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So You Want to Be a Wizard?
Oh, your still here. Well alright then, I guess you must be here for the Introduction to Wizardry Seminar. Take a seat anywhere, you're the first one here. No not there, Senior Wrangler is teaching Advanced Thaumic Resonance in that seat. NO, not there either. No, for the love of gods, don't sit there! We're still finding bits of the last student who sat there. And he was doing so well too. Just take this chair here. Oops, I forgot that chair is only here on Thursdays. Don't worry, it should only leave a small bruise. Oh well, you might just as well stand.
I can tell by the fact that you've actually come to class that your new here at the Unseen University. As such, let me lay the ground rules for performing the necessary duties of a wizard.
Rule 1: Never use magic
Rule 2: If you ever do need to use magic see Rule 1
Now that that's out of the way, let's begin your apprenticeship. In the old days, this would be the point where we would bring in the dragon, Seven League Boots, seventy-three diabolical djinns from Uberwald and four small brown eggs. However, the chicken was caught in a tragic accident involving a suspicious sausage. So instead we will just have to make do with a different set of tasks.
Bring me the heart of the rabid unicorn living at the top of a glass mountain and that should cover your initiation.
What do you mean there are no glass mountains around where you live? Well, students these days! In my day we would have made our own glass mountain and bred our own rabid unicorn. Fine then, be that way. Well then take a look at this, it holds the secret to the universe.
What do you mean you can't see it? It's sitting here on the palm of my hand. See, right here, look at the way it sparkles. Now don't give me funny looks, it's as plain as the nose on your face if you just look at it right. Look, cross your eyes and squint your left one until it's almost closed. Good, now hum the song about the drunken hedgehog while counting backwards from one hundred. Now do you see it? No? Oh, well, you didn't tell me you needed the basic Wizarding class. In that case we will start from step one.
The reason you can't see what's in my hand is because it is purely magical and as such is the color octarine. You've never heard of the color octarine? Of course you haven't, only wizards know about this color because only wizards can see this color. As everyone knows, in the back of our eyes are cones and rods that percieve colors, which is all well and good for seeing normal colors. Well, wizards have cones, rods, and octagons. This is why we can see the color octarine. However, don't be discouraged, because you too can see the color octarine if you complete a special quest.