BiSexual and Polyamorous
is how women would develop naturally without societal constraint. BiPoly is how women will be in a peaceful, free society
that does not presume to tell women how to express our natural
sexuality, the sexuality we are born with and that which we express when we are
little girls and fall in love with both males and females who become our
lifelong imagos.
The case for
Bisexuality and Polyamory as the norm of females can
be summed up in this magnificently accurate and beautiful description by Lord
Byron: "Man's love is of man's life a thing apart; 'tis woman's whole
existence."
Though the
majority of women are sexually attracted to men and find them exciting, few are
profoundly satisfied by men emotionally after the first months of courtship
during which men behave as though they are capable of the type of
self-disclosure and communication that women find so natural. In fact, the vast
majority men cannot sustain this state of intense emotion and openness for very
long.
Just as a woman
is becoming emotionally attached to a man she thinks understands her uniquely,
he becomes overwhelmed and frightened by the depth of emotion and pulls away to
regain his composure.
The sexual
response in women is connected to our emotional response. We cannot respond to
a man sexually who has hurt us by disappointing us, even if we love him. If we
love him and we are hurt we may submit to his overtures to have sex, but
we do not really wish to be physically intimate with him and we come away
feeling that we have been violated and that we betrayed ourselves by giving in.
We feel out of control of our bodies and helpless. Women are all too often
being put in the position of paying for keeping their men in their lives by
"putting out" when they do not really wish to.
Men simply
cannot love as women do. Men's brains are not "wired" to allow them
to communicate and emote, or even to think and emote, as women's brains are.
Men's lack of communication skills, relative to that of women, leaves us
feeling abandoned and unloved.
With each new
romance, we women think that we have finally found the one special man
who can understand, only to be disappointed again. Eventually, these repeated
disappointments lead to cynicism and wholly dysfunctional relationships.
Men find their
most sustained support for their identity in that which they do, that which
they accomplish. Women's primary satisfaction comes from their interpersonal
relationships. A man shows a woman he loves her by bringing home the bacon. A woman demonstrates her love in shows of
affection and in wanting to share her thoughts and feelings. Men are put off by
the amounts of shows of affection that a woman finds reassuring. A man in a
relationship is also generally bored and annoyed by a run-on litany fleeting of
thoughts and emotions that the woman experienced during the day. Women are hurt
when what they have to share is not appreciated. After all, sharing in this way
is the way in which women friends show one another they care.
Though women are
attracted to men in any number of ways and on any number of levels, when they
really need to be understood they generally turn to other women.
Much of the talk
that transpires between and among women centers on their common confusion and
frustration with men. They try to
analyze their men's behavior together and don't usually do a very good job. A
good deal of women's conversations consists of wheel-spinning second guessing
about men.
All too often
men do not satisfy us sexually either.
There is a basic biological parity between men and women. Unless this
parity is painstakingly overcome our sexual encounters with men leave us
emotionally as well as physically, even if we achieve orgasm.
A good deal of
unhappiness among women would be obviated if we women found the love our very
existence is dependent upon in one another.
We women can
satisfy one another emotionally as men cannot satisfy us. The love and mutual understanding that exist
between and among women in love far exceed that between men and women in love.
If women are to
be happy and profoundly fulfilled we will have to recognize that we need to be
more than just friends. To be complete,
we need to be one another's lovers.
Much of the
jealousy and competitiveness that exist between and among women is really
desire. We have been taught not to
desire one another, and society has taught us that it is forbidden to express
that desire, so we experience those feelings negatively.
When women make
themselves beautiful, do they not take other women's opinions of their looks
into consideration no less than the opinions of men?
If we woman
found the satisfaction of our profound need for love in one another's arms, we
would be less dissatisfied with our men. We would not, in our emotional
starvation, try to get more out of our men emotionally than they are capable of
giving us. We would enjoy the sexual pleasure that they can give us, have and
raise our babies with them, enjoy the special contribution they give as
friends, share our opinions with them on important matters in order to get both
the female and male perspective on things and work along side them as partners
and comrades in our workplaces. We would
be free to love them and receive as much love as they can give, but would not need
them either financially or emotionally.
If the pressure
to satisfy our every emotional and physical need was taken off men they would
feel freer to give what they honestly can.
They would not feel the need to protect themselves emotionally from us. We would not overwhelm them. We would not
seem as needy, weak and dependent to them.
We would not talk to them more than they can tolerate. They would come
to respect us in a way that society does not presently provide the conditions
for.
It is for the
above reasons that I believe that Bisexuality and Polyamory
are the norm and is the best possible state for women.
Note: I speak
for women, not for men. It is not my
place to decide if Bisexuality is the norm for men. I am not a man and do not
presume to decide what is best for men. Men will have to grapple with their
real needs and their cultural heritages and decide what is best for them. Men
have done a lousy job of describing the sexuality that is appropriate for
women. There is every reason to believe that women would do an equally lousy
job if we were to presume to describe men's sexuality for them.
It is clear that
Polyamory is the normal state for most men. That is
the universal norm and need not be proven. Polyamory
amongst men can be analyzed, but need not be proven. Only a small minority of
men absolutely freely choose to be monogamous with one woman all their lives.
The following account is from
a heterosexual, Polyamorous man who was involved in a
Polyamorous quad relationship for some time. He was
also a member of a Kibbutz for a period.
He relates the following account of his experience, which I have edited
with a very light hand to protect identities.
The passage is reproduced here with his written permission:
"Regarding my former
relationship with a poly group, my girlfriend and I were living with her
ex-boyfriend and his new love. The other couple was both bisexual. My
girlfriend and I were both straight, but, living together, we shared
everything. That's where I discovered how special it is to bond with this other
man, who I was not having sex with, but sharing the lovemaking with what was his partner, as well as my partner. Later, we had others
come by who were interested in playing with one or another of us, and,
chemistry being what it is, sometimes you just feel like being on the
sidelines, cheering your team on, LOL. Seriously, in a community of more than a
few people, I feel there are going to be people that, for one reason or
another, don't have sex. However, there should be a strong bond on an emotional
level. My feelings about children are
that a kibbutz is the absolute best way to raise a child, as children provide a
special energy to the community, and, as children are taught, so they will
teach (hopefully)."
I find the above passage remarkable. We see that the
relationships that are forged among the males need not be sexual in order to be
intimate. Rather than enmity and jealousy between or among men who are lovers
of the same woman or women, that situation can bring about profound closeness and
friendship, a feeling of sharing something precious.
We can extend this feeling of camaraderie to include our
economic relationships. Our lovers and
their lovers can also be those with whom we share cooperative ventures. When
those who we love either as dear friends or lovers are those with whom we share
the responsibility for our common livelihood, our bonds are reinforced.
If the men who are lovers of the same woman or women are close friends
based, in part, on that commonality and they are also members of the same
cooperative economic ventures, then our present problems of paternity,
including inheritance laws, that are based on greed,
ego, jealousy and possessiveness of women, children and property will become
passé.
All of the men, as well as all of the women, in Polyamorous communes will think of all of the children in
those communes as belonging to the entire community and children will be
thought of as being yours, mine and ours. This is true despite the fact that it is
highly unlikely that everyone in the commune will be lovers, as the author of
the passage above states. Human nature being what it is, we do not all fall in
love with everyone, are not sexually attracted to everyone and do not wish to
be sexually intimate with everyone. Sex
will always be very personal and quite exclusive. In the case of Polyamory, the exclusivity
involves a few people based on mutual love and desire, rather than one mate.
Communes based on "group marriage" involving all the
members are not likely to be stable. Past attempts at "group
marriage" have failed.
Doreen Ellen Bell-Dotan,