Penniless and with few prospects the
unthinkable loomed before me – the dreadful possibility that I might have to
get a real job. Anything but that! What could be worse than being a salaried
employee at the mercy of some arbitrary, tyrannical CEO and his hierarchy of
tight-assed, petty-minded middle and lower management? No, no that would never
do. I had to come up with a scheme, um, I mean a plan for a business venture - and fast. "How", I racked my dendrites,
"could I bilk the public, er, I mean, provide a service that would bring
in lots of quick cash and also be fun for me to do?" Hmm…
The thought dawned on me that nightclubs do
bang-up business. Yeah, that's it! A
nightclub! I considered the fact that there are all kinds of novelty nightclubs
that cater to all kinds of special people: clubs for BIG BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE, clubs for Tall People,
clubs for Rainbow People – but no clubs for High-IQ People. A nightclub for high-IQ
people, now that's a new twist on nightclubs. And so the
idea of the Mobius Strip Club was born – a club that both employs
high-IQ strippers, male and female, and whose clientele has a minimum IQ of
140. I decided to keep the minimum IQ
for acceptance to the club relatively low so as to maximize the number of
potential members.
The Mobius
Strip Club
Because Nerds and Geeks
Wanna Make The Scene Too
Entering The Mobius Strip Club, you know
you're home. Depending upon the type of socializing you want to do, or do not
want to do, you may choose among a number of seating arrangements. The Mobius
Strip Club provides computer tables, cubicles and a large table for conferences
and brainstorming. All the chairs are ergonomic, of
course, for your maximum comfort. We like to
call these chairs cogito ergonomic.
The erotic fractal paintings on the walls add
to the ambiance of endless hedonism. The
disconcerting glare and fatiguing flicker of the lighting have been
painstakingly crafted to remind you of your beloved PC or Mac, which you tore
yourself away from to come visit us. The Mobius Strip Club appreciates how hard
this was for you to do and strives to lessen your pining in any way we can.
Need the loo? Having anticipated your every
need, we've indicated the bathrooms in large letters that say "
All members are given a complimentary minute
timer, decorated with the Mobius Strip Club logo, upon entering. You'll see why when you enter our unique
games room – but that's a few drinks down the road. In the meantime, belly up
to the bar and get in the right mood for play.
All self-respecting nightclubs worthy of the
name develop specialty House drinks that reflect the true spirit of the club
and the Mobius Strip Club is no exception.
Our house ethanol, which will get your motor humming and running from
the first drink, has been cooked up by our own house chemists in our very own
bathtub. Of course, our extensive bar
offers all the fine, legal name brands as well, which can be purchased at
additional exorbitant charge.
The Fuzzy Bottom: Inspired by fuzzy
logic, The Mobius Strip Joint House special will have you feeling fuzhy in
short order.
½ shot of your favorite plonk* and ½ shot of
peach-flavored schnapps.
Served straight, we call this The Fuzzy
Bottoms Up.
Served on ice this drink is called The Fuzzy
Rock Bottom.
*The Mobius Strip Club staff thinks this
drink is really special made with either Ripple or Boone's Farm. Our wine
stewards are always on hand for you to consult with.
A surcharge of $.50 will be charged for a
clean glass. Your understanding and indulgence is humbly requested.
The Isaac Newton: ½ shot of your preferred gin and ½ shot of Apple Jack,
served with one of those fig thingies at no additional cost. Absolutely
delicious, the Mobius Strip Club staff urges you to drink these 'til you drop.
The Basho: ½ shot of Sake and ½ shot of banana liqueur
The Edgar Allen Poe: Tincture of Opium
(Shshshsh. Mum's the word)
The Copernicus: Guaranteed to put you into orbit, our take on the "Polish
Professor" made with a generous shot of vodka, pineapple juice and
lemon-lime soda
The Descartes: Drink your favorite cognac 'til you can think not for
one special price! We regret that we must ask that you pay in advance for this
deal, including gratuity. The Mobius Strip Club staff thanks you in advance for
your understanding as to why we must make this request.
The Dostoevsky I: A shot of your favorite vodka and the anti-convulsive of
your choice
The Dostoevsky II: A shot of your
favorite vodka and the anti-pyrexia agent of your choice.
The
Schrodinger's Cat: Your favorite Austrian beer served in a flask. Is
hydrocyanic acid in it or not?
The Socrates: Forward thinking, the Mobius Strip Club staff
understands that life gets to be a bit too heavy for those philosophically
inclined. We promote the right to a
dignified death! Those requesting our
"Special Brew" will be served hemlock in a bowl. (Shshshsh. Mum's the word).
The Van de Graaf: For those who
intend to get seriously smashed, our specialty version of the Long Island Iced
Tea is sure to please.
The Mobius Strip Club strives to make the
female of the species feel almost equal in intelligence. To that purpose, we have developed an
extensive selection of "ladies' drinks" that, if drunk in sufficient
quantity, will foster the illusion.
The Emily Dickinson: Feeling
agoraphobic? First time you've been out
in two decades? The Mobius Strip Club's version of the Pink Lady, made with our
chemists' own bathtub gin, is guaranteed to give you renewed confidence and a
bolder spirit.
The Dorothy Parker: The Mobius Strip Club's House
Martini. Three and you're under the
table. Four and your under the Host.
The Grandma Moses: A nice hot cup of tea with honey and a splash of Manischewitz elderberry wine
The Agatha Christie: A Mobius Strip Club special. Changes every night. Three liquors or liqueurs. Guess what's in it and win a prize!
The Catherine the
Great: Our version of The Screaming Orgasm
The Sylvia Plath: Your favorite beer served in a bell jar
The Virginia Woolf: All you can drink
for a set fee
The Noesis Oasis
Ever mindful of the peculiar proclivities of
our clientele, The Mobius Strip Club staff recognizes that some of you
dipsticks are going to want to stay stone cold sober. We have an extensive
range of non-alcoholic drinks on hand just for you creepy party poopers.
The Mobius Strip Club Food Menu
We at The Mobius have invested tremendous
effort in creating a food menu that is at once profoundly satisfying, promotes
clarity and agility of mind and contains plenty of nerve healthy vitamins and
minerals because we know that high-IQ people tend to be nervous wrecks. Please allow us to suggest:
The Sarte: Wholly uninspired
and infinitely boring French Onion Soup served with soggy baguette. Guaranteed to make you feel
that your existence is utterly meaningless. Nauseating.
The De Beauvoir: The Sartre for two, but The Mobius Strip Club will only
serve it to a party of three.
The Mobius Strip Club Sandwich: Choline, Vitamin B complex and folic acid rich for
optimum mental performance, our paradigm-shifting club sandwich is made from
layers of bacon strips, sliced ham, roasted turkey breast, Swiss cheese,
lettuce, tomato and our special dressing piled high on slices of whole wheat or
multi-grain bread.
The Rubenesque: Inspired by the fact that many of us high-IQ special
people are a bit, well, let's tell it like it is – pudgy, we have named our version of the famous
Reuben sandwich after the Flemish artist Peter Paul Rubens,
as the sandwich is, like us, a bit over-stuffed. In deference to forward-thinking people's
sensitivities and in keeping with PC, we request that you not say "sauerkraut",
but rather sour German, when referring to one of the ingredients in The
Rubenesque. Thank you in advance for your understanding and cooperation.
The Mobius Guinness Stew: Inspired by two great Celtic poets, to wit: Wm. Butler
Yeats of Ireland (because the dish is stewed in Guinness Irish Stout) and
Robert Burns, Scotland's premier bard (because the cook sometimes gets into the
Guinness while cooking, gets just a wee bit stewed himself and forgets when to
take the stew off the fire), our version of the classic Guinness Stew is a
heartwarming special. Notice the cute
little mobius strips that the bacon strips in the stew have been fashioned
into.
The Hippocrates ("Let food be thy
medicine and medicine be thy food.") Mobius Strip
Club Salads: We, the ever open-minded
staff of The Mobius Strip Club, offer the most lame and uncool of our members
the option of eating salad and tofu if they don't have the social skills not to
do so in public. Ask our waiters and waitresses about our secret salads and
tofu dishes. Each one is maximally nutrient-dense and just packed with that
dietary fiber that so many pudgy, anal retentive, high-IQ geeks and nerds need
so very much. Please, when you order, do
so in a low voice and try not to make an obstreperous spectacle of yourself.
Thank you in advance for your consideration and cooperation.
The Mobius Strip Club's enticing desserts
are sure to satisfy every taste and temperament.
The Nutjob: Our maddeningly delicious Amaretto cheesecake
The
The Nero: The ultimate flambé dessert. A once in a
lifetime cheap thrill for the pyromaniacs among us. Your choice of ice cream, fruit topping and
liqueur
Heads Up! Free giveaways!
You won't find a deal like this in any other club! Any member of the
Mobius Strip Club who is willing to play a solo violin piece will get one of
these desserts free. If the composer of the piece is Italian, you will receive
a double dip.
If you are twice blessed and have Multiple
Personality Disorder, as well as pyromania, and are able and willing to play a
piece written for a string quartet or quintet, we will award you a quadruple or
quintuple dip respectively - free of charge!
The Spinoza: Dutch Chocolate
Angel Cake. Any valid card carrying
member who has purchased at least one of these desserts every month for a year
will receive a written plaint of mercy to the religious establishment of his or
her choice from The Mobius Strip Club staff for a nominal fee if he or she is
anathematized.
The Mobius Strip Club
Games Room
Minute Mobius Strip
Club Chess: Remember that complimentary
minute timer you received upon entering? All members who have had at least two
drinks are entitled to play Minute Mobius Strip Chess for no additional fee.
Mobius Strip
Crossword: Are you a bit of a loner? Kinda misanthropic? Don’t wish to relate, but want to get naked
anyway? The Mobius Strip Club staff understands your eccentricity and endeavors
to cater to every whim born of being severely intellectually gifted. We offer
Strip Crossword just for you, the misanthropic member trying to conquer his or
her painful self-consciousness. Feel
free to take off an item of clothing for every cryptic clue you solve.
The Heisenberg Game: All members who are three sheets to the wind, as
empirically verified by a breathalyzer, may join in our nightly Heisenberg Game. The object of the game is to try to determine
where in the Mobius Strip Club you are located. Since
this cannot be determined with any certainty, the person who comes up with the
most original story, or the most plausible alibi, is the winner!
Hex - The Piet Hein/ John Nash Board Game: A Win-Win board
game for cash prizes! Advanced players can opt to play in a straight jacket
and/or after taking 15 - 40 mg. of Stelazine Trifluoperazine depending upon individual
expertise. For an additional fee you may
bring your imaginary friends. No
kibitzing!
The Mobius Strip Club's Contribution to Eugenics
OK, OK, admittedly, our male dancers don't
look like Chippendales. These guys carry a heavy genetic load though, ladies.
Hey, they were chosen for their brains, not their brawn, after all! They're most enthusiastically available for
private parties, including bachelorette parties, and whatever other freaky
parties you high-IQ gals can think of.
We thank you sincerely for having been
patronizing; umm, I mean having patronized, The Mobius Strip Club. We hope
you'll think of The Mobius as a home away from home. Feel free to return to the Mobius again, and again and again and blow as much cash here as you
can.
THE MOBIUS STRIP CLUB - where the beat goes
on and on and…
Doreen Ellen Bell-Dotan,