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In all seriousness, there are an abundance of reasons that Marlena deserves to be in the spotlight for not only this past month, but for all of her time on the show. Without a doubt, Deidre Hall is the most talented and accomplished actress on the show. Give her a poignant scene, she'll cry on command. Give her a scene with her children, and you'll wish she was YOUR mom. Give her some yellow contact lenses, she'll scare the bejesus out of you with her Satan impression. And give her a man? She'll probably marry him.
As a psychiatrist, Marlena is the cream of the crop. At least she was until she developed amnesia and forgot all of her decades of training (bummer). Gentle and welcoming, she has the kind of bedside manner that you should expect from a shrink. I think her practice suffers a little bit for a couple of reasons. First of all, she's related to basically everyone in Salem. Pair that with the fact that most of her acquaintances are in NEED of counseling, and you get a lot of "free sessions". Secondly she hasn't had any time to work since the beginning of the Salem Stalker/Gilligan's Island fiasco. Man, she must have a good unemployment package to afford the rent in her penthouse.
The past couple of weeks have really put things into a new perspective for me. I was never a huge fan of "Doc" and the Eyebrow (John) as a couple, until of course I was subjected to 8 weeks of creep-tacular Dr. North. He needs to put his mind-controlling porno music CD and Diamonelle hypnotizing device away. For good. I'm all for John and Marlena reuniting now. They can even have one of those scrunchy, way-too-close-up kissing scenes, sloppy as they may be. Anything to end the pain of looking at North's "face o' lines". (How many pillows did he sleep on?!)
Things we adore about the lovely Marlena?
1) She looks darn good for such a multiparous woman! 6 deliveries and a figure like that? TrimSpa baby!
2) I love the little serene look she gets on her face from time to time. Makes me wanna fall asleep. Or have some of the drug SHE's having.
3) She getting wise to that creepy Dr. North, talking back to him even! She needs to revert back into Satan...just for a little bit. That would send him packing now, wouldn't it? Either that or he'd be turned on. (Shudder)
4) She's one of the only people that can tolerate bumbling Police Commander Roman Bwady. Nice lady...but "what da HELL" is she thinking?
I'm sure things will work out for Marlena in the next little while. After all, she's had about 52 lifetimes full of crap to deal with thus far. John and Marlena will be back to sloppy kissing scenes and everything will be right with the world once more.
So this week, Nicole wasn't in NEARLY enough scenes, but she made up for it in hilarious drunken stupor (a quality that we should ALL possess). The sheer look of horror on her face when she heard Victor's voice was very convincing. Man, she knew she was going to be eating Spam for a long time when that happened. The scene in the pub was also entertaining, pounding the Bloody Marys at 10:00 am and belittling Caroline about Victor and other nonsense. And then came her scene with Kate. Oh, the many french fries she stuffed in her mouth during THAT shoot day. I hope she has a fast metabolism. And the "rolled up wad of bills in the cleavage" move? So Peggy Bundy! We loved it.
Reasons we think Nicole is fabulous?
1) She has possibly the greatest, most interesting wardrobe in all of Salem. None of this 25 foot string of pearls shit (really Kate?), just hip and expensive looking frocks for ALL occasions..even climbing fire escapes! (metallic Jimmy Choo's, anyone?)
2) I have a lot of money riding on the fact that she could drink a 340-pound man under the table. Man, can that girl hold her liquor or what? And it's not always cosmos either...she carries a fucking FLASK with her wherever she goes! To some people that probably spells "alcoholic", but to me it just spells "entertainment".
3) Her chemistry with Sami is pure gold. They only give those two about 3 scenes a year together, but they are so worth it. Sami bring the "naughtiest" Nikki out, and it's especially memorable when there is booze involved. Or a fire escape. Preferably both.
4) She's just so darn pretty. With the nice eyes and long legs and gleaming hair. Jeez, and I'm a GIRL! I wonder what the guys must think of her? (NILF?)
Nicole won this week, people. All characters who want to earn the prestigious Character Of the Week take this advice: get a little drunk, do a little dance...and basically get down tonight.
Hope has always been a little stubborn (and I use the term “little” loosely) and frankly, back in Ye Old Salem, it was beginning to annoy me. “No, I won’t stay here and look after my little son…I wanna fight crime”. “No, Bo…you do NOT have permission to go looking for Billie. There’s too much history there.” “I said NO onions on my pastrami….make it again!” But never has her bull-headedness come in handier than smack dab in the middle of the Caribbean! Suddenly she’s taking off in planes with strange (yet ruggedly sexy) men, practising her right hook on Dimera henchmen, and performing some new mouth-to-mouth technique that works AFTER the person has been pronounced dead! Is there anything this woman can’t (or won’t) do?
For me, the highlight of the week came when our precious little Hope’s adrenaline kicked in to high gear and she snatched Tony’s “Suitcase O’ World Domination” right out from under him! Talk about ballsy! She turns the tables on Tony while the majority of the male captives just stand there, a thin line of drool connecting their top and bottom lips. Jesus, people! If Hope hadn’t come on this little mission, you’d probably all be dead by now! (for the second time)
Although her trachea is a little scary (in case you hadn’t noticed, it’s abnormally large), here are some things we love about Hope Williams Brady:
1) She’s quite an attractive woman…for someone with a large trachea.
2) Likewise, she’s got an attractive husband…who coincidentally is also “stubborn like mule”.
3) She has a BOAT named after her. She is therefore the luckiest woman in the world.
4) The chemistry between her and Patrick (who also happens to be attractive) was really fun to watch! Hey, how come SHE is surrounded with choice cuts of meat? What about the rest of us?
5) She’s a cop…but she’s not “butch”, like some lady cops (and I use the term “lady” loosely.)
6) She gets to have an alternate identity. And lo and behold…turns out she’s a freakin’ PRINCESS! MY alter ego would probably end up being the Play-Doh scented lady who serves me my Café Mocha. Mmmmm….Play-Doh.
With any luck, Hope will be able to save everyone, get them back to Salem and perhaps get a glimpse of Zack and Shawn, before they start elementary school and knock up Jan Spears, respectively. Make mommy proud, boys!
Ah, John. Father John, to some. Also affectionately known as “Stefano’s Pawn”…although many fear saying this to his face in fear of the ass-whopping that will likely ensue. So John in a nutshell: was Stefano’s Pawn, was apparently ordained a priest, memory was erased, had oodles of lady friends, had lots of noisy sex, cheated death 2,365 times (give or take), thought he was Roman Brady, took over life of Roman Brady (wife and children included…it was somewhat of a package deal), real Roman Brady came back from the “dead”, Pawn/Priest/womanizer realized that he was just plain ol’ John Black…but decided to keep Roman’s wife as kind of a consolation prize.
Okay, so last week on the show, there were MANY interesting “John moments”. I was enjoying the take charge attitude while they were all held prisoner in the compound. See, John has a nice balance: he’s not as stubborn and “boorish” as Bo, yet he’s not a flailing idiot like Roman. It’s like, the pH balance of his character is perfect! Much like water. Calm and serene. Then it gets cold and turns into little pieces of hail! And man, do those little suckers hurt! I was loving the chemistry between John and son Brady, when they went to save the others. Actually, with the hairspray trick, Brady was more like “MacGyver”. But he loses points for using aerosol hairspray, which likely just made the hole in the ozone over New Salem even bigger.
John Black is cool for numerous reasons. Here are some reasons, listed in a numbered sequence for your numerical viewing pleasure.
1) The name John Black is absurdly plain, yet his mysteriousness gives it panache!!
2) I like his voice. It’s gravely, like he had a larynx injury or something. Probably from saying too many “Our Father”s during his time as Father John.
3) He’s pretty solid for an older guy. I think he’s 51 or something now, and still looks like he’s…well… 48 or 49. Not too shabby!
4) He’s got the best catch phrases….and “that’s a fact!” Ha!!
5) He’s escaped from death many, many times. That man must have 58 horseshoes stuck up his ass. And that gets my respect any day! (cause that’s a LOTTA horseshoes! Ouch)
6) You go John! Kiss Marlena like she was your last meal! Devour her face!
So, I like John. He’s so animated…sometimes I think he should be on Broadway, or cheesy horror films. But I’m glad he’s on DOOL. Oh, did I say DOOL?? I meant DROOL! (anyone have a napkin?)
Now, Bo's a solid character. He's been the same guy for 20 years, and he doesn't compromise his attitude to "play" with other characters. He's the Police Dog of the Century, and we love it! He's a ferocious crime fighter, a committed husband, and he can grow facial hair like no one's business!
You know how it seems like no one in Salem is ever at their jobs, working?? Well, this week, Bo was doing enough work for everyone in the Tri-State area. Talk about eye strain! This fella sat at his computer for hours on end, searching for any possible clue as to what the HELL is going on in this frigged up town. And whilst Bo is deciphering cryptic messages from the undead, everyone else in Salem (and New Salem) is engaged in heavy makeout sessions. And I mean EVERYONE (hel-lo! Even Philip got some action, for Pete's sake!).
I especially LOVED the part where Bo realized where he had heard the code before. You could almost SEE the light bulb turn on over his head! And then none of the other fornicators in Salem will believe anything he says. Um…he's the Police Commander. Perhaps you should take your tongues from each other's mouths and listen to what he's saying for a minute. The tension in all of Bo's scenes this week was just tremendous. Poor Peter Reckell…he doesn't EVER get to smile anymore!
Other things we adore about Bo Brady:
1) His rebellious streak that carried on into his 40's! Go Bo! Don't give away that leather jacket. It's going to the Smithsonian.
2) The way he calls Alice "Mrs. H". Awwwww, how….original.
3) Everyone wishes they had a man that would name a frigging BOAT after them.
4) He is related to pretty much EVERY person in Salem. (see below)
5) For an older guy, he's pretty slick.
So Bo….keep persevering. Don't give up. Keep chanting "Fancyface…where are you?", and success will be yours. Always shave with the grain, not away from. You get a smoother shave that way. And never trouble trouble, till trouble troubles YOU.
We here at the "Eyebrow" understand that Patrick has only been in our lives for a mere six months, but alas, he receives the honour of Character of the week nonetheless. So deal with it.
Patrick arrived in Salem in February 2004, behind Jennifer's car. She was so caught up in a fantasy about Indiana Jack (then just Dead Reporter Jack), that she failed to check behind her for small children and strange men. Lo and behold, the latter was directly in her blind spot, and consequently, Jennifer slammed into the man with her expensive silver car. Thankfully though, Lexie (aka the Only Doctor in Salem), just happened to be walking by at the same time. They got this strange man to the hospital, with only a minor back injury to worry about. It is at this time that the viewers realize "oh oh…this guy looks/sounds/smells like trouble. Surely to goodness Ace Reporter Jenn will seem suspicious of him and cut all ties to this guy." But Jennifer's "Stupid Blonde Horton" side outweighs her "Smart reporter" side, and she lets total stranger Patrick MOVE IN with her. And her 13 year old daughter. Smooth Move.
After Patrick demonstrates to the viewers that he is indeed your typical bad guy (by guilting Jenn into paying for his hospital bills, snooping through her things, and feigning a much worse back injury than he actually had), things begin to take another path. Turns out, Patrick is a big ol' softie with a heart of pure titanium. He begins to disobey his orders to kill/maime Jennifer, and protects her from all of the chaos that he has bestowed upon her. If I were a person who hired guys and ordered hits on people, I certainly would make sure that they were actually able to carry out my evil plans. Sheesh.
So, "Bad-turned-good" Patrick is character of the week for many reasons, but naming all of them would take too long. Let's just outline the basics.
1) He is cool and mysterious with that Pirate dubloon that does crazy things. It saves lives, it severs force fields, and it gets you free parking at any Six Flags!
2) He has incredible stamina! He hung on to a cliff with one hand for 2 and a half episodes, holding on to Jenn and her baby with the other hand! Even with his arm all mangled up, and Jenn writhing around with contractions, he was able to hold on and save the day. We think his stamina would come in handy in the bedroom as well. But clean up that arm first, please.
3) He is hot. By hot, I mean good looking (smoking, gorgeous, drool-worthy), and he looks nice without a shirt. Especially in the jungle, when he and Jennifer are playing Pirate Midwife and making out.
Yay for Patrick. I don't know why Roman wants to give him such a hard time. I think that Roman is jealous and secretly wants to be a Pirate as well. Sorry Roman, there's only a spot in our hearts for one Pirate, and Patrick has stolen it. I mean swashbuckled it. I don't understand pirates.
We here at the Eyebrow have elected the one and only Lucas Roberts as Character of the week! Come to think about it, Lucas is one of the only characters that has grown up throughout his run on the show (and this includes all of the Salem ADULTS!) Anyone remember the "OLD" Lucas???….aka Ritchie Rich? He was the kid that you loved to hate. He was whiny, manipulative and SPOILED beyond belief. But experiencing trauma after trauma (as everyone in Salem does) must change one's perspective a tad. Cause look at Mr. Roberts now!! Someone's been doing Tae Bo with Billy Blanks, as I could plausibly wash my delicates on his washboard stomach. Lucas is a nice dresser, a gentleman, and a pretty darn good father to Will, too. Oh, and he's ridiculously wealthy too. But isn't everyone in Salem?
Lucas is character of the week for several reasons. First of all, he looks good without a shirt…which we can't say about ALL of Salem's residents (uh, hello Roman? "Doc" doesn't wanna play Nude Cops and Robbers.) He's pretty hot, although we have noticed that he rather resembles a bird in the mouth area. Perhaps someone should make him disrobe completely to draw attention ELSEWHERE. Ahem. Secondly, the Proposal!! (swoon) Not the first crappy one with all the arguing….the long speech-type one about how he and Sami have matured, and how they love their son and each other, and how they have helped each other throughout the years. And if that wasn't enough, he sang "When A Man Loves A Woman" to Sami, in front of their friends and family…and various waiters and bartenders as well. And although it was very sweet, poor Lucas definitely should not quit his day job….whatever that is.
We also admire Lucas because of his loyalty and perseverance when it comes to Sami. Endearingly difficult, Sami Brady hasn't had the greatest luck in the love department. She's hurt (and been hurt) many times, and tends to push people away…especially those who are closest to her. But Super-Bird-Man Lucas just won't give up. In a way, he's sort of like Bob Barker: he refuses to die! Kudos to Lucas for sticking it out through thick and thin (and the throwing of glass vases and other assorted home décor items).
We salute you, Lucas Roberts….and if you'd let us, we'd cover you with whipped cream and wipe it off with crisp hundred dolla bills!! Now THAT would be entertaining television!