The Real Me 9/27/02

I don't know where I'm heading
I don't know my direction
I'm just stuck spinning in circles
I need to step out of this vortex
that is moving me into a black hole
My life is going by so fast
I lost myself years ago
I need to fix my life
before I fix yours
I need to find myself before I can fix it
I don't want reality anymore
I need to worry about myself for a moment
I need to get my heart to heal,
my mind to mend, my body to break,
my soul to cry.
I never really cared for myself
and it's killing me inside
I don't want to smile no more
I want to be free
I want my own decisions
I haven't slept or eaten
I'm running on fumes
My problems aren't as petty as I make them seem
I'm tearing myself a part inside...
so many things bottled up
I need time to get myself together

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Cry on 11/25/02

the pain inside this body
i can't take it anymore
in your eyes, you're telling me
to cry on

why do you tell me those things?
i thought you wanted me
or am i just day dreaming?
i'll just cry on

tonight it's cold and rainy
it's like nature is showing my pain
i hide during the day but at night
i cry on

i'm alone in a world now
that doesn't understand
don't you see my tears?
i just cry on

my mind has been tortured
by the things your look say
do you want me
or do i just cry on?

day and night, i wonder why?
why the games?
must i see you again?
you'll just make me cry on

my eyes burn, my face is red
still i hide by
being happy around you, but in my heart
i cry on

you look at me
do you wish you
could take back what you did?
you made me cry on

don't lie
i see that smile
cos of the pain you've caused
i'll cry on

my pillow won't stay dry
my stereo is loud to hide my pain
and still
i cry on

maybe i'll get over this
i don't know
but for now, i'll just
cry on

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Grey 9/26/02

sometimes i hurt
it's hard to tell why
i become something weird
it's something i don't understand
i feel different inside
the sky goes grey
my feelings change
i turn numb
my body turns to jello
i get so shakey
my tongue gets tied
i don't understand why
my hands get sweaty
and my head goes dizzy
i don't think you know
that even tho' i see you
and i get these feelings
you make me hurt inside
you make me confused
you tell me one thing
but you don't really mean it
you just ignore me
and try to lead me on
you make me feel horrible
when you do this to me
why do you act like this?
do you like to play mind games?

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Still On My Brain 11/28/02

My heart is like an open sore
Instead of letting it heal
It gets scratched open
Everytime I see you

The pain ie too much for me
It stings so much
And I feel hallow and
Empty inside

It's like I lost
Something so big inside
And now
I'm sinking like a rock in water

My head is a mess
So many questions
It's like a bomb went off
And no on came to help the victim

The cobwebs
Of memories
Why won't they go away?
Maybe I don't want them to

Depression is sinking in
Maybe because I won't let you fade
In my mind it just gets worse
Cos I know it won't end

The looping cycle
Why won't you leave?
Get out of my mind
Before I go insane

I know love is fooling
Feelings are confused in me
Cos right now I should hate you
But, my forgiveness will let you get away.

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Scribble 12/1/02

The fire is still inside
It's turned to ambers
Just a little glow
Better hurry before they turn to ash

See, believe it or not
I still want to try
Just talk to me
Maybe I won't ignore you.

I hate the staring
It's like I'm invisible
And you're looking through me
Or is that how it is?

Cos if you're not liking me,
I'll get the point and move on.
This whole book - each page
is for you.

More than half the words
Continue to hurt me
Because I know
They'll be true soon.

This is all off my head
I didn't need music
of past thoughts to give me this
And I know you'll never see it.

And I understand
All you're playing
Is a game with me.
So forgive me.

Forgive me for ever
Liking you
Forgive me for the
Thoughts you made me think.

Forgive me for
wasting my breath,
my time,
and wasting my lips on you.

Forgive me
Cos I let you see my heart
And now it's hurt
Because I believed we could happen.

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Scribble Two 12/3/02

It's over
I just know it.
It's something I can feel
And I know.
It pains me
Cos I know
we're no longer "us"
The way I used to feel
The way I fell
There's no knowing
Of how this will end
It hurts
When I think about it
When I think of how
It had to end
This Bullshit
It's in your EYES
And I feel it inside my heart
And yet, no one will care
They all think our time
Together was fake
Something only friends do
But it was farther
You know it
But won't say it's true.

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Scribble Three 12/4/02

don't you see the pain in these eyes?
the amount of tears
salt just pours
out of these tired, soe eyes
don't you care that
you broke this heart?
you don't see
That you hurt me
even through all this pain,
I still have feelings
There's no way
of letting feelings go.
if you don't like me
just continue to ignore me
don't worry,
I'll get the point.

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Tears 12/2/02

I can't stand it no more
How can you look at her?
It should be me
You just think otherwise
I wish I could talk to you
But you act like I don't exist
I wish I was the one you say hello to
But you think it's over
I try to hide my pain
But you're all I think about
I wish things were different
But I know they're not
I'm full of pain
My head is numb
Why do I lie to myself?
Why do you igore me?
I was new to this game
You tauht me different
Now it's all I know
You made me look a fool
I just let your lies linger
Screw you for making me feel bad,
For making me cry...
For making me write this.

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Fool 11/28/02

You had a plan
You lied to me all along
What's so great about hurting?
I didn't need the help

I tripped
And you were my high
Now
I fall on my own.
What a fool I was
I didn't see
The clues were right there
So close I could touch them.

My friends had to open my eyes
Some, had to hurt me to make me see
I even asked you
You just lied
It's been two months
Without a word from you
But that's fine
Because, hopefully I'll move on

If I don't
Then I'm just a bigger fool
Cos I know
You'll never do me right.

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