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ABUSERS ARE SICK Abusive men are not “sick.” They function very well in society at large. Many are “pillars” of the community. Abused women will often say, “if you met my husband, you would think he is a great guy.” Abuser have no greater mental health problems than the general population. Also, viewing abusive men as “sick” implies they do not have control over their behaviour, that they can’t help themselves. This is not true. Take, for example, the fact that the abuse will only occur in home, behind closed doors. ABUSIVE MEN ARE ABUSIVE IN ALL THEIR RELATIONSHIPS Most abusive
men are generally not violent in other aspects of their lives. They
are not “out of control.” They choose whom they will abuse, when,
and where. Typically, they are not abusive towards other people in
their lives.
AN ABUSIVE MAN ALSO ABUSES HIS CHILDREN Although some abusive men also abuse their children, many do not. However, even when children are not the direct target for abuse, they suffer another kind of abuse which comes from the impact of living in a home where they are exposed to the abuse of their mothers. ONLY POOR, UNEDUCATED WOMEN ARE ABUSED This is often assumed because more poor women come into direct contact with social agencies. However, shelter statistics verify that abused women come from all social and economic levels of society. They can be very well educated. Likewise, abusive men come from all walks of life. Many of them are professionals. SOMETIMES WOMEN DESERVE TO BE ABUSED: THEY ASK FOR IT No one deserves to be beaten or abused in any way. Violence is never an acceptable solution to problem solving. Abusive men, however, will always find an excuse for being abusive. They will always blame it on the woman and tell her it’s her fault. ABUSED WOMEN CAN ALWAYS LEAVE HOME Abused women do not have the freedom to leave after they have been abused. There are many reasons why abused women find it difficult to leave an abusive situation, not the least of which is fear of what he will do to her or her family if she leaves. Also, there is often no place for women to go. This is especially true in remote communities where services are not available. DRINKING CAUSE ABUSIVE BEHAVIOUR While it is
true that in some cases of abuse, alcohol is involved, when the drinking
stops the abuse usually continues. Many women say that the abuse
can actually get worse because their partners blame them for not being
able to drink. Alcohol is an excuse, not a reason for abuse.
WOMEN WITH DISABILITIES ARE SAFE FROM ABUSE Many people think that women with disabilities are safe from abuse because no person could ever be mean enough to abuse them. This is not true. In fact, women with disabilities are often more vulnerable to abuse because of their physical challenges. Again, shelters report hearing from women with all sorts of physical challenges. Most shelters are, in fact, set up so that they can accommodate women with various kinds of disabilities. ABUSIVE MEN WILL CEASE THEIR VIOLENCE “WHEN WE GET MARRIED” Many abusive men will tell their partners that, if they get married, the abuse will stop because they will feel more secure about the relationship. In fact, the jealousy and possessiveness that was evident before the marriage will often get worse. Furthermore, emotional abuse will also be accompanied by physical abuse. Many women are physically abused, for the first time, when they are pregnant. LONGSTANDING ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS CAN CHANGE FOR THE BETTER Most research,
as well as the experiences of women, have demonstrated that this is generally
not true. Relationships that have been maintained by the man having
power over the woman are extremely resistant to change. An abusive
man feels very insecure. He believes that the only way he can have
control over keeping his partner in the relationship is to abuse her.
Also, most abusive men will not accept that they are doing anything wrong.
Therefore, the behaviour will not be any different as long as he believes
that he doesn’t “need” to change. Most abusive men refuse to admit
that their behaviour is unacceptable.
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