Animal Jokes

 

 

An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. The next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead.

"Shit!" says the ant. "One night of passion and I will spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"

 

 

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!

 

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

 

 

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. "What are you doing in there?" she asked.

The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" to which the lady replied, "Yes."

"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."

 

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and out number them?"

 

A donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though. Even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass.

 

Why did the Chicken cross the road?
To show the Armadillo it could be done.

 

How do you tell the difference between a cow and a bull?
Milk them both. The one that smiles is the bull.

 

What does it mean when the Easter Bunny arrives one day late with melted candy?
He probably had a bad hare day.

 

How does a rabbit make gold soup?
He begins with 24 carrots.

 

What do you get when you pour boiling hot water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies.

 

Why did God make only one Yogi Bear?
Because when he tried to make a second one he made a boo-boo.

 

What's the best way to make a bull sweat?
Give him a tight jersey.

 

Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humor

 

Did you hear about the Veterinarian and the Taxidermist who combined their            business?
Their slogan: "Either way you get your pet back."

 

What happens when a bomb goes off in the middle of a herd of cows?
Udder destruction!

 

What do you get when you cross a python with a porcupine?
Ten feet of barbed wire.

 

What goes peck, peck, peck, boom?
A chicken in a mine field.

 

What goes, "99-thump, 99-thump, 99-thump"?
A centipede with a wooden leg.

 

What disease can you get from kissing birds?
Chirpes! (A canareal disease, but it's untweetable.)

 

Why does a tiger have stripes?
So he won't be spotted.

 

What do you call a cat who does tricks?
A magic kit.

 

What kind of work does a weak cat do?
Light mouse work.

 

Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens?
Because she wanted to mail a litter.

 

Which state has a lot of dogs and cats?
Petsylvania.

 

Why should you walk carefully when it's raining cats and dogs?
You might step in a poodle.

 

Which game did the cat want to play with the mouse?
Catch.

 

What do English cats drink in the afternoon?
Kit-tea.

 

Where did the kittens go on their class trip?
To a mewseum.

 

How do you call a barber cat?
Yell..."Hair Kitty!"

 

What did the man say when the steamroller ran over his cat?
Nothing. He just stood there with a long puss.

 

What did the doe say as she came running out of the brush?
"That's the LAST time I do THAT for two bucks!"

 

Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
Because they have cotton balls.

 

What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle?
Beef Strokenoff.

 

What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A cock that stays up all night.

 

What do you call a cow with and abortion?
Decalfinated.

 

What do you get when you put an experimental monkey in a blender?
Rhesus Pieces.

If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside?
K9P.

What is brown and sits in the forest?
Winnie's poo.

 

What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that runs for help after it bites your leg off.

 

What do you call three rabbits in a row, hopping backwards simultaneously?
A receding hareline.

 

What does an elephant use for a Tampon?
A sheep!

 

How many canaries can you get under a Scotsman's kilt?
Depends how long the perch is.

 

A fly sees a cute little female fly land on a pile of shit. He buzzes down and says, "Excuse me, miss, is this stool taken?"

 

How do you know if elephants have been making love in your back yard?
The trash can liner bags are missing.

 

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
You either get an onion with long floppy ears, or you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes!

 

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam."

 

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

 

Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.

 

Did you hear about the nearsighted skunk?
He tried to rape a fart.

 

Why do mice have small balls?
Not that many know how to dance.

 

What sound does a Horny Toad make?
RUB IT, RUB IT..

 

What do you call a dog with metal balls and no hind legs?
Sparky.

 

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
Every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.

 

How do you catch a polar bear?
You cut a hole in the ice.  Then you open a can of peas. Place the peas next to the whole in the ice.  When the bear comes to take a pea... you kick him in the ice hole.

 

Why do hens lay eggs?
If they dropped them, they'd break.

 

Why do seagulls live near the sea?
If they lived near the bay, they'd be bagels.

 

Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.

 

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was dead.

 

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Monkey see, monkey do.

 

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.

 

Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him!

 

Did you hear about the little Chihuahua that swallowed a Viagra pill?
He became a pointer!

 

What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the windshield?
It's ass.

 

Why are frogs so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them!

 

What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied!

 

How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg?
Unhoppy.

 

Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes?
He liked a good croak and dagger.

 

What happened to the frog's car when his parking meter expired?
It got toad!

 

What did the frog order at McDonald's?
French flies and a diet Croak.

 

What is the thirstiest frog in the world?
The one who drinks Canada Dry!

 

What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits!

 

What does a bankrupt frog say?
"Baroke, baroke, baroke."

 

What do you call little bugs that live on the moon?
Luna-ticks.

 

Why don't chickens wear underwear?
Because their peckers are on their faces.

 

Why don't blind people skydive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.  

                         

What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pit-bull.

 

What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
They're right! We do taste like chicken!

 

What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Mega-sor-ass.

 

What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.

 

What do you call two skunks doing "69"?
Odor eaters.

 

How many animals can fit in a pair of pantyhose?
10 little piggies, 2 calfs, a beaver and an ass!

 

A country dog comes to the city and seeing his first parking meter thinks, "How do you like that...PAY TOILETS!"

 

 

Two ROBINS were lying on their backs, BASKING in the sun. A mama cat and her kitten were walking by. The kitten complained, "Mama, I'm sooo hungry, what can we eat?"

To which the mama cat, spying the two robins, replied, "How about some Baskin Robbins?"

 

 

A leopard went to see an optometrist because he thought he needed an eye exam. "Every time I look at my wife," he worriedly told the optometrist, "I see spots before my eyes."

"So what's to worry about?" replied the doctor. "You're a leopard, aren't you?"

"What's that got to do with anything?" replied the patient. "My wife is a zebra."

 

 

During an auction of exotic pets, a woman who had placed a winning bid told the auctioneer, "I'm paying a fortune for that parrot. I hope he talks as well as you say he does."

"I guarantee it, madam," replied the auctioneer. "Who do you think was bidding against you?"

 

 

Consider the case of the hen that observed the undisciplined behavior of her youngest chick with obvious disapproval. "If your father could see you now," she cackled disgustedly, "He'd turn over in his gravy."

 

 

Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past them. One eagle says to the other, "Wow, did you see how fast that thing was moving?"

The other replies, "Yeah. You'd move fast too if you had three assholes and they were all on fire!"

 

 

A man was out walking a dog, and a woman stopped to admire the animal. "What's your dog's name?" she asked.

"Herpes," replied the dog's owner.

"How....odd," said the woman. "Why Herpes?"

"Because he won't heel."

 

 

In the Bronx, N.Y., lived a rich cat who was a bit of a snob, though she did deign to chat on occasion with her neighbor, an alley cat. One day, she announced that she was about to have an operation, but she didn't mention what it was for.

 

Two weeks later, her humble friend saw her again and inquired politely how she was feeling, then dared to ask what kind of operation she had had.

 

"Oh, I am quite well now, thank you," the rich cat replied, stiffly. "I had a hysterectomy."

 

"For heaven's sake!" the alley cat exclaimed in exasperation, . . ."Why can't you call a spayed a spayed."

 

 

A baby seal waddles into a pub and the landlord asks, "What'll you have?" and the seal says, "Whisky."

 

And the landlord says, "What sort?"

 

And the seal says, "Anything but Canadian Club!"

 

 

A couple goes to a masquerade party dressed as a cow. He's in front, she's in back. The party gets a little boring, so they decide to stay in their costume and go for a little walk. As they're going across a pasture, they hear, "Snort! Snort!"

 

The wife says, "Bobby! There's a bull over there, and I think he's gonna charge! What are we gonna do?"

The husband says, "Well, I'm gonna eat some grass -- you'd better brace yourself."

 

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.

 

A passerby who'd seen everything remarked: "That's very tolerant of you after what he just did."

 

"Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the nuts."

 

 

There was once a woman who owned a dog that she named Titswiggle. One day when she came home from work she discovered that her beloved dog had run away. She was out all night asking if anyone had seen a loose dog. Nobody had seen him that night, but the next morning she met a little boy who said that he had seen a stray dog. The dog he described matched hers exactly.

Upon finding out this information she asked the young boy, "Have you seen my Titswiggle?"

 

The boy said, "No, but can that be my reward?"

 

 

It's the spring, and the baby bear comes out of his cave. His knees are wobbling, he's a wreck. He's skin and bones, with big circles under his eyes.

 

His mother says, "Junior! Did you hibernate all winter like you were supposed to?"

He says, "Hibernate? Shit! I thought you said masturbate!"

 

 

"Old Jethro's next door is a-makin' moonshine again," the wife told her husband.

"How can you tell?" he asked. "Did you smell it?"

 

"Nope. But a bunch of mice from his place came over here this morning and beat the tarnation outta our cats."

 

 

After hearing a shot, Hank ran next door and found his friend Tony crying. "Say, what's wrong?" Hank asked.

 

Tony sobbed, "I had to shoot my dog."

 

Hank said, "My God! Was he mad?"

 

Tony replied, "Well, he wasn't exactly overjoyed."