Lexicon
of Internet English in the Post-Traumatic Orthographic Era
Internet
Patois de Foie Gras English
I've always been a firm believer in the maxim
I just made up a couple of hours ago: If you can't beat 'em,
legitimize 'em.
With the undertaking of this Lexicon I hereby
officially attest and confirm that I have given up all hope of ever expecting
to find standardized English on the internet. I've undertaken to compile this
Lexicon to the purpose of conferring a measure of acceptability and respectability
to the patois that we encounter on the internet simply because there are more
of them than us.
Kindly allow me to proffer the following gems
for starters:
abherrant a contraction of
aberrant + abhorrent. The naughty girl's uninhibited sexual behavior was abherrant to the prudes and hypocrites in the small town
where she lived.
Adhance to enhance by addition, by advertising or by ad libbing
Allowed/Aloud The giving voice to one's
thoughts only after having received the permission that the obsequious need to
do so. Of course, the thoughts that
these mealy-mouthed, spineless wusses express are the
opinions expected of them to.
And mit an
English-speaking individual, accused of a crime, admitting to the fact that he
was working with a German-speaking accomplice.
Arama/aroma var. of orama. Occurring as the final element in
organic compounds when the first element is carbon, used so that the entire
compound is a mono- or polysaccharide and maintains the same intensity of
appetite-inducing odor.
Balmorphous This is a toughie. I'm
going to venture a couple of wild guesses here because I havent the vaguest
idea what the coiner of this term intended and evidently he didn't either. When
I asked, I received an answer that was at once snide and evasive, but provided
no clue whatsoever as to the meaning of 'balmorphous'. Here goes: 1. The
minimum number of phonemes required to form a petticoat? 2. A blasphemous morph? <shrug>
Beleave Function: transitive verb. variant form of bequeath. The
bereaved widow couldn't believe that her husband beleft
her nothing.
Bozon The appellation applied by the editor of this Lexicon to
the internet identity who calls people 'morphons'. The term means that he is a little clown in a
spin who doesn't matter much. See entry 'morphons' below.
Broach-Brook used interchangeably This
mistake was recently made by the Editor of this Lexicon. For whatever the
reason may be, I'm having a good deal of trouble coming up with a funny quip
about the provenance of this particular error. This error will remind me not to
get too big for my breeks when it comes to assessing
my command of the English language.
Candidness This is actually
the correct form of the noun. The candor
is a large Andean vulture that is in danger of extinction. It is already as dead as the dodo in cities
like
Carnelian - Posted on a message board by a
fundamentalist neo-con when describing the drives that motivate homosexuals and
other "pervs" (see below). A compound word that has been contracted and simplified into a
single word. My guess is that it
is carnal + anal + alien. (See my post
"Spacegirls").
Could/ Should/ Would
of An ubiquitous error made by the linguistic have-nots.
Cybar where one goes for a relaxing virtual drink, a get-together
with people who possess that special intangible je ne sais quoi or for an imaginary
pick-up.
Deflamation of character 1. vilification that involves
spreading rumors that an individual is a wet blanket. 2. the
natural process of becoming mellower with age that occurs to people whose
personalities were fiery when they were youngsters. 3. Telling someone "to
chill".
De
factor = de visor
Discrete/Discreet used interchangeably is
and adjective that describes a person who is very good at committing
adultery. Such a person keeps his or her
spouse and his or her lover/s separate by being exceptionally cautious and
secretive.
Discusting and its variant form Descusting
- These revolting misspellings of the infllected verb 'disgusting', as it used
to be spelled in the English we once knew and loved, are often encountered on
the internet. Since no amount of
spelling bee tutorials seem to have helped the people who insist upon
regurgitating these misspellings on message boards; a nice hot cup of ginger
tea might soothe those of us who see what's wrong with this picture.
Disgustment This is the form of 'disgust'
employed by those who wish to state categorically that that the noun is
intended, not the transitive or intransitive forms of the verb. See also: Discusting and Descusting above.
Distruct this is what an influx of undesirable new neighbors do to your area of domicile.
Earily Hearing odd
things.
E-boli A most pernicious chimera of
the Ebola virus and E-Coli bacterium.
Endoctrinating The manipulation of the hormones produced by the
endocrine system for the purpose of brain washing.
Epifimy epiphany + infamy. The afflatus that brings with it the sudden
realization that one's true calling is perfidy.
Every
drooling minute That which is felt by a person on a strict reducing diet when
preparing lavish meals for a party of a hundred or more.
Everythings the plural of everything.
Except-Accept
used interchangeably The acceptionally
linguistically challenged experience a great deal of trouble utilizing the
terms 'except' and 'accept' appropriately.
These people seem to be legion on the internet. It is a very common error and one we are
simply going to have to learn to except.
Explane A plane that came
under the influence of a gravitational field. Also the
description of a being that makes no contact with any ground whatsoever.
Exposion 1. a scholarly symposium on the
topic of nudism held at an exclusive black tie only private club.
2. A subatomic particle that uninhibitedly reveals both its position and
momentum to observers. It also reveals an anomalous little dangly bit, the
nature of which science has not yet been successful in determining.
Fluxuate This is either a misspelling of 'fluctuate' or relates
to noxious effluent.
Have Breed a person of mixed racial and/or ethnic heritage in
whom virtue and character have been inculcated
Hocked
up/Hopped up (on drugs) used interchangeably This is someone so strung out on
drugs that they are under the influence most of the time and have pawned all of
their belongings in order to pay for drugs.
Hostel/Hostile used interchangeably - Perhaps
the people who do not know the difference between 'hostel'
and 'hostile' are being held hostage at the Hotel California.
Immunity/impunity used interchangeably. The psyche no
longer being shocked and the sensibilities no longer being outraged after
repeated exposure to the phenomenon of people with money, power and influence
doing as they damn well please without paying any social or economic price.
Imutation an imitation of a real mutation
Independance The White man's response to the Ghost Dance
Infantasize What you imagine doing to Junior when it's
Inscrotable One picture is worth a thousand words: http://tinyurl.com/cveub or http://tinyurl.com/6lprx
Insightful/Inciteful used interchangeably Taking the metaphor of a
smoldering gaze way too far.
Insinewate Being bound by that which one implies.
In stead In situ. This archaic and once obsolete form has been revived in
the computer age.
Intiminate to intimidate one's intimates
Keels over/Kills over used interchangeably -
describes what happens to a human being hit with an elephant tranquilizing dart.
Langauge 1. an instrument used to measure the
length of tongues. 2. a means of measuring or testing
verbal aptitude. 3. the projected amount of time that
the native language of a culture or ethnic group is predicted to be extant. 4. the length, as opposed
to the area, of networking capability of a group of computers in close
proximity to each other.
Masterbaiter 1. a person who gets their jollies
by deftly manipulating people into compromising, embarrassing, awkward, precarious,
or otherwise undesirable positions 2. your garden
variety internet troll
Mellowdramatic Should be the synonym, but becomes the antonym of
'histrionic' when spelled this new and innovative way.
Misconscrewed when you get into trouble with, or lambasted by, someone
who took your perfectly innocent intentions entirely wrong and is exacting
revenge for what he or she thinks you did or said
Mongrol a hybrid crossing of a Mongol with another People
Mono lingual being rendered
permanently monolingual as a result of having contracted the (tongue) kissing
disease
Morphon This is an insult.
This appears to be another case of a compound word that has been
contracted and simplified into one word.
I think it is a contraction of moron + morphologically deformed. The
irony of the fact that this word was coined and is much bandied about by a
semi-literate does not escape the Editor of this Lexicon.
Moot-Mute used interchangeably This is a
point that it would have been far better had the person who made it shut up
rather than stating it.
Mugician a musician who plays so well as
to be magical
Oh, contrare! I
love it when you speak French, Morticia!
Oscelate = (Ocelot+Oscillate) 1. a
medium-sized breed of wild cat that scans the landscape for prey by moving its
head in a continuous sweeping motion to and fro. 2. an
adolescent ocelot that has not yet decided upon its political persuasion and,
therefore, oscillates between opposing ideas "trying them on for
size".
Parsing an acronym The Editor of this
Lexicon was amused no end to read a Braggadocio of a Mensa
member who claimed that there is nary an acronym that s/he cannot parse.
Perv or its variant spelling pev - An abbreviation of the English noun 'pervert'. Only the good Lord knows why the noun is alternatively
abbreviated without the letter 'r'.
Polyamorous/Polyamoral/Polyomonous/ - used
interchangeably is an avoidance mechanism. It means that the polyamorous way of life appears ominous to those who would
use these terms interchangeably in so many ways that they cannot so much as
entertain the thought. Thus, whatever morality it may or may not involve
remains indeterminate to those individuals.
Polymath:
An anonymous contributor on the internet defined the term such: "It's
the mathematical skill required to keep track of multiple obligations,
obviously. Or it should be." He's half right. That is not the
definition, but darned well it should be.
Ratitude the way you feel about just about everyone and everything in
the world if you havent cultured a feeling of gratitude
Sow
(pronunciation sau, function noun) /sow (pronunciation
sō, function verb) used interchangeably - when,
in sowing one's wild oats, one acts like a feral pig
Sporatic a contraction of sporadic + erratic + erotic. Spores, particularly those that develop a phallus, I mean a thallus, but only when they're randomly in the mood.
Them selves This should, of course, be those selves or,
alternatively, their selves.
Vicous - Not sure if this is vicious or viscous. It may be
either, or both, as the social circumstances dictate.
It is my hope that the compilation of this
Lexicon will be an ongoing project.
Please feel free to add any and all misspellings, misstatements and/or
malapropisms that you have encountered on the internet which so irk you that
you have to spit them out and get them out of your system.
This Lexicon is compiled in a spirit of fun. It certainly is not meant to insult anyone. It
is devoted not to those who laugh only at others, but to those who laugh with
others and at themselves.
Doreen Ellen Bell-Dotan,