transformers. For the rest of us, it's no bigger or better than a lot of other summer blockbusters, and quite a bit more senseless than many.
Once upon a time, within the memory of those still living, if a film was successful, it inspired toys and games without number. Now, apparently, it is the other way around.
"Transformers," the new movie by director Michael Bay, is based not on a novel or play or screenwriter's inspiration but on a line of Hasbro toys that have been hot tickets for young boys for more than 20 years and were the basis of several animated TV series and an animated feature. If you're one of the people whose reverence for those toys is next door to a religion, you already know that. If you aren't, there isn't enormous reason to care.
Paradoxically, the problem with "Transformers" is not with those much-beloved playthings, walking Erector Sets whose defining characteristic is the ability to change from robots to cars and other machines and then back again � hence the name "Autobots" for some of them.
Advancement in computer-generated technology � the "Transformers" press material says that the film would not have been possible as recently as three years ago � means that watching these enormous NBEs (Non Biological Extraterrestrials) both come to life and metamorphose is everything fans could hope for. If this film were a lot shorter � it clocks in at an inflated two hours, 23 minutes � and kept its focus on the toys, it would be hard to argue with.
Fearing, however, that even enormous wonder toys can't just tromp around on the screen forever, screenwriters Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman have concocted a narrative to go with the robots. The problem is not only that there is way too much of it but also that it isn't very good.
Some of the back story is a given. Transformers, as any small boy can tell you, come with built-in conflicts in morality. The Autobots � Bumblebee, Jazz, Ratchet, Ironhide and maximum leader Optimus Prime � are the good guys, while the Decepticons, led by bad-as-he-wants-to-be Megatron, want to acquire power first, ask questions never.
Working with John Rogers, with whom they share a story credit, screenwriters Orci & Kurtzman have come up with an acceptable sci-fi frame. Having fought each other for eons on their home planet, the Autobots and Decepticons transfer their battle to planet Earth, where an enormous object called the Cube, or AllSpark, the source of all Transformer life, has improbably ended up.
It's at this point that flesh-and-blood folk enter the story and make us wish they hadn't. Screenwriters Orci and Kurtzman have done quite well with director J.J. Abrams ("Mission: Impossible III" and TV's "Alias" and, one hopes, with the upcoming "Star Trek" vehicle), but their work with other filmmakers, for instance "The Legend of Zorro," has not been impressive.
Unfortunately, though he has a way with CGI toys and action set pieces, director Bay does not have a noticeable gift for making human beings come to life. "Transformers' " multiple earthling story lines are tedious and oddly lifeless, doing little besides marking time until those big toys fill the screen.
Encountered first are a bunch of U.S. military stationed in Qatar, led by Capt. Lennox (Josh Duhamel) and Tech Sgt. Epps (Tyrese Gibson), who make first contact with a particularly ornery bunch of Decepticons. Back in Washington trying to figure out what it means is attractive computer analyst Maggie Madsen (Rachel Taylor) and a somber secretary of Defense played by the reliable Jon Voight.
In fact, for reasons having to do with that all-important Cube, the aliens are looking for improbably named high schooler Sam Witwicky, who spends his time lusting after his first car (he ends up with a Camaro with a mind of its own) and the hottest girl in his 11th-grade class.
That would be Mikaela Banes, whom Sam romances with an iconic line ("There's more to you than meets the eye") from the 1980s "Transformers" cartoon theme song. Much of "Transformers' " human time is spent with these teens, who, as the key audience demographic, are fated to save the world.
As played by Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox, Sam and Mikaela look as much like 11th-graders as I do, but the film has bigger problems, like keeping everyone interested while the toys are off the screen. Any film whose most resonant line of dialogue is uttered by the robot who says "It's you and me, Megatron" has no business being two hours, 23 minutes long. No matter how good the toys are.
Many people wondered why Michael Bay�s The Rock was made into a Criterion DVD. Was there some art to his bombast that they had failed to appreciate? If so, DVD is not the place to comprehend it. Without big-screen scale and intimidation and shock, Bay�s newest film, Transformers, is just a comic book. As a movie experience interweaving computer graphic robots with live-action human characters, Transformers ALMOST achieves the artistic miracle of saying something about man�s relationship to technology. Bay�s outburst of metal, pyrotechnics and sheer effrontery amounts to a vision, a megaplex embodiment of the possibilities that children invest in toys.
Three storylines converge: the story of an energy cube that falls to Earth after an intergalactic battle between robotic aliens, the Autobots and the Decepticons; a parallel war in the Middle East where American soldiers (Tyrese Gibson, Josh Duhamel) face an unfathomable enemy; and back home in the States where teenager Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) itches for his first car and his first girlfriend. Technological fate brings these characters together.
Screenwriters Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman take time laying out the scheme as if something really epic, truly serious was unfolding. But that�s the same mistake behind validating The Rock as a conventional cinematic allegory. Bay�s wide-eyed certitude that action is all that matters�never mind meaning�gives Transformers undeniable spark.
What makes it less than great, and ultimately disappointing, is the overly familiar structure closely resembling various Spielberg movies (War of the Worlds, Saving Private Ryan, E.T.) that Bay can never fulfill his abstract self. Transformers rocks some amazing green-screen of actors embodying the metamorphosing bots: Optimus Prime, Megatron, Bumblebee, etc. They all have distinct personalities and, as their metal parts reassemble from the guise of trucks, cars and appliances into acrobatic figures that fly, dance and fight using ballistic weaponry, they personify the whims of any Erector Set or Sega-loving kid. Too bad the filmmakers don�t let these bots take over the spectacle.
Sam�s insipid subplot is less urgent than the Iraq War plot; neither gains from the sci-fi metaphor (although the sense of American freedom in both suggests why envious cultures hate us). A used car dealer (Bernie Mac) babbles about �the mysterious connection of man to machine� but that�s not what dazzles the eye. It�s when Optimus Prime holds Sam in the palm of his steel-girder hand; the evocation of King Kong idealizes a Western teen�s technological romance. No mystery, it�s part of a post-industrial, capitalist legacy. (And it�s largely a boy�s thing; Megan Fox and Rachel Taylor play girls adept at computers and engines but they�re cast as Pussycat Doll wet dreams who don�t fully function within this techno utopia.)
When the Transformers explode from common tools into super beings, the kinetic imagery fulfills the surrealism of Fernand L�ger, El Lissitzky�if only they had digital. Bay�s advertising eye creates shots that make you stare back, baffled at the intense clarity and depth. A couple of magnificent low-level shots, looking up at the Transformers overhead and traveling alongside their movements is the damnedest thing. One is suspended in awe�a triumph of TV-commercial aesthetics. Bad Boys II and Pearl Harbor had shots like this, but they lacked the fantasy context. That is, a context sustaining both dreams and dread. Bay�s desert battle with aliens is as terrifying as Starship Troopers yet, when linked to conflagration in our own streets, lacks Paul Verhoeven�s masterful use of absurdist nightmare. Even Sam�s high school rivalry scenes lack the terrific daydream quality of boys + speed in Joseph Kahn�s Torque.
Interestingly, the Transformers speak the same intergalactic broadcast lingo as the aliens in Joe Dante�s Explorers; like them, ad-man Bay is all about playing back American pop with affection and horror. Transformers never quite articulates that ambivalence, but it�s an authentic American trait.
For those who came of age crashing their Autobots and Decepticons together while watching Saturday-morning cartoons and slurping down sugar-coated cereal, seeing an impressively rendered Optimus Prime throw down against Megatron at the end of Michael Bay's tedious toy commercial, "Transformers," will be akin to Christmas, Easter and the Fourth of July all rolled into one.
For the rest of humanity, a "young species," the good robots tell us, that "has much goodness" (the Transformers speak on a third-grade reading level), "Transformers" will be a long, repetitive slog. Yes, yes, the Transformers look cool, and you will feel their robotic clanging deep into your internal organs.
But with a running time of nearly 2 1/2 hours full of unnecessary Bay-like digressions, the movie is needlessly complicated for a film presented "in association with Hasbro."
"Transformers" has a distinctly '80s feel to it, a nod to the toy line's 1984 debut and the presence of executive producer Steven Spielberg. When the bad robots (the Decepticons for those not steeped in the classics) hack into the U.S. military's computer network, the resulting panic is straight out of the Cold War, with accusations flying toward China and the Roo-skies.
The red alert sends American jet planes into the air, the better for Bay to work in some "Top Gun" stunts (and silhouettes, don't forget the signature Bay silhouettes) and Reagan-era military be-all-that-you-can-be recruitment flavor. There are nods to "Gremlins" and "E.T." and even a shout-out to "Short Circuit," a touchstone family film for the Transformers generation. (The cuddly Transformer Bumblebee's behavior bears more than a passing resemblance to "Short Circuit's" No. 5.)
All this might sound like good fun, but mostly it isn't. Bay wants "Transformers" to be "Armageddon" meets "War of the Worlds," when the movie should just be a fun fantasy flick about robot Hot Wheels. You can forgive the constant car commercials (but not the Burger King tie-in) because that's the source material � fast, shiny cars and huge, shiny robots.
What you can't abide is the grossly inflated running time, the repetitive action sequences and the unnecessary characters arc that infect every Bay movie, as well as those of his mentor in the dark art of bloated moviemaking, Lord Bruckheimer. We don't need to know the back-stories of the Air Force flyboys. It's about the alien robots, stupid. Focus. Focus on the robots.
But even the Transformers are a mixed bag. Bay's action choreography leaves something to be desired; he's on surer footing when he's stealing from Brad Bird's "The Iron Giant."
That cribbing results in the movie's best scene � the Autobots hiding in the backyard of teen-aged hero Shia LaBeouf's house while Shia tries to distract his suspicious parents. There you have everything you want from a "Transformers" movie � the cars, the robots, some personality and a healthy dose of much-needed fun.
It's not the only time that the movie comes alive, but such moments are too rare in a flick based on the imagination that comes from opening a toy box.
Talk about getting your money's worth.
There is so much action packed into every second of "Transformers" that by the time it's over, you may be tempted to go outside and give the box office another 10 bucks.
Let's be clear: "Transformers" is a classic Michael Bay mega-movie. Interested in plot and character development? Move along. You're blocking the view.
But if you like your summer flicks huge and noisy, be sure to buy the biggest bucket of popcorn you can, because you're not leaving your seat once the lights go down.
Thanks to some of the best CGI work ever created, the Transformers you remember as toys and TV characters from the '80s have become massive, intricate affairs.
California teen Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) knows nothing about the Transformer phenomenon, however, when he buys a Camaro with some very strange skills. Before long, the car � named Bumblebee � has helped Sam with two equally important missions: seducing his longtime crush, and escaping the evil aliens who have recently dropped into the neighborhood.
Once he has gotten over the shock of having a car that can transform into a 20-foot robot at will, he learns that Bumblebee and other Autobots need his help recovering an all-powerful life force that their enemies, the Decepticons, are planning to steal. What this means for Sam is a race to save the planet. What it means for you is:
Giant robots battling other giant robots to the death.
Ear-shattering, adrenaline-pumping car chases.
Every kind of ammunition ever made, exploding at once.
Million-dollar sets being pulverized.
Since Bay oversizes everything, he was wise to cast LaBeouf, Hollywood's reliable new everykid. Each time the movie gets out of control, he grounds it with a wry sense of humor and, �frankly, the only multifaceted performance to be found. Otherwise, Bay peppers the movie with square-jawed soldiers (Josh �Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson), eye-�candy �actresses (Megan Fox, Rachael �Taylor) and check-cashing veterans (like �Defense Secretary Jon Voight).
Although it's hard to imagine anyone makeing a project of this magnitude more than once, the end strongly hints at a sequel (or two), on the assumption that the first will be a meteoric smash.
Gentlemen, start your engines.
Yes, it's loud, explosive and silly, but it also perfectly embodies the concept of a summer blockbuster with its simple good-guys-vs.-bad-guys plot, cheeky humor and flawless special effects. Transformers, opening tonight in many theaters, is easily the best movie based on an adaptation of a cartoon TV series.
Though it's at least 20 minutes too long and uneven dramatically (can you even say drama and Transformers in the same sentence?), the acting is sharp, and it features some of the most spectacular action and effects sequences of any movie of its kind.
The sum total of director Michael Bay's work has been spotty at best (The Island, Armageddon), but he made an inspired choice in casting the young, charismatic Everyman Shia LaBeouf (Disturbia). And surely the involvement of Steven Spielberg brings heft and sizzle to the entire production. Also, there are pleasant surprises in the supporting cast: an eccentrically creepy John Turturro, a likable Anthony Anderson and a valiant turn by Josh Duhamel.
LaBeouf stars as high school student Sam Witwicky, who buys his first car, a dented yellow Camaro that turns out to be an Autobot named Bumblebee. The car helps Sam team up with the object of his fantasies, Mikaela (Megan Fox). So much for the human story.
Meanwhile, other Autobots come from distant planets in search of the Allspark, which grants total power to anyone who possesses it. The Autobots are fending off the evil Decepticons. Each side wants to get their robotic limbs on the Allspark, which was stashed on Earth years before and found by Sam's great-grandfather on an Arctic expedition. Sam is unaware of his ancestor's role in the struggle between gargantuan space robots.
Earlier, a Decepticon taking the form of a fighter jet attacks a U.S. military base in Qatar, where soldiers including Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson wage an eye-poppingly explosive battle against an enemy they don't understand.
Turturro heads up a top-secret organization aimed at destroying the robots. He and his minions show up unexpectedly at Sam's house and whisk him away. This and the scenes that lead up to it, while the 'bots try to hide out in suburbia, are dazzling and quite comical.
The story falters during the protracted climax, but what remains is potent � sheer mindless fun and excitement. As a character watching the robots wreak havoc says: "This is 100 times better than Armageddon."
First of all, kids will just love this film. It�s got fast cars and huge robots and a teen protagonist to look up to and identify with. But for adults, while there is some surprisingly fresh funny banter in spots, there�s not much of a story. And what little story there is eventually devolves into virtual nonsense.
Speaking of virtual, the amazing CGI (computer generated image) transformations are sometimes absolutely stellar, especially when vehicles transform into robots while in high speed situations on the road and in the air. It�s simply way cool. But there are also plenty of big expensive visuals (transformations and otherwise) that don�t awe.
Other robot interactions echo the film�s inconsistent nature, sometimes their dialogue is wholly silly and yet, undeniably two of the robots (especially Bumble Bee) endearingly win our affections.
Transformers is like Terminator repackaged as �The A Team� with hints of Live Free or Die Hard and even Iron Giant. It�s at its best when the teen and his car are getting to understand one another -- personal, surreal, sweet, building, but after that not even some unexpectedly funny scenes with the parents can give the film as much weight as the robots seem to have.
So take your kids, but if you feel a bit unfulfilled, rent Iron Giant for the family when you get home. If the kids are unimpressed because it�s an old-school painted cartoon, tell them Vin diesel voices the Giant.
(Interesting tidbit: Peter Cullen who voices the awesome Robot Optimus Prime has also long been the voice of Eeyore of "Winnie the Pooh" fame.)