MONTY PYTHON - HOLY GRAIL PART 2
[An unknown knight rides in and kills the narrator]
NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Robin.... So each of the knights went
their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing,
accompanied by his favorite minstrels.
ROBIN:
That's -- that's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads. Looks like there's
dirty work afoot.
DENNIS: Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.
WOMAN: Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom. We haven't got enough mud.
[encounter 3-headed knight]
ALL HEADS: Halt! Who art thou?
MINSTREL
(singing): He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who--
ROBIN:
Shut up! Um, n-n-nobody really, I'm j-just um, just passing through.
MINSTREL
(singing): To fight, and--
ROBIN:
Ah. W-well, actually I am a Knight of the Round Table.
ALL
HEADS: You're a Knight of the Round Table?
LEFT HEAD: In that case I shall have to kill you.
MIDDLE HEAD: Shall I?
RIGHT HEAD: Oh, I don't think so.
MIDDLE HEAD: Well, what do I think?
LEFT HEAD: I think kill him.
RIGHT HEAD: Well let's be nice to him.
MIDDLE HEAD: Oh shut up.
LEFT HEAD: Perhaps-
MIDDLE HEAD: And you.
LEFT HEAD: Oh quick get the sword out I want to
cut his head off!
RIGHT HEAD: Oh, cut your own head off!
MIDDLE
HEAD: Yes, do us all a favor!
LEFT HEAD: What?
RIGHT HEAD: Yapping on all the time.
MIDDLE
HEAD: You're lucky, you're not next to him.
LEFT
HEAD: Oh I don't -- anyway, you've got bad breath.
MIDDLE
HEAD: Well its only because you don't brush my teeth.
RIGHT
HEAD: Oh stop bitching and let's go have tea.
LEFT HEAD: All right all right all right we'll
kill him first and then have tea and biscuits.
MIDDLE HEAD: Yes.
RIGHT
HEAD: Oh, but not biscuits.
LEFT
HEAD: All right all right not biscuits, but lets kill him anyway.
RIGHT HEAD: So he has, he's scarpered.
MINSTREL (singing): Brave Sir Robin ran away
MINSTREL
(singing): Bravely ran away away
MINSTREL
(singing): When danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and
fled
MINSTREL
(singing): Yes Brave Sir Robin turned about
MINSTREL
(singing): And gallantly he chickened out Bravely taking to his feet
MINSTREL
(singing): He beat a very brave retreat
MINSTREL
(singing): Bravest of the brave Sir Robin
[Cartoon monks]
NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Galahad
[Thunder, lightning, rain and wind]
[angels singing and Galahad spots the
Grail]
[pound pound pound]
GALAHAD: Open the door! Open the door!
[pound pound pound]
In the name of King Arthur, open the door!
[squeak thump]
[Galahad falls]
ALL: Hello!
ZOOT: Welcome gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax.
GALAHAD: The Castle Anthrax?
ZOOT: Yes... oh, it's not a very good name is it? Oh! but we are nice and we shall attend
to your every, every need!
GALAHAD: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?
ZOOT: The what?
GALAHAD: The Grail -- it is here?
ZOOT: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Midget!
Crepper!
MIDGET and CREPPER: Yes, oh Zoot!
ZOOT: Prepare a bed for our guest.
MIDGET
and CREPPER: Oh thank you thank you thank you--
ZOOT:
Away away varletesses The beds here
are warm and soft, and very, very big.
GALAHAD: Well, look, I-I-uh--
ZOOT: What is your name, handsome knight?
GALAHAD: Sir Galahad... the Chaste.
ZOOT: Mine is Zoot... just Zoot.
Oh, but come!
GALAHAD: Look, please! In God's name, show me the Grail!
ZOOT: Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious!
GALAHAD: L-look, I have seen it! It is here, in the--
ZOOT: Sir Galahad! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our
hospitality.
GALAHAD: Well, I-I-uh--
ZOOT: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very
dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and
brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle
with no one to protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life -- bathing, dressing,
undressing, making exciting underwear.... We are just not used to
handsome knights. Nay, nay, come, come, you may lie here. Oh, but you are
wounded!
GALAHAD: No, no -- i-it's nothing!
ZOOT: Oh, but you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please,
lie down. [clap clap]
PIGLET:
Ah. What seems to be the trouble?
ZOOT:
Uh, they've had a basic medical training, yes.
GALAHAD: B-but--
ZOOT: Oh, come come, you must try to rest! Doctor Piglet, Doctor
Winston, practice your art.
PIGLET: Try to relax.
GALAHAD:
Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?
GALAHAD:
There's nothing wrong with that!
PIGLET:
Please -- we are doctors.
GALAHAD: Get off the bed! I am sworn to chastity!
PIGLET: Back to your bed!
GALAHAD: Torment me no longer! I have
seen the Grail!
PIGLET: There's no grail here.
GALAHAD: I have seen it, I have seen it. I have seen--
GIRLS: Hello.
GALAHAD: Oh--
VARIOUS GIRLS: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.
Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.
GALAHAD: Zoot!
DINGO: No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister,
Dingo.
GALAHAD: Oh, well, excuse me, I--
DINGO: Where are you going?
GALAHAD: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here
in this castle!
DINGO:
Oh no! Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot!
GALAHAD: What is it?
DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! ... She has been setting alight to our
beacon, which, I just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not the
first time we've had this problem.
GALAHAD: It's not the real Grail?
DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! Oh, she is a naughty
person, and she must pay the penalty -- and here in Castle Anthrax, we have but
one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon. You must tie her down on a bed and
spank her!
GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!
VARIOUS
GIRLS: And spank me. And me. And me.
DINGO: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good
spanking!
GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!
DINGO: And after the spanking, the oral sex.
GALAHAD:
Well, I could stay a BIT longer.
LAUNCELOT: Sir Galahad!
GALAHAD: Oh, hello.
LAUNCELOT: Quick!
GALAHAD: What?
LAUNCELOT: Quick!
GALAHAD: Why?
LAUNCELOT: You're in great peril!
ZOOT:No he isn't
LAUNCELOT: Silence, foul temptress!
GALAHAD: Now look, it's not important.
LAUNCELOT: Quick! Come on and we'll cover your escape!
GALAHAD: Look, I'm fine!
LAUNCELOT: Come on!
GALAHAD: Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!
DINGO: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
GIRLS: Yes! Tackle us single-handed!
LAUNCELOT: No, Sir Galahad, come on!
GALAHAD: No, really, honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot
easily!
DINGO: Oh, yes, let him handle us easily.
GIRLS: Yes, yes!
GALAHAD: Wait! I can defeat them! There's only a
hundred and fifty of them!
DINGO: Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance.
GIRLS: Yes, yes.
[boom]
DINGO: Oh, shit.
[outside]
LAUNCELOT: We were in the nick of time, you were
in great peril.
LAUNCELOT:
Yes you were, you were in terrible peril.
GALAHAD: Look, let me go back in there and face
the peril.
LAUNCELOT:
No, it's too perilous.
GALAHAD: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as
I can
LAUNCELOT: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on!
GALAHAD: Well, let me have just a little bit of
peril?
LAUNCELOT:
No, it's unhealthy.
GALAHAD: Bet you're gay!
NARRATOR: Sir Launcelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain
temptation, but they were still no nearer the Grail. Meanwhile, King Arthur and
Sir Bedevere, not more than a swallow's flight away, had discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight,
obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden swallow's flights away --
four, really, if they had a coconut on a line between them. I mean, if the
birds were walking and dragging--
CROWD: Get on with it!
NARRATOR: Oh, anyway, on to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing
scene with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue, in which
there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a starling -oolp!
OLD MAN: Ah, hee he he ha!
ARTHUR:
And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the grail?
ARTHUR: Where does he live? Old man, where does he live?
OLD MAN: He knows of a cave, a cave which no man
has entered.
ARTHUR: And the Grail... The Grail is there?
ARTHUR: But the Grail! Where is the Grail!?
OLD MAN: Seek you the Bridge of Death.
ARTHUR:
The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Grail?
[Old man disappears]
[clop clop clop clop]
[eerie music]
HEAD KNIGHT: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
ARTHUR: Who are you?
HEAD KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say... Ni!
ARTHUR: No! Not the Knights Who Say Ni!
BEDEVERE: Who are they?
HEAD KNIGHT: We are the keepers of the sacred words:
Ni, Ping, and Nuu-wom!
ARTHUR: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
HEAD KNIGHT: The Knights Who Say Ni demand a sacrifice!
ARTHUR: Knights of Ni, we are but simple
travellers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.
HEAD KNIGHT: We shall say 'nee' again to you if you
do not appease us.
ARTHUR: Well, what is it you want?
HEAD KNIGHT: We want... a shrubbery!
HEAD KNIGHT: Ni! Ni!
ARTHUR and PARTY: Oh, ow!
ARTHUR: Please, please! No more! We will find a shrubbery.
HEAD KNIGHT: You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will
never pass through this wood alive!
ARTHUR: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair,
and we will return with a shrubbery.
HEAD
KNIGHT: One that looks nice.
HEAD
KNIGHT: And not too expensive.
NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Launcelot.
FATHER: One day, lad, all this will be yours!
FATHER:
No, not the curtains, lad. All that you
can see! Stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your
kingdom, lad!
HERBERT: But, Mother--
HERBERT: But Father, I don't want any of that.
HERBERT: But I don't want any of that
-- I'd rather--
FATHER: Rather what?!
HERBERT: I'd rather... just... [music] ...sing!
FATHER: Stop that, stop that! You're not going
to do a song while I'm here. Now listen lad, in twenty minutes
you're getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open
land in Britain.
HERBERT: But I don't want land.
FATHER: Listen, Alice...
FATHER:
Herbert. .... We live in a bloody swamp. We need all
the land we can get.
HERBERT: But I don't like her.
FATHER: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her? She's beautiful,
she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.
HERBERT: I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have... a
certain... special... [music] ...something...
FATHER: Cut that out, cut that out. Look, you're marryin' Princess
Looky, so you'd better get used to the idea. [smack] Guards! Make sure the Prince
doesn't leave this room until I come and get 'im.
GUARD #1: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.
GUARD #2: Hic!
FATHER: No, no. Until I come and get 'im.
GUARD #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
FATHER: No, no, no. You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't
leave.
GUARD #1: And you'll come and get him.
GUARD #2: Hic!
FATHER: Right.
GUARD #1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him
entering the room.
FATHER: No, no. Leaving the room.
GUARD #1: Leaving the room, yes.
FATHER: All right?
GUARD #1: Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we...
FATHER: Yes, what is it?
GUARD #1: Oh, if-if, oh--
FATHER: Look, it's quite simple.
GUARD #1: Uh...
FATHER: You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the
room. All right?
GUARD #2: Hic!
FATHER: Right.
GUARD #1: Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the room with us?
FATHER: N- No no no. You just keep him in here, and make sure--
GUARD #1: Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had
to leave and we were with him--
FATHER: No, no, just keep him in here--
GUARD #1: Until you, or anyone else,--
FATHER: No, not anyone else, just me--
GUARD #1: Just you.
GUARD #2: Hic!
FATHER: Get back.
GUARD #1: Get back.
FATHER: Right?
GUARD #1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back.
FATHER: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.
GUARD #1: What?
FATHER: Make sure 'e doesn't leave.
GUARD #1: The Prince?
FATHER: Yes, make sure 'e doesn't leave.
GUARD #1: Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant him. Y'know, it
seemed a bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.
FATHER: Is that clear?
GUARD #2: Hic!
GUARD #1: Oh, quite clear, no problems.
FATHER: Right. [starts to
leave] Where are you going?
GUARD #1: We're coming with you.
FATHER: No no, I want you to stay 'ere and make sure 'e doesn't
leave.
GUARD #1: Oh, I see. Right.
HERBERT: But, Father!
FATHER: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! [music] And no singing!
FATHER:
Oh, go get a glass of water.
LAUNCELOT: Well taken, Concorde!
CONCORDE: Thank you, sir! Most kind.
LAUNCELOT: And again... Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big
one...Ooof! Come on, Concorde!
CONCORDE:
Message for you, sir.
[fwump]
LAUNCELOT: Concorde! Concorde, speak to me! "To whoever finds this note, I
have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against my will.
Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the tall tower of Swamp
Castle." At last! A call, a cry of distress! This could be the sign that
leads us to the Holy Grail! ...Brave, brave Concorde! You shall not
have died in vain!
CONCORDE:
Uh, I'm-I'm not quite dead, sir.
LAUNCELOT:
Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!
CONCORDE:
Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through, sir.
CONCORDE: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you--
LAUNCELOT: No, no, sweet Concorde! Stay here! I will send help as soon as I have
accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular... (sigh)
CONCORDE: No, I feel fine, actually, sir.
LAUNCELOT: Farewell, sweet Concorde!
CONCORDE: I'll-uh, I'll just stay here, then,
shall I, sir? Yeah.
[Launcelot charges the castle]
LAUNCELOT: Ha-ha! etc.
[Carnage and mayhem]
GUARD #1: Now, you're not allowed to come in here, and we're-ugh!
LAUNCELOT:
Uh, well, I got A note.
HERBERT:
You've come to rescue me!
LAUNCELOT:
Uh, well, no, you see--
FATHER:
Stop that, stop that, stop it! Stop it! Who are you?
LAUNCELOT:
I'm Sir Launcelot, sir.
HERBERT:
He's come to rescue me, father.
LAUNCELOT:
Well, let's not jump to conclusions.
FATHER:
Did you kill all the guards?
LAUNCELOT:
Uh..., oh, yes. Sorry.
FATHER: They cost fifty pounds each.
LAUNCELOT: Well, I'm awfully sorry, I'm -- I really can explain
everything.
HERBERT: Don't be afraid of him, Sir Launcelot, I've got a rope all
ready!
FATHER: You killed eight wedding guests in all!
LAUNCELOT:
Well, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.
FATHER:
I can understand that.
HERBERT: Hurry, Sir Launcelot! Hurry!
FATHER: Shut up! You only killed the bride's father,
that's all!
LAUNCELOT:
Well, I really didn't mean to...
FATHER:
Didn't mean to?! You put your sword right through his head!
LAUNCELOT:
Oh, dear. Is he all right?
FATHER: You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to
cost me a fortune!
LAUNCELOT: Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding
north from Camelot, when I got this note, you see--
FATHER: Camelot? Are you from, uh, Camelot?
HERBERT: Hurry, Sir Launcelot!
LAUNCELOT: Uh, I am a Knight of King Arthur, sir.
FATHER: Pretty nice castle, Camelot. Uh, pretty
good pig country....
FATHER: Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?
LAUNCELOT: Well, that's, uh, awfully nice of you.
HERBERT: I am ready!
[start to leave]
LAUNCELOT: --I mean to be, so understanding. [Father unties rope] [thonk]
HERBERT: Oooh! [splat]
LAUNCELOT: Um, I think when I'm in this idiom, I
sometimes get a bit, uh, sort of carried away.
FATHER:
Oh, don't worry about that.