Find Me 1/21/03

I need me
to find me
In my own time
and space
I feel
like I'm stuck
In something
I can't leave
I'm losing
My own breath
In the middle
of this crowd
It's my turn
to take a break
And find
a place I belong

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Win Or Lose 11/25/02

you'll have to choose
do you win or lose?
it's up to you
all the crying that i'll do
maybe you'll be fine
i'll lose what's mine
a heart to break
a lesson to take
it's up to you what happens to me
or do you not see?
the shadows around
is there any sound?
i cant believe what you said
it hit me like a ton of lead
now i cry
i don't even try.
why move on and care?
is tis even fair?
just push me away
and not care what i say
fine, so be it.
and don't give a shit
i'll move on and you'll be gone
you lost my heart
and i know it's torn apart.
i'll never forget
but i do regret
i wish i never let you know me
cos you see
you used it against me
now just let me be.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

De Ja Vu 12/17/02

Eyes of fire
Tears that boil
Burn as they run
down my cheeks like acid

Farther I sink
into this unhappiness
The thoughts remain
Nothing but pain inside

Do I seem to be depressed?
Maybe you don't see
That it's just sadness
Cos I change now and then

I somethimes have happy moments
but at the end of the day
I return
To my sad state

Because I can't get past it
It's like I finally
beat this evil,
I'm pulled into a new one.

That's just like the other one
no different
It's just repeating
like de ja vu.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Will I Ever Be Happy? 12/9/02

Will I ever be happy?
When do the tears stop?
Why do thing have to be this way?
Why can't I be happy?
All I know is sadness
And pain
And crying
And hurting
My pain finally shows outside
And I'm trying to hide
My insignificant life
It's just a waste of time
I'm so stressed
And I can't find my grip in life
Why does this happen?
Don't show it. Hide...
My pain is nothing
I'm perfectly fine
I'm fine.
I have my mask
Hide away.
Hide my demons
Mide my problems
I HAVE to be happy.
You see, I do have a need
And when people hurt me
I really do feel it
Cos I do have feelings
My year is all wrong
My memories will only be pain
Somethings I can't change
And one of themis me.
I'll have to be fine with it
Cos it's how I have to live...
Alnoe...in pain...in tears...
With constant hurting.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

pity 11/14/02

Non-stop tears
burn in my eyes
I've become pity
Why do I deal with people?

I feel like they don't understand
Do they really not?
I'm not an open book
Why should I be?

When I tell people
How I feel
They only judge me
So why should I tell?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

My Heart is gone 11/13/02

My mind melts when you look at me
I turn to jello when I think about you
I never felt this way before
Your smile lights up my life - it glows for all to see

I guess I just have to miss it all now
Because the affect is gone
When I see you, I don't know why I felt that way
I guess I'm over you...Or what does that mean?
Maybe I just need you near again
So the feelings can return

I miss my heart
I know it's still with you
but I don't know how it feels
My rememberance of you is slowly fading

I don't know why you ignore me
I wish you'd tell me why?
Cos the silence is killing me
And it's a battle I can't win

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Life 11/28/02

Tossing and turning
Can't sleep
No ideas run through this head
My thoughts bleed together
Sleep is unheard of to this body
It's not even right to blink
The air is thick
It destroys my mind
Life...
Does it really have a meaning?
Where do we go when we die?
Does everything just end?
To be thankful...
I can't do it.
I have nothing and no one
to thank
I'm getting through life the best I can
All on my own
I don't need help.
I can fall on my own

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Hurt Me 11/19/02

You continue to hurt me
And you don't see
Feelings are still inside this body
But the wounds go deep
You don't notice me
I'm like a ghost
You hurt me more
With each step you take
You stole my breath
I lose all things I belive as real
Why do you torture me like this?
It hurts me so much
I guess you have no feelings
You must not care
You like the games you play
And that's all you'll ever have
Cos I'm not gonna always care
And I'll move in
I'll be happy
And you'll be alone.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Battlefield 11/7/02

Here I go again
circles of confusion
How do I feel?
I'm lost in my heart
I can feel it playing games
Tossed between people
I can't explain it to you
I'm stumbling in the confusion
I don't know what to say
I don't know what to do
My heart is a battlefield
I lost the home front
My victory is shattered
My loss is too close
One look from you
sends me the white flag
I know in the end you'll win
and I'll be torn again

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"piper's"Journal 11/3/02

My life ain't what it seems
It's not happy and chipper
I live in a world that is blackened
Monsters and demons
tear me a part
open wounds of blood and words
all over my body and mind
A tortured soul
and gloomy spirit
I'm tired of life
Lazy to change it
more like shy
but i can't change
I'm runned over
Torn a part
I fade away
fingers destroyed
hands full of blood
arms of cuts
tears of sorrow
razors that melt my skin
a scar will remind me of the state i'm in
can't hide it nowthe pains on the outside
the blood of open wounds stain my shirt
my life's too gone
and i can't change it
don't wanna face another day
but i know i will
i'm strong enough to carry on
I won't go weak
I won't end my fight
I clean my wounds
in time i'll be fine
the cuts will fade
scars of stupidity will stay
my mind will heal
but remember for always

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Empty And Alone 11/17+18/02

Life loses all meaning when your heart gets broken
The trust in others dissappears
The belief in love is gone
You feel empty and alone in a world of pain
You have nowhere to turn
No one knows what it's like
You know people have changed
And Relations are gone
Your current state is numb
You loe all feeling
All reason to go on
I'm so numb
I live in a world of heartache
No one knows what I feel
My heart is blackened
I wish this wasn't real

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Real

My world is too real sometimes
Hate. Anger. Destruction.
Broken hearts and foolish love
I'm pulled in all directions
left right up down
North south west east
My direction gets lost
In my blindfolded mind
I don't believe the things I'm told
You don't really wanna go out with me
I'm just told so os you like games
Well, you tagged me, I'm it
You're going down and I'll win
The ball is mine, I'm gonna score
The leash is gone, I'm free from what you do

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Shadow 11/25/02

Mirrors all around me
Reflection is all I see
I can't find my sanity
Will The monster let me be?

I look at the image in front of my face
It's happy, it must be my saving grace
But there's a darken shadow behind
That must be what blackens my mind

The shadow shows itself
How could it be? It is myself!
I start run, I kick and scream
Can't find my way out. Is this a dream?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Every Breath 11/26/02

A pure soul
A clean, unbroken heart
A loveless body was what I had
With every breath
The heart was captured
The skies opene up
And heaven showed itself
With every breath
I was a fool
It was so simple
yet stupid
With every breath
I decided to go with my heart
But I guess it was wrong
It never knew
With every breath
The air I used to breathe
Clean, clear, pure
Now I breathe fire, smoke and pain
With every breath
See, with one breath
You took me by surprise
Swept me off my feet
But yo had a plan
Break a heart
Make me fall
Play me a fool
With every breath
Every breath
You gave me was wrong
It had to be
Cos all I feel is empty

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Something Better 10/28/02

I feel like a rubber band
I'm ready to snap
I want to get away
and not have to deal with this crap
My friends put me in the middle
Tug me back and forth
I hate the middle
When will it be my turn to push?
People disrespect me
I feel misunderstood
but they don't care to listen
I'm tired of this shit
I don't belong
I hate to laugh
I hate to cry
I don't want to deal anymore
I want to leave
I just want to disappear
I don't like it here
I deserve to be happy
I deserve something better
I need a new life
Little things tear me apart
And people ALWAYS break my heart
I want to be free from pain and heartache
And being in the middle
Being treated like a toy a dog tears apart
Like a rubber band
like a tug-of-war event.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

When You Cry 11/30/02

Dry your eyes
Wipe tears away
But still
You're beautiful to look at when you cry
Let go of all the pain
And let the worries go too
Find some happiness
when you cry
There's no need to fear
All will come your way
And still you're so beautiful
When you cry
Follow the salt lines
As they slide down your face
Find The taers on your bed
When you cry
Feel the dampness
How they used to be so warm
Now they're just frozen
After you cry
The tears will dry
While the salt still satays
And that's all that matters
While you cry
When I kiss your cheek
I can taste the salt
I can feel the warmth
From the long gone tears
I can feel your sorrow
Even when you're far away
Because I can hear you
When you cry
Don't you see, the tears are mine
Tears of happiness cos I'm away from you
And I know I'm beautiful
When I cry
Things have changed
All for the good
I'm finally happy.
I wish I could say the same about you.

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