THE
MOBIUS STRIP CLUB HAS UNDERGONE
RENOVATION
AND EXPANSION
Our novel and premier idea caught on quick.
The Mobius Strip Club became the high IQ happening hotspot to see and be seen
in practically overnight! In order to accommodate the burgeoning interest
in the joint, er, our upscale, exclusive club, The Mobius Strip Club has undergone
expansion and renovations.
In addition to the ergonemo, um, I mean
ergonomic chairs, our décor now includes chaises longues and couches for
maximum feel-at-home comfort for those Mobius Strip Club members who are in
therapy. The sensitive staff of The Mobius Strip Club is proud to offer you
this unique and special provision. Every one of our chaises longues and couches
has been approved of and certified as authentic by the prestigious American
Psychoanalytical Association.
The expansion of our club also allowed us to
provide a lab coat check room for your convenience. Please be sure to hold on to your lab coat
check numbers. Trying to distinguish between one white coat and another is incredibly
boring. Remember, here at the unique
Mobius Strip Club even the coat check person has a minimum IQ of 140. Do try to
be considerate and not make him or her do menial work unnecessarily. If the lab
coat check number you have been given is both a perfect square and square
root, you are entitled to a drink on the house!
Important Announcement to all valid card carrying members of The Mobius Strip
Club:
We have hired Bouncers. As our name
spread, people have been trying to gain admission into The Mobius Strip Club
with forged membership cards. Fools! Being the high IQ Type 5/6 sleuths that we
are, we sussed the imposters out in a trice.
In their profound stupidity, they showed up at our door not wearing
glasses. They have left us no recourse but to resort to regrettably drastic
measures in order to prevent undesirables from crashing our parties. Anyone
daring to show up at The Mobius Strip Club with a fake ID (remember: watch out
for those without glasses) will be unceremoniously bounced forthwith and tout
suite. Your cooperation in making a
spectacle of the unbespectacled is requested. When the normies come around
jeer, sneer, mock, deride and get mercilessly sarcastic. Be pugnacious. Be sardonic.
Be creatively obnoxious as only genuine high IQ nerds and geeks know how to be.
Sic 'em.
We have extended our drink and food menus
into hyperspace! We're sure you'll find
our new selections irresistible. Never fear, your favorites are all still on
hand. We understand how insecure high IQ
people are and know that being obsessive-compulsive about doing the same thing
again and again creates the illusion of security. We wouldn't dream of taking
your regular drinks and comfort foods from you. Hey, an endlessness treadmill
that leads nowhere is a central Mobius Strip Club theme!
Newcomers to The Mobius Strip Club Drinks Menu
The Hypersphere: The Mobius Strip Club's frozen daiquiris in the fruit
flavor of your choice. Three of these and you won't know what dimension you're
in, or care for that matter. The
Tesseract, the non-alcoholic version of The Hypersphere for our extremely
square members who don't imbibe, can be purchased at The Noesis Oasis.
The Dante: Abandon hope all ye who drink this. The Mobius Strip Club's
sure-fire Punch made with our very own home-made pure, undenatured 192 proof (96%) ethanol. Vroom. Vroom.
No, we
haven't forgotten you lovely high IQ ladies. We've developed still more
"ladies' drinks" with you in mind.
Please ask your waiter or waitress about the new house specials we're
very proud to premiere:
The
Lucrezia Borgia: The Mobius Strip Club's version of the classic
"Margarita", but instead of rimming the glass with NaCl, it is rimmed
with NaCN
The
Ultra Violet: Inspired by Andy
Warhol's greatest star, whose fame lasted for about 20 minutes.
Hey, that's 1/3 more Miles than any of his other stars got! The Mobius Strip
Club's version of The BlackBerry '57 Chevy, made with a full jigger each of
vodka and Blackberry Schnapps, is sure to lift your spirits out of the deep
cosmic blues, Mama.
We've
added non-alcoholic drinks at The Noesis
Oasis
for you ladies as well. Be sure to ask
about the house specials:
The
Marie Curie: Liquid barium solution served in a coconut shell or
hollowed-out pineapple rind. Decorated with adorable little colorful paper umbrellas.
Remember to sip it slowly through the straw we've thoughtfully provided at no
additional charge.
The
Louisa May Alcott:
Her intellectual merit notwithstanding, Miss Alcott was a
proponent of "temperance", and so we have relegated her to The
Noesis Oasis. If you request The
Louisa May Alcott you will receive a glass of cold, sparkling apple juice and a
raised eyebrow. Since we can think of nothing more boring than sparkling apple juice, except flat sparkling apple juice, we
will add peach, boysenberry, blackberry, blueberry, raspberry, strawberry,
cranberry or grape juice to it for an additional $1.00 surcharge. You deserve to pay more for being such a limp
biscuit.
Debut
Dishes We Promise Will Delight
Your Discerning Palate
(If they don't, just try to
sue us. Our lawyers will gnaw the flesh
from your bones.)
The Oppenheimer: The Mobius Strip Club's Cholent
with Kishke. Fatty chunks of cheap, salty kosher beef slow-cooked with beans,
potatoes, pearl barley and, for extra fat and
cholesterol, we add kishke ("stuffed derma") which is made by
stuffing beef intestines with bread crumbs, seasonings and chicken fat. This
little bomb is an Eastern and Central European Jewish classic. It is absolutely
yummy, if as crude and utterly lacking in class as food can be. It will sit in
your intestines for days, so you can make your nemeses' lives absolutely
miserable for about a week.
The Mobius Strip Club Haggis: Inspired by two Scottish greats, to wit: David Hume, who
wrote the most ponderous and boring treatise of all time and lived on the cheap
for philosophical reasons long before Abbie Hoffman wrote STEAL THIS BOOK, and
Robert Burns, the most brilliant poet Scotland every produced, who wrote odes
to this stuff. No self-respecting, upscale establishment would neglect to offer
Haggis, the classical Scottish dish, to its most discerning customers. Basically, it's leftovers from The
Oppenheimer that have been stuffed into a cow's bladder or sheep's stomach and
boiled. Absolutely offal.
The Tolstoy: Salty, slimy,
smelly black-grey caviar served with crème fraiche over blini. An, um, acquired taste. The Mobius Strip Club exacts an exorbitant
price for this dubious pleasure. The way we see it, if you eat this stuff you
deserve to be taken to lunch.
The Nabokov: Red caviar served on little crackers or white bread.
The Ai No Corrida: The Japanese take on "Thousand Year Old Eggs"
The Fellini: The Mobius Strip Club's eggplant parmesan. When our petulant chef gets into one of his
more histrionic tempers he whips up a batch. A special treat when it can be
had. Layers of fried eggplant soaked in reused oil, bottled tomato sauce,
generous amounts of rubbery mozzarella and topped with
young, bargain parmesan cheese. Served with your choice of
antipasti, our choice of antipathy and bruschetta.
We recommend a nice, cheap Mezza Corona Pinot Grigio, which is certainly a
good enough compliment to this dish.
Ask our wine
steward about our extensive list of wines under $10.00.
The Hypatia I: Our
fresh-from-the-sea Oysters on the Half Shell
The Hypatia II: The Mobius Strip Club's version of Oysters Rockefeller
Let's tell it like it is: we freaky geekies
do an inordinate amount of chocolate. No dessert menu geared toward high IQ
clientele would be complete without chocolate desserts.
The Grimm Brothers Fairytale Cake: Our version of
the classic Black Forrest cake, made with Kahlua liqueur and a few other
potions the pastry chef refuses to divulge. Wickedly
delicious.
The
Toulouse-Lautrec: The Mobius Strip Club's
Chocolate Truffle Raspberry Cheesecake, made with genuine Chambourd raspberry
liqueur. Our special version of an old-time favorite
is absolutely decadent.
The
Triple Chocolate Ice Cream: Served only to those
scoring at or above the 99.9th percentile on recognized IQ tests. Our velvety
rich white chocolate ice cream, with 70% chocolate bittersweet chocolate chips
is served in a scalloped dish made of fine milk chocolate. Go ahead. Don't be
reticent now. Eat it in front of everyone!
The
Raven:
Chocolate Ice Cream served with our special dark chocolate fudge, laced with
Crème de Cacao.
The
Trotsky: The Mobius Strip Club staff
is exquisitely aware of how you struggle with your penchant for chocolate on
the one hand and your anal retentive nature on the other. We have developed a very special dessert we
promise you won't find anywhere else Kahlua-flavored chocolate mousse made
from your favorite chocolate-flavored laxative. Indulge in the deep, chocolaty smooth
richness of our mousse without hesitation.
You'll be feeling like trotting of to
The Mobius Strip Club Games Room has been
renovated as well, thus allowing us ample space to offer more games.
The Mobius Strip
Club Strings Game: All members who have
had at least four alcoholic drinks can play. Ten separate strands of string of
various lengths have been tightly wound together to form an infinity-shaped
skein. The first to undo the skein
without getting the strings tangled wins the Space Cadet of the Night
Award. Don't snigger. This is good for one drink of your choice on
the house.
Those who strip off an article of clothing
with every string they separate from the skein get a free lap dance from the
dancer of their choice.
If the winner of the Space Cadet of the Night
Award also stripped, he or she is entitled to perform a lap dance on the dancer
of his or her choice.
The Jiang Qing: The Mobius Strip Club staff has not overlooked the needs
and desires of a very special segment of our high IQ population the
post-menopausal dread termagants among us. We have developed a truly
revolutionary cultural phenomenon for you dear ladies a unique game of
Mahjong. Played by a Gang of Four. Discard an item of clothing with each tile. Girdle
and elastic stockings too! Go ahead. No one will be able to stomach looking at
you anyway. These games will be televised. Punishments will be meted out to
those so inclined, iff you ask very, very nicely. Referrals to rehabilitation camps will be
written by the Mobius Strip Club Staff upon request for a modest fee.
A new attraction at The Mobius Strip Club is
our Occupational
Therapy Room. Based on the Ningen Kokuho
(Living National Treasures of Japan), we offer a wide selection of occupational
therapy for those members of our august club who are struggling to attain
sanity.
We are delighted to offer:
Origami and paper airplane folding
Ikebana and lei making
Koto playing, banjo strumming and tooth
picking
Bunraku make your own dummies. (Almost life size!
Haven't you always wished you could create the dummies around you as you
want them to be? The Mobius Strip Club
staff does our utmost to enable you to live out your every fantasy.)
Bento box making and decoupage of old cigar
boxes
Sushi rolling from the top of a hill
Furoshiki and bandana tying
Ceramics making tea cups for the High Tea
Ceremony
If all else fails, Seppuku
Gesundheit!
The Mobius Strip Club Member of the Year
Voting
will take place for The Mobius Strip Club Member of the Year on
the anniversaries of our opening. The
nominees will be the three members who spent the most money at the Mobius Strip
Club during the year up to a week before our gala anniversary party. The voting
method that the Mobius Strip Club staff has undemocratically and heavy-handedly
decided upon is the The Condorcet Method because it is complicated,
unwieldy and unpopular. We have rejected the simple and straightforward Approval
Method of Voting out-of-hand despite the fact that it is used by the Mathematical
Association of America, the
Once again, we want to thank you exceedingly
sincerely from the cockles of our pristine hearts for your patronage. Keep coming back and keep spending that
money.
THE MOBIUS STRIP CLUB where the beat goes
on and on and
.
DOREEN ELLEN BELL-DOTAN,