DRUNK JOKES

 

THE DRUNK

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and 

staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, 

asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the 

man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he 

could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a 

cab for him. 

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs 

down from the bar stool, and staggers out the front door. A few 

minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. 

He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes 

over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the 

man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender 

for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, 

all the while grumbling and shaking his head. 

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door 

of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and 

belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and 

emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no 

drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police 

immediately. 

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish 

cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

A coversation between two drunks  

Drunk 1: Where you from?

Drunk 2: Evansville

Drunk 1: You're kiddin' me. I'm from Evansville, too!

Drunk 2: Where'd you go to school?

Drunk 1: Evansville High

Drunk 2: Unbelievable!! So did I!!

Drunk 1: What year did you graduate?

Drunk 2: 1960

Drunk 1: You're putting me on!

Drunk 2: If I'm lyin',I'm dyin'!!

Drunk 1: I graduated in 1960, too! Man, this is unreal!!

Drunk 2: Hey, what street did you live on?

Drunk 1: Maple Street.

Drunk 2: Get outta town! This is incredible. I lived on Maple Street, too.

This conversation continues back and forth with one similarity after another for some time. The bartender gets a call for Joe, who isn't there. The bartender tells the caller: "There's no one here but the O'Reilly twins and they're drunk again."

 

 

One day a drunk walked into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. He drank half of it and poured the rest on the bartender.
The bartender got angry, grabbed the drunk by the collar, pulled him close to his face, and asked,
"Why did you do that?"
The drunk said very apologetically, "I am so very sorry sir. Please forgive me. I can't help it. It's an illness I can't get rid of. I am so ashamed of it. How can I make it up to you?"
The bartender answered,
"Haven't you seen anyone about this problem?"
The drunk replied, "I never thought of that. Maybe I will."
The bartender said, "Don't come back until you do get help," and the drunk left.
About three months later the drunk came back to the same bar, ordered another gin and tonic, drank half of it, and poured the rest of it on the bartender.
The bartender shouted, "I thought I told you not to come back until you got help!"
The drunk replied, "I did. Now I don't feel ashamed."

 

 

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."

 

 

"What makes you think the prisoner was drunk?" asked the judge. "Well, Your Honor," replied the arresting officer, "I saw him lift up a manhole cover and walk away with it, and when I asked him what it was for he said, 'I want to listen to it on my record-player!'

 

A ghost came home one night and his wife said, "Are you drunk again?" He said, "No, of course, not. How dare you!" She replied, "Well, you look legless."

 

 

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..........
"You idiot!" "You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!!

 

 

A drunk was sitting at a bar when a woman stands behind him and raises her arm really high to get the bartender's attention. She had very hairy armpits.
The drunk sees this and yells at the bartender, "Get the ballerina a drink."
She gets her drink and goes away. Later she returns and raises her arm again.
The drunk sees her and yells to the bartender, "Get the ballerina another drink."
She gets her drink and goes away again. The bartender asks the drunk how he knows she is a ballerina when she was a stranger and had never been in the bar before.
The drunk replies, "She's got to be a ballerina if she can lift her leg that high."

 

 

A guy walks into a bar at the top floor of large skyscraper and asks for a strong one. He drinks up and asks for another one. After quite a lot of drinks he walks over to a table where there are two men sitting, talking and drinking. "I'll bet you guys 5000 bucks I can jump out that window and land safely on street below!"
The two men look at each other then agree to accept the bet. So the drunk walks to the window and jumps out. The two men can hardly believe their own eyes when they see him land safely on the street and again enter the building. "How'd you do it?!" they ask in amazement when he enters the bar again.
"Well, you see." the drunk replies. "There is this ventilation shaft straight below this window, and the stream of air is so strong, it slows you down enough to land safely on the grid. Why don't you try it yourselves?"
So, both the men hurry to the window and jump out, facing certain death as they hit the street at high speed.
At this point, the bartender walks up to the drunk and says: "You know what, Superman? You can be a real bastard when you're drunk!"

 

 

A policeman is walking his beat when he finds a totally drunk man collapsed against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his hands. He's moaning something about 'They took my car!'. Seeing he is quite well dressed, the cop thinks he may have a real case of theft on his hands and proceeds to question the man.
"What are your car keys doing out?"
"My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those bastards stole it! Please ossifer, get my Porsche back. My God, it was right on the end of my key! Where is it? They stole it and it was right here; right on my key!
"OK, OK, stand up, let's get some more information. (he stands the man up, and notices his penis is hanging out). Aw shit mister, your dick is hanging out, would you put that thing away!"
The man looks down, sees his prick hanging there and screams, "Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!"

 

 

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they where about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling 'SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!'

 

 

I mean really, really, really drunk.
When the bar closed he got up to go home.
As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk.
So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.
Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.
This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt.
Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.
By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move.
So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said.
"Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"

 

 

Sotally Tober

Starkle starkle little twink
Who the hell you are I think

I'm not under what you call
The alcofluence of incohol

I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep

I don't know who is me yet
But the drunker I stand here
The longer I get

Just give me one more drink
To fill me cup
'Cuz I got all day sober
To Sunday up

 

 

What! Me Drunk?

A fellow decides to take off early from work and
go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at
which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his
house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off
his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.
Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and
lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had
couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and
they broke, and the broken glass carved up his
buttocks terribly. But,he was so drunk that he didn't
know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was
undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out
in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up
something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as
best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his
rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the
covers trying to think up some good story, when
his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said.
"Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I
stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied,
"You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I
got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids
stuck to the mirror."

 

 

Flush

 

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo's through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.
What's all the screaming about in there?
You're scaring my customers!"

The drunk responds, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

The bartender opens the door and looks in.
You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!

 

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on
the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in
the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he
thinks, and rolls over.  Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?"  says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.  He
opens the door and there is man standing at the door.  It
didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger.  "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost.  It's half past three.  I was in bed," says the
man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells
his wife what happened and she says,

"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.  Remember that night we
broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up
from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's
house to get us started again?  What would have happened if
he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife.  "He needs our help and it
would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband
gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger
anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where
are you?"

And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."