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| How I Feel | ||||||||||||
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11/22/04 | |||||||||||
| If there was a way to make it all come back I wouldn't even need to think; I would stop and turn around, I would lose it all just to get it back. There is no one who can say they have ever gone through this before. I understand it so well but you all say it is just a phase that will pass, you will never see me the same again. I lost part of myself, I lost part of everything I have ever worked for, and you say I will get through it, but I won't I will never, never, never be the fucking same again. Its no ones fault yet it is everyones. This is not the way I intented it to be, but that is what we allways say in this type of situation. I may feel good again but I will not be the same. We can't fix this but I can get better, better so you can all knock my down again. This has opened my eyes that will slowly shut again, and someday I may even look back and say I was being dumb. This is how it is for real, this is what I really am without the influence; The influence of everyone I have ever known. One way or another I have changed for you all so I would be acceptable. I am not good enough for any of you, that is why I changed in the hope I would be the same but I'm not. I don't deserve anything anyone gives me and I know this now. As everything infects me like a virus and brings me back to that thing you call tad, I will remember. You will all see me and talk to me but the part of me that is writing this will be dead and wont respond until that day when once again you will tear me to shreds. I hope we will make it to those moments again. Those moments when time dident seem real, when we felt like nothing could stop us. I took it all for granted and that is what this is all about, the lack of effort to make you all fall in love with me. I have never and will never be happy for more than a little while, there is allways something in my way to fuck everthing up. Time is usely this thing, we are all lost souls falling through the spirals of time that will grab onto you like a leech, a leech that does not let go until it has sucked everything out of us. Time is the created and destroyer of everthing; It brings us into this world than pulls us out. Time allways makes us chose, because the sad truth is time is running out for all of us. We must think about every part of our lives and make the best choice, and only time will tell if we made the right choice. As time seems to slow down and time is out of our heads, and all we think about is that moment, that is when we are truly alive. When you cant wait for that very moment your in and tommarow holds the same elations you are truly alive. I wait for that moment when once again time will leave me alone to finnaly live |
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