Fifteen: How Much I Love You

He cursed the cauldron, wishing that he could bring it up and smash it down to break it into a million pieces. This was a strange experience for him, trying not to brew a potion. Always there had been the temptation, always there had been the materials accessible to sate his desire to combine ingredients, to know in the beauty of the cauldron, with its shimmering fumes, the power of the liquids as they creep through human veins, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses�

He really did think of that speech as a spot of genius, and when added with the bit about bottling fame and stoppering death, it was guaranteed to scare first-years. Brilliant. Snape smiled, and then stopped himself. Don�t smile; not just yet, especially since you can�t bottle, brew, or put a stopper in anything right now.

Grr.

The night dragged on, and knowing that he wouldn�t find any sleep, as he was too worried about Hermione, and their child, and both of their well-beings, Snape sat in his classroom and graded things. Though, this probably wasn�t a very good time to grade things since he was in so contrary a mood that he was ready to just strike through things, be they mistakes or not. And those foolish pupils of his would whimper and moan about their poor grades, even if they had earned every point deducted fair and square.

At about seven thirty in the morning, their came a knock at his door, which woke him up �strangely enough he had fallen asleep, though he hadn�t realised it. He blinked bleary, stinging eyes, and yawned, raking his hair back with his thin fingers.

"Come in, Hermione," he called, sitting back in his chair. Having been incredibly bored the night before, he�d rehearsed what he would say to her, at least a little. And he was sure that she couldn�t win this argument.

The tired-looking young woman entered, and shut the door behind her. It didn�t look as though she had gotten much sleep, either, but be that as it may, Snape still found her the most beautiful creature on the planet. It really was too bad that he himself was so unfortunately mutilated by the hands of the Gods.

"Have you got it?" Hermione asked, walking to the front of the room. Snape stood up as she approached, and faced her squarely, shaking his head.

"No, Miss Granger. I don�t," he said firmly. Hermione paused mid-step, and then put her foot down, crossing her arms.

"No?"

"I�m not going to let you do this to yourself," said Snape, walking around his desk, and walking to her. He towered over her imposingly.

"You think you can stop me?" asked Hermione, glaring defiantly up at him.

Sometimes she was scary when she was angry, and at other times amusing, and still at other times she was just adorable. This was a mix of the second and the third options, simply because Snape knew how foolish she was being.

Still, he wasn�t going to laugh at her. That wouldn�t help him gain her favour back after breaking a promise, small though the promise was. And he needed at least some of her favour to convince her of the lack of wisdom that her current decision possessed, and to perhaps even change her mind.

"I know I can," said Snape. For some reason he was just interested in what her reaction to that would be.

"You�re so arrogant!" Hermione exclaimed, gesticulating wildly. "God! I haven�t met anyone nearly so self-centred in my life. And you don�t even keep promises, for God�s sake. And then, you�re not even finished, oh, no. Then, you say you can make my decisions for me. Ugh. You�re just a big, stupid, nasty, greasy old git! And a control freak, too, and� and..." Apparently having run out of faults to find with him, she finished off with an exasperated, "Some friend you are!"

"I�m not just your friend," said Snape calmly, catching her flailing arms. He drew her slightly closer to him, so that he could shoot those penetrating glare-daggers into her eyes. "And whether you realise it or not, some people do care about you. So, what I want you to do, is sit there in that seat and think about what you�ve done. It�s a weekend, and I have all day to wait for you to come to your senses."

Hermione scowled at him, but Snape was not to be defeated. He gazed at her sternly. She wrenched free from his grasp and slumped into a chair at one of the tables where the students usually sat. Snape, who knew he was probably in for a long wait, drew his own chair out, and caught it underneath him so that he could straddle the back. He crossed his arms, resting them on the back of the chair, and watched her serenely.

Hermione�s scowl remained, and she crossed her own arms, sitting back in her chair, watching him watch her. They engaged in a bit of a staring contest for a long while, Snape calm and Hermione bursting with anger, which she only thought was directed at Snape. Really, Snape knew just where it was directed.

Finally, Hermione spoke, blinking and loosing the staring contest, but probably not really concerned about that.

"Why do you treat me like this?" she asked carefully.

Well, now was as good a time as ever to be honest. Snape tilted his head inquisitvely at her.

"Why do you let me?"

Hermione started to answer, but then trailed off. Snape made wise eyebrows at her. "You might want to think about that, Miss Granger."

Hermione scowled again. "What�s in it for you to torment me?"

"I�m not tormenting you," said Snape. "Clever as you are, my dear, you're about as sharp as a marble."

"Meaning?" asked Hermione, seeming less irritated with him, as though truly interested.

"Meaning I�m going to keep you here until you realise that you can�t do this to yourself, or ruin your life in this way. You can�t destroy what we made together. I won�t let you."

"And why the hell not?" Hermione spat, angry again. "How come you think you can control me?" she asked, looking wearied, as though truly and utterly fed up.

Snape snorted. "Oh, believe you me, no one could do that. I�m just telling you the simple truth. I wish you�d listen," he said.

"I wish you�d let me leave," said Hermione grumpily, frowning.

"I will, since you�re so poor a conversational partner. But first you�ve to tell me who you are, and what you�ve done with Hermione. I do miss her so," said Snape. "Could you tell me where you�ve put her?"

Hermione�s eyes saddened. "I�m right here," she whispered. Snape moved closer to her, and took her hands in his.

"Then show me. You�re a strong person, Hermione. That I know too well. You can�t let one arse hole, pardon my language, like Malfoy ruin everything for you. You�re tougher than that, tougher than dragon hide �forgive me that awful cliche, please," said Snape, and Hermione smiled, finally smiled.

Snape went on, gazing deeply into her eyes, "And I don�t want you to give up painting a whole room pink for a baby that turns out to hate pink when she grows up. Or buying ridiculous baby clothes and toys and all sorts of nonsensical things, or picking names, or whatever the hell it is that you do when you have a baby. Because I know that you can live through this."

Hermione gazed at him silently for a minute, seeming bewildered, her eyes soft and shining gently. Snape quirked an eyebrow at her.

"What?" he asked.

"You know, you�re right. It�s just� I�ve never heard you talk like that before," Hermione murmured, a little smile playing on her face. She shook her head in amazement. "So passionately."

Snape shrugged. "You must be rubbing off on me, Miss President of the Society for the Protection of Elfish Welfare," he said, smiling lopsidedly.

Hermione laughed, a laugh remarkably alike to daisies, friendly and happy. It was a marvellous sound to Snape who had only seen her in a particularly foul mood for so long a time. He�d missed her laugh.

"Oh, God," said Hermione, glowing with embarrassment, but grinning notwithstanding. "Don�t bring that up. I was so� God, there isn�t even a word for it," she said, laughing again.

Now it was Snape�s turn to stare at her contemplatively.

"What?" Hermione giggled.

Snape�s expression only altered slightly, to a deeper level of sobriety. "Hermione, can I tell you something?"

What the hell are you doing? screamed a voice in the back of his head. Don�t tell her, you dolt!

"Yes, anything," said Hermione, nodding.

"I love you." Oh, please don�t reject me, said Severus silently. Please, please don�t.

Hermione started slightly, as though surprised that so vile a creature as her former Potions Master was capable of love. Then she let go of his hand and moved her soft fingers to tuck a stray strand of hair behind his ear.

Her hand remained there to caress his cheek. "Oh� Gods, I�" She averted her eyes for a moment, removing her hand. Snape was scared for a second, genuinely afraid.

And then Hermione looked back at him again, saying, "I don�t know if I love you. I know that I don�t want to be without you, maybe that I even want to spend my life with you. I know that you make me feel so good, like I�m not alone, like I never will be again so long as you�re with me� but is that really love?"

Snape lifted her hand and kissed it, praising what deities there were for giving him this woman, this perfect woman.

"Do I really need to answer that?" he asked, holding her hand as though clinging to dear life.

"No. Oh, Severus, I do love you," she said, gripping his hand with equal tenacity.

Then Snape stood, and drew her up to take her in his arms and hold her. He just wanted to hold her, nothing more. Her arms slid up around his neck, and she hugged him tightly, burying her face in his shoulder, breathing his scent. Snape wrapped his arms around her waist, tucking her head under his chin; she was so easy to hold, and too hard to let go.

"I�m not going to let you go," he said, tightening his arms around her.

Hermione smiled into his chest, and closed her eyes, sighing contentedly. "I�m okay with that," she said.

 

Vanessa Granger did not look happy, a frown creasing her face, rather unattractively, actually. Glenn Granger looked even less happy, regarding his daughter over the rims of his spectacles, with a very disapproving raised eyebrow.

"Pregnant?" Vanessa remarked, as though not sure she�d heard Hermione correctly. Hermione nodded resolutely.

"And� we know the father?" asked Glenn. Hermione looked slightly hesitant, now.

"Well, you�ve never met him," she said, though that didn�t really answer the question that her dad had been asking, if she read between the lines, which she had. He was asking who the father was. And she wasn�t ready to tell her parents that yet. They already seemed angry enough.

Vaguely, her parents knew of her former professor �mostly because of her complaining during the holidays �and actually disliked what they had heard of him, which Hermione knew could not be a good thing. Of course, she was at fault here, having complained a long time ago about a man that she had never thought would become her lover.

"Hermione," said Vanessa finally, folding her hands in a serious, business-like manner, "I�ve known you since you were born (well, obviously), and I have the distinct feeling that you�re smart enough to find out what to do on your own. Of course, I�m disappointed that you�d make a mistake like this, but sometimes in life you just come upon an� insane moment, and you don�t think to take precautions."

She glanced meaningfully at Hermione�s father, who coughed uncomfortably. Hermione looked between them, brows knitting. There was a very distinct question on her face, which Glenn answered reluctantly.

"We�ve never told you this, love, but your mum and I� we weren�t married when she first became pregnant with you. So, really, we�ve made quite a similar mistake, and I suppose we can sympathise," he said.

Hermione stared. The two people she�d thought would be more primeval than anyone else she knew, and they were� sympathetic.

Wild.

"Naturally, you�ll marry him, though," Glenn added then. Vanessa shot him a Look, and he shrank away. Vanessa, regaining her Understanding Mother look, turned back to Hermione.

"That is� if you choose to," she said gently. She shot another look at Glenn, who got an innocent look on his face.

"What?" he said quietly.

"We�ll talk about it later," said Vanessa sharply, under her breath. Hermione nearly giggled; they were like an elderly couple already, though neither was exceptionally old. They�d just been together for a very long time was all. Over twenty years, now.

Vanessa then went into the kitchen to make tea, which probably was a strategic move on her part. Hermione and her father gazed at each other for a second, in utter silence except for the muffled sounds of Hermione�s mother moving about in the kitchen.

"So, um� what have you been up to?" asked Glenn.

Hermione fidgeted. "Not much. I went to France recently," she said, pushing down harsh memories.

"Oh, really? For a holiday?" her father asked politely.

"No. For work," Hermione said.

"Oh." Silence. The small, gilt clock on the piano in the corner of the parlour ticked, measuring the silence in seconds.

"What is it that do you do now?" asked Glenn, after about five ticks.

"I�m an Ambassador for the Ministry of Magic� that�s sort of the government for wizards and witches," Hermione explained. Glenn nodded, listening. Hermione fell silent again.

Tick, tick, tick.

"How are your little friends doing?" asked Glenn.

"Harry and Ron? They�re fine. Harry�s married to Ron�s sister, Ginny, now, and she�s expecting, as well� Ron�s still alone, though," said Hermione. She looked uncomfortable. It just got a little weird when you hadn�t seen your parents in almost three years, she guessed. You couldn�t talk anymore.

Vanessa came in, then, with a tray of biscuits and tea. She placed it on the low, mahogany table between the sofa that she and Glenn occupied, and the armchair that held Hermione. Hermione took a biscuit and nibbled at it a little, feeling like a rabbit. She hoped that if she ate that her parents would see that she was too busy chewing to answer questions.

The rest of the visit was just polite questions, more silence, and tea and biscuits. Hermione felt very awkward, and though sad to leave her parents when she did depart, felt that she couldn�t belong anymore, at least not now. Maybe sometime later, when she had tangible evidence of their status as grandparents with her, and a husband. Husband. Now there was a scary word. But then, maybe it wasn�t so much.

She arrived back at home, and sat down on her sofa, and then heavily lying down so that her head hit the cushion with a soft noise. Soot leaped up and curled up against her abdomen. Hermione petted him, and rubbed the sweet spot under his chin, and sighed.

She didn�t want to have to deal with three babies in the house �those being their child, the cat, and Severus �especially if her child turned out to be a boy, too. She�d spent her whole life with boys. She wanted a girl to talk to, once she could talk, anyway, and to giggle over nail polish with, to teach to properly play with the minds of the male species, and to mess with hair and make-up with. Of course, she had to live through the baby stage, first.

Oh, Lord, how was she going to do this?

 

Snape Manor.

A lot friendlier than Malfoy Manor, to be sure, at least since she�d come here. She�d seen more flowers starting to appear around the big mansion house since she�d arrived, and the colours had changed. It had been mostly black and dreary before, but now Hermione was seeing a gradual change to brighter colours, midnight blue or emerald green or dark red. The house-elves had probably taken it upon themselves to put flowers around, but Hermione had a feeling that they weren�t the only ones playing with the décor of the house.

And just for the record, Soot had found cat heaven. It turned out that Severus had two cats of his own, both female, a calico and a pale grey kitten, both of whom had accepted Soot easily. They could often be seen either all watching the fish, or chasing gnomes, or looking for crickets and mice to pounce on.

Severus treated Hermione like a princess, with her prince-like cat, and she was consequently lapping it up. She padded around the house in flowered sundresses and bare feet, feeling like a balloon, with according, swollen balloon ankles. Severus was teaching her to play chess, at least properly. He�d taught her several different strategies for the game, though he still won.

It had been six months since that very special and painful January, but things had changed drastically. Love was a fantastic feeling, and it was getting more playful, and it was changing Severus. He was still the perfectly, wonderfully sardonic Snape, serious for the majority of the time, but he had a side that Hermione loved nearly as much, something happy and laughing, something that had survived from his pre-Death Eater days, she assumed. Or maybe it was only just now evolving.

They still weren�t married, but Severus was so blatantly nervous that it was driving Hermione bonkers. There were times when she almost expected him to say something, and he didn�t, but she knew the time was coming, so she waited. Still, she was annoyed. Sometimes he really could be a baby. Like all men. Hermione almost wanted to put him out of his misery and bring up the topic herself.

But it turned out she didn�t have to help him at all. At breakfast �oh, so romantic �one day in mid-July, Severus finally got around to growing up.

"Hermione," he said. Hermione glanced up from her fifth slice of toast.

"Hmm?" she said around a mouthful of generously buttered bread. She swallowed. "What is it?"

"Well� this may not be a particularly good time to ask, but� I was thinking," Severus said.

"You know how dangerous that is," Hermione joked, with a puckish smirk. Severus didn�t respond.

"I�ve been thinking," he said again, addressing his tea. "Um� well, I haven�t really rehearsed this, but I�ll do what I can."

He glanced up at her, and then slid out of his chair, on one knee before her. Hermione felt something pressing on her ribcage, and realised that she was holding her breath. Oh, God, he was asking her. It was really happening. She�d never thought it was so exciting; the actresses just made it look romantic, not nearly so breathtaking.

"I love you, Hermione Eleanor Granger," said Severus, looking straight into her eyes. "Will you marry me?"

Hermione felt like she looked very stupid with the grin that spread onto her face at that point. "Of course I will, silly," she said, and stood up, pulling him up with her. Severus had the wildest smile on his face, one that Hermione had never imagined he could manage. He really should smile like that more often.

Severus removed a small, black velvet box from his pocket. He opened it, taking out the glittering platinum ring, with its humble diamond, and sliding it onto her finger. Then, they shared an exceptionally happy kiss, and Hermione forgot for a minute that she was an unattractive balloon, because he made her feel so beautiful.

"Hermione Snape," Hermione said after. "Sounds all right to me."

"Better than Severus Granger," said Snape, eyes laughing. He was so handsome, Hermione decided then, though on the outside she was playfully swatting his arm and giving him a Look.

"Insult my surname, will you, sir?" she said, raising her eyebrows.

"I never!" exclaimed Severus.

"Did too," said Hermione, grinning. "I think a game of chess is in order, to settle this dispute. Winner gets to put a pie the loser�s face. Don�t you agree?"

"I�ll win," said Severus nonchalantly.

"No, my love," Hermione said, shaking her head as they went to the study and to the playing field. "I will win."

And, strangely, she turned out to be right. She did win.

FINIS

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