Through the past years i've learnt alot
I discovered why it was i'd had to forget
"cause i haven't stopped having the flashbacks yet
So bad a thing it can't be said
I admit at times i wish i were dead
A shameful secret, supressed untold
Now it plays over and over i see it unfold
All those years it was buried away
Suddenly forced ugly into light of day
Do i tell or do i turn and run?
Strange questions to ask myself aged thirty-one
Both will cause pain to others and me
Oh how i wished, he'd just left me be
then i wouldn't be having these tears at night
And i wouldn't be scared to be held real tight
What was done defies label and meaning
But i keep on searching for a reason for being
I try to rebuild shattered self-esteem
And to convince myself it's not as bad as may seem
For now i just hope and pray
Bitter self-hate and blame will slowly fade away
That one day i may be able to say when asked
Yes it was abuse, but now it's the past
Someday i may feel deep down it wasn't my fault
And i needn't be loaded down with this guilt
One day i'll find how to set myself free
To become a peaceful happier version of me
