Joke 1:   Ray Micco left work early one Friday afternoon.   Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with Don and the boys.

When he finally returned home late Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his furious wife, Mary.   After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, Mary asked, "How would you like it if you didn't see ME for a few days?"

"That would suit me just fine!" Raymond shouted back.

So Monday went by and Ray didn't see Mary at all.   Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.   Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see Mary a little, just out of the corner of his left eye..........

This joke is for my friends in the NEWS media, who may think that I don't tell enough jokes from their perspective.   (Do you like this one, Jason?)

Joke 2:   This is an imaginary situation, but it should be fun to decide what you would do:

The situation: You are in Johnstown, Pennsylvania, where there has been a huge flood for several days.   Many homes have been lost, water supplies have been compromised, and structures have been destroyed.   You are a photographer getting still photos for the CNN news service and are traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes.   Moving farther south in the city, you come across Jim Wolfe, the IUP Computer Science chairperson, who has been swept away from his home by the floodwaters.   He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under.   Jim is famous (in his own mind) as the toughest instructor in his department.

You can either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb.   So, here's the question and think carefully before you answer the question below:

Which lens would you use ???

Joke 3:   Ray Micco staggered into an emergency room one afternoon with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat.   Naturally, the doctor asked him what happened.   "Well, it was like this," Ray said.   " I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, Mary, when she sliced her ball into a pasture full of cows.   We went to look for the ball and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something white on its rear end.   I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.   And that's when I made my fatal mistake."  

"What did you do?" asked the doctor.  

Ray replied, "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, Mary, this looks like yours!'"

Joke 4:   Question:   What's brown and black, and looks good on faculty?  
              Answer:   A doberman.

Joke 5:   Question:   What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road,and a dead faculty member in the road?  
              Answer:   The skunk has skid marks in front of it.

Joke 6:   Members of my old student staff have often commented and complained that they will never make as much money as IUP Computer Science faculty members.   The following is a rigorous mathematical proof that explains why this is true:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money

As every engineer and scientist knows,

               Work
              ------- = Power
               Time

Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have

               Work
              ------- = Knowledge
               Money

Solving for Money, we get:

              Work
            --------- = Money
            Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done.

Conclusion: The less you Know, the more Money you make.

[ Note: It has been speculated that the reason why Gary Buterbaugh has kept teaching at IUP was because he stumbled upon this proof as an undergraduate, and therefore dedicated the rest of his career to the pursuit of ignorance. ]

Joke 7:   IUP faculty members seem to spend a lot of time speaking of "TENURE", and vigorously pursuing tenure.   Since many of these faculty members behave as though they think they are Gods, I thought it would be interesting to discuss why Our Father has never been offered a tenured status at IUP......

WHY GOD NEVER RECEIVED TENURE AT ANY UNIVERSITY

1. He had only one major publication.

2. It was in Hebrew.

3. It had no references.

4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.

5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.

6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?

7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.

10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.

11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.

12. He did all of his work funded by his personal resources, instead of attracting large grants for the administration.

13. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.

14. Some say he had his son teach the class.

15. He expelled his first two students for learning.

16. Although there were only ten requirements, all students have failed his tests.

17. His office hours were infrequent, and usually held on a mountaintop.