That's right. Today I heard reports-most likely around the lunch table-that we may be getting a worse ice storm than what we already had last week.
But I don't want to predict the weather, as by the time you get my forecast, the time will already have come and gone, and chances are I'll then look like a dork.
So my main focus of this column will be of past weather-last week to be exact. Last week was really cold.
Sorry, please allow me to expand. But first, here's a little ice breaker (ha ha)....
With all the slippery roads, there is no doubt in my mind that there were quite a few accidents. In any auto-mishap, it is always a good idea to file an insurance claim statement.
Here are a few that are true, but hard to believe, shared by the most likely person to have them: my world history teacher, Mr. Holmes.
n Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
n I collided with a stationary car going the other way.
n I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep and had an accident.
n I was on my way to the mechanic shop with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
n To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front of me, I struck the pedestrian.
n My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
n An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
n I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
n The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
n The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end of my car.
OK, back to what I was talking about earlier....
The worst of the weather, in my opinion, started Tuesday. It was our second day back from Christmas break, and I was ready for another one.
Finally, the long-awaited announcement came over the intercom system: "Mr. Clark, you have a phone call on Line 2."
It was later announced that school would be dismissed at 12:30.
The rest of my Tuesday was very unproductive. It was mostly spent staring blankly at the computer screen and eating. I'll spare you the details.
By the way, school was canceled for Wednesday, which was much more exciting.
I woke up at around 6:30 in my room in the basement, which is more like a cave (my room is the only "finished" room). I rolled over to see what time it was, but my clock wasn't on. So I tried to turn on my reading light. That wasn't working either.
Holy cow, I thought, the whole world has run out of electricity!
Thankfully, the ice that had been coming down the day before (and continued overnight) had frozen all the little hamsters at Westar Energy, causing them to stop running on their little wheels, thus cutting off the flow of electricity.
This is where my room-in-the-basement comes in: I could see nothing.
I'm not altogether sure that when I got out of my bed, that I wasn't standing on my head. I was incredibly disoriented. I managed to find my glasses-which didn't help at all, those silly things-and began walking random directions, looking for my flashlight.
Unfortunately, I had used it recently to fend off my cat from clawing on my new Jumbo Ty Beanie Buddy monkey (which is taller and heavier than my little brother), and must have randomly put it down somewhere so I could take my cat upstairs.
After walking a while, I still wasn't sure where I was, so I started in a different direction, flailing my hands out so if I walked within a couple feet of something, I would find it.
To my horror, I was suddenly clutching a huge, fuzzy hand. Thankfully, it turned out to be my new monkey.
I did manage to find my flashlight after about five minutes of searching. I clicked it on, and managed to find my way out.
The rest of the day was spent staring blankly into the fireplace, and eating the hotdogs we roasted in it.
We also fired up (no pun intended) our gas-powered camping stove that we had bought at a garage sale years before and never used. I am happy to report that only the kitchen and the immediate area was declared a total loss.
* * *
UFO: Per capita, Alaskans eat twice as much ice cream as the rest of the nation. And that's snow joke!
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