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Lately, I've been listening to a short demo of a Japanese band called "sanbomaster". I can't get their song outta my head >_< it's just too friggin' catchy! I don't really have a title or direction with this entry yet... I guess I'll just write about things as they come to mind.
Yesterday was my first day of work at the photography studio, and tommorow I go in for 9-5. Everything about that place is just SO much better than Lowes. My Co-workers are some of the most hilarious and kind-hearted people I've ever met... I'm already invited to the studio Christmas party! There's much more freedom, and I have just as much control and say over what goes on as the manager does. Who would've thought that a job scheduling appointments, taking payments, planning portrait packages, and photographing whiny kids was the one for me. I'll try to bring my camera in and take pictures of the place, but since it's in the mall, I don't know if they'll allow me to bring my camera. (to a photography studio?! wtf?)
It was a strange feeling, but after I got home from work, I was feeling incredibly restless. Like, I should still be working. If they were an extremely rare, 24-hour photography studio, I would have gone right back in. ah well, such is life. I think I'm gonna bring in some leftover pie tommorow. They look like the sweet tooth crowd.
My mood lately has been one of the weirdest I've ever had. I'm really satisfied and happy with the way things are turning out, but at the same time I'm feeling this incredible bout of lonliness. I suppose most of it has to do with the fact that my car has popped itself a flat tire, and I am once again immobile. I think an even bigger part of it is that I realize I'm drifting apart from almost all of my friends, and I don't know why. I don't want to lose them, or move on, but I feel as though that's what's happening. Ashley and I had a falling out over the stupidest thing. I'm not really going to go into what it was, out of sheer respect for her privacy, but it was just stupid. I never wanted to admit this, but I miss her a lot. I've only seen Kenny twice in the last three weeks. Once when he came over for my birthday, and another time when we went to visit Yagi for his birthday. Kenny won't intiate discussion with me anymore, and I, for some unknown reason... am doing the same thing. I still feel that Kevin and I are good friends, but we're both just going through some tough times, and I think we'd rather do it ourselves than bother eachother. We don't really talk about our problems so much together, and when we do talk, we just joke around. This puts me to the next subject, my boyfriend.
I never thought that being in love with someone could be so hard. Torrey brings out the worst and the best in me. Most other people just bring out the best and some other mediocre stuff, but Torrey brings out EVERYTHING. In light of all these problems going on, sometimes I feel like the only thing I've got going for me are the moments when... we're talking, laughing together... and I'm wonderful. unfortunately, my online conversations with him have stagnated heavily to the point where it's depressing and nigh heartbreaking.
He would find his way into work and would ignore me for hours on end, when he specifically said it would only be a few minutes... oooh, I was pissed, and I was pissed that I was pissed. Getting angry over being ignored is so childish to me, and here I am seething when the love of my life won't give me the time of day. I've come up with the perfect remedy for it, too. Whenever someone you love is working on something, you work on something too. It really does direct your energy and help keep you cool. Whenever Torrey has something to do, so do I... and even if I didn't distract myself like that, our relationship has ascended to the point where I can be laid back about him working on stuff.
Lately though, conversation on the internet with not just him, but everyone has started to seem rather pointless. I don't really see the point of logging onto AIM and MSN anymore. It just doesn't hold the same thrill like it used to. Everyone (not just Torrey) has things that they're always working on, busy with, away, can't talk, won't talk, or just don't log on.
I should point out that I'm talking about 39 people on AIM, and 14 people on MSN. So how many people is that total? 44? yeah. Kevin will say hi every once in a while, and Torrey and I have a moderate amount of conversation, but not much. Geoff and I hardly talk anymore, although I imagine we're still on good terms (unless he's keeping something from me).
That's only 2, very weak conversations that I partake in per log-in session. It's really the only way I have to talk and interact with people, and no one wants to talk. No one will talk. I really feel very pointless to signing in on AIM and MSN these days. Who exactly am I trying to kid? It's not like anyone will socialize. I'm just tired of staring at a long list of names that does nothing but sit there. I remember a while ago that Kevin said he was planning on abstaining from AIM, and I really didn't understand why until now. Dude, you had every reason to want that.
Am I pissed? no, not really. People have lives to live, and I can't just MAKE people talk or expect them to. If anything, I'm just lonely, and sick of it. I should probably join up with some forums or something... get SOMEONE to talk to. I can only ride my bike so far, and I do everyday... I strike up conversations with random strangers at Barnes E noble, and it's fulfilling in so many ways. Striking up conversations with strangers seems like not such a bad idea. Let's give it a try.